Entry 19

Dax's OJT started and the finals came promptly. Nang pumasok ang Disyembre ay mas lalo lamang naging hectic ang mga schedules namin dahil sa maraming pinapasang requirements. Nagkaroon lamang kami ng kakaunting oras na pahinga nang magsimula ang Holiday season. Like what Dax suggested, I spent the holidays with his family. And it surprised me that my family didn't even contacted me during Christmas or New Year. Ni kahit mula kay nanay ay wala akong narinig.

Nang bisitahin namin ang mga bata bago mag-pasko at bagong taon ay nalaman kong dinalhan sila ni nanay ng mumunting regalo. Kahit paano ay naging konsolasyon ko iyon na hindi pa naman ako kinakalimutan ni nanay. I don't know if she hates me for running away, but I'm certain that she still loves me. Hindi lang talaga ako sigurado kung anong nararamdaman niya ngayong hindi pa rin ako umuuwi. At hindi rin ako sigurado kung ipagpapasalamat ko bang hindi ako hinanap at inuwi ng mga magulang ko sa mansion noong holidays o masasaktan at madidismaya dahil pinapatunayan lang no'n na wala silang pakialam sa'kin.

Honestly, I didn't grow up getting excited for Christmas or New Year. Hindi katulad ng ibang bata na nakakatanggap ng mga regalo at ginugugol ang buong panahon ng mga araw na iyon kasama ang pamilya nila, hindi gano'n sa parte ko. I grew up in a household where we will spend Christmas and New Year eating dinner, watching some fireworks—if they can spare some of their busy time during holidays—and after that, we'll be in bed and sleeping. I thought that was normal—or maybe it was because that was my family's normal—but when I saw how our house helps celebrated Christmas eve and New Year, it starts to confuse me if I should be enjoying the holidays or if it's supposed to be just like the other normal days. Nothing special.

When I spent the holidays with Dax's family, I realized how much I had missed. Because the real joy and fun of Christmas and New Year are what I had felt with them. Not when I was in my own home.

"Anong theme ng graduation ball? Hindi na raw gowns and tuxes, ah?"

Nag-angat ako ng tingin mula sa pag-aayos ko ng gamit sa bag nang magsalita si Allison sa unahan. Kinakausap niya ang iba naming kaklase tungkol sa nalalapit na graduation ball. My heart leap with the thought of our upcoming graduation. Sobrang bilis ng panahon dahil isang buwan mula ngayon ay makakatapos na rin ako sa wakas.

Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa aking bag. I just don't know if my parents will show up. Halos anim na buwan na ang nakakaraan nang umalis ako sa bahay at isang beses pa lang rin nag-krus ang landas namin. Kahit naiinis at nagtatampo ako, may parte sa'kin na gusto kong sila ang kasama ko sa graduation rites. Pero ano nga rin bang saysay nang pagtayo nila sa'king tabi kung hindi naman sapat sa kanila ang karangalang makukuha ko?

Hindi pa man din tapos ang computation of grades at hanggang ngayon ay may mga final requirements pa kaming hinahabol, nakakasigurado na akong hindi ako magiging Suma Cum Laude. My previous GWA won't make it happen.

"Costume theme raw."

Bumalik ako sa realidad nang marinig na sumagot ang isa naming kaklase.

"Tanga, alam kong costume ang isusuot. Ang ibig kong sabihin ay anong theme. Kunwari Disney, gano'n."

Tinignan ko si Allison sa harapan na hindi naman tunog naiinis ang boses at ekspresyon pero hindi ko pa rin gusto ang mga lumalabas sa bibig niya. Sa loob ng halos isang taon na seatmate kami ay hindi ako makapaniwala na nagawa ko iyong tiisin. I never thought that I could actually tolerate another version of Dax in my life. I hate to admit it but we're somewhat closer now than the previous years. Pero tingin ko ay hanggang graduation na lang iyon dahil hindi ko na rin naman siya makikita pagkatapos.

