Simula

Kapag maraming naniniwala, iyon ang tama. Kapag kaunti lang ang naniniwala at sumusuporta sa ideya, isa lamang iyong opinyon at madalas ay mali.

"Ang Biblia lamang ang nagsasabi ng kung anong totoo at tama. Sa lahat ng mga aksiyon na ginagawa natin, kailangan nating alalahanin ang aral ng banal na kasulatan. Ang Diyos ay lumikha lamang ng babae at lalaki. Malaking paglalapastangan sa Diyos ang pakikipagrelasyon sa kapwa lalaki o babae. Sa panahon ngayon, patuloy na sumasama ang mundo. Ang mga kabataan ay mabilis na nadadala ng mga ito dahil sa social media. Ngunit mas nakakaalam tayo kung ano ang tama sa mali at 'wag sanang makikita sa'tin ang paglabag." The Pastor preached in front.

It's Sunday today and we're in church like usual. My parents have become very active in attending masses not because they are truly religious but for some reasons.

Tuwid akong nakaupo katabi ang aking mga magulang at tahimik na pinapakinggan ang nagsasalita sa unahan. I grow up thinking that the Pastor is always right. I believe that there is God, but what I can't understand as I grow older is why the church limits its members to do more? Bakit sa halip na iparamdam sa ibang tao na tanggap sila ay tila iniiwasan pa sila? Why they always say that they will only end up in physical harm or, worse, damnation, for choosing what they want to become?

Kasalanan ba nila na bakla sila? Pinili ba nilang maging tomboy? I never have been in their situation and I don't pretend that I understand whatever they are going through. I also don't have gay or lesbian friends to relate with. Pero sa napapansin ko, katulad ko, tao lang rin sila. Pinigilan rin naman siguro nila. Siguro pinilit rin nilang maging straight dahil iyon ang tama sa mata ng simbahan at Diyos. At ang tanging paraan para matanggap ka ng society ay kung naaayon ang kilos mo sa mabuti.

Pero kailan ba hindi nagiging mabuti ang tama? Those people that the church tries to isolate from them, are also humans like us. They deserve to be respected. How come people will preach about unison if they can't even accept the people who only saved themselves? The people who only become what they are meant to become. What is wrong to be different? And how come is it right to be excluded? To be not accepted? To be treated unfairly just because they have different views and they chose to become the person the society is disgusted with.

Why is it so wrong?

"Tayo ang nasa tama at hindi dapat tayo nagpapadala sa impluwensiya ng iba."

Are we really influenced or do we just start to see what's right for all the people?

I'm not saying that what they're teaching isn't true because I'm a believer myself. I just don't like how they make feel other people outcasted for being who they truly are. And why they can't agree to give them the rights to protect them. Dahil takot silang dumating ang panahon na ang lahat ng tao ay maging katulad ng iba? Lahat ay magkakagusto sa kapwa babae at lalaki? Magpapakasal na labag sa utos at aral? Hindi ko kailanman matatanggap na kung sino pa ang mga taong nais magparating ng katotohanan at kabutihan upang mapagbuklod ang mga tao ay sila pang nagpaparamdam sa iba na hindi sila tanggap dahil mali na pinili nila kung sino sila ngayon.

I stood to join the prayer and I don't know but I can't feel the sincerity anymore in their voices. What prayer does if deep inside us we know we're inflicting someone? Are we only standing up for what we believe in, trying to act according to what we know is the truth, or we're just a bunch of hypocrites here?

Pagkatapos ng mass ay agad akong tumayo kasabay ng aking mga magulang. Nasa unahan kami nakaupo dahil madalas ay maaga kaming nakakarating dito. My Dad always wants to be here an hour before the start of the mass because he doesn't want to create a scene for being late.

Pero iyon ba talaga ang rason? For all I know he likes the attention. He loves being the center of everything. He likes being the only one— someone who is always on top. Superiority, that's what he calls it.

"You should be just grateful for having things that other kids don't have. You're born a princess, praised and loved by everyone. Everyone will bow their heads on you in show of respect."

That's what I'm told since I was a child. I couldn't and shouldn't ask for anything more because I have everything. A big house, two parents, a lot of money, privileges... everything.

But are those really enough? Or I'm just being too greedy for wanting more than all I have?

"Mom, I'm going to share a secret with you. It's only between us. Promise?"

My eyes darted at the other row of chairs. Naglalakad ako palabas nang marinig ko iyon sa isang babae na tingin ko ay kasing edad ko lang rin. Her hands are on her mother's arms and she's kind of clinging to her. They are smiling from ear to ear while her daughter is trying to say something.

