Entry 26

I never doubted my love for Dax. I'm always sure that what we have isn't something that could just be easily taken away from us. He's the first and only person I fell in love with in this life and I can't see myself falling for someone else. But, I'll be honest, there are days when I feel like I'm not enough for him. That there will come a time when he'll realize that I am not the person he would like to spend this life with. And every time I feel worst by just thinking and imagining scenarios that rip my heart open, he would appear out of nowhere and comfort my insecure heart.

Kahit hindi ko sinasabi, parang alam niya. Kahit hindi ko pinapakita, nararamdaman niya. Kaya sa tuwing pakiramdam ko hindi ako sapat para sa kaniya, he'll do everything just to snap me from it. He would always do everything just to make sure that I know that he loves me and I shouldn't worry about it.

At hindi ako makapaniwala na mabilis na lumipas ang limang taon. Dahil parang noong isang gabi lang bago ako matulog ay ibang-iba pa ang buhay naming dalawa. We were both struggling college students with personal issues who found each other. He asked me to dance that night which I rejected and the next day I found him stalking me. I was annoyed by his presence. I didn't like him around me. Yet...

I smile while watching him fighting for his life to get through the rain. He's wearing his scrub while he has a jacket placed above his head to shield himself from the pouring rain. Hindi naman ganoon kalakas ang ulan, sa totoo pa nga ay sobrang init kanina kaso bigla na lamang bumuhos ang ulan. May plano kami ngayong araw na sasamahan ko siyang bumili ng sasakyan bago siya pumunta ng China for three months.

Five years ago, I was the only one who is financially stable between us. Minsan—kung hindi siya tatanggi—ay ako ang nagbabayad ng dorm rent niya at bumibili ng kaniyang groceries. Minsan din ay patago kong nilalagyan ng pera ang wallet niya at pagbalik niya sa dorm, tinatawagan niya ako at mag-aaway na naman kami dahil sa ginawa kong iyon, but in the end, he'll just say that he misses me already. We were struggling and it wasn't an easy road for both of us.

We love each other but I can't say that our relationship is perfect. We argue almost every day, and usually, it's my fault. Madalas ay pinapalaki ko ang maliit na bagay sa pamamagitan nang hindi ko pagpansin sa kaniya. I know I'm the one who has the problem here but I just still can't figure out how to solve our conflict without detaching myself for a while from him. I always have this feeling of wanting to be alone for a while every time we have a fight. And he's the one who always puts up with me. He always tries to understand and respect me even though it's crystal clear that he finds it hard to be away from me, much so, to not have a word from me.

I'd like to think that I'm more dependent to him than he is with me, but I'm not sure with that. Dahil kaya kong hindi siya pansinin ng buong isang linggo samantala sa nagdaang pitong taon, never niya pa ako natiis ng kahit isang buong araw na hindi pansinin. Kung naiinis siya sa'kin, lagi ay nagagawa niyang kausapin ako sa gabi o kinabukasan. Ayaw niyang pinapatagal ang away namin ng isang araw. And I'm exactly the opposite.

I know I'm being unfair yet I don't know how to change it.

"Sigurado kang ayaw mo munang matulog?" Salubong kong tanong sa kaniya pagkapasok niya sa sasakyan ko.

Nilagay niya sa backseat ang kaniyang jacket at ilang gamit bago ako hinarap at hinalikan sa labi. Inayos niya ang kaniyang seatbelt at sinimulang punasan ang basa niyang mga braso.

Dalawang gabi na siyang walang tulog dahil nasa ospital siya ng halos dalawang araw na. When he graduated from Med School and passed the Physician Licensure Examination by making it to the top five, the Germar's immediately offered him residency. And when he started to earn, he finally agreed to me that we should start living together; we moved to a bigger unit just months ago.

That has always been my dream since we stepped out of college. Ilang beses ko siya noong pinilit na 'wag nang mag-dorm at maghati na lang kami ng rent sa apartment ko pero hindi siya pumayag. He promised to himself that we're only going to start living together in one apartment if he's already a doctor—kapag kaya niya nang maghati kami sa lahat ng gastusin. And yeah, it happened. All those dreams I only used to imagine is now real.

I can't say I'm not happy because I am. However... I didn't exactly expect that it would be like this.

We were happy when he graduated, we even celebrated with my parents and nanay together with his family. I was happy when my parents told me that I'm very lucky to have Dax as my partner. They saw how hardworking and passionate Dax is about his studies and now with his job. And I can't say that it isn't true because it is. Naging malapit na rin ako sa bunso niyang kapatid na wala 'atang linggong lumilipas na hindi ako tinatawagan ni Denisse. Our families are getting along now. Me and Dax, happy.

