Entry 22

Anger, disappointment, regret, recrimination, or maybe everything. That's how my mother looked me in the eyes. Like she's staring at someone she never knew existed. Like she can't believe her eyes for what they are saying. And she can't grasp the fact that her ears heard everything clearly.

The pool of tears in my eyes along with anger and resentment is enough evidence that I wasn't the same old daughter they had. I stopped growing at thirteen when they told me that I should do whatever they want me to do. I always listen to them; always think that they are right. Perhaps, every parent will say that they are only doing what is right and best for their children, but what about us? Are we forever kids in their heads who are not capable of making their own decisions in life? Kailan nila matatanto na tumatanda kami at nagkakaroon ng muwang sa mundo, may kakayahan kaming magdesisyon at pumili para sa buhay na gusto namin?

It's never my intention to forget them, I just want to grow out of my comfort zone. To become the person I failed to become because I was caged my whole life. However, I don't know if it's greed or fear that stops them to free me.

Greed, because they want to rule over me. Fear, because they never can afford to see me grow. Either way, it's not right. They are the ones who made me, they are responsible for my being, but this is my life. I have my own favorites. I have my own way of living. I have my own views on everything. They can't just forever dictate me for who I should become.

Habang iniisip nila na ginagawa nila ang makakabuti para sa'kin, unti-unting lumalaki ang agwat sa pagitan namin dahilan para hindi na nila makilala kung sino pa ba ang anak nila. I was growing according to the life they planned for me, but they failed to notice who I actually have become.

"Words." Tanging lumabas sa bibig ni Mommy at dinuro niya ako gamit ang kaniyang daliri.

I don't know if I saw a glimpse of tears in her eyes or if it was just me deluding myself. I hate them but I also love them. Noon, akala ko imposibleng maramdaman ang ganito. I've read a lot of books that mention how you can hate someone and still love them. This is it. This is how it actually feels.

When I look into their eyes, I see mixtures of bad things. On the other hand, if I let my heart decides and feels them, all I know is that I still love them. Ganoon din kaya ang nararamdaman nila para sa'kin? That no matter how they think that I'm a failure, do they still love me?

"I will never be like your boyfriend, Tri, because I will never dare take my very little chance when I'm obviously nothing compares to the woman I want."

I shoot my father a piercing look and saw him ridiculing my statements. Yeah. He will never be like Dax because he's a coward. Dax, on the other hand, is willing to take every risk because he loves me.

"He will be someone you wouldn't expect him to become, Dad. At kahit wala pa siyang napapatunayan hanggang ngayon dahil estudyante pa rin siya, at least hindi siya katulad mo. He has integrity." I gave emphasis to the last words.

"I actually have no idea why you are comparing me to that boy. I'm your father-"

"He's no hypocrite." Dagdag ko.

His contemptuous smirk is annoying me. What I hate about my father the most that I never inherit is how he always acts like he can patronize anyone just because he's so proud of himself. He's so confident that anyone who will dare to talk to him will eventually end up respecting him or fearing him.

"You know what? Let's end this discussion. Katulad ng sinabi ng Mommy mo, this is all nonsense. Go back to your room. Now that you're finally graduate," he arched his eyebrow like he's torn between believing that I really got my degree now or what. "We can talk about your position in the company. You'll take Masters and when it's finally time for you to take over-"

"I came here to ask you to leave Dax and his family alone! I wasn't going home!" My voice turned louder again.

I can't believe them. Are they blind? Manhid ba sila? Bakit hindi nila maramdaman at makita na ang tanging intensiyon ko kung bakit ako nasa kanilang harapan ngayon ay dahil kay Dax? Hindi pa nagkrus sa isip ko na bumalik sa mansion na ito. I actually have a lot of plans for myself in the past few months. I'll start looking and applying for jobs, continue to rent for an apartment while saving money for the future, or if I'll be given the opportunity to teach, I'll grab it. And then, when I can finally say that I lived without their help, maybe I can go back and we can be family again-maybe they will finally accept Dax and the life I chose. That was my plan!

"Well, you're home, sweetie." Mom shrugged and turned her back on me.

Nakita ko si nanay na tuluyan nang naglakad patungo sa'min. Halata sa mga mata niya ang pag-aalala para sa'kin at akala ko ay lumapit siya upang ipagtanggol ako sa'king mga magulang ngunit iba ang lumabas sa bibig niya.

