Entry 24

I was discharged that day, too. Dax went with me at doon ko lang nalaman na hindi pala alam nila tita na nakalaya na siya. Gusto ni Daddy na ihatid niya ako sa'king apartment pero sinabi kong si Dax na lang ang sasama sa'kin. And my mother hasn't talked to me yet after that short conversation we had. My father already apologized and I know that he was sincere about it. He's not expressive and his words are really not emotional because he's a businessman who talks and express himself logically, but, that time, I saw that he was genuinely regretful of everything that had happened in our family. Hindi lang ako nakakasigurado kung nakausap niya ba si Mommy dahil hanggang ngayon ay wala akong natatanggap na tawag o text man lang mula sa kaniya.

When I thought that my father is more complicated than my mother, I was wrong. Dad is cold and domineering, my mom, on the other hand, knows how to act sweet and kind. Sa kanilang dalawa, inisip ko noon na si Mommy ang unang makakaintindi sa'kin pero hindi pala.

Lumakad ako palapit sa pintuan at pinunas ang basa kong kamay sa likod ng aking pantalon. Pinihit ko ang doorknob at sumalubong sa'kin ang nakabungisngis na mukha ni Dax.

"Kaaalis lang ni nanay." Panimula ko dahil alam niyang bibisitahin ako ngayon ni nanay.

Gusto niya sanang makipag-bonding kay nanay kaso kinailangan niyang asikasuhin ang requirements niya for scholarships. Masyado na ring nalalapit ang exams niya at kahit hindi niya sinasabi ay halata sa mukha niyang kinakabahan siya.

"Ayos lang. Alam kong natutuwa pa rin 'yon na ako ang boyfriend mo."

Hindi ko pinansin ang sagot niya at tumabi sa daan upang makapasok siya.

"Nah," he shook his head. "Susunduin kita kaya nandito ako."

Kumunot ang aking noo. Wala akong maalala na may plano kami ngayong araw na umalis. Tatlong araw na ang nakakaraan noong mangyari ang bagay na ayaw kong maalala pa. I was surprised when his parents told me that they understand my parents. Nagalit sila sa ginawa ng mga magulang ko sa kanilang anak ngunit narinig ko mula sa bibig nila na ayaw nilang magtanim ng ano mang sama ng loob sa kanino man. Kasama na roon ang mga magulang ko.

And that's what made me and Dax decide to just move on. What happened will never be forgotten and I can't say that I had forgiven my parents for what they did, but we're moving. We have to continue living despite everything we've been through. Dahil kung patuloy naming babalikan ang natapos na, hindi namin makikita kung anong maaaring ibigay ng mundo sa hinaharap.

I love my parents and I accepted my father's apologies, but I'm still not sure how to forgive them. I've seen how my father tried his best to make up for the bad things he had done to me by apologizing to Dax's parents as well. Pero pakiramdam ko ay hindi sapat iyon. Maybe, in time, I can say that they are forgiven.

"Wala ka namang sinabi na aalis tayo."

Hilaw siyang ngumisi at nagkamot ng batok. "Makikipagkita ako kay Archie ngayon. Gusto kitang isama."

Mas lalong lumalim ang gitla sa'king noo.

"Bakit mo 'ko isasama?"

He looked at me like he was offended by my question.

"Girlfriend kita. Gusto kitang isama—"

"You don't have to bring me with you, Dax. Surely Archie only wants to talk with you."

"Kahit na!"

Halos manlaki ang mga mata ko dahil sa parang bata niyang pagsigaw. Unti-unti ay bigla siyang ngumisi nang malapad ulit. I gritted my teeth to suppress a smile. Honestly, I would risk everything just to see him smiling every day. Noon, lagi akong naiinis kapag nakabungisngis siya at lagi akong ginagambala sa tuwing nananahimik ako at minsan pa ay sinusundan. Pero ngayon, gustong-gusto ko nang ginagawa niya ang mga iyon para sa'kin.