And I don't understand why I'm feeling this way. Dahil simula nang magtrabaho siya as a resident doctor sa mga Germar's—hindi na lang basta part-timer—nagsimula na rin akong hindi mapakali gabi-gabi. I always have this urge to message and call him every damn hour despite that I'm very well aware of his schedule. As a doctor, he can't always pick up his phone to answer my calls. As a doctor, he can't always be home and spend the rest of the night with me. As a doctor, he can't always find a perfect time for us to date.

I know I'm so selfish for only thinking about myself. He has his responsibilities now that don't include me. Gano'n din naman ako pero...

I averted my gaze from him and started the car.

I used to believe that our relationship is some sort of fairytale. Now it hits me that it wasn't. This relationship is real and not a fantasy.

But sometimes, I wish that we could spend a whole comfortable night without thinking that he has to be awake one hour after he just slept. Sometimes, I wish that we could spend a day without him being bombarded with calls from work just because he's on a day off and he's suddenly needed at the hospital.

I just miss being us. The old us who used to be free and comfortable. And we always find time for each other.

Dahil ngayon? Hindi na gano'n.

Kung hindi pa nga siya bibili ngayon ng sasakyan ay sa tingin ko buong linggo kaming hindi magkikita. Nasa iisang bubong na lang kami nakatira ngayon pero lagi rin naman siyang wala sa condo. Most of the nights, I wish I can eat dinner with him. Dahil isang beses sa dalawang linggo na lang 'ata namin nagagawang magkaroon ng dinner date.

"I can sleep later." Sagot niya at halata sa kaniyang boses ang pagod.

Sinulyapan ko siya at naabutan siyang namumungay ang mga mata na para bang gustong pumikit pero pinipigilan niya. And whenever I see him this way, mas lalo lamang akong nagi-guilty sa mga naiisip at nararamdaman ko.

"You can sleep now. Gigisingin na lang kita kapag nandoon na tayo."

Ilang taon na naming pinag-uusapan ang tungkol sa sasakyan. Nang magsimula siya sa Med School ay ilang beses na naming pinag-usapan kung anong brand ng sasakyan ang una niyang bibilhin. He has a dream car but it's too expensive for him right now kaya naman sa kaya muna ng budget ang bibilhin namin. And I have no plans yet of changing my car kahit limang taon na rin ito sa'kin. Ilang beses pinagpilitan ni Daddy na kailangan ko nang bumili ng bago pero hindi ko na lamang pinapansin.

"Ayokong matulog kapag kasama kita."

Napangiti ako sa narinig mula sa kaniya. We already had a conversation about his busy schedules and how it affects our relationship, he's very open about it. Lagi niyang sinisingit sa usapan namin kung may problema ba ako sa schedules niya o kung nagtatampo ba ako o kahit ano na lang basta malaman niya kung anong nasa isip ko. At sa loob ng pitong taon naming relasyon, alam kong kilala na niya ako. I trust him. I really do. It's just that, sometimes, I rather not talk about my insecurities with him. Usually, I end up telling him the lies—that I'm okay with him being not home for three days straight, for not eating dinner with me, for not finding time to spend the day with me to watch movies or go to the park.

And I know Dax never believed in any of those. He knows me too well to not notice that I'm lying. Pero katulad ko, siguro hindi niya rin alam kung paano sosolusyonan ang problemang ito.

Which I hope won't turn into something bigger because... I don't think I can afford to lose him.

"Okay, then," I spoke brightly and enthusiastically. "Let's talk about your night. How was your night?"

He gave me an exhausted smirk and shook his head. "I don't want to talk about my night. I want to hear yours."

I made a face. "Ganito na lang. I'll start with mine and you're next. Ang unfair naman kung ikaw lang updated sa buhay ko."

Tumawa siya sa sagot ko at hinagip ang aking kamay. Hanggang ngayon ay naroon pa rin ang tiara ring na sinuot niya sa'kin noong graduation ball. It's already looks old but it's still pretty.

"Dalawang oras kong kausap si Denisse kagabi." Simula ko at alam kong nakuha ko ang interes niya.

Noon pa man din niya gusto na magkasundo kaming dalawa ng kapatid niya. At nang maging malapit na nga kaming dalawa, ilang beses tumawag sa'kin si Denisse at nagsusumbong kung paano siya pinagalitan ni Dax dahil akala niya ay iniistorbo ako ng kaniyang kapatid. Which in fact, never happened.

