Entry 08

"Ladies first,"

Tinitigan ko ang mga tao sa loob ng jeep. May dalawang babaeng may edad na ang nag-uusap, isang estudyante na nasa dulo at nakatutok ang mga mata sa cellphone. There are three other guys near the entrance of the jeep, siguro'y kapwa mga estranghero sa isa't-isa dahil abala sila sa sari-sarili nilang ginagawa.

Ramdam ko ang paninikip ng aking dibdib dahil sa kabang nagsisimulang umahon. After I told Dax that I want to go where normal life is, he pulled me with him here- sa terminal ng mga jeep. Wala akong ideya kung saan kami pupunta pero nagtitiwala ako sa kaniya.

Huminga ako ng malalim at lumunok bago ako nagpasyang umakyat papasok sa loob ng jeep. Hindi pa ako sigurado kung saan ako uupo kaya nagpapalit-palit ang tingin ko sa mga bakanteng upuan.

"Dito, Tri."

A warm rough hand covered my wrist as I looked behind me and saw Dax sitting already. Nagpadala ako sa kaniyang marahang hila at umupo sa tabi niya. Akala ko at gagaan na nang tuluyan ang pakiramdam ko pagkatapos kong umupo pero nagkamali ako. Mas lalo lamang lumala ang kaba sa'king dibdib nang magsimulang dumami ang mga pasaherong pumapasok sa loob. May isang babae na tumabi sa'kin kahit masikip na ang upuan dahilan upang mawalan ako ng ibang choice kundi dumikit kay Dax.

It's hot. Gamit ang aking kanang kamay ay pinaypayan ko ang aking sarili. Sa pinaghalong nerbyos at init ay hindi ko alam kung matutuwa ba ako sa sitwasyon ko ngayon.

My eyes widened when I met the eyes of the man in front of me. He's looking at me like he's trying to remember me. Iniwas ko ang tingin sa harap ko at wala sa sariling binalingan si Dax. I lifted my eyes to his and found him watching over me. Eyes darker than usual and lips in a grim line, I think I will never get used to him this way. He always smiles.

Para bang nababasa niya ang nasa isip ko ay biglang sumilay ang ngiti sa kaniyang mga labi. His eyes fell and I don't know why I followed it. Bumagsak din ang tingin ko at nakita ang kamay niyang nakalahad sa'kin. Kumunot ang aking noo. Ibinalik ko ang aking tingin sa kaniyang mukha. He nodded at me.

"Huh?" I asked, puzzled.

Bumagsak ulit ang tingin ko sa kaniyang kamay na nakalahad pa rin sa'kin. Namilog ang aking mga mata nang may ideyang pumasok sa isip ko. Hindi siya sumasagot kaya naman hindi ako sigurado kung tama ba ang nasa isip ko o mali.

Marahan kong inangat ang aking kamay at tinanggap ang kaniya. My fingers slid on the spaces between his fingers, making ours intertwined. All the heat and the anxiety I'm feeling disappeared as soon as my hand held his. And I'm relieved because of that.

Bumagsak ang dalawa kong balikat at ipagpapahinga ko sana ang aking likod sa sandalan nang maramdamang braso iyon ni Dax. I sat straight and tried not to touch his shoulder. Kahit pa magkahawak kamay na kaming dalawa.

"Huwag mong bibitawan ang kamay ko, baka mawala ka." He said casually, not in a teasing tone but he don't sound serious either.

I bit my lower lip and nodded. I looked at our intertwined fingers and noticed how different our hands are. My hand looks so small covered by his. My soft ivory fingers strangely contact with his calloused, long, and big tanned hand. Somehow, it feels right— to be held by someone who feels like can protect me.

"I know you're a big girl now pero first time mo kasi-"

My thoughts halted when he started talking again. I lifted my eyes to give him sharp stares. He instantly shut his mouth and wasn't able to finish his words.

Kinamot niya ang kaniyang batok at nag-iwas ng tingin sa'kin. "Sabi ko nga 'di na ako magsasalita."

And I don't know why I find him funny. Not that I like him being threatened by me or what, but he's the only person who can act naturally in front of me. My classmates, every people I met who knows me, they treat me like I needed to be respected. They have to control their words, distance themselves, and they can't make themselves laugh or joke in front of me because they fear that I might get mad. And I thought I had already gotten used to that... not until Dax made his way to my world and I realized how I wanted to be friends with them, to laugh and joke with them.

I stare at our hands. If I'm going to be logical, I know it's impossible. I may be rebelling right now, pero hanggang kailan ko kayang panindigan ang mga ginagawa ko? At the end of the day, I will still go home to my parents and nod to their biddings.