We're two different people; hindi lang sa estado kundi sa maraming bagay. He likes noises, I don't. He's loud, I'm not. He's optimistic, I wasn't. He's sure of everything he's doing, I don't. Marami pang bagay kaming pinagkaiba pero hindi ko nakikitang hadlang iyon sa aming relasyon. He's seen me at my worst and accepted me still. When I changed, he loved me more. He's still the same guy I met that prom night, but it feels like I've already known him for years. It feels like he'd changed a lot of times and I was there even though the truth is I wasn't. And I want to grow more with him.

"Please?" He pleaded and I almost laughed with how he tried to make puppy eyes.

Hindi bagay sa isang malaking taong katulad niya ang magpa-cute. Inirapan ko siya at alam kong alam niyang pumapayag na ako sa gusto niya. Dahil nakabihis na naman ako dahil pinasyal ko kanina si nanay, kinuha ko na lamang ang bag ko at lumabas na.

"Saan ba kayo magkikita?" Tanong ko habang bumababa kami ng hagdanan.

His fingers found mine and intertwined them. He shook his head once when he tried to sway his hair on the right side, mahaba na kasi ang buhok niya at wala pa siyang balak magpagupit.

"Near the campus. We'll just walk. That's okay with you?" Bumaba ang tingin niya sa'kin at sinuri ang aking mukha.

Tumango ako. He knows I like to walk with him. Hindi naman mainit ang panahon ngayon, medyo madagim ang langit at malamig ang simoy ng hangin kaya komportableng maglakad ngayon.

"So, have you decided?"

I played with my tongue on my mouth as my mind dwell on his question. He knows that my father isn't longer forcing me to work on our company and I'm also no longer obligated to take MBA like the plan. Masaya ako na pinapakinggan na ako ngayon ni Daddy at hindi naman humahadlang si Mommy. Pero nitong mga nakaraang araw, napapaisip ako kung tama bang desisyon na iwan na lamang basta ang responsibilidad ko sa'king pamilya.

I applied for a job in Laguna and they replied to me. My interview is scheduled next week, but I'm still not sure if I will go. Parehas nang tumatanda ang mga magulang ko at kahit sinabi na ni Daddy na hindi nila ako pipilitin, ako naman ngayon ang nagi-guilty kung sakaling dumating ang panahon na mapunta lang sa wala ang lahat ng pinaghirapan nila dahil pinili ko ang sariling kagustuhan.

"I..." I paused and stare at the view before us.

"You know, you can always teach if that's what you really want."

What a beautiful dream. Lagi kong iniimagine na magtuturo ako sa isang paaralan at araw-araw kong nakikita ang mga nakangiti kong estudyante. Pangarap ko noon pa man na makapagturo at maging isang guro ngunit mukhang hindi iyon posible sa ngayon. I have a different degree, at kung gusto ko mang maging professional teacher ay kailangan kong magtake pa ulit ng ilang subjects para maging qualified ako for LEPT.

"Dad is no longer forcing me to take the position in the company, but," I looked at him and found him already watching me.

"I don't think my conscience will make me sleep peacefully at night. Bukod sa'kin ay wala nang ibang tagapagmana sina Daddy. And I'm sure my parents will never like the idea of someone not related to us entailing his estates in the future. He's not also particularly close to my cousins. Although they are our family, my parents don't trust them nevertheless."

I averted my gaze and even though my heart is torn between what I really wanted and what my responsibilities are, I have to choose the latter.

"Whatever your decision will be, keep in mind that I'm here with you. I'll support you."

I smiled at his remarks. I already know that because he never failed to make me feel he's supporting me, however, to hear him saying it is a different kind of joy. It makes my heart leaped and my mind calm all the same time. Ang kaisipan na may isang taong mananatili sa tabi ko kahit ano pang maging desisyon ko sa buhay na ito ay isang regalo na ayaw kong mawala.

Nakarating kami sa malapit na coffee shop kung saan doon naghihintay ang kaibigan ni Dax na si Archie. I expected for him to be surprised that Dax brought me but he wasn't. He greeted me before we settled in a four-seater table. Nag-usap silang dalawa tungkol sa nalalapit na exam ni Dax at kanina pa ako nangangating itanong kung nasaan si Gillian pero hindi ko na kinailangang ibukas pa ang bibig ko nang isali ni Archie sa usapan ang kaniyang nobya.