"Bobo ka rin." Balik ng kaklase namin.

Tumawa si Allison. "Nagagalit? Nagtatanong lang, eh. 'Tsaka wala naman akong sinabi na bobo ka, ah!"

"Malapit na graduation 'tsaka pa lang kayo maglalabasan ng totoong ugali? Dapat noong first year pa kayo nagrambulan ni Allison."

Hindi ko napigilang ngumisi. Sa loob ng halos apat na taon na kaklase ko si Allison ay ilang beses ko siyang nakitang nakikipag-away sa mga kaibigan niya na para bang mga high school students sila pero nakita ko rin kung paano siya nag-mature. Ngayong taon, she was more tamed. She doesn't involve herself with petty fights on social media anymore and she barely go out with her friends. Sa nagdaang buwan ay lagi siyang nakabuntot sa'kin dahil nasa OJT si Dax at wala akong ibang kasama.

Again, I hate to admit it, but I'm grateful for her company.

"Fairytale raw ang theme. Narinig ko sa kabilang section." Biglang sumulpot sa pintuan ang kaklase naming lalaki na mukhang galing sa labas.

Lahat sila ay tinuon ang atensiyon sa kaniya dahil sa sinabi niya.

"Seryoso?"

"May naisip na 'kong costume!"

"Mag-i-Snow White ako! Walang gagaya! Akin na 'yon! Subukan n'yong mag-Snow white sa grad ball, magkakaalaman tayo." Lintaniya ni Allison at sinulat sa board ang pangalan niya at sa tabi ay ang Snow White.

Fairytale theme for Grad ball? Siguro ay nagsawa na ang ibang organizers na laging puro naka-gown at tuxedo ang nakikita tuwing Graduation ball.

"Mag-Lion King ako."

"Gago!" Nagtawanan sila.

Sa sobrang daming graduating students ngayong taon, hindi ako sigurado na walang magkakapareha ng costume. And I actually have no idea what I'm going to wear. May naisip na kaya si Dax?

"Ikaw? Anong isusuot mo?" Allison sat back on her chair beside me when our next prof came.

Hindi ko siya sinagot. Hindi ko pa naman alam kung anong isusuot ko.

"Maganda kapag matching kayo ni Dax." She started to think out loud. "Marami akong alam na Disney couples. Beauty and the Beast? Or gusto mo Sleeping beauty? Ikaw si Belle or si Aurora, at si Dax ang beast o 'di kaya ay prince charming mo. What do you think? Alin sa dalawa?"

I stare at her dumbfounded. She's—in no doubt—Dax's female version. They talk so much. And I have no idea how I was able to tolerate them both in my life. Well, I love Dax. But her? I have no idea.

"O kaya Cinderella? Bagay sa'yo ang blue."

At marami pa siyang binanggit pero I don't know lang ang naisagot ko. Hanggang matapos ang huling klase sa hapon ay walang ibang bukambibig ang mga kaklase ko kundi ang grad ball at kung anong plano nilang isusuot.

Tumayo ako sa threshold ng classroom at pinanood silang nagkakagulo at nag-aaway dahil pare-parehas sila ng mga naiisip na costume. Today, we don't think about school or studies. Today, we think about having fun; getting excited again after long months of stressed over school works.

"Trishastrea," Allison singsong and jumps in front of me.

She's smiling wide at me with some meaning behind it that I don't understand. Tinalikuran ko siya at nagtuloy palabas. Nang magkita naman kami ni Dax ay sinalubong niya sa'kin ang tanong na iniisip ko rin kanina. We talked about the upcoming graduation ball two weeks from now and he suggested the same thing that Allison mentioned. Kaunti na lang ay iisipin kong nagpapalit anyo siya.

For the next two weeks before graduation ball, we spent it completing our requirements and fitting togas. Nagkaroon na rin kami ng graduation pictorial at pagkatapos ng mga iyon ay nagpasa na ang mga professor ng grades pero hanggang ngayon ay wala pa ring list of Latin Honors. All the same time, I was also deliberately thinking about what I'm going to wear in grad ball.