"Para po, Kuya! Diyan lang sa may kanto!"

Nag-angat ako ng ulo at sinulyapan ang driver sa harapan. Hininto niya ang sinasakyan naming jeep sa kantong sinabi ni Dax at mabilis na bumaba si Dax, hawak pa rin ang kamay ko. Nang makababa kami ay pinanood ko kung paano mabilis na nawala ang jeep sa highway.

"Tara do'n!"

Inalis ko ang tingin sa kalsada at ibinaling na ang atensiyon kung nasaan kami. Kumunot ang aking noo dahil hindi ako pamilyar sa lugar na ito.

"Where are we?" Tanong ko sa kaniya habang naglalakad kami.

Tumawid kami sa kabilang kalsada at marahan niya akong inilipat sa kabila niyang side, malayo sa guhit ng kalsada.

"Hindi naman tayo malayo sa campus. Pwede ngang lakarin lang natin pero," he shrugged.

Mas lalong kumunot ang aking noo. Hindi ko siya maintindihan. Pero napansin ko ring wala pang halos dalawang minuto kaming nakaupo sa loob ng jeep nang makarating kami dito.

"Pero?"

He glanced at me, naniningkit ang kaniyang mga mata dahil sa mataas na sikat ng araw na tumatama sa nilalakaran namin.

"Pepero." He said seriously.

"Pepero?" Gulo kong tanong. "Nasa Pepero tayo?"

I never heard that place before. Sabagay hindi naman ako ganoon kapamilyar sa mga barangay dito sa Indang. I nodded at my own thoughts and resume my walk. Natigil lang ako nang mapansin kong hindi sumasabay sa'kin si Dax.

"What!" I didn't want to sound annoyed but who wouldn't be annoyed when you found the person you're with laughing at you.

Oo, tinatawanan niya ako.

Humawak siya sa kaniyang tiyan at sinapo ang kaniyang noo habang humahagalpak siya sa pagtawa. Kung papanoorin mo siyang mabuti ay tila ba ano mang oras ay mawawalan siya ng hangin sa katawan.

"Seriously, Dax!" Inis ko nang usal at nagmartsa pabalik sa harap niya.

"W-Wait," hindi niya matuwid-tuwid ang sinasabi dahil tumatawa pa rin siya.

I saw tears on the edge of his eyes and I don't still understand why he's laughing.

"Quit laughing!" My voice raised a little, just enough for him to finally stop.

Kinusot niya ang kaniyang mga mata at kinagat ang pang-ibabang labi upang pigilan ang sarili sa pagtawa. Matalim ko siyang tinitigan hanggang sa tuluyan na siyang sumeryoso.

"Now, what?" I crossed my arms on my chest. "Why are you laughing?"

I gritted my teeth. Why I'm even asking? Dapat ay inignora ko na lang siya, ganoon naman lagi ang ginagawa ko. But something's starting to change...

"Bakit mo inisip na Pepero ang pangalan ng lugar na 'to?" Aniya, nakita kong tatawa sana siya ulit pero tinikom niya ang bibig.

"Sinabi mo."

He gave me a faint smile. "You've been with yourself alone for a long time that you don't know how to joke around."

That caught me off guard. I'm not offended because that's the truth, however, I'm still surprised whenever he opens up about this kind of topic.

"Was that supposed to be a joke?" I'm utterly curious.

"Yeah. Kaso hindi ka tumawa kaya siguro hindi na siya consider na joke." Nagkibit balikat siya.

I looked into his eyes. How much my reaction does affect him? If it's a joke, it should remain a joke whether I laugh at it or not. Pero para sa kaniya, kaya niya baguhin ang depinisyon ng isang bagay para sa'kin.

Or maybe, I'm just thinking too much about it.

Iniwas ko ang mga mata sa kaniya at iginala ang paningin sa paligid. Doon ko lang natanto na masyadong maraming tao sa lugar na ito. Sa isang gilid ay puno ng mga hile-hilerang nagtitinda ng mga street foods.

"What are we doing here?" Tanong ko, binabago ang usapan namin kanina.

Tumabi siya sa'kin at niyuko ako. "Making your wish come true."

He grabbed my wrist again and we walked together towards the street food stalls. Hindi ako madalas nakakaamoy ng mga street food kaya nang pumasok sa ilong ko ang amoy ng mga lutong pagkain ay hindi ko napigilang magutom. I don't usually eat much at the morning dahil kasabay ko lagi sina Mommy.