Madalas kaming mag-usap dalawa ni Denisse dahil volunteer siya sa program na sinimulan ni Mommy sa bayan namin. My mother started a foundation for homeless kids until she decided to build an actual home for them. It started three years ago at ngayong taon ay nagpapagawa si Mommy ng renovations dahil dumadami ang mga batang nare-rescue nila. Ang dating two-floored house ay magiging three floors na ngayon.

My mother didn't run for Mayoral position as she planned to before. When she learned about the kids I kept from them when I was younger, mom realized that she can do something about it. Kaya naman ngayon, ang dating mga bata na tinuturuan ko lang sa kalsada at inaabutan ng pagkain tuwing nakikita ko sila, nakakapag-aral na sila at nakakakain ng tatlong beses sa isang araw. Mayroon na rin silang komportableng bahay na mauuwian.

Things didn't turn out that bad at all. Everything I did in the past is worth it. It's just that reality is not always about rainbows.

"It's your turn now," I told him when I finally finished telling him everything about my night, except for the part where I spent the rest of the night thinking how selfish and petty girlfriend I am.

"Well," he took a deep breath that made me look at him.

Nagkakasalubong ang dalawa niyang kilay at pagod ang mga mata. Nakapatong ang ulo niya sa headrest at kahit sinasabi niyang ayaw niyang matulog kapag kasama ako, alam kong naaakit siyang pumikit na. At hanga ako sa kung paano niya natitiis na huwag matulog.

And, again, I feel guilty dahil alam kong ito rin ang gusto ko. Alam kong sa oras na pumikit siya at matulog habang kasama ako ay magiging dahilan ko iyon para mainis sa kaniya at mag-aaway na naman kaming dalawa. Kahit mayroong parte sa'kin na gusto siyang makita na nagpapahinga dahil pagod siya, hindi ako sigurado kung maganda ba ang magiging reaksiyon ko. Most of the times, I let my emotions control my actions.

"Why?" Nagtataka kong tanong.

He pinched the bridge of his nose once and looked at me. "A patient died last night."

Umawang ang labi ko sa gulat pero agad ko iyong tinikom. Hindi ito ang unang pagkakataon na mayroon siyang binalita sa'kin na ganito. Pero alam kong nahihirapan pa rin siya sa tuwing may mga ganitong pangyayari sa loob ng ospital dahil bago pa lang siya.

"Let's not talk more of it, babe."

Tumango ako. "Yeah."

"So, sure ka na bang SUV ang bibilhin mo?" Bago ko sa topic.

"Well, that's more spacious than sedan."

Ngumuso ako. Totoo naman.

"It's better to have sex there."

Halos mawala ako sa focus sa pagdadrive nang sabihin niya iyon at nang tumawa siya ay alam kong alam niya na nahuli niya ako. I wasn't thinking about that, alright? Pero kilalang kilala ko na si Dax. He's certainly thinking now na kaya ko siya tinanong kung SUV ba o sedan ay dahil akala niya iniisip ko ang iniisip niya.

"Ewan ko sa'yo."

"What? Totoo naman, ah! Huwag mo sabihing hindi. Your car is the witness. We barely fit each other on the backseat." Rason niya.

Inirapan ko siya. Whatever.

"You rolling your eyes at me again only means that I'm right."

I shot him a glare only to found him grinning like a boy in his seat. Unti-unting lumambot ang tingin ko sa kaniya dahil simula nang pumasok siya sa sasakyang ito, ngayon ko lang nakita na hindi siya pagod. He's smiling like he finally realized that he's no longer tired.

"You know what? We should do it again." He crossed his arms on his chest and nodded to himself.

"The what?" Tanong ko at ibinalik ang atensiyon sa kalsada.

"The sex. We should have sex here again." He even pointed at his seat.

My cheeks heated and I know I probably look like an overripe tomato now. For seven years, there's one thing that never changed about him and that is his unfiltered mouth.

"Binyagan natin mamaya ang sasakyan ko." Suhestiyon niya na lalong nagpainit sa mukha ko.

I'm not blushing out of embarrassment. His chosen topic is turning me on. No one can blame me, we haven't slept together for two whole straight days. I miss him.

"Hey," he touched my shoulders and I quickly looked at him.

"You okay?" Tanong niya at alam kong nang-aasar siya.

He knows when I'm turned on. Damn him.

Tinawanan niya ako at hinalikan sa pisngi bago bumalik sa kaniyang upuan.