"Nasa labas po si Kap at ang asawa niya, Ma'am, Sir. Nakikiusap ho na makausap kayo."

My eyes widened and I quickly walked towards inside the mansion. Narinig ko ang pagtawag ni Mommy sa pangalan ko ngunit nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad. Hindi pa nag-iisang oras nang makarating ako rito at nang matanggap ko ang text ni tita Mariana na nagsasabing nasa prisinto sila nang sundan si Dax. Kung nandito sila ay maaaring hindi na nila natiis ang kalagayan ng kanilang anak. Gano'n din ako.

"Tita," tumakbo ako pababa sa hagdanang bato at lumapit kina kap at tita.

Sinalubong ako ni tita nang isang mainit na yakap kahit halata sa kaniyang mukha ang pinaghalo-halong pag-aalaa, takot, at galit. Hinaplos niya ang aking buhok at nagiguilty ako na sa dinami-dami nilang ginawang mabuti sa'kin ay ganito ko lamang sila masusuklian. Dinagdagan ko sila ng problema at ginulo ko ang tahimik nilang buhay.

"Sorry po," I can't help but burst out in tears.

Galit at sinisisi ko ang aking mga magulang but I'm also partly to be blame. Kung hindi ko naging boyfriend si Dax at kung hindi ako tumitigil sa kanila paminsan-minsan ay hindi sana sila madadamay. Bakit kung sino pa ang nagmamagandang loob sa'kin ang kailangan magdanas ng ganito sa kamay ng mga magulang ko?

"This is not your fault, Tri. Stop blaming yourself." She whispered to my ears but I shook my head and withdraw from the hug.

I looked at them through my tears and a quiet sob came out of my mouth. I bit my lower lip.

"I was trying to talk to them. I..." umiling ako, hindi ko alam kung paano ipapaliwanag sa kanila na hindi ako pinapakinggan ng sarili kong mga magulang. "I'm really sorry, tita. Kap,"

"Hija, anak, huwag mong isipin na kasalanan mo ito. Siguro'y mayroon lamang hindi pagkakaunawaan sa pagitan namin at ng mga magulang mo. Kaya kami naririto upang makausap sila." Dax's father calmly told me.

I blinked my tears away and I'm in awe of how good people they are. Kahit nasa ganitong sitwasyon sila dahil sa'kin ay hindi nila ako sinisisi. At kahit nakakasigurado akong alam nila ang reputasyon ng aking mga magulang ay iniisip pa rin nilang misunderstanding lang ito-which I extremely disagree with because I know well that my parents did this in purpose. They want to punish me by putting people I care most under their nose. They know that this will hurt me in the worsest way they could imagine.

"Look who we have here. Magandang gabi sa inyo, kap." Bati ni Daddy sa pekeng maligayang boses.

I stood next to tita Mariana and watch as my parents descended the stairs. My mom isn't smiling, instead, she's staring at me with sharp eyes.

"Move your ass and go to your room, Trishastrea." Utos niya sa'kin.

I scowled at her. "I'm not a kid!"

Her eyes widened and I thought I saw a devil woman in her. She's scary when she's angry.

"If you're not a kid, act like a lady, then! Stop standing next to a trash. You know better than that."

Muling bumilis ang tibok ng aking puso dahil sa galit. How dare she talk like that!

"Mr. and Mrs. Delavin, narito kami upang kausapin kayo tungkol sa maling akusasyon sa anak namin na si Dax-"

"That wasn't a wrong accusation, Mrs. Sernio." Putol ni Mommy sa sinasabi ni tita.

Kahit nilait ni Mommy si tita Mariana ay pinili pa ring maging kalmado ni tita. Kinuyom ko ang aking mga kamao at humakbang ng isang beses palapit sa'king mga magulang at doon ko lang napansin na sumunod si nanay at bumababa na ngayon sa hagdanan.

"Nobyo ng anak n'yo si Dax. Hindi niya kinidnap si Tri-"

"Which I never allowed. My daughter ran away with someone she barely knows."

"I didn't run away with him! I ran away from the both of you!" Sigaw ko sa kanilang dalawa.

Ngumiwi si Mommy at nakakasigurado akong napahiya siya sa sagot kong iyon. Sarili niyang anak, hindi niya makontrol? That's a shameful news.

"And I'm on my legal age. I'm not a teenager who needs your permission to whoever I will date."