"Eat whatever you want. My treat." He declared that made me look at him again.

"I have money-"

Hindi ko natapos ang sasabihin ko nang madrama niyang nilagay ang palad sa kaniyang dibdib at umaktong parang nasasaktan.

"Ouch. Alam ko namang mayaman ka, binibini, pero hayaan mo akong gumastos para sa'yo." Parang tanga niyang saad.

I only look at him unemotionally. "Whatever."

Tumayo siya ng tuwid at malapad na ngumisi. He's really like a kid. Kung hindi ko siya kilala ay iisipin kong katulad siya ng iba kong kaklaseng lalaki. The typical boys in college: smug, pa-cool, playboy. But he's not like that. He's funny, nonsensical, and... well, he doesn't seem to be a playboy. I've never seen him with any other girls. And he told me before that he has a crush on me.

"Gusto mo ng pritong isaw?"

Tinignan ko ang nasa harap namin. Pamilyar ako sa mga Filipino street food dahil lagi ko iyong nakikita sa youtube at minsan na kaming naggawa ng research tungkol doon pero hanggang ngayon ay hindi pa ako nakakatikim miski isa.

"I can't eat that. Mom told me those are dirty." Lumabas sa bibig ko kahit natatakam akong tumikim ng isa habang pinapanood ang mga pinipritong isaw sa kumukulong kawali.

"Anong marumi? Buong buhay ko lagi akong kumakain nito hindi pa naman ako namamatay!"

Halos marindi ang tainga ko sa lakas ng boses niya. Pero dahil marami namang tao at sasakyan sa paligid ay walang ibang nakarinig no'n kundi ako.

"Okay." Pagbabago niya ng isip. "Pritong atay na lang."

My eyes went wide. "Pritong atay? Is that even possible?" Hindi 'ko makapaniwalang tanong.

He looked at me in complete question. "Are you serious?" I think we're sharing the same expression now.

"Why you're giving me that look? Hindi ko naman kasalanan na hindi ako pinapayagan nila Mommy na kumain ng ganito." I roll my eyes at him.

"Nagbibiro lang ako, syempre alam kong hindi ka pamilyar sa pritong atay." Aniya at lumapit sa nagtitinda.

"Kaya kakain ka ngayon." He winks at me.

I didn't react. Kung sasabihin ko ulit na marumi iyon ay parang sinabi ko na ring ayaw kong subukan. I clenched both of my fists and squared my shoulder.

Okay, Tri, we will do it.

Tumabi ako sa kaniya at binigay niya sa'kin ang isang stick na may tusok nang pritong atay. He gets a hold of my wrist and guided it towards the sauces, I guess?

"Sinasawsaw 'yan sa suka para may lasa." His breathe almost sent shiver to my spine when I felt it near my neck.

Sinawsaw ko iyon sa suka at tinitigan muna bago tikman. Would it be sinful if I say that this is the most delicious food I ever tasted?

"Ano? Masarap?" Dax asked beside me.

Tatlong kagat at nguya ang ginawa ko sa isang atay na iyon bago ko naubos. I nodded at him.

"Can I get another one?" Tanong ko, nakatingin sa iba pang mga tinitinda.

"Syempre naman! Try mo 'to." Tumusok siya ng isang parang onion rings, but I bet it's not onion rings.

"Calamares." Aniya.

"Oh! I know that one!" Excited kong sabi dahil nakakatikim naman ako ng calamares na luto ng chef sa mansion.

Tumusok rin ako ng isang calamares.

"Pritong isaw," Dax handed me one stick of fried isaw.

Tinanggap ko iyon at nilantakan. Masarap nga! Noon pa man ay iniisip ko na talagang masarap ang mga pagkaing ganito pero hindi ko lang magawang makatikim dahil nga sinasabi ni Mommy na marumi. But I don't want to think about her words right now, I want to enjoy eating these foods.

Hindi ko alam kung ilan ang nakain namin ni Dax sa stall na iyon pero nang sabihin ng tindera na isang daan lahat ay medyo na-guilty ako.

"Lugaw tayo." Suhestiyon niya habang naglalakad kami at binilhan niya ako ng palamig.

I was sipping on the straw of my gulaman juice when I saw a fish ball vendor. Kumpara sa mga nakatayong stall sa gilid, ang nakita ko ay sakay ng parang isang motor.

I pulled the hem of Dax's polo sleeve to get his attention. Tinuro ko sa kaniya ang matandang lalaki na nagtitinda ng fish ball.

"Let's try that." Sabi ko.