I heard him talk about how he doesn't want to go. Noong una ay hindi ko maintindihan ang sinasabi ni Archie pero nang banggitin niya ang scholarship sa China ay naintindihan ko na. I told Dax that I will be waiting for them outside to give them privacy dahil pakiramdam ko ay kailangan ni Archie ng kaibigan at ayaw kong umepal. However, Archie insisted that I should stay and he doesn't mind me listening to their conversation. Kaya naman nanahimik na lang ako habang pinapakinggan ang usapan nila.

"You broke up with her?" Gulat na tanong ni Dax.

I watched how Archie's gray eyes turned darker and how his long eyelashes seem to want to fall from their lids. I found out that the two broke up because he needs to study abroad. He declined at first but Gillian wants him to grab the opportunity.

How hard it must be to be torn between leaving to reach your dreams and staying because your life is here. It's ironic how we view dreams and life as the same thing but at the same time, they are also two different things.

Paano kung kami ang nasa posisyon nilang dalawa? Will I have the courage to let go of Dax?

Gillian is so brave to let go of someone she loves.

I don't think I can.

"Can't you two do LDR?" Tanong ni Dax.

Now that he mentioned it, oo nga. Bakit hindi na lang sila mag-LDR? Moderno na ang panahon ngayon, may cellphone at internet na. Communication must not be a problem anymore with long distance relationship.

"Gillian didn't approve of it."

My brows pinched together. Why?

"Maybe she thinks that she'll only disturb me or maybe she thinks that studying is my main priority. She doesn't have any idea how I wanted to put her first. But I respect her decision. I love her. I just..." umiling si Archie, halata ang sakit sa kaniyang boses at ekspresyon.

"I think I'm going to lose my mind."

My chest tightened and my heart breaks for both of them. Hindi ko man alam kung anong kalagayan ngayon ni Gillian, nakakasigurado akong nasasaktan din siya katulad ni Archie. It must be hard for both of them. I'm not entirely close to them but I saw how they looked at each other. I saw how their eyes twinkled with love with just the mention of their names.

Love is, I think, all the same. Different stories, but love is always the same. It makes us happy. And to think that they both lost each other, how could they ever be happy again?

"Teka! 'Wag kang ganiyan! Pa'no ka magiging doctor kung may sira ka sa ulo?" Dax reacted exaggeratedly.

Halos ngumiwi ako sa reaksiyon niya. Minsan napapaisip ako kung natutuwa pa ba si Archie na ganito ang kaibigan niya.

Nang hindi umimik si Archie ay nakita kong nagseryoso na rin si Dax. Mabuti naman.

"Natatakot kang makahanap siya ng iba?" Maingat niyang tanong.

Umiling si Archie, nakayuko pa rin at ang mga mata ay nasa lamesa.

"She can fall in love again if that's what she wants. But I believe in her. She's not like any other girl. She's true to her words. When she said she'll wait, I know she will."

"E'di wala pa lang problema! Ilang taon ka lang naman sa China. Five years? Mabilis lang 'yon!" Chill na sagot ng katabi ko.

Archie only frowned at him. "You're not helping."

"What?! Those are words of affirmation!" He sounds offended. "We need to stay positive. Think positive." He even pointed his forefinger to his temple.

He actually makes total sense but he sounds unmindful about his chosen words. Or maybe it's just really him.

Patago kong kinurot ang tagiliran ni Dax at mahina siyang dumaing. Binalingan niya ako nang may pagbabanta sa mga mata pero agad siyang nag-iwas ng tingin nang makitang masama na ang tingin na pinupukol ko sa kaniya.

"But seriously," he finally decided to be serious. "You have nothing to worry about if you trust her and she trusts you. We all know that the unforeseeable future is uncertain, but like what you said, you believe in her. You don't have to lose your mind over it, brother. Especially if you are not in any question of coming back for her. We all just have to wait. Right? That's what we do. We always wait for something worthy no matter how long it will take. And Gillian certainly deserves your time. You're not going to waste it waiting, rather, you're waiting because she deserves that time. For what? I don't know. But you have to be positive that she will keep her words like how you will keep your promise to her."