"You knew nothing. They took advantage of your innocence. And what do we know? Maybe they have bigger plans. Make you marry their son, therefore, they can have a share of your inheritance." Mom snorted and rolled her eyes.

"Wala kaming masamang intensiyon sa pagbubukas ng pinto ng aming bahay para kay Tri. She needs people noong mga panahong umalis siya sa inyong mansion. We let her in because we can't just watch her having no one else around her. We did it solely for the reason that we care for her."

My heart warms hearing that but it was short-lived. I saw my mother scornfully glaring at tita Mariana.

"You did it because you knew how rich my daughter is."

"Nabuhay kami noon na kumakain lamang ng tatlong beses sa isang araw o minsan ay hindi. Kaya naming mabuhay ng ganoon ulit pero malaki ang pangarap ni Dax para sa kaniyang sarili at sa pamilya namin. We never prayed to be billionaires like you, Madam."

"And you said that these people are not hypocrites?" Binalingan ako ni Mommy, nangungutya ang kaniyang halakhak.

My eyebrows pinched together as I remained glaring at her.

"Not everyone wants what you have. Some people are contented with seeing smiles on their children and continuously striving to provide for them." I hissed.

She stopped her contemptuous laugh and frowned. The wrinkles on her forehead are showing and her makeup is gleaming like glitters on her face.

"That's not how I will raise my child. They deserve luxurious stuff in their bedroom, in their body-"

"Mom!" I yelled, exasperated.

I'm exhausted repeating conversations about what their parenting style is. I'm the living proof that their methods weren't recommendable.

"I don't care." I said, emphasizing every word. "We don't care about what you think is best for me. We don't like hearing your side. We want Dax, their son, out of that prison! He never did wrong!"

"Stop raising your voice at your mother." Dad's thunderous tone echoed.

I gritted my teeth as my chest is continuously heaving.

"Then, stop this act of superiority, Dad. You won! You're the mighty God of this town and everyone must bow at you. Okay. Fine. I guess we'll just have to deal with it for the rest of our lives. Just leave Dax and his family alone. Release him!"

Hinabol ko ang aking hininga dahil sa tuloy-tuloy kong pagsalita. However, instead of receiving a shocking reaction from him, he only remained unemotional. Inalis niya sa'kin ang tingin at binalingan si kap.

"The only talk we need is how you should be now looking for an attorney. But that would also just be a waste of time." He smirked with no humor.

"Dad!"

He lifts his forefinger in the air without looking at me to shut me.

"But I can free your son right now with one condition." He glanced at me once before returning his gaze to Dax's parents.

"Leave this town and never see my daughter again."

"No!" I screamed fiercely. "You can't do that! Fucking release Dax now!"

The ball in my throat is emerging again and my mind is starting to get messy. I don't want his family and Dax to leave me. But... my father is right. Kahit mag-aksaya ng milyones ang pamilya ni Dax para sa isang abogado ay wala iyong kwenta. My parents will do everything para madiin lamang si Dax and worst is madadamay pa ang pamilya niya.

No.

Umiling ako habang namumuo na ang luha sa'king mga mata.

I can't just let them leave. Especially Dax.

Perhaps, I'm being selfish but I don't want to sacrifice. Ayokong isuko ang relasyon ko kay Dax dahil nakakasigurado akong iyon din ang gagawin niya kung nandito siya.

Lumapit ako kay Mommy at Daddy. "Free him." Utos ko kahit alam kong nagmumukha lang akong nakakatawa.

"My son loves your daughter, Ma'am, Sir. As we are both tempted with your only condition, we are in no place to decide for our child." Sambit ni Kap.

Tumalikod ako upang maharap sila at namilog ang mga mata. My tears ran freely on my cheeks as I saw them giving me faint smile through my blur eyes.

"At nakakasigurado kaming hindi gugustuhin ni Dax ang kondisyon n'yo. Tri is part of my son's life. This may sound fictional to you but Dax is breathing for her. We can never take that away from him." Tita Mariana added.

"Then, let's end our discussion here. Waste pennies for your son. Pity how Dax has dumb parents."

Muli kong hinarap si Mommy dahil sa sinabi niyang iyon. I was about to talk in her face again when I felt strong hands in both of my arms. My eyes widened in both startlement and indignance.

Sa magkabilang gilid ko ay naroon ang dalawang malalaking body guards namin at walang kahirap-hirap akong hinila palayo.