Tumango siya at tinapon ang iniinom niya sa isang basurahan. Tinignan ko iyon at hindi makapaniwalang mabilis niyang naubos ang gulaman.

"Ang bilis mong uminom."

He only grins at me and bought me a cup of fish ball and kwek-kwek.

"Nanay made me these once." Tukoy ko sa mga kwek-kwek at sinimulang kainin 'yon.

Busog na busog ako pagkatapos namin kumain pero si Dax ay pinilit pa rin akong samahan siyang kumain ng lugaw.

"Nagbago na isip ko. Pares na lang. Have you tried it before?" Binalingan niya ako habang naghihintay ang tindera sa order niya.

Umiling ako.

"Then, we'll get two of it."

"Busog na 'ko." Amin ko.

Hindi niya ako pinansin at sinabi pa ring dalawa ang order niya ng pares. When he looked at me, he almost jumped out of his own seat when he saw my death stares at him.

"I said I'm full."

"Magugutom ka ulit kapag naamoy mo na ang pares." He sounds so sure about it.

"I just noticed," I paused and stare at the door, kita ko ang mga nangyayari sa labas. Everyone's busy with their own lives.

"Noticed?"

"Lagi mo akong dinadalhan ng pagkain. Sinasama sa mga kainan." I uttered and glanced at him.

"Napansin mo pala?" His eyes smiled when he laughed.

How can he always laugh? What does the world look like through his eyes? Bakit parang lagi siyang... masaya?

"Ang totoo kasi... bukod sa pagkain, hindi ko na alam kung ano pang kaya kong ibigay sa'yo." He scratched his nape again, I think it's his mannerism.

Pumungay ang mga mata ko at pinagmasdan kung paano nawala ang ngiti sa labi niya at kahit moreno siya, pansin pa rin ang pamumula ng kaniyang pisngi. What is that?

"Thank you." I'm serious and sincere with that.

My relatives, my parents, and my parent's friends, they always give me expensive things. But those are incomparable with what Dax made me experience. He gave me food because he cares for me, he always insists to eat lunch with me because he wants it. He does those things because he wants to, not because he's forced nor because he feels like it's an obligation.

He looked at me, the hair on his forehead slightly fell as he is currently bending down his head. We stared at each other- me waiting for his response, him? I don't know.

"Dalawang order ng pares!"

Halos mapatalon ako sa gulat nang may nagsalita sa gilid ko. Binaba ng babae ang isang tray at nilagay sa lamesa namin ang dalawang bowl ng pares. And he's right, I instantly gets hungry again with its aroma.

"Busog!" He tapped his stomach right after we went out of the Paresan House.

"Ikaw ba?"

Tumango ako at ngumiti.

"Gusto mo na bumalik sa campus o..."

Nawala ang atensiyon ko sa pakikinig sa kaniya nang may makita akong isang grupo ng mga bata malapit sa 7/11. My eyes slowly went wide when I realized that those are my kids. Bakit sila nandito? Masyadong malayo ang lugar namin patungo rito.

"Tri?"

I watched them as they all stood synchronously when someone passes by them. Nilahad nila ang kanilang mga kamay at nakakaawang nanlilimos. Ang kasiyahang nararamdaman ko ay mabilis na naglaho nang matanto kong ganito lagi ang kanilang sitwasyon.

"Sinong tinititigan mo? May nakikita ka bang hindi ko nakikita?"

Walang salita akong naglakad patungo kung nasaan ang mga bata at naramdaman ko namang sumunod sa'kin si Dax, alam kong naguguluhan siya sa kinikilos ko pero hindi ko na magawang isipin pa iyon. I just want to make sure that these kids will have food in their stomach before I return to school.

"Teacher Tri!"

And with that, smile automatically appeared in my lips. Malungkot akong makita ang sitwasyon nila pero nagagalak ang puso ko sa tuwing nakakasama sila. Kahit saglit lang.

"Si Teacher Tri!"

Nabo was the first one to notice me which made the other kids look to their left and found me. Mabilis silang nagtakbuhan palapit sa'kin at nagtagpo kami sa gitna. I opened my arms wide to accept their hugs.

God, I missed them.

"Bakit po kayo nandito?!" Angge, the eight year old girl, beamed that.

Sabay-sabay silang humiwalay sa'kin at pinalibutan ako. I looked at each one of them.

"Malapit lang ang school ko dito. Kayo dapat ang tinatanong ko. Ang layo nito sa mansion!"

Kisa, the youngest, grins at me. I pinched her cheek softly and looked at Nabo, the eldest of all them. Ngumuso siya at napansin kong palipat-lipat ang tingin niya sa'kin at sa likod ko. Lumingon ako at naabutan si Dax sa likod ko, nakatayo at tahimik akong pinapanood.