"Tri, let's go." Utos sa'kin ni Mommy.

Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa daan at sumunod sa'king mga magulang habang patuloy kong naririnig ang pag-uusap ng mag-ina.

"Sure, of course, I can keep a secret. May boyfriend ka na ba?"

"That's not it, Mom. Iba ang sasabihin ko. Grabe ka."

And they laugh.

Sharing secrets... how does that thing feel?

I stare at the backs of my parents and wonder if I'm being too greedy or if I'm only deluding myself.

The rays of the noon sunlight instantly touched us when we stepped out of the building. Dalawang bodyguards namin ang agad sumalubong at pinayungan kami. Mom and Dad are together sharing an umbrella while I remain on their back, following them.

Dumiretso kami sa office ng head ng church at tahimik na pinanood kung paano kausapin ng aking mga magulang ang mga tao sa loob. They handed out a brown envelope that contains the money my parents are donating. I don't have an idea how much it is, but I know it's more than what needed to be donated.

My parents are not really those kinds of good people that everyone learned to see in them. Yes, they are donating but for what cause? I know it's not because they really care for the church.

Nagdo-donate sila dahil pinapalakas ng simbahang ito ang aming negosyo. Madalas, sa tuwing matatapos ang aral ay lagi nilang ina-acknowledge si Mommy at Daddy. Actually, it didn't start from my parents. It started from our ancestors. Simula noon, nakilala ang pamilya namin bilang isang loyal donator ng simbahang ito.

My family owns the largest farm in Cavite, my hometown. However, that's not only my family's business; they also own Supermarkets with branches all over the country, and luxurious farm villas in Zambales, Bulacan, and Batangas. And they also invested in another business just years ago which is a Filipino cuisine restaurant. Dahil sa daming negosyo ng pamilya namin, naging popular si Daddy sa bayan namin. Maraming tumingala at hinangaan kung gaano siya kahusay sa pagnenegosyo.

But that's not the only reason why many people admire him. My father is a Delavin which makes him the successor of the famous Delavin politicians that reigned during the '40s to '90s. He's not the only child but he's the only son in the family and it's not like his other siblings are too greedy like him. Our other relatives are residing in Europe and United States, there they started a new life and began their new businesses. Lahat silang magkakapatid ay piniling ituon ang atensiyon sa negosyo kaysa politika— and that's what ends the Political dynasty in our family.

But it still looks like that both of my parents are treated like royalties. And as their only child, I'm not allowed to contradict them or even give my opinion. Tila isa akong audience sa kanilang buhay. Papalakpak kung kailangan pero hindi pwedeng mag-ingay o mag-demand man lang.

"Thank you so much, Mr. and Mrs. Delavin. Hindi namin alam kung paano masusuklian ang lahat ng kabutihan n'yo." The head of the Church said that.

Hindi ako umimik nang makipagbiruan ang mga magulang ko sa kanila. I remain silent while watching them. And I wonder, when will these people practice what they preach?

"It's nothing compared to what we are receiving, Pastora. We're very blessed for how our businesses continue to grow and we're loved by most of the Caviteños. All because of this church." Mom said while smiling sweetly and took a glance at me.

"It's not because of the Church, dahil iyon sa inyong pamilya. Tunay na kilalang mabuti ang mga Delavin."

I remained unemotional until they finish their chattering. Sumunod ako sa kanila palabas ngunit hindi kami parehas ng sasakyan. My parents, since I was a child, they already taught me how to be alone. They are always with me most of the time because I have to be with them in different gatherings, but I always have a different car to ride. Hindi ko kailanman nakasama sa iisang byahe ang mga magulang ko.

"It's because people need to see that you are a princess. Princess doesn't share a car with anyone." Mom told me when I was five.

Princess. I pity myself for believing that I was actually am. When I entered middle school, I there only realized that we're not in monarchy country, so, how come I will become a princess? What are their definition of it? Kapag ba iniiwasan ako ng ibang bata na kasing edad ko, kapag nirerespeto ako ng halos lahat ng nakakatanda sa'kin, mayroong special treatment sa'kin lagi, iyon ang kahulugan ng pagiging prinsesa? Does being alone mean being a princess?

"Go home straight, Trishastrea. The make-up artists and stylists are already in the house. We won't be home until this late night so make sure to be pretty. You have to stand out on that prom night of yours. Sure the other students won't even wear gowns."

I lifted my eyes to my mother and she looks so unbothered by what she said.

"What do you mean?" I asked in a small and soft-spoken voice of mine.

Even the way I talk, I was taught. I can't shout or even raise my tone when it's not necessary. I'm always expected to move with grace and talk softly.

Mom glanced back at me while the door of their car was opened by the other bodyguard.

"Oh, I'm sorry, honey. Ang ibig kong sabihin ay baka renta lang ang mga suot nilang gown mamaya. Or else they are only wearing cocktail dresses from ukay-ukay. The typical Prom of the public college school. You don't have to worry, you'll be the highlight of your Prom night."

She kissed me on my cheek before entering the car. Nasa loob na si Daddy at abala sa kaniyang iPad, ni hindi na nagpaalam sa'kin bago tuluyang tumakbo paalis ang sasakyan. I walk towards the other car and entered.

"You don't have to worry, you'll be the highlight of your Prom night."

Only that I don't want to become the highlight of that Prom. I never wanted to become the highlight of anyone. Unlike them, I grow up liking being on my own. I never had friends... and I don't think I'll ever like to have one. Just like they taught me before, I don't have to be friends with anyone as I'm always loved by everyone.

And Mom's right, the stylists and make-up artists are already waiting for me in my room. I never wanted this kind of preparation. I can certainly wear good make-up on my own but my mother always has her way with me. She rented these people so I can be the prettiest. She chose my gown because she believes that I don't have a good fashion sense.

Do I really don't or they only think the worse of me?

"Tri!"

Kalalabas ko lang ng sasakyan nang sumalubong sa'kin si Allison. The only student and classmate who dared to talk to me on my first day here. It's been three years since I entered this campus yet things remain the same. I still can't be friends with her because I don't like her.

"Yay! Kumpleto na ang BSBA-M 3-1!" She cheered happily and pulled me with her.

"Picture tayo sa red carpet. Taray 'no may pa-red carpet parang Star Magic Ball lang!" She giggled.

Ni hindi ko man lang nagawang kumontra sa gusto niya dahil bago pa man din ako makapagsalita ay nasa red carpet na kami. I have no other option but to smile in front of the camera.

Wearing a simple pink halter gown with a belt and my hair in a twisted braided bun with flower hair clips, I become the center of attention. I don't like it but I can't say it aloud. I don't smile after that picture and walked away from Allison. Hindi niya rin naman na ako napansin dahil lumapit sa kaniya ang iba niyang kaibigan.

"Tri, sa table ka namin mamaya, ha." Habol niya habang patuloy akong naglalakad papasok ng gymnasium.

I stopped in front of the door and look at the crowded place. Half of the gym is filled with tables while the other half is meant for the dance floor. There's a disco light hanging above and balloons scattered on the floor. Maingay ang tugtugin at idagdag pa ang MC sa stage.

I don't like this party. I never liked a party.

I stepped inside the gymnasium and searched for my table. I unemotionally strut my way while I'm very aware of the eyes looking at me. I don't care, though. I just want this night to end without talking to anyone or thinking about this night being fun. That's just so far from possible.

"Trisha, you look so pretty."

I bumped into our adviser and she genuinely complimented my look. I forced a smile and even if I wanted to be nice, I don't know what else to talk about to her, therefore, I continue walking.

I'm a third-year Business Management student. This prom is the mark of the end of my third year in college. Summer vacation is very close and I'll be on my last year next school year. Until now, I don't know if I really come to love my course.

I never wanted to take BSBA-M but I'm still here. Still pleasing my parents like a good daughter.

I sat next to the people in my table and they didn't dare to talk to me. Nasa kabilang table sina Allison at patuloy siyang kumakaway sa'kin kahit ini-ignora ko siya.

"Good evening, everyone. Are you all enjoying the night so far?"

I lifted my eyes and saw Kendra Cecilia Hemerosa on the stage. She's the Master of Ceremony tonight. Well, she's always the MC of every gathering here in school. She's just really amazing at hosting, I can't deny that.

However, no matter how good the MC tonight is and no matter how good the music in their ears is, I still find this party boresome. And it's too loud, I hate it.

"You are all pretty tonight, ladies. And handsome, gentlemen. Y'all look like real princesses and princes." Kaycee added in her introduction.

Why does everyone want to be a princess? Even Barbie didn't want to become one. Juliet's life sucks when she can't marry the man she loves. So, why does everyone likes to be a princess? It's not like some Disney movies where every girl will start being a normal person and then turns out to be royalty. I'm not a literal princess, but being treated like that sucks.

This life shouldn't be a fairytale because if it is, I will never like it.

I looked at the group of friends near our table who is all laughing while taking pictures. I don't envy them... just sometimes I question why I have no friends. Then I will instantly remember that I always ignore people. Maybe, I'm the problem.

The ceremony started, the meals are served but after that, the crowd become more uncontrollable. The music gets loud and everyone ran towards the dance floor. Nakita ko kung paano ako hanapin ni Allison pero mabilis akong naglakad palabas ng gym.

I sat on the old rusty bench under a tree and, finally, I was able to breathe fresh air. It's not really dark here because all the lamp posts are lighted but, still, it's dark.

I saw how desperate Allison a while ago to pursue me on sitting next to her but I still rejected her offer. I knew her since we were freshmen dahil blocmates kami. Lagi niya akong pinipilit na sumama sa kaniya pero hindi ko makuhang makita na sincere siya na makipagkaibigan sa'kin. I noticed that her friends are all above-average and pretty. Yes, hindi lang naman ako ang mayaman na nag-aaral dito. Pero bukod doon, madalas ko ring nakikita na lagi silang magkakaaway. And I don't want to involve myself with people like her. I just don't know how to tell her that I don't like her without sounding rude.

"There you are!"

I instinctively lifted my head when I heard and saw someone appear in front of me. Kumunot ang aking noo nang matanto na hindi pamilyar ang lalaking nasa unahan ko. He's wearing a white and black tuxedo and dark pants paired with his shiny shoes. His hair is like a curtain. Wait, is that hair even allowed in the school?

"I've been looking for you."

And he's smiling like an idiot.

I only impassively stared at him and I have no intention of asking who is he. I don't care, so like I always do, I ignored him.

"I saw you a while ago, sitting next to your classmates. Lalapitan sana kita kaso bigla kang nawala. And you're here." He let out a sigh of relief that I have no idea what's for.

Ginala ko ang paningin sa kaniyang mukha at hindi ko mapigilang obserbahin siya. It's just me, being curious about things, even with the stranger in front of me.

He has these red lips that look so soft, a perfect pointed nose, and pitch-black tender eyes. He's like six feet tall or more and he's lean and mascular, not very typical for boys his age. And right now, I just remembered who he does look like.

"Oh, well, I talked too much without introducing myself. I'm Donato Axton, Sernio is my last name." His smug smile never left his lips.

Yes, his look reminds me of the young Leonardo DiCaprio.

He let out an embarrassing laugh when I didn't even utter a word after he introduced himself. The name doesn't even ring a bell to me. He's a total stranger and probably just like the others, he wants to be friends with me or something else.

I shifted on my seat in realization. Only that other than Allison, no one else ever dared to talk to me again. This guy is the second person who dares to talk to me.

My eyes widened because even though I've been making myself believe that having friends is no big deal, it still surprises me that there are people who will dare step into my life.

"You can call me Dax. That's what they call me."

But he never said that he wants to be friends with me. Am I being assuming or I'm just really imaginative? Or maybe, deep down in me, I was hoping he would say it.

I dismissed the thought. It's pathetic. I will look pathetic if I will think that way.

"I'm from the MedTech department. Same year lang tayo." Dagdag niya na para bang sinasagot niya ang tanong na hindi ko naman tinatanong.

I didn't respond. I don't want to.

He smiled awkwardly and brushed his hair with his fingers.

"You are?" Aniya at hilaw pa ring ngumingisi.

I looked away and ignored his question. I don't want to talk to him or to anyone. I don't need to have friends...

"Well, stupid me. I actually know you. Everyone knows you. You're Tri."

Tri. That's my name and I'm frequently called by that at home, but hearing it from a total stranger makes it different. In a way I can't explain.

"Uhm," I can hear his hard time trying to keep up with the conversation I'm not acknowledging.

"Why you're here? Hindi mo gusto sa loob? Everyone's dancing."

Why would I dance? I hate it.

"Maybe, you can allow me to ask you for a dance?"

Matalim ang mga mata kong binalingan siya ulit at tumayo.

"No." I said firmly and walk past him.

"Wait!" He gets a hold of my wrist but he quickly removed it when I looked at him.

I'm not sure anymore if I'm glaring at him or what but I was surprised. That was the first time someone holds my wrist. No, actually, my first time for a man to hold my wrist. It's not like I wanted to be a conservative or reserved but I was brought up like that.

"Sorry," he apologized sincerely.

"I just want to ask you for a dance-"

"And I already said 'no'." Walang emosyon