Entry 12

"Dad," lumabas sa bibig ko at mabilis na naglakad palapit sa kaniya.

I saw him eyeing the person behind me— Dax. Mas lalong tumindi ang kalabog sa aking puso at ramdam ko ang panlalamig ng buong katawan ko.

What is he doing here? Kinausap niya na naman ba ang president ng University? Or this is his plan since yesterday? O...

Sinumbong ba ako ni kuya Joey? No. Hindi niya iyon magagawa sa'kin.

"Get in." Utos ni Daddy na agad kong sinunod at pumasok sa loob ng sasakyan.

Sumunod si Daddy at hindi na ako nagtangkang lumingon pa upang makita si Dax, my father will notice it kaya naman pasimple akong tumingin sa rearview mirror at nakita si Dax na nanatiling nakatayo sa kung saan ko siya iniwan.

Kinurot ko ang aking mga daliri dahil hindi ko alam kung anong sasabihin kay Daddy. He's not talking but I'm sure that he's assuming something already.

Pinagsalikop ko ang aking mga daliri upang pigilan ang sarili na masaktan pa ang aking kamay. My mom won't like it if she saw my fingers bleeding. Dadagdagan ko lang ang problema ko.

But am I really the problem?

Am I the one who has to always think that I'm the one who's wrong?

Paano kung hindi ako? Paano kung sabihin kong nagsisimula na akong isipin na hindi naman ako ang problema? Na hindi ko kasalanan na lumaki akong ganito?

What if I'm starting to blame my parents now? That it's their fault why I grew up like this. It's their fault why I always feel bad about myself. It's their fault why my life's miserable. Everything is their fault.

Tinanggal ko ang tingin sa harapan at lumingon sa gilid ko. Kailan ako magkakaroon ng lakas ng loob, ng tapang para harapin ang mga magulang ko at sabihin sa kanila na gusto kong magkaroon ng sariling buhay? Na gusto kong kontrolin ang buhay ko. Kailan ko magagawang tumayo para sa sarili ko? Hindi iyong lagi na lang dinidiktahan ang mga ginagawa at kilos ko.

Pumasok ang sasakyan sa malaking gate namin at tinahak ang daan patungo sa mansion. Pinagbuksan kami ng bodyguards at sabay kaming lumabas. Nauna siyang maglakad sa hagdan at tahimik akong sumunod.

He didn't talk to me inside the car but I have a feeling na sa loob niya ako kakausapin. Humigpit ang pagkakakuyom ko sa'king mga kamao at pinilit na pakalmahin ang nagwawala kong puso dahil sa pinaghalong kaba at takot.

"What happened?" Bungad ni Mommy nang makapasok kami sa loob.

Agad na umalis ang kasambahay na pinapagalitan ni Mommy nang pumasok kami at naiwan kaming tatlo sa living room. I remained standing behind my father's back dahil alam kong sa oras na magtama ang mga mata namin ay wala akong kawala. Para akong magiging aso na sunod-sunuran sa kanila sa tuwing nagagalit. They are more like my owners than my parents.

"The talk didn't go well? Ano ba daw ang gusto? Goodness. They really think highly of themselves, aren't they? They are running a state university and not some private schools to demand bigger gifts."

Hindi sumagot si Daddy sa lintaniya ni Mommy. Kumunot ang aking noo sa narinig mula sa magulang. She just confirmed my theory. Naroon si Daddy dahil kinausap na naman niya ang president ng University. I know he always do that since I was first year because he wants to make sure my spot for Latin Honors when I graduate. Pero hanggang ngayon ay hindi ko matanggap na ang liit-liit ng tingin nila sa'kin para pagdudahan ang kakayahan kong makapasok sa honor list.

"What does he wants? A sedan car? Tell him we'll give him that. Makasigurado lang tayo na si Tri ang makakakuha ng pinakamataas na GPA."

And they talk as if I'm not here. Na para bang ayos lang na marinig ko ang mga iyon mula sa kanila. Na para bang pinapamukha nila sa'kin na kailangan ko pang magpasalamat dahil gumagawa sila ng paraan para makapasok pa rin ako sa honor list.

Well, I'm not thankful and most of all, I'm not fine with it. I'm sick and tired of them controlling my life that every time I have a mistake, they are always there to cover up the mess just so I can never appear imperfect in the public's eyes.

I'm so sick of it!