"Stop!" I screamed at them and looked behind me to see my parents.

"Mom! Stop this!"

"You'll stay in your room and you will not leave unless I told so." Tangi niyang sambit bago nila ako hinila sa hagdanan pero pilit akong nagpupumiglas.

I tried to kick the one on my left but it was nothing. He's huge like a WBA fighter.

"Get off your hands of me!" I shouted with all my heart.

"Ma'am, nasasaktan ho si Tri." Dinig kong sambit ni nanay.

"Ako na lang ho ang maghahatid sa kaniyang kwarto-"

"Manahimik ka."

Iyon ang huli kong narinig mula sa kanila bago ako tuluyang naipasok sa loob ng mansion. I tried bitting the one in my right on his covered shoulders but they only started walking faster.

"I said get off your hands on me!" I waggled my arms and body to get away from their hold but I only wasted my energy.

They put me inside my room and walked quickly towards the door. Tumakbo ako upang makahabol at makalabas bago pa man din nila maisara ngunit halos mapaatras ako nang bayolente itong sumarado sa'king mukha. I bellowed and slammed my hands on the door. Pinihit ko ang doorknob ngunit locked ito mula sa labas.

Shit.

I turned around and saw the double doors to my balcony. Tumakbo ako patungo roon pero maging iyon ay locked mula sa labas. I tried kicking it and messing with the door locks but it was no use because I know how my parents make sure that every door and window in our house is well protected and state-of-art.

Screw them.

I fall to my knees but I remembered that Dax is still in prison. I can't just cry here. I need to get out.

"Let me out!" I bellowed at the door and slammed it repeatedly.

"Let me out!" I repeated it over and over again until I'm starting to feel my throat getting dry.

I stopped when I remembered that I have a phone. Kinapa ko ang bulsa ng aking jeans ngunit wala roon ang cellphone ko. Umikot ako sa kwarto at baka nahulog ko ngunit wala kahit saan.

They took it from me. Kung paano ay hindi ko maalala.

Lumapit ulit ako sa pintuan at sinubukang sirain ang doorknob nang paulit-ulit.

"You're wasting your energy, honey." It was my mother's voice.

"Let me out of here, Mommy!" I pleaded but my voice is still laced with anger.

"You really changed. You weren't this aggressive."

I clenched my fists. "Just let me out. I don't like it here."

"And what? Pupuntahan mo ang boyfriend mo?" She mocked the word 'boyfriend' and continued. "Sa tingin mo ba ay totoo ang sinabi ng dalawang iyon? When you return in their home, they will look at you differently. Iisipin nila na sana ay tinanggap nila ang kondisyon namin nang sa gayon ay kasama na nila muli ang kanilang anak. Unti-unti nilang matatanto na kasalanan mo ang lahat ng ito. Na ang dahilan kung bakit nagkakanda-letse letse ang kanilang buhay ay dahil sa'yo. Maiisip nila na kung sana ay hindi ka nila nakilala, siguro'y tahimik pa rin ang kanilang buhay. Their son will peacefully enter the examination hall and ace that NMAT so he can continue to attend the medical school. They will have a doctor eventually and everything will be worth it. Pero dahil dumating ka sa buhay nila, hindi mangyayari ang pangarap nila para sa kanilang anak. You ruined their life, sweetie. That's how they will look at you when you return at their house."

My shoulders weakened and I suddenly find it difficult to breathe. Idagdag pa ang hindi normal na pagtibok ng aking puso dahil sa pinaghalo-halong emosyon.

Umiling ako. Hind iyon totoo. Tita Mariana and Kap are not like them. They love me. They care for me.

"And when they said they care for you, did you really believe that? Sa tingin mo ba ay mas mahalaga ka kaysa sa sarili nilang anak?"

No.

That isn't true.

Pero mas mahalaga nga ba ako kaysa kay Dax? Wouldn't they look at me with hatred?

But Dax loves me and they know it.

Am I being selfish?

"You're not seeing it because you're blindsided with your opinion of yourself that you're better than us, but you're selfish, too. You can't sacrifice because you want what you want. You need to have what you need. And that is Dax regardless of what his situation is."

Tinakpan ko ang aking tainga at umiling. No. She's just trying to make this look like my fault because she wants to control me again.

Hindi iyon totoo.

I'm not selfish.

I cried in silence. I slammed the door once again.

"Let me leave." Sa nanghihina kong boses na untag.