I don't think I can ever bear the idea of Dax leaving me for his dreams. I sound selfish but I don't think I can ever afford to be away from him. I admire how both Gillian and Archie are brave enough to grow separately.

"Mabuti na lang hindi ako pinanganak na mayaman. Walang nag-o-offer sa'king scholarship sa ibang bansa." He joked as we're heading back home.

Today, I saw what kind of friend Dax is to Archie. At kung anong klaseng kaibigan si Archie kay Dax. They are so close and I envy how they are comfortable sharing their stories with each other. Dax is my boyfriend and I do consider him my best friend as well, but sometimes, I wish I have another friend. A girl preferably, someone who can relate to me. Someone I can talk to when I have problems with Dax. Someone who I can call... a sister.

"You're a genius. You'll have bigger opportunities someday."

"Nah." He shook his head. "'Wag na lang din kung kapalit naman noon ay iiwan kita dito."

I smiled hearing that from him. Perhaps, I have nothing to fear at all. It looks like he's more scared of letting me go than I am of him. And that gives me peace of mind.

"I could help you study for your exam." I suggested, kahit alam ko namang hindi niya iyon kailangan. I just want to spend more time with him on this day.

"'Yan ang gusto ko." Aniya at kinulong niya ang aking leeg sa kaniyang malalaking braso.

I hid my face in his arms and inhaled his manly scent.

Mabilis na lumipas ang mga araw na para bang ang bawat minuto ay dinadala palayo ng hangin. Dax finally took his exam and we're all praying hard that he will pass.

Pagkatapos niyang mag-take ng exam ay nagdesisyon siyang maghanap ng trabaho pansamantala bago lumabas ang results ng passers at next year pa naman ang start niya sa Med School— if ever he will pass, which I'm certain he will. His parents assured him that they could pay his tuition fee but Dax wants to help. Ang rason niya ay siya naman daw ang mag-aaral at gusto niyang tulungan ang sarili at mga magulang niya. Malapit na rin magkolehiyo si Denisse kaya naman magiging mahirap para sa kanilang mga magulang ang magpaaral ng dalawang anak.

"Ito na ba ang lahat ng gamit mo?" Tanong ko nang matapos niyang ilagay ang lahat ng gamit niya sa likod ng pickup.

Ngayong araw siya lilipat ng dorm sa Manila. Months moves quickly like whirlwind. Nang ibalita niya sa'kin na nakapasa siya sa exam ay halos magpapiyesta ako—pero syempre, hindi ko iyon ginawa. Kung noon ay madali para sa'king gumasta ng pera, iba na ngayon. Kailangan kong magtipid dahil kahit may trabaho ako, wala na akong ibang aasahan pa.

My mother talked to me after months of acting as though nothing happened. We reconciled and she told me the same thing my father said to me. That's all I want from them—for them to listen to me and apologize. I grew up having everything and nothing at the same time. I'm happy that the life I had is no longer threatening to come back. I rather have them, my parents, alone than have every million-dollar thing in this world.

They also apologized to Dax and his family. Nakakasigurado akong hindi sila nagpapakitang tao lamang at nakita ko sa mga mata ni Mommy na nagsisisi siya. Drama is not her thing but I saw tears rolling down her cheeks when she talked to me. Faking my death is not a bad thing at all, I guess.

Another thing, my parents recommended Dax to the Germar's the reason why his problem about looking for a job is finally resolved. Nag-aalala kasi siya na mahihirapan siyang makahanap ng trabaho na hindi maaapektuhan ang schedule niya, and luckily, the Germar's hospital gave him work hours perfect to his schedule.

"I already told you that you can just live with me, hati tayo sa rent—" I shut up my mouth when he looked at me.

Nagkibit balikat ako at inayos ang seatbelt sa'king katawan. The truth is, I end up deciding to take Masteral and work in our company. Because no matter how I don't want to inherit my family's business, I have to. Hindi nila ako pinilit pero may natanto ako. No one will manage the business in the future if the time comes my parents decided to retire. I don't mind the money, but I do care for the people working for the company. I learned to see the bigger picture; I'm not here for the sole reason that I need my inheritance but because I was born with the responsibility of leading. Pero sinuhestiyon ko na magsisimula muna ako sa mababang posisyon dahil gusto kong ma-earn with my own hardwork and efforts ang future position ko sa kompanya.