"It's not funny." Iritado kong untag.

"I have the whole night. My next shift is at eight in the morning. You can have me the whole night—"

"Shut up, Donato."

"Oh, she's mad. She called me by my real name."

Tinaliman ko lamang siya ng tingin dahil sa mga pang-aasar niya. But I can't also deny that I love seeing him having fun because of me.

"What about I call you 'Trishastrea,' kahit hindi ako galit? Iisipin mo pa rin bang galit ako? Or maybe not. Ikaw lang naman tumatawag ng totoong pangalan kapag galit."

I gritted my teeth and slapped his arm with my left hand. Binulabog ng malakas niyang tawa ang tahimik kong sasakyan at kahit gusto kong mainis ay hindi ko magawa dahil masaya akong makita na masaya siya.

Sa loob ng halos kalahating oras na byahe at paghahanap ng store brand na gustong bilhan ni Dax ng sasakyan ay wala siyang ibang ginawa kundi asarin ako. Nagseryoso lamang siya nang pumasok kami sa loob at nagsimula kaming tumingin-tingin.

Ngayon lang namin makikita ng actual ang mga sasakyan na pinagpipilian naming dalawa dahil sa internet lang namin tinignan ang mga iyon. He liked the black one but I told him to get the white. Susundin niya sana ang gusto ko nang matanto ko na hindi naman ako ang magbabayad kaya sinabi ko sa kaniya na iyong itim na lang ang piliin niya. We started arguing that lasted for about five minutes before he decided on buying the maroon SUV instead.

We took a photo together with the car and he posted it on his account. And I can't help but get teary-eyed while watching him surveying the car he just bought. I'm so proud of him.

Sa nagdaang mga taon ay lagi lamang siyang nagko-commute o 'di kaya ay naglalakad kapag nagtitipid siya. At kahit hindi niya sinasabi madalas, alam kong nahihirapan siya ng mga panahong iyon. And what makes me admire him more is the fact that I never heard him complain about his life. He never complained how tough is life for him. Instead, he always give the world his brightest smile. I don't think the world deserves someone like him.

"Ilang taon mong tinipid ang sarili mo. It's time to spoil yourself with things you want." I said.

He encircled his arms around my waist and his lips found my forehead. My butterflies went wild with the comfort this embrace and forehead kiss is giving me.

"Then I'm going to spoil myself with Tri thing."

I returned his hug and jokingly bit his chest through his scrub.

"This is my first time to hear the Tri thing. Is that a new brand?" Sakay ko sa kalokohan niya.

"Uh-hmm," he mumbled against the skin of my forehead. "It's an expensive brand."

Tiningala ko siya at inawang ang aking labi at nilakihan ang aking mga mata upang umakto na nagulat ako.

"I can't afford it?" I pouted.

He squints his eyes at me to pretend as though he's trying to think. His rough fingers caressed my cheeks.

"You can't, but I can." Aniya at hinalikan ako sa ilong.

"Wala ka ng pera, remember?" Balik ko.

He cupped my cheeks with his big hands and shook his head. Hinampas ko ang kaniyang mukha dahil sa ginawa niya sa'kin.

"Love is wealth." Natatawa niyang sagot.

"Wealth is money." Natatawa ko ring saad at para kaming tanga dahil sa usapang ito hanggang sa bumalik ang salesperson at sabay kaming tumahimik.

At katulad ng sinabi niya kanina tungkol sa pagbibinyag namin sa kaniyang sasakyan, it happened. It was quick dahil nasa public place kami and we continue it on the condo when we arrived. And we spent the whole night together, watching movies and doing more. It was one of those best moments I wish would never end. Those moments I wish I have the power to freeze time and be in that moment for a little longer.

I want to spend more time with him, but that is unrealistic.

When his flight day to China came, I think that was the worst day of my life, but of course, I didn't tell him that.

"I'm very happy for you, Dax. Please make the best moments and experiences there. Learn more, my brave boy!" Instead I said those words at ngayon ko lang narealize na para akong nagba-bye sa isang bata.

He'll be attending a three months conference in China—supposedly ay six months dapat iyon pero hindi siya pumayag dahil ayaw niyang iwan ako nang gano'n katagal. Oportunidad iyon, alam ko, pero ilang beses ko nang sinisi ang sarili ko tungkol sa bagay na iyon at napapagod na ako. Ang importante ay makaka-attend siya, it's still counted as an experience and opportunity. Duh, not everyone can be invited to such.

We keep our communication intact for the first week that he was gone. Minsan pa nga kahit nasa kalagitnaan siya ng conference ay tinatawagan niya ako. I was contented and okay with that.