"Mommy, I love him." Tuluyan nang sumuko ang aking boses dahil nanghihina na ako.

Gusto ko na lang na makita at marinig niyang nasasaktan ako. Ito ba ang gusto niya? Ang magdusa ang sarili niyang anak dahil lang sa pinili ko ang buhay na gusto ko? Am I the selfish one here?

"You don't! The more you think about it, the more it becomes real. It's just all in your head."

She doesn't understand.

"This is my emotion. My feelings. I know that I love him-"

"You're too young for this kind of relationship. Do you know that? He's corrupting your mind with sweet flowery words and makes you believe with these stupid feelings that aren't real. Can't you see? He's turning you into someone like them. The irrational teenagers of today!"

I'm not a teenager. "Are your feelings with Dad stupid?"

I didn't hear a response from the outside but I can still feel that she was there. Weren't she like this during my age or when she met Dad? Wasn't she irrational?

"I met your Mom when we were out of college. I courted her when I finally have a job." My father's voice interrupted my thoughts about Mom.

"A job to sustain a family. We're both practical and rational. Not stupid."

That isn't love. "You marry her just because you want a family?"

"I love your mother-"

"Then you're stupid! Everyone who is capable of loving someone is stupid!" Sigaw ko.

"You marry her because you love her. You love her the reason why you wanted a family. And it's stupid, Dad. Being in love is stupid. Pathetic. Unpractical. That's how you view love, right? Kaya iniisip mo na hindi ako capable magmahal dahil gano'n ang naging tingin mo dati. But you risked it, too! You waited for Mommy no matter how long it will take because you love her. Magkaiba lang tayo. I love Dax now. You only acknowledged your feelings with Mom when you were finally capable of building a life with just the two of you. I accepted mine quickly but that doesn't mean that we can't be more. We will be capable, too. Together."

I didn't hear any words from them again. Tumingala ako habang nararamdaman ang walang awang pagtulo ng aking mga luha. It frustrates me how they don't listen to me.

"You always say that you want the best for me. Pero..." my voice croaked. "Daddy, paano kung ito 'yung tingin ko best para sa'kin? You never asked me what I wanted. What if I don't want the best? What if I only wanted a normal life?"

I swallowed the bile in my throat and sniffed before staring back at the closed door in front of me.

"Falling in love is normal. Living on my own and listening to myself is normal. Why can't you understand that?"

Narinig ko ang yabag ng takong ni Mommy na papalayo at nakasisigurado akong umalis na sila. Kumawala ang hikbi sa'king bibig at tuluyan nang nanlambot ang aking mga tuhod. Bumagsak ako sa sahig at sinapo ko ang aking mukha gamit ang aking mga palad.

What things could I probably do to make them see that I'm here and they have to think again if they are being good parents to me?

I let my head fall back on the door as I stare at the huge space of my bedroom. Nothing has much changed since the last time I've been here. I remembered how I used to wake up every morning in that bed when I was little. I was always excited to learn taekwondo with Dad and join him on the golf course. I always looked forward to seeing my Mom's new dresses for me. I liked those. I really did. I appreciated how they gave me everything that other kids didn't experience having when they were my age. I love them.

But I can't just always be the one to understand and love them. They have to see what they are doing to me. They are controlling me like I'm a computer. An audience. A robot. A puppet. I can't be like that again.

Tumayo ako sa nanghihinang mga kalamnan at pumasok sa malaking bathroom ng kwarto. I searched for the cabinets and found medicine tablets inside. I took a deep breath.

I know I'm not currently thinking straight but if this is the only way to get out of here, then I'll do it. Calling an ambulance because I'm lying on the bed without consciousness, dramatic it is, but be it. When it comes to fighting for love, I'm no logical. I want Dax to get out of that shithole no matter what it takes.

I shake the bottle and the tablets fell to my palm.

This is mental. Stupid.

But I have to see Dax. He's part of my life. Without him, I'm incomplete. Lost. Crazy to think how in a short span of time, I already become dependent on him.

Lumabas ako ng bathroom at nahiga sa'king kama. Tinulak ko ang malaking table lamp sa bedside table ko at gumawa ito ng malakas na ingay nang bumagsak sa tiled floor at sigurado akong umabot ang ingay hanggang sa ibaba. I heard footsteps running in the hallway, the door opening, and the scream of my name before my eyes closed for a long sleep.