Hanggang sa isang araw na lang bago ang graduation ball at 'tsaka pa lang kami nagdesisyon ni Dax nang isusuot.

"Romeo and Juliet? Hindi ba sila naka-gown at tuxedo?" Tanong niya habang nasa roof kami ng bahay nila.

His mother suggested that I should stay here for a while and until graduation ball para mayroong tutulong sa'king mag-ayos. That's the reason why we're here on their roof; we used his windows in going out here. It's currently three in the morning and the stars are very alive at this hour and spot. I can see the Libra constellation from here and it's astounding. This is my first time to star gaze dahil noon ay hindi ako pinapayagan nila Mommy na magpuyat. Dax made me experience the things I missed when I was growing up and he made sure it wasn't too late for me.

"No. I was saying the clothes they wore during the party at Capulets." I explained to him but I don't think he still understood.

Pagkatapos ng dalawang linggong pag-iisip ng costume ay ngayon lang dumako sa isip ko ang sinuot ni Romeo at Juliet sa party ng mga Capulets. I was able to vividly pictured those costumes when I watched the movie when I was younger. Ilang beses ko na rin iyong napanood kaya mataas ang kumpiyansa ko na kaya namin iyong gayahin. It's kind of simple, actually.

Angel si Juliet at knight naman si Romeo. Medyo hindi pasok sa fairytale theme, but that will do. Para na rin wala kaming kaparehas.

"Let me show you,"

Kinuha ko ang cellphone niya na nasa bulsa ng kaniyang sweatpants at sinearch sa google ang costume. I showed it to him and he finally approved of it. We both think that we can find the exact dresses—and if not, we can search for alternatives.

We went to bed when the sun was almost up and he has to attend school for their graduation pictorial at seven. Kaya naman naiwan ako sa bahay nila kasama si Denisse.

"Let's go."

Halos mapatalon ako sa gulat nang may magsalita sa likod ko. I was sitting on Dax's bed while I was tying my shoes when Denisse appeared at the door and announced that. My eyebrows pinched together in puzzlement.

"Sinabi ni kuya na pupunta kang mall para maghanap ng dress na katulad ng kay Juliet," she pause and averted her gaze.

"He asked me to help you."

Tumayo ako nang tuluyan ko ng matapos ang pagsisintas sa'king sapatos.

"He asked you and you agreed?" Hindi ko maitago ang gulat sa'king boses at ekspresyon.

She didn't even change her bland expression when she nodded.

"Binigyan niya ako ng pera, eh." Nagkibit balikat siya.

Halos mapangiwi ako sa sagot niya pero hindi na ako nagsalita. At least, pumayag siya at kahit paano ay hindi ako mag-isang maghahanap ng costume. I still don't trust my taste when it comes to fashion. My Mom once told me that I have a bad taste for clothes and I still think I do.

"And I think I know where you can buy the exact dress Juliet wore. Hahabol na lang daw si kuya mamaya."

"They also have Romeo's costume?" Mangha kong tanong.

Tinaasan niya ako ng kilay. "It's a costume shop. Doon kami nag-rent ng costume nang magkaroon kami ng play about Romeo and Juliet."

Oh. It makes sense.

Hindi niya na hinintay ang reaksiyon ko at agad na siyang tumalikod at lumabas ulit. Mabilis akong humabol sa kaniya at doon ko lang natanto na nakabihis din siya. Ni hindi man lang niya sinabi sa'kin kaninang umaga na may balak siyang samahan ako. Paano kung naabutan niya akong hindi pa nakakapagbihis, e'di maghihintay pa siya sa'kin?

I smiled thinking that she's helping me. Alam kong binayaran siya ng kuya niya pero pumayag pa rin siya. That's what matters. We're still not really close, but she's not as stone cold as before when we first met. Kahit paano ay kinakausap niya na ako pero nando'n pa rin ang pagsusuplada.