Not until the second week came.

My colleagues invited me to join them to go clubbing since it's Saturday naman. At dahil wala naman akong ibang gagawin ay tinanggap ko ang imbita nila at sumama sa kanila. I called Dax and informed him about my plan for tonight and he's totally fine with it. Ni hindi niya tinanong kung may lalaki ba akong kasama o kung iinom ako ng marami. All he said is for me to take care.

Lumabas ako ng sasakyan ko at sumunod sa mga kasama ko papasok ng isang private club dito sa BGC.

"Susunod daw si Allison." I told them nang mabasa ko ang message ni Allison sa phone ko.

Nakita kong online si Dax at kanina ko pa tinigil ang pagrereply sa kaniya. Hanggang ngayon kasi ay iniisip ko pa rin ang naging reaksiyon niya. Not that I wanted him to get angry to me for going out late this night without him pero...

Tinignan ko ulit ang cellphone ko at nang makitang nagtatype na siya ay pinatay ko na ulit agad.

Okay. I'll be honest. I expected him to doubt me as I doubt him. I want him to get jealous like how I am jealous whenever he's with his colleagues.

Kani-kanina lang ay may nakita akong post ng kasama niya sa conference sa China. Dax is in the picture and he's sitting next to the doctor I'm jealous of since he was hired in the Germar's. I met her once when I visited Dax during his shift and I instantly got insecure when I heard how she talked and how sophisticatedly she delivered herself. Nagkakaintindihan sila ni Dax samantalang hindi ko makuha ang isang medical term na sinabi sa'kin noon ni Dax. I know I'm smart, and everyone assumes I'm a genius, but when I met that woman, I feel like I'm the dumbest person to ever walk on this planet.

And what's worst is that I can't tell Dax about that. I can't say to him that I'm jealous and insecure, thus, he has to quit being a doctor because I'm an immature girlfriend. I hate it. I hate myself for thinking and behaving this way.

Lagi kong sinasabi na may tiwala ako kay Dax at sapat na ang pagmamahal namin para sa isa't-isa para hindi magduda, pero hindi ko alam kung paano babaguhin ang sarili ko dahil ako lang naman ang may problema. He trust me. He believes in me. Pero ako? Ni hindi ko man lang siya magawang pagkatiwalaan. Lagi pa rin akong nagpupuyat kakaisip na baka isang araw paggising ko ay marinig ko na lang sa labi niya na gusto niya na akong ipagpalit sa ibang babae.

Ayokong mangyari 'yon.

"Hey! Sorry, na-late ako." Allison sat next to me and she looked at me.

"Ayos ka lang?" Natatawa siya nang tanungin iyon dahil nakikipagbiruan siya sa isa sa mga kasama namin ngayon pero mabilis siyang nagseryoso nang makita ng buo ang ekspresyon ko.

"Oh my god. Nag-away na naman kayo?"

Hindi ko siya sinagot dahil alam kong alam niya naman ang sagot doon. Without question and permission, she retrieved my phone from my bag and turned it on. Binuksan niya ang messages ko at nabasa niya roon ang mga mensahe ni Dax na sinimulan kong hindi reply'an two hours ago.

It's petty, getting jealous over someone I'm not even sure has the intention to flirt with my man because all I did is to assume, I know. But I can't help getting annoyed and angry at how the women in his field surround him. I don't want to become a jealous girlfriend, iyon lagi ang sinasabi ko at pilit kong pinapaalala sa sarili ko pero huli na 'ata ang lahat dahil malinaw pa sa tubig na selosa ako. And I don't understand why I am like this.

Three months na wala siya dito at hindi kami magkikita pero ilang araw pa lang ay gumagawa na agad ako ng dahilan para mag-away kami.

I hate myself. How many times do I have to recite that in my head?

"It's just a picture, Tri. Hindi naman sila naglalaplapan."

And Allison's comments aren't even helping me. It only makes my imagination worse. I don't want to think the worst of Dax because I know him and he's not that kind of person. He is true to his words and he never failed to assure me that I'm the only woman he loves. He's faithful. He's real.

Yet, I'm here, and I'm ignoring his messages just because I'm jealous!

"I don't understand myself, Allison." Tanging lumabas sa bibig ko.

She pushes her bottom lip to pout. "Oh, come here, bebe." Aniya sa tono na para bang anak niya ako.

I ignored her tone and I let her pull me in for a hug. And I can't control my own emotions right now because I cried on her shoulders.