Umahon ang kaba sa dibdib ko dahil hindi ako agad nag-isip. No one knows that I know these kids. Paano kung makarating sa mga magulang ko ang ginawa ko ngayon? Will he... say it?

"I-I know these kids. Please don't say a word to anyone about this." Pakiusap ko sa kaniya.

His eyes traveled down to my face and he looked puzzled for a second before he nodded.

"I won't talk about it." Seryoso niyang sagot. "Promise."

Nakahinga ako ng maluwag dahil doon. Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa mga bata at naabutan silang inaabangan akong balingan sila ulit.

"Bakit nga kayo nandito-"

"Sino po siya, Teacher Tri?" Putol ni Nabo sa sasabihin ko dapat.

Napangiwi ako pero agad akong umayos ng pagkakatayo. I don't know how I will introduce him to these kids. Paano kung ayaw niya? Baka nandidiri siya sa kanila? Mabait siya sa'kin pero hindi ko naman inaasahan na magiging mabait rin siya sa iba. But I remembered that he helped these kids once, too. Noong nagsimba kami, I saw him with his family giving foods to them.

"Dax," he spoke behind me that rapidly dismissing all the thoughts running in my head.

I looked at him over my shoulder and watched him as he made his way beside me to face the kids. He's smiling, genuinely, like he always does in front of me.

"Dax ang pangalan ko." Pakilala niya at inisa-isang tignan ang mga bata.

"Ako po si Nabo!"

"K-K-Kisa... pangalan!" Kisa hardly even pronounced those words and it made me smile.

"Ako po si Angge! Ito si-"

"Ako po si Lera!"

"Pangalan ko ay Jordan! Ito si Kenneth, kaibigan ko!"

"Friends!" Kisa shouted cutely.

Lumapit siya sa'kin at hinawakan ako sa'king binti. "Titer Tay, t-turo akin."

I nodded as a small laugh came out of my mouth. I remembered telling her the English term of 'kaibigan.'

"Ilang taon ka na? Galing mo mag-english, ah!" Dax squatted to level his eyes to Kisa.

Kinurot niya ang pisngi nito na nagpangiti kay Kisa. Pinakita niya ang maliliit niyang daliri.

"Gan'to!" Nilapit niya pa ang mga daliri niya sa mukha ni Dax.

Inilayo siya ni Nabo. "Ay, Kisa, sabing 'wag ilalapit ang kamay sa mukha ng ibang tao!" Paalala nito.

"It's okay." Dax said. "Anim na taon ka na?"

Maligayang tumango si Kisa.

"Ako po ay sampung taong gulang!" Confident na sabi ni Nabo at hinawi ang humahaba niya ng buhok.

"Oh? Pwede nang maglaro ng basketball!"

Ngumiwi si Nabo sa sinabing iyon ni Dax. Napansin iyon ni Dax kaya lumingon siya sa'kin.

"Ayoko ng basketball." Sambit ni Nabo.

Dax returned his gaze to him. He nodded. "I understand."

"Kumain na ba kayo?" Tanong ko dahil baka humaba pa ang usapan at makalimutan ko ang tunay kong sadya sa kanila.

Kenneth looked at me. "Hindi pa po, Teacher Tri. Kanina pa nga po kami nagugutom kaso walang nagbibigay sa'min."

"Bibili ako-"

Pinigilan ko si Dax. "'Wag!"

Natigilan siya sa pag-amba niyang pag-alis at kunot noo akong binalingan.

"Ako na ang bibili para sa kanila. These kids are not strangers to me. They are like..." I trailed off.

They are like a family to me. A home. Pero hindi ko iyon pwedeng sabihin sa kaniya. He will think I'm very lonely to seek a family with these kids when I obviously have one.

"I know, Tri." He said those words like he completely understands me.

"Ako na ang bibili ng pagkain nila para makausap mo sila. Hindi araw-araw na nakikita mo sila."

My heart warms at what he said. He's...

I bit my lower lip and finally agreed to him. Ngumiti siya sa'kin bago nagpaalam sa mga bata upang bumili ng mga pagkain. Ibinalik ko ang atensiyon sa kanila.

"Malayo po talaga ang nararating namin, Teacher Tri. May mga jeep na nagpapasakay sa'min minsan. Pero madalas pa rin naman po kami sa labas ng hacienda." Sagot ni Nabo sa kanina ko pang tanong.