"Akala ko ba hindi mo kilala ang lalaking iyon?" Dad had finally spoken and faced me.

My heartbeat doubled, and triple, and I don't think my heart has been this wild before. The anger in his eyes is evident and how he always looks imposing whenever he's standing in front of me. People don't see this part of him because he hides it inside this house. He always shows the people his smile, his laugh, and fakes his help to look good in their eyes.

But in front of the people who really know him, he's evil. He's always been the bad guy in my story even if he's my father.

"What?" Gulong tanong ni Mommy, hindi naiintindihan ang mga sinasabi ni Daddy.

Lumunok ako at nanatiling nakatayo ng tuwid, hindi sinasagot si Daddy.

"I'm asking you!" Sigaw niya na nag-echo sa buong kabahayan.

I shuddered with that scream that I almost stepped back. Gustong tumakbo ng mga paa ko pero hindi ko magawa. Gusto kong takpan ang mga tainga ko dahil sa malakas na sigaw na iyon pero hindi ko ginawa. He's scary... I've never seen him this angry.

Pero hindi pa rin ako sumagot. How can I actually talk when he's scaring me?

"You're dating a guy not at your level the reason why you fail your exams, that's it." He spoke with certainty.

I gritted my teeth and looked at him. I can feel the mist on the verge of my eyes and I know my mother won't like it if she sees me crying.

But who cares?! I don't care! I don't care if she sees me in tears! I don't fucking care!

"W-What?!" Gulat at naguguluhang untag ni Mommy at naglakad palapit kay Daddy.

"What are you saying? What is this all about? What dating? Who are you dating?" She faced me with the last question.

"You're seeing someone?" Namuo na rin ang galit sa mukha ni Mommy para sa'kin. "Are you out of your mind?!"

"He's my friend." I tried to make my voice stable.

"Kaibigan? Lalaki ang kaibigan mo? Out of all people you can be friends with, naroon ang anak ng mga Alvarez, ng mga Manalo, pati ang pamangkin ng mga Trinidad pero pinili mong makipagkaibigan sa hamak na 'yon?! Anak lang 'yon ng barangay captain!"

Ramdam ko ang unti-unting pamumuo ng luha sa'king mga mata dahil nagsisimula na silang lumabo sa'king paningin pero mas nanaig ang galit ko para sa kanila. How can they do that? Fake their personality in front of the people and talk shits behind them? Bakit ang taas-taas ng tingin nila sa sarili nila?

Ano ngayon kung kapitan ang tatay ni Dax? 'Di hamak na mas mabuting tao ang tatay niya kaysa sa'yo! I want to scream that to him but I can't make myself speak. Ang barado sa'king lalamunan ay mas lalong lumalaki.

"Jesus! Iyon ba ang pumunta dito sa mansion? Ang panganay na anak ni Kap?" Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Mommy, hindi makapaniwala.

Lumapit siya sa'kin pero umatras ako. I saw how the anger in her eyes doubled for what I did.

"You're dating that trash?" She hissed disgustingly.

"He's not trash! And I'm not dating him! He's my friend!" Sigaw kong sagot.

Mas lalong namilog ang mga mata ni Mommy at nakita ko rin ang gulantang sa mga mata ni Daddy nang sumigaw ako. For my entire life, they never saw me scream. Higit sa lahat ay hindi nila ako nakitang ganito kagalit.

I always behave prim and proper, speak softly, think smartly, and I always obey them. But not this time. Not when I finally realized how controlling they are for me. Not when I finally understood what I am capable of.

Because this time, I will stand for myself. I won't nod my head to whatever they say. Dax made me realize that I have my choices and I can always decide for myself. And that's exactly what I'm going to do. I'll be my own person from now on.

"You're screaming at me?" Mom spoke with gritted teeth and walks toward me.

Hinawakan niya ako sa magkabila kong braso at kahit nasasaktan ako ay hindi ko iyon pinakita sa kaniya. The physical pain is no compare to what I'm feeling inside. I'm enraged and I will underestimate myself if I will say I can't return what they are doing to me. Because I know I can hurt them, too.

"When did you learn to disobey me?" She hissed angrily at mas lalo pang hinigpitan ang hawak sa mga braso ko.

"And what's that look, huh?! You're angry at me?"

"That boy is feeding you with this, isn't he? He's making you believe that what we're doing isn't right. He's making you believe that we're no good to our own child. He's making you believe that you're doing well enough when you're not."