"Nagugutom na 'ko." Dinig kong bulong niya habang naglalakad kami sa mall at hinahanap namin ang shop na sinasabi niya.

"Kumain muna tayo?" Maingat kong tanong.

Sinulyapan niya ako ng isang beses at nagkibit balikat. Dumiretso kami sa isang fast food chain at kumain ng early lunch bago muling hinanap ang store. Naabutan naming nagbubukas pa lang ang may-ari at agad kaming giniya sa loob. Dax came right after I try the angel dress. He also did the same thing and I'm torn between showing the world that he's my gorgeous boyfriend or just keep him with me, away from others' eyes who also dreams about him.

"Magkano binigay mo kay Denisse?" Bulong kong tanong sa kaniya nang lumabas kami ng store at sumunod sa kapatid niyang nauuna sa'min.

The lines on his forehead wrinkled. "Huh?"

I had the same reaction. "Huh?"

Umirap ako nang marealize kong mukha kaming tanga.

"Sabi niya kasi binayaran mo siya para samahan niya akong maghanap ng costume." Paliwanag ko.

Inakbayan niya ako at isang beses kaming nilingon ni Denisse upang makasiguradong nakasunod pa rin kami sa kaniya. She's strangely nice to me the whole time we're together roaming around here searching for the store. Siya pa nga ang tumulong sa'kin na isuot ang pakpak na kasama sa costume ko.

"Wala akong binayad sa kaniya. She lied to you."

Tiningala ko siya at naabutang nangingisi habang nasa harap ang tingin. Ako naman ngayon ang kumunot ang noo.

"She was the one who came to me earlier this morning and suggested to help you search for," he lift the paper bags in his left hand. "This." He continued.

"Narinig niya kasing nag-uusap kami ni mama kanina. Then she go around talking that she knows where to find this Romeo and Juliet costumes."

I was surprised. Really. Hindi ko mapigilang mapangiti nang matanto na kinailangan niyang magsinungaling sa'kin para lang hindi siya magmukha na gusto niya akong tulungan. Dax's right; his little sister is just so much like me. There's more to her than meets the eye.

"Excited ka na bukas?" Tanong niya sa tabi ko.

I pressed my lips together and breathed out through my nose.

"Weird, but I am. I was never really a fan of parties, but..." I trailed off and lift my gaze to meet his.

"I'm with you and that's what excites me."

Natigil siya sa paglalakad kaya naman napahinto rin ako. Tinitigan niya ako sa mga mata na parang gulat na gulat siya sa sinabi ko pero unti-unti ring sumilay ang ngisi sa labi niya. I looked away and started fidgeting my fingers.

"I look forward to more new experiences with you. I want to experience more of this life with you." I confessed shyly.

Naramdaman ko ang paglapat ng labi niya sa sentido ko na nagpatigil sa pagpipisil ko sa'king daliri. I can feel the heat on my cheeks and I'm embarrassed when I saw a few strangers looking at our side.

"We will. I promise." He whispered hoarsely and dragged me with him as we resume our saunter.

"Seryoso ba? May prosisyon ba at ang bagal n'yong maglakad?" Bahagyang malakas na untag ni Denisse sa harap namin.

"Oo. Ikaw ang Santo Niño." Sagot ni Dax na inirapan lang ng kapatid niya.

"Masungit na Santo Niño." Dagdag na hirit ni Dax.

Tinalikuran kami ng kapatid niya at nagtuloy sa paglalakad hanggang nauna siyang lumabas habang tumatawa naman ang katabi ko dahil napikon ang kapatid niya. I'm not sure if Denisse like the fact that she has a brother. They fight often but they also care for each other. Siguro, you just really have to deal with it.

"Mas bagay sa'yo simple make up." Denisse argued with her mother.

"Dadagdagan ko lang ng eye shadow—"

"'Wag na, 'ma. Papangit."