Hindi pa rin ako lubos na makapaniwalang malayo ang nararating nilang mga lugar. Paano kung isang araw ay hindi sila makabalik? Sa'n ko sila hahanapin?

"Hoy, bading! May naipon na kami, kayo wala pa!"

I looked at the group of another three kids, lahat ay mga lalaki. May hawak silang mga burger at softdrinks at umaktong nang-iinggit.

"Walang magbibigay sa'yo kasi nakakadiring tignan 'yang buhok mo! Bading!"

Nagtakbuhan sila at doon ko lang natanto na inaasar nila si Nabo. Umahon ang inis sa puso ko pero agad iyong nawala. I can't make myself angry at those kids. They grow up like that because no one guided them and taught them good manners. It's not their fault that they turned out to be like that. They view life differently.

"Huwag mong pansinin ang mga iyon, Nabo." I returned my attention to him.

Nakayuko siya habang tumatango.

"Bakla po ako." Hikbi niya.

I opened my mouth to comfort him when I heard Dax's voice behind me.

"And it's okay."

Tumabi siya sa'kin at nilahad sa kanila ang dalawang supot ng pagkain at tubig. I looked at him in awe. What he just said... he said it's okay.

"Being gay doesn't make you less a person." He added that surprises me more.

A strange loud thud happened inside my ribcage and I don't know what that is. I stare at him- his dark eyes softened and his lips parted as he tried to comfort Nabo.

"Po? Hindi ko maintindihan kasi English."

They all laughed but I was left dumbfounded by own emotions. Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa kaniyang kamay na dumapo sa ulo ni Nabo at tinapik iyon, katulad ng ginawa niya sa'kin kanina at sinabing I did a good job.

"Kung iba ang sinasabi ng puso mo kaysa sa kung anong kasarian ang pinagkaloob sa'yo, hindi ibigsabihin no'n na mali ka. Siguro sabihin na nating mali iyon sa mata ng simbahan at labag sa biblia, ang ibang tao ay nandidiri na makakita ng isang babae na nagsusuot panlalaki at isang lalaki na nagsusuot ng mga damit pambabae. Pero moderno na ang panahon ngayon, Nabo. Hindi mo kailangang ikahiya kung hindi ka lalaki- kung ayaw mong maging lalaki dahil hindi iyon ang gusto mo. Lahat ng bagay sa mundo ay umiikot base sa opinyon natin. Ang tama at mali ay nakadepende sa kulturang kinalakhan natin kaya naman," he paused and squatted to level his eyes to Nabo.

"Huwag mong isipin na nakakahiyang maging bakla. Huwag mong isipin na hindi ka matatanggap dahil lamang may puso kang babae."

Nabo started to get teary eyed but I can see how he was trying to control it.

"Alam mo, may mga kaibigan akong bakla 'tsaka tomboy. Hindi naman sila gumagawa ng masama sa kapwa nila." He shrugged. "Halos lahat nga sila puro matatalino at matutulungin katulad ni Teacher Tri."

He took a quick glance at me that it made my heart skip a beat. He called me teacher. I swallowed hard and tried to calm myself. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako kinakabahan.

"Pero sabi po ng matatanda na hindi ako mapupunta sa langit kasi bakla ako."

"Pati ang madamot po 'diba hindi mapupunta sa langit? Sa harap ng simbahan, tuwing linggo lagi kaming nandun pero wala namang nagbibigay sa'min kapag nalabas na sila." Angge butts in.

"Hindi dahil hindi maganda ang isang bagay ay ibigsabihin mali na iyon. Minsan kailangan nating isipin kung ang nakabubuti ba sa'tin ay hindi masamang epekto sa iba, then, siguro, wala naman talagang mali. It's just that, we are taught to believe that some certain things should stay for what we are used to see them in a way. Mga bagay na nakasanayan na hindi pwedeng baguhin." I spoke.

"Pero hangga't hindi ka nakakasakit, nangliliit at nakakaargabyado ng ibang tao, walang mali kung bakla ka. Tao ka. Katulad ng ibang lalaki at babae, nagkakamali sila. Hindi lang sila nakakatanggap ng parehas na trato dahil hindi sila katulad mo. And it's unfair. Pero nakakasigurado akong darating ang panahon na hindi mo na kailangang itago kung sino ka ba talaga dahil tanggap na kayo ng mundo."

We're all sinners. Kaya hindi ko maintindihan kung bakit may mga taong maliit ang tingin sa mga taong katulad ni Nabo. Why they can only see the sin of others and not their own? Instead of trying to make them change, why just don't focus on themselves? We're all sinners with different sins. It's not pretty but it's the reality.