I shot a glance at my father behind Mom and he's staring unemotionally at me, walang pakialam kung sinasaktan na ako ng sarili kong magulang.

"That boy crashed into the campus' radio station to announce to the whole campus that he's proud of you and that you did well."

My eyes widened in shock. How did he know that? The president told him what happened earlier this morning?

"Trishastrea, you're vulnerable and rich. Maybe you're not that smart enough because you don't understand it. He's just manipulating you. Iniisip niya na pwede ka niyang mapikot dahil gusto niya lang makatikim ng magiging mana mo."

Dahil sa sinabing iyon ni Daddy ay nagawa kong hawiin ang mga kamay ni Mommy sa braso ko. Umamba siyang sisinghalan ako pero umatras ako at sinagot sila.

"I know Dax and he's not like you! Stop calling people the way you see yourself, you hypocrite!" I yell with no filter.

"Trishastrea!" Sigaw sa'kin ni Mommy.

Tuluyan nang bumagsak ang mga luha ko dahil sa pinaghalo-halong emosyon. They can think low about me all they want but I will never let them talk that way about him.

"What?" I mocked them. "You think I'm blind? You think I'm stupid? You think you can just always make your way to me? Sa sobrang liit ng tingin n'yo sa'kin, hindi n'yo inisip na baka iba na ang tingin ko sa inyo! You were never good parents to me!"

"Stop your nonsense, Trishastrea!" Mom shouted back.

"Look at what he's making you do. You're not like that. I raise you, feed you, dress you, and give you everything! At sasabihin mong hindi kami naging mabuting mga magulang sa'yo?! Call that bastard and ask him if he ever received expensive gifts from his parents! I bet not because they can't afford. And that," he paused and walks towards me with eyes of a monster.

"That is not good. They are not the good parents dahil hindi nila mabigay ang kailangan ng mga anak nila. So, stop speaking words like you know damn well what that mean."

Umatras ako ng umatras hanggang sa tumama ang likod ko sa barandilya ng hagdanan. Tumigil ako at tinapangan ang sarili na harapin ang galit kong magulang.

No. He's wrong.

"You're wrong."

Huminto siya sa tabi ni Mommy at nagkasalubong ang mga kilay sa sagot ko.

"You're wrong. You're wrong!" Sigaw ko.

"Hindi lahat ng tao ay katulad mo. Dax's family values bond more than material things! You think low of them because you're greedy! You think they are not good parents because you think you can have the best daughter by throwing expensive gifts at your child but you're wrong! Because I rather have them as my parents than grow up feeling more like a puppet than a daughter to you!"

Pinalis ko ang aking mga luha at pilit na pinapakalma ang nagtataas-baba kong dibdib dahil sa hindi normal na pagdaloy ng hangin sa aking baga pero hindi ko magawa.

"You made me look like the bad guy in front of the public's eyes because you all want the praises centered on you! Mom made me believe that I don't need friends because I am loved by everyone. But I'm tired and sick of hearing that from you!" I shot a look at my mother who remains staring at me angrily as I am.

"Because the truth is I'm not loved by everyone. They are scared of me and I don't like it! Sa lahat ng taong takot akong lapitan at kilalanin, si Dax lang ang sumubok na makita ako! He talks to me no matter how many times I push him away and no matter how many times I bluntly showed him I'm not interested in acknowledging his presence! He's not like you!"

I can only feel that I'm worthy and I'm doing better whenever I'm with him. I'm only alive whenever he's around me. More than smile and laugh, he makes my heart happy. And if I'm going to choose right now... I'll choose him over them. I can't let them take that happiness away from me now that I found it in him.

Hindi na sila nagsalita pa dahilan upang mabalot sa katahimikan ang buong kabahayan. I, for a second, thought they finally understand me but I was wrong.

"You're finally done?" Mom said sarcastically.

I glare at her.

"Look at yourself, you're a mess. Crying? Seriously, honey? What did I tell you about crying-"

"I can cry whenever I want! I'm not like you!" Singhal ko at tinalikuran sila.

Muntik pa akong madapa nang tumama ako sa barandilya pero nagpatuloy ako sa pagtakbo paakyat ng hagdanan.

"Trishastrea! You rebellious son of a bitch!" Dinig kong tawag sa'kin ni Mommy pero nabibingi na ako sa sariling mga hikbi.