Dax chose to live in the dorm in spite of I'm a bit far from him. I have my apartment in Makati and I asked him to just live with me and we will share the rental fee and the bills but he declined my offer. Ang sagot niya ay lilipat lamang siya kasama ko kapag naging doctor na siya.

"I will visit you every weekend. Lagi tayong magfi-facetime. And Makati is not that far from my dorm. Namimiss mo agad ako, eh."

Inirapan ko siya dahil noong isang buwan pa namin pinagtatalunan ang bagay na ito. Naiintindihan ko naman siya at mas madali rin para sa kaniya kung malapit siya sa kaniyang school at trabaho. Sinasabi kong praktikal kung hati kami sa gastusin pero ang totoo ay gusto ko lang rin na lagi ko siyang nakikita. Ngayong pinagsasabay niya ang pag-aaral at trabaho, kaunti na lamang ang panahon namin sa isa't-isa.

I'm being childish and thinking illogically, I know that. That's why I'm also trying my best to understand the life we have now. May trabaho ako at nag-aaral din, pero sa'ming dalawa, ako ang mas may maginhawang oras. Why no one told me that adulting is much harder than school?

Tatlong oras din kami sa daan bago kami tuluyang nakarating sa tapat ng dorm building nila. Bumaba ako, si Dax, at si tita habang pinapark ni tito ang sasakyan. May inayos si tita at Dax sa cashier habang naiwan naman ako sa lobby at binabantayan ang mga gamit niya.

Nauna akong lumipat sa apartment ko sa Makati noong isang linggo pero hanggang ngayon ay 'di pa rin ako mapayapa na magkaiba na kami ng tinatahak na landas ni Dax. We're still together, a couple, and very much in love with each other, but I don't like this feeling of missing him already.

"Hello, Miss."

Naputol ang mga iniisip ko nang may sumulpot na matangkad na lalaki sa'king harap. Hindi ko siya nginitian o ano man, tinignan ko lang siya. He's tall, siguro kasing tangkad ni Dax, at medyo payat. His hair is long and bleached with the color of blonde. He's not familiar, thus, I don't care.

"Dito ka rin ba magdo-dorm? My name's Noah. How about you? What's your name? Maybe we can be friends?" He smiled at me and I saw how his eyes surveyed me from foot to head.

Uminit agad ang ulo ko. I'm suddenly annoyed.

"May party mamaya ang friend ko. Everyone is invited, you can come with me if you want."

I know he's hitting on me. And he's certainly trying to flirt! God. I hate men like him. I grew up in a province and was sheltered for a few years but I'm not ignorant.

"Are you still in college or graduate school? Ngayon lang kasi kita nakita dito. A pretty girl like you isn't that hard to notice, so, maybe you're just new here."

Hindi ko siya sinagot at sinadya kong tinaas ang aking kanang kamay. The tiara ring Dax wore to me last year shined when it was hit by the ceiling's lighting.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you're a married woman." Mabilis at natataranta niyang untag bago tumalikod at lumabas ng building.

Kinagat ko ang aking pang-ibabang labi upang mapigilan ang paghalakhak. Sakto ay nakita ko si Dax na papalapit sa'kin—hindi kasama si tita dahil nagpasya ang mga magulang niyang hindi na sasama sa itaas. I can see his brows meeting each other in confusion.

"Bakit ka natatawa?" Tanong niya at tinulak ang cart.

Sumabay ako sa kaniya at ako na ang pumindot ng elevator floor dahil alam ko naman kung anong floor niya. Kinewento ko sa kaniya ang nangyari bago siya dumating at katulad ko ay halos matawa rin siya. The guy who was trying to hit on me assumed that I'm already married.

"I need to inform my colleagues as well that I'm already married." Dagdag ko sa biro bago kami nakarating sa tamang palapag.