Pinalipat-lipat ko ang tingin kay Denisse at kay tita habang nagtatalo sila sa pagmi-makeup sa'kin. Kalaunan ay sumuko si tita at inayos ang buhok ko. Si Denisse ay kinuha ang last part ng costume ko at nilagay iyon sa'king likod.

Sinulyapan ko ang bintana ng kwarto ni tita—dahil dito nila ako inayusan para sa grad ball tonight—at nakitang nag-aagaw na ang liwanag at dilim.

"Napakaganda."

Tumayo ako mula sa pagkakaupo sa silya at tinignan ang sariling repleksiyon sa mas malaking salamin. I'm wearing a white scoop neckline long dress with angel wings at my back. A few strands of my hair are braided behind. Umikot ako at napangiti. I look... pretty.

"Where's my Juliet?"

Humarap ako sa pintuan at nakita si Dax sa hamba nito. He's wearing a chainmail top, shoulder, arm armor, and black pants. His thick and dark hair is divided into two halves like a curtain. He almost look the same when I saw him the first time eleven months ago, only that he's not wearing a tux tonight. His honed body cooperated well with his costume because he looks exactly like a knight.

"Gwapo ba?" He positioned himself like a soldier and I heard Denisse's exaggerated distaste.

I smiled at him and nodded. There's no reason to deny that he's bizarrely good looking tonight.

"If that thy bent of love be honourable, thy purpose marriage, send me word tomorrow." He recited confidently.

My eyes widened in surprise. "You memorized that?"

He only shrugged boastfully.

"Actually, that's Juliet's line."

Nakita ko ang mabilis na pagkawala ng yabang sa mukha niya. I almost laughed. He's smart but he's just not really into literature that I don't think he spent the last two days understanding Shakespearean language or the story.

"I'm Dax, anyway, and you're Tri." Bawi niya.

He handed out his hand for me and I gladly accepted it. He winked to his mother and sister before we went downstairs and prepare to go. Nagpaalam ako sa mga magulang niya at sa kapatid bago kami tuluyang dumiretso sa sasakyan at tumuloy sa school.

Madilim na nang makarating kami sa school at dinig na dinig ko na ang malakas na music mula sa gymnasium nang pumasok kami sa gate. We parked and walked towards the long line for entrance.

"Why do you love Romeo and Juliet that much?" He asked a question all of a sudden.

Binalingan ko siya. Sa nagdaang araw ay hindi niya kinewesyon kung bakit si Romeo at Juliet ang gusto kong gayahin namin ngayong gabi. But now that he's asking... bakit nga ba?

"Their story was the first book I've read." Sagot ko.

"I mean nung nagsimula akong mahilig sa libro. Kasi nung bata ako, syempre mga pambatang story books ang binabasa ko. When I entered high school and found out about Shakespeare, I started reading his works. And I love Romeo and Juliet most." I resumed.

Hindi siya sumagot at nanatiling nakatitig sa'kin na para bang hinihintay niyang magdagdag ako ng impormasyon. 

"Their story is epic." I added.

"Tragic you mean."

Ngumuso ako at nag-iwas ng tingin. He cleared his throat and spoke again.

"Kahit parehas silang namatay?"

Naglakad kami nang magsimulang umusad ang mahabang pila. I'm amazed how everyone made effort on their costumes. They all look magical. Pero ilang girls ang nakita kong mga naka-witch costume at dalawang Little Red Riding Hood. Meron ding tatlong Peter Pan at isang Tinkerbell.

"It's beautiful." Sagot ko.

Muli ko siyang sinulyapan at halos umirap ako nang makita ang reaksiyon niya. His eyes are wide open in both surprised and terror.

"What?" I snapped.

"The last thing I want to hear from you is that you wish for the same story as theirs." He said in feign horror.

I grimaced. "Of course not."

"But isn't it romantic that they are both willing to end their lives if it means they will be together? Their love for each other conquers death."