"You will always be loved, Nabo." I added.

Suminghot siya at tuluyan nang tumulo ang mga luha. I hugged him and before I leave them, I made sure that they ate the food Dax bought for them. Binigyan ko rin sila ng kaunting pera dahil wala akong cash sa wallet. Pinaalalahanan ko rin silang umuwi na at 'wag masyadong lalayo dahil pinapadalhan ko naman sila ng pagkain kay Nanay.

Tiningala ko ang langit at napansing naghahalo na ang iba't-ibang kulay sa langit. Dapit hapon na nang magpasya kaming bumalik sa school. Naglakad lang kaming dalawa dahil nasabi niya kanina na malapit lang naman. And he's right dahil natatanaw ko na ang monument na nakatayo sa harap ng campus namin.

"You're a teacher."

Sa loob ng halos walong minutong paglalakad ay ngayon ko lang siya ulit narinig na magsalita. Ngumuso ako at hindi sumagot.

"I remembered that you visited the College of Education noong University Games Week. You want to shift program?"

Maybe? I don't know. I get used to the kids calling me Teacher Tri and I really like it. Not because it sounds nice to be called by that but for other reason. I just feel like... I'm here because they need me. Those kids need me.

"It suits you."

Tuluyan niya nang nakuha ang atensiyon ko. "Suits me what?"

Nasa harap ang tingin niya habang nakatingin ako sa side profile niya. And here comes the weird thudding inside my chest again. What is this really?

"The title. Being called Teacher. I think it's much better than the term princess."

Napatitig ako sa kaniya. He's right. Being called a teacher is much better than being called a princess.

"The teacher serves. Iyon ang gusto mo 'diba? Ikaw ang tumutulong sa iba, hindi ikaw ang tutulungan. That's why your smile and laugh whenever you're around with those kids is genuine and very rare to be seen. You reserve that behaviour to the kids."

How... How come he ends up concluding that?

Dahan-dahan akong tumango. "I like- no, I love teaching them. It's fulfilling. Pakiramdam ko may rason ang buhay ko dahil sa kanila."

He stopped to give his full attention on me. Huminto rin ako sa paglalakad at tiningala siya.

"Are you happy?"

That caught me off guard again. Slowly, I nodded.

"They are fun to be with."

"No. Not that. I mean... your life. Are you happy by being like this?" Maingat niyang tanong.

My heart beat doubled and I have no idea why I'm acting this way.

"What do you mean?" I asked back.

"Your life. Is it okay with you that you're only doing the things that your parents told you to do and refused to do the things they say you're not allowed to try?"

Hindi ako agad nakasagot.

"I'm not judging you, okay? I'm just curious about how you see your life. Are you happy? Kasi alam ko namang may iba-iba tayong kahulugan ng happiness. Maybe you have your own definition of it. I'm just curious to know."

Why is he curious?

He smiled sheepishly. "I want to know you more, that's my reason."

People always say that I have a better life than them— that they are envious of me. I have a big house, beautiful dresses, and I don't look like that I was ever starved. But...I realized just now that... I'm miserable. I'm lonely. I never thought about that but I realized that I was. I still am. Maybe, the term better is just a perspective. People only see what I let them see. And I don't think anyone is capable to see what's within me— that behind these embellishments I've learned to wear since I was born, there's more to me than meets the eye.

"What do you think?" Sa maliit kong boses na untag. "Do you think I'm happy?"

I didn't dare to look into his eyes, quite scared to see what could be his reaction to me now.

"Hindi ka magagalit kapag sinabi ko ang totoo?"

Inirapan ko siya. I thought he's being serious. Hindi ko na sana siya papatulan nang makita ko ang pagbabago sa ekspresyon niya nang iangat ko ang aking tingin sa kaniyang mukha. He switches mood so quickly.

"For me, you don't look happy. Not because you're not smiling that much, but for the reason," he paused.

I anticipated his words.

"It looks like you're just trying to live for the sake of what your family wants."

I gritted my teeth and looked away.

"Hindi ko sinasabi na masama ang mga magulang mo o ano, lahat naman siguro ng mga magulang ay gusto lang ang nakabubuti para sa kanilang anak. Pero sinabi minsan ni Papa sa'kin na kahit gaano pa kabuti ang intensiyon ng isang magulang na palakihin at buhayin ang anak niya, minsan ang paraan niya ay hindi ang nakabubuti para sa anak."

I don't understand... or maybe I do. I'm just refusing to believe that he's right. That he can actually see the real me.