He opened the door and we are welcomed by three other guys Dax is going to share the room with. Sumunod ako kay Dax sa loob at sinuri ang loob. It has four wooden loft beds, one large window with gray and white blinds, and a bathroom—which I didn't dare to inspect anymore. There are also four study tables for each of them and a small counter that serves as their kitchen, I think. May refrigerator at ibang gamit na rin na sa tingin ko ay dala ng roommates niya dahil siya ang huling dumating sa kanilang apat.

"Hello!"

"Ikaw ba si Dax?! Wala nalaman ko lang! Nice to meet you."

Agad umingay ang paligid dahil pare-parehas silang mga lalaki at sa tingin ko ay makakasundo naman sila ni Dax.

"Anong year mo na?"

"UP Manila ka rin ba, bro?"

Tumayo ako sa isang gilid at pinanood silang nagpapalitan ng salita. I smiled watching Dax enthusiastically talking with the boys. Ngayon pa lang sila nagkita at nagkakilala pero parang isang linggo na silang nagkwentuhan tungkol sa buhay kung magbiruan. That's what I love about him that I used to hate. He's so sociable and friendly with everyone. He is easily liked by anyone he just met.

"Girlfriend mo, bro?" Tanong ng lalaking nasa dulo at nginuso ako.

Hinuli ni Dax ang aking kamay kaya naman lumapit ako sa kaniyang gilid. His hands draped over my shoulders and when I was about to introduce myself, he spoke.

"Asawa ko. This is Tri," pakilala niya sa'kin.

Niyuko niya ako at nginisian. When he winked at me, my heart pounded insanely again. Just like before, his affect on me is still the same. I don't think it will ever change. O kung magbabago man, mas lalo lamang tataas ang intensidad.

"Kasal ka na?!" Gulat nilang tanong, sunod-sunod pero tinawanan lang sila ni Dax.

I stifle a smile when he hid me from them and looked deeply through my soul. His eyes will never falter to give me butterflies.

"Ako na mag-aayos ng mga gamit ko mamaya." Aniya at hinalikan ako sa'king noo.

Ngumuso ako. Sinabi kong tutulungan ko siyang mag-ayos pero mukhang hindi na kailangan dahil siya pala ang huling dumating dito. I don't want to leave yet but I need to.

Hinaplos niya ang aking braso kaya naman tinangala ko siya. He knows what I'm thinking and I feel so pathetic. Nginisian niya ako.

"I don't like telling you to leave." Mapagbiro pa rin ang ngisi sa labi niya.

I know what he meant. Alam kong gusto niya ring magtagal ako dito kasama niya pero hindi naman iyon pwede.

"Pero pwede mo akong ihatid sa baba ulit." I playfully said back.

He hooked his arms on my neck at patalikod na kumaway sa mga kasama niya bago kami lumabas ng kwarto. His arms remain hugging my neck and I like the feeling of his strong arms warming my neck. Naramdaman ko ang paglapat ng labi niya sa'king sentido nang sumarado ang elevator. I watched our reflections on the elevator's door and I can't help but to take few pictures of us.

"Germar's hospital is just fifteen minutes walk from here. Gigising na lang ako ng maaga."

Tiningala ko siya. "You're going to walk?"

Pumungay ang kaniyang mga mata at tumango. "Para makatipid at exercise na rin."

I pouted. He smiled and gave me another peck on my lips.

"When will you stop being cute and pretty, babe?" He said those while lavishing kisses on my cheeks but I ignored the tingling sensations because I want to talk.

"I have a job, Dax. I can lend you some money when you're short—"

His forefinger fell on my lips which made me shut my mouth. I frowned at him and give up.

"Tomorrow is your first day. I wish my baby good luck." He muttered against my hair when he finally stops kissing me on my face.

Bukas ang first day ko sa trabaho, siya naman ay sa kaniyang pag-aaral sa Med School. I hope we will both succeed in the path we chose.

"Do well on your first day, too."

Inihilig ko ang likod sa kaniyang katawan at tahimik naming hinintay ang pagbaba at pagbukas ng elevator. 

Life is just about to happen for both of us.