He quickly turned serious when he noticed that I'm not joking around or whatever he was thinking. His dark eyes gleam against the streaming light coming from the pale full moon above us. There are no stars tonight and there is a high probability that it will rain.

"I just want a love like them— which I'm currently experiencing with you— but I don't wish for the same story. Romeo and Juliet barely spent their days together alive, I don't want that. I want to spend every day of my life with you, trying to believe that there will be no end for us."

He smiled that could light every dark corner of this place.

"There's no end to this." He spoke with certainty.

I hope for that. Noon, nakikita ko lang ang sarili ko na sunod-sunuran sa ano mang gusto ng mga magulang ko. I see myself handling our business after I finished college and all while I am studying for my master's. But tonight, with him, I can picture a different future. I can see myself doing the things I really want. I can see the following days smiling and laughing with him. I see my future brighter than it was before because he's part of it. I can see us both in that vision and I want that badly to be real.

I pray that there's really no end to this.

"Omg! Angel Tri?!"

Halos mapapikit ako sa pamilyar na boses na iyon. Kahit hindi ko harapin ay sigurado akong si Allison iyon. Nahagip ng mga mata ko ang natatawang si Dax habang pinagmamasdan ang reaksiyon ko.

"Look at me! I'm Snow White! Ta-da!"

I exhaled an aggressive breath and turned around to face Allison. She's wearing a Snow White costume with a small bow headband on her head. She actually looks exactly like the Disney princess. She has short hair and paper white skin.

"Mansanas," she grinned like evil.

I don't think she wants to portray Snow White, she's behaving more like the old witch.

"Anyway, you're so pretty. Picture tayo."

Bago pa ako makapagreklamo ay hinigit niya na ako at sapilitang kumuha ng litrato naming dalawa. Pumasok kami sa loob at kahit alam ni Allison na kasama ko si Dax ay hindi niya pa rin ako tinantanan sa pagkuha ng selfies. Nakita ko naman si Dax na nilapitan ng mga kaklase niya at nagpicture rin.

I turned around and surveyed the whole gymnasium. The chairs and tables are placed on the other side of the gym, a little too far from the dancefloor with balloons scattered on the grounds. Ang mini stage na ginawa ay may dalawang throne para sa mga tatanghaling King and Queen ngayong gabi. The speakers above are blaring with a familiar piano version of a famous love song that suits perfectly the theme tonight.

Dumagsa pa ang mga pumapasok na tao sa loob ng gymnasium hanggang sa hindi ko na makita si Dax. The music changed and the MC on the stage started speaking by greeting us all. Nawala na rin si Allison sa'king tabi kaya naman humalo na ako sa ibang estudyante upang mahanap si Dax.

The LED lights that hang on the railings of the bleachers designed like some hovering roots make wonderful color combinations. Idagdag pa ang dalawang malaking elf disco balls sa ceilings. There are a color pink and blue arcs on the entrance with male students costumed as soldiers holding their plastic swords. Lumagpas ako sa mga lamesa at umapak sa dance floor. I searched for him on every corner and spotted him looking around as well.

A small smile crept on my lips. We're both looking for each other.

Hindi ako naglakad at hinintay siyang makita ako kahit medyo malayo siya sa'kin. I can't understand anymore what the speaker is saying until I heard the students yelling for something. And the next thing I know, they are either walking toward the buffet section or stepping onto the dance floor.

However, my eyes are only focused to one person. And he's standing there, eyes wandering and searching for me. When he walks and spotted me, I saw how he was relieved. Ngumisi siya sa'kin at binilisan ang paglalakad, walang pakialam kung sinong tumatawag sa pangalan niya.

"I actually watched that one movie of Leonardo DiCaprio. It's like this, isn't it? Romeo trying to search for Juliet in the crowded hall?"

He snaked his arms around my waist when he finally stepped in front of me. Humawak ako sa kaniyang braso at kunwaring nag-isip. But I know what he was saying.

"It's cringe to look at it in the modern world we have now, but it was romantic. It's the beginning of their love story."

His eyes gleam again with the different colors coming from the lights. He looks surreal. He looks exactly like the Romeo I imagined in my head.

"And when does ours start?" He asked playfully.

Hinawakan niya ang aking kamay at giniya ako sa bahagyang napupunong dance floor. The music changed again and the couples near us started dancing like they are the only people here.

"Prom night?" Sagot ko.

Marahan niya akong hinila sa gitna at tinaas ang aking kamay. Noong una ay hindi ko alam kung bakit niya iyon ginawa hanggang sa matanto kong gusto niya akong iikot.

Duh, we're on the dance floor, syempre sasayaw kami.

Halos matawa ako sa sariling naiisip at umikot. He catches my waist when I face him again and I put my hands on his shoulder. They are so hard and I'm beyond certain that he can carry me his whole life.

"I don't think so."

Kumunot ang aking noo. "What do you mean?"

The people around us started moving, hence, we have to do the same. May dalawang babae na dumaan sa gitna namin dahilan para mahiwalay ako kay Dax. I turned around and I thought I will see him but he was nowhere to be found. I peered through the crowd and searched for him again.

"Hey,"

Someone spins me around that almost set my heart on the peak of the mountain. I want to glare at him for startling me, but instead, I laughed softly.

"I think our story began the moment I saw you." Aniya, pinagpapatuloy ang usapan namin kanina pa.

He spins me around again and I end up placing both of my hands on his hard chest. I bit my bottom lip to conceal a smile.

"You saw me first..." I trailed off and lifted my gaze to him as we move along with the rhythm of the music.

"High school, right?" Tuloy ko.

"Grade seven." He specified.

Tumango ako. "Yeah. Grade seven."

"But you didn't know me that time."

I nodded again. "I didn't know you but you knew me."

I don't exactly know what we're doing but I'm playing along.

"I always have loved you, Tri." He said that still surprises me until now.

My chest heaved when my heart starts beating triple time than normal. His sincere eyes never faltered in looking straight into me—like he has no plans of looking anywhere but me.

"It started with the attraction because you're really pretty that turns into a little crush until I decided to confess but I can't do it, therefore, I realized that I'm infatuated. I thought my feelings are shallow because I was just a kid and I know nothing about feelings and such and if they are really real. I believed that I'll forget these feelings I have for you soon but I was wrong."

He stepped back once and made my hands fall. I was about to walk towards him when he stepped back again. I don't understand but he continues speaking.

"Guess what? My feelings didn't disappear. They only get more unbelievably unrestraining. 'Yung tipong kahit alam kong wala akong pagasa sa'yo dahil malinaw pa sa sikat ng araw ang agwat ng estado nating dalawa—  langit ka, lupa ako." He laughed at the latter. "Pero hindi ako natinag."

Ang kaninang hindi mapigilang pagtibok ng puso ko ay mas lalo lamang nagwala. I don't think I can handle my own heartbeat tonight.

"My friends told me that I'm being obsessed with someone I can never have. I almost believed. Sabi ko sa sarili ko, hinding-hindi kita maaabot. I can never deserve you. You can never look at me the way I look at you. Your eyes will remain to stare at anywhere but me. I almost believed that I'm only deluding myself. Sabi nila nababaliw na 'ko dahil sumubok ako sa'yo. Pero alam mo... I didn't talk to you because I wanted to court you or because I want you to return my feelings. Kinausap kita dahil gusto kitang makilala. Gusto kong makilala ang babaeng hinahangaan ko simula pa lang noong thirteen years old ako. Nakakatawa 'diba? Ang bata ko pero baliw na 'ko sa'yo."

I feel like the music stops and the people around us vanished when I saw him walking back towards me again. I feel like this place is our whole new world. It feels like we're the only people here.

"There's always uncertainty in our lives. Hindi ako sigurado kung anong hinahanda ng tadhana para sa'ting dalawa sa hinaharap pero isa lang ang nasisigurado ko,"

My eyes widened and I hear the people screaming around when I saw him knelt on one knee—with a silver ring on his fingertips, offering to me.