Sumalubong sa'kin si nanay sa hamba ng pintuan ng kwarto ko pero nilagpasan ko siya. Pumasok ako sa loob ng kwarto at dumiretso sa closet ko upang makuha ang aking mga gamit.

"Tri, anak, anong ginagawa mo?" Natataranta at kinakabahang tanong ni nanay nang lumabas ako.

Pinalis ko ang aking mga luha at tinignan siya sa mga mata.

"I'm sorry, 'nay. Pero ayoko na dito." Nanghihina na ang mga tuhod ko at gusto ko nang bumigay pero hindi ko iyon gagawin ngayon.

"Dios ko! Hija, 'wag mong sasabihing nagbabalak kang lumayas-"

Hindi ko siya pinatapos at nilagpasan siya.

"Tri, huwag kang padalos-dalos. Kausapin mo ako at baka maayos pa natin-"

I glanced back at her at the hallway as I shook my head.

"If they don't try to hear me, or more, to understand me, things will never be fixed." I said and walk downstairs.

Nang makita ako ni Mommy at ang mga dala ko ay umahon siya mula sa pagkakaupo sa sofa at sinugod ako upang pigilan pero hinarang siya ni Daddy.

"Are you out of your mind?!" Mom is screaming hysterically behind Dad.

Tumigil ako sa harap nila at matapang na tinignan sila sa mga mata. Dad, just like a while ago, is still expressionless.

"I'll leave." Tangi kong sinabi.

Dad smirks to ridicule me. "And where do you think you're going?"

"I'll rent an apartment." Mabilis kong sagot.

Dad's harsh bark of laughter enveloped the whole room. Isang halakhak na walang halong tuwa. He laughs as if I'm joking and he finds it ridiculous.

"What will you do? Live alone? Independently? You're impossible, Tri. You're just a girl!" Sumeryoso siya nang sabihin ang mga iyon.

"Trishastrea." May banta sa boses ni Mommy nang banggitin ang pangalan ko.

My chest heaved as the suppression of anger I tried to calm just a while ago is starting to get wild again. I know that he's proud, evil, and a hypocrite. I've heard him a lot of times doubting my own capabilities in particular things, but the fact that it all came from my own father, I'm more disappointed that he is my father than I am her daughter.

"I'm not just girl." Kalmado pero may diin kong sagot.

It's frustrating how most men still think they are superior to women— that being a female means that we're only limited to doing things approved by them. I hate it! Women are not weak as portrayed in the words of the men. Women are not a producer of offspring! Women don't bid to men! Women have minds... souls... hearts... we have a fair part in this world. And if he thinks that being a female means I can never stand on my own, he's wrong. Their excessive doubt of me leads them on having no idea what kind of daughter they are raising.

"I am more than what you think I am capable of doing, Dad."

"Yeah? And why are you even telling this to us? Iniisip mo na papayagan ka namin-"

"Because you're still my parents." Kahit labag sa loob ko. "I'm just consulting but even if you don't permit, I won't back down. I'm at legal age and I can live without your guidance."

Hindi ko na sila pinakinggan pa ulit at mabilis na tumalikod upang dumiretso sa pintuan. Galit na sumigaw si Mommy pero nagtatakbo ako. Alam kong hindi ako papayagang gamitin ang sasakyan kahit nakita ko si kuya Joey kaya tinakbo ko ang distansiya ng mansion at ng gate habang nanlalabo ang aking mga mata at tuluyan nang bumagsak ang mga luha ko.

I had packed some of my stuff a week ago because I've been planning to ask my parents if I could rent an apartment near the school or I'll stay at the dorm even though I know for sure they will never permit it. That's the reason why when I went to my room with blurry vision, I pulled out two large travel bags and my school bag and another duffel bag. It looks heavy to carry it all by just myself but I did. I have to.

I can hear nanay's voice from afar, her pleas to stop me, but I keep running.

I know my mom would do anything to stop me, but my father, based on the look he's giving me a while ago, I'm sure he won't try to stop me. He's probably thinking that I'll return minutes from now because he thinks I have nowhere to go and I can't live alone and with all these shits. In his mind, I'm just impulsive and rebellious like a typical spoiled brat daughter. But he's wrong. They are wrong. I can live without them.

I don't know how long I took before I reached the gate. And I'm right that Dad will not stop me dahil pinagbuksan ako ng guard namin. I went out and searched for a ride. Nang may makita akong nakaparadang mga tricycle malayo sa gate ay dumiretso ako doon.

Pumasok ako sa loob ng tricycle pero wala akong nasagot nang tanungin ako kung saan ako pupunta. And they didn't recognize me, I guess dahil magulo ang buhok ko at namamaga ang mga mata ko. At sa dami ng dala ko ay iniisip siguro nila na galing lang ako kung saan.

"Ma'am saan ko po kayo ihahatid?"

Natulala ako dahil hindi ko alam kung saan ako pupunta.

Nag-echo ang mga sinabi sa'kin ni Daddy. No. I'll have somewhere to go.

"Wait lang po." Nanginginig ang labi kong pakiusap sa driver.

I opened my phone and finally accepted Dax's message request. Thankfully, he's online. I typed a message to him while my vision is still blurry.

Trishastrea Yael Delavin:

Where are you?

Nakita kong agad niya akong sineen at nagtype dahil gumagalaw ang tatlong tuldok.

Donato Axton Sernio:

Bahay na.

Then he sent another message.

Donato Axton Sernio:

Miss mo na 'ko agad?

Teka 'di ako makapaniwala na inaccept mo na message request ko. Kurutin ko muna pisngi ko baka nananaginip ako.

Hindi. Totoo 'to.

Hi.

Tinitigan ko ang mga message niya. He's happy.

Should I tell him that I ran away from home?

I bit my lower lip to suppress a sob.

Trishastrea Yael Delavin:

I left home.

Mabilis ulit siyang nagtipa.

Donato Axton Sernio:

What? Left home? Sa'n punta mo?

Pumikit ako ng mariin bago nagtipa ulit.

Trishastrea Yael Delavin:

I ran away.

Then my phone rang when he called. I answered it.

"Where are you?" He asked worriedly.

"I-I'm inside a tricycle. I don't know where to go." I cried miserably.

Finally hearing someone who understands and cares for me, I kind of feel relief. Humigpit ang hawak ko sa strap ng aking bag habang humihikbi. I heard him curse under his breath and I can tell he was panicking. I cried harder.

"Okay. Listen to me. Tell the driver to stop in front of the elementary school. I'll be there the moment you arrived. Don't hang up on me."

Sinunod ko siya at sinabi sa driver ang sinabi ni Dax. I can hear on the other line that he's starting an engine of a car.

"Tri? Don't hang up the phone."

Tumango ako kahit hindi niya ako nakikita. Yumuko ako at tinignan ang nanginginig kong mga daliri. I won't hang up. His voice is the only thing that makes me feel safe.

I've been through a lot in my life that I never noticed that I was in pain— that I was actually suffering. It became like a normal feeling to me that I don't recognize whether the pain should actually matter because my parents raised me to become resilient. In a way I feel like I don't have any emotion and personality at all. I grew up believing that pain is not something I must feel. To cry is a sin. Other people find pain as something they should deal with every day, but my parents taught me that I shouldn't. That I need to ignore it because it's absurd. Until this day came and I realized how distressed I was.

Maybe... maybe the pain is not something we're always aware of. Maybe pain is, most of the time, present but neither felt nor seen. It's like a ghost trying to follow us wherever we go yet we're not aware of its presence. And it will slowly get into us until we're scared and have no strength anymore to fight. Pain is something we will never wish to experience, but... it makes me feel normal. Now that I'm aware of my emotions, I feel like I'm finally alive.

"Men at some time are masters of their fates: The fault, dear Brutus, is not in our stars, but in ourselves, that we are underlings."

I remembered that line from one of Shakespeare's books. I'll control my own destiny. They will not dictate my future— my life. I will decide for myself. I will no longer believe that I was only born to live on their biddings. I was born because I'm meant to go to places I will find myself— to seek the purpose that lies in the deepest of my heart. I will be the person I am meant to become.

Huminto ang tricycle kaya nag-angat ako ng tingin. I'm here. Nagbayad ako at hindi na kinuha ang sukli dahil nagmamadali na akong lumabas.

"I'm here." Dax said on the other line.

Luminga-linga ako at nakita si Dax na lumabas ng pick up. He ran towards me and welcomed me with an embrace. Mas dumami ang buhos ng aking luha nang maramdaman siya. I hid my face on his chest and cried freely because I know he won't judge me by it. He don't mind if I cry.

Hinaplos niya ang aking buhok at naramdaman ko ang paglapat ng labi niya sa tuktok ng aking ulo. Dad's wrong. I have somewhere to go.