"We have our minds, too, you know? We can decide for ourselves. Pero hindi ibigsabihin no'n na hindi natin nirerespeto o mahal ang mga magulang natin. It's just that we have to live on our own accord because it's our life. Not theirs."

"Hindi ba nagagalit ang Papa mo kapag sinasabi mong gusto mong gawin ang bagay na hindi nila gusto?" Tanong ko, hindi pa rin siya tinitignan.

I settled my eyes on the sky instead.

"Naiinis, iyon siguro ang tamang salitang gamitin. Napagsasabihan pa nga ako. But my father, he let me do things. Naniniwala siya na matututo lang ako sa sarili kong mga pagkakamali. And he's right. I've regretted a lot of things in my life and wishes that I should have not done it. Pero ngayong binabalikan ko na lang ang mga alaalang 'yon, I realized that it was fun. Having those shortcomings, failures, regrets, it was fun. It makes me to who I am today. Wiser."

Who would have thought that I will actually hear him say this kind of words? Bukod kay Nanay, I never met a person who has that kind of wisdom. Right, I judged him too quickly because he's not an idiot at all. He just knows how to make fun in this life. And that is something I barely know how to do.

"How do you define happiness, then?" I asked curiously.

Hindi siya agad sumagot kaya ibinalik ko ang tingin sa kaniya. He's staring above when he answered after a while.

"Happiness is found in little things." Aniya.

"Simple lang ang buhay namin at aaminin ko na minsan na akong nainggit sa mga taong may kakayahang magkaroon ng mga bagay na wala ako. Pero sa tuwing nakikita ko sina Mama at Papa pati ang kapatid ko, do'n ko natatanto na sapat na ang mayroon ako. They are my inspiration to do better, not just on my studies but to everything- in this life."

How is it to be grateful for little things? Because I don't think I ever felt thankful for what I have. I always ask for more.

"Ikaw ba? How do you define it?" Balik niyang tanong.

"I don't know." That came out subconsciously from my mouth.

And it hit me— like a sudden bolt of lightning hit me. I realized that... I wasn't really unhappy— maybe I made myself believe that or I don't have any personality at all— but now that we're talking about it... am I really happy?

No. I'm not.

True that I wasn't unhappy but I realized now that I wasn't also completely happy. I'm not okay being told what I should do because I know that there's a bigger part of me inside that wants to scream and let my voice be heard by my parents. I want to live on my own terms. The rules that my parents set for me since I was a kid, the way they molded me into someone they want me to become, it all sounds and looks like I'm just a project to them. That if in any case I'll disappear, they can manage to create another version of me. Maybe... I'm really like just a robot. I have no personality, I don't have my own choices, and I can't voice out my thoughts unless I'm allowed to do so. I'm always told to do the things I never liked. They manipulated me like I'm just some sort of computer or robot they can order to do something and I will unquestionably obey.

"It's okay. Happiness is a process. We find it along the way in our journey. You just have to keep moving."

I stare at his face. I just have to keep going. Will I ever find that happiness? The happiness like he has now?

"What if... what if I'd say that..." hindi ko matapos tapos ang sasabihin ko dahil hindi ko alam kung tama bang siya ang tanungin ko.

But I braced myself.

"What if I say that I'm unhappy because... I'm misunderstood?" I swallowed the imaginary lump in my throat and I can feel the tightening happening inside my chest.

He bends his head down and looks straight into my eyes like he's trying to see through me.

"If you want someone to understand you, you need to learn how to open up."

My chest tightened more and my breath is stuck in my throat. I don't know if is it because I'm anxious or is it something else.

"Is that normal?" I replied. "To open up to someone about my life?"

"Uh-hm." He nodded. "And if you're looking for someone to talk about your life, I'm here." He pointed at himself and grinned.

"Always at your service." He added.

I can't admit it earlier but... he's so nice. I never heard anyone before that they want to hear something from me. But he does. He always does from the very beginning.

"Whenever you're ready, Tri. Don't pressure yourself to open up when you're not comfortable about it. But you will... in time."

He believes in me. He always believes in me. How can he be that so nice and optimistic?

"Dumidilim na! Ang bilis ng oras kapag kasama kita." He laughs and started walking again.

I stare at his back and consciously found myself smiling. Sumunod ako sa kaniyang paglalakad.

"Ihahanda ko na ang sarili ko sa mga bunganga ng kaklase ko." Aniya at huminto upang hintayin akong makasabay sa kaniya.

"Tingin mo may tao pa sa horror house n'yo? Padilim na."

"Siguro wala na."

And for the first time in my entire life, I ditched a school event even when I know it was graded.