My lips parted and my mind is working for words to utter but I can't make myself speak. Ang luha ay unti-unting namuo sa'king mga mata nang matanto ko kung ano ito.

"I want to spend the following uncertain days, months, and years with you. I want us to figure things out together. And this ring symbolizes all my promises. Yes, maybe, I'm too young to be sure that we have a future ahead, but isn't that what life is? Make decisions at a young age and grow with them. And this is how I want to make decisions at twenty-two. I want to grow with you. Please, accept my promise ring, baby."

Sa nanlalabong mga mata ay walang pasubali akong tumango. He stood and put the ring on my finger. I hugged him and buried my face in his neck to hide from the people who are watching. I cried on his body.

"I love you, Dax." I said in a shaky voice.

I feel him tense for a second before his body relaxed again and hugged me back.

This is the first time I said that to him. Alam kong napapansin niya iyon pero never niyang tinanong kung bakit hindi ko iyon sinasabi. Those three words I know that he wants to hear from me but he didn't force me to say.

I didn't know how to say it. People would talk about how it was so easy, you just have to say I love you and that's that. But it wasn't that simple. I didn't grow up in a household where love and affection are beheld. My parents rarely say those words to me; and for someone like me who never had friends who I can tell I love, no, it's not easy.

"Thank you," I mumbled on his neck as the tears keeps on streaming down my cheeks.

I'm glad and thankful that he waited for me to say it back. He didn't demand for it. He waited patiently because he trusts me.

More than attraction, I feel attached to him. He gives me constant warmth of security and comfort. He makes me believe that we can always be together no matter what happens. The feelings I have for him are incomparable to what I had for him months ago. My love for him, right at this moment, is overwhelming and it threatens to consume me because it will mean that I will no longer know how to live without him.

My emotions are heightened. My heart's at peace. And I want nothing but to be with him for the rest of this uncertain life.

"Umuulan!"

I elevated to see the people around us walking towards the exit. Nagsalita ang MC sa harap at sinabing manatili sa loob ng gymnasium pero walang nakinig. Everyone went outside and I suddenly feel this immature rush inside me to run outside and get drenched by the rainfall.

Without a word, I pulled him with me and we started following the others. Naghiyawan ang mga lalaki nang umapak sila sa labas at naligo sa tubig ulan. Nagpatuloy ako sa pagtakbo hawak ang kamay ni Dax, nilalagpasan ang iba, at huminto sa pathway kung saan walang ibang tao kundi kami.

The rain is pouring hard against our faces and bodies and I'm certain that my makeup is ruined now. But I don't care. We don't care.

"Rain on a full moon." He noticed.

I peeked above us to see the pale full moon against the droplets of rain in my vision. Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa lalaking nasa harap ko at naabutan siyang pinapanood ako. His eyes illuminated and gleamed all the same time. He looks like a warrior who just came from a war.

"Ang ganda mo."

"Nasa heaven na 'ata ako." Dagdag niya.

I encircled my arms on his neck and tiptoed to reach his lips but I didn't meet him. He placed his hands on my hips and caressed upwardly until they snaked around me. He lift his left hand on my face and slid his fingers on my neck while caressing my cheek with his thumb as he dip to catch my lips. I closed my eyes tightly and savor the warmth of his touches and the cold rain against us.

"Promise me this is forever." He said in between our kisses.

I opened my mouth and voiced out Promise in return.

I felt him smiling as he glided his tongue inside my mouth. I let out a soft whimper when he tugged my bottom lip.

I never admitted it to myself, but I hated myself. I hated myself for how I was controlled. I hated myself for how I painted people in my life. I hated myself for how I treated everyone around me. I hated myself for how I can't even know the real me. Dax didn't accept me for who I was but he loves me despite my past. He challenged me to become a better version of myself. He challenged me to see myself.

And I'm still evolving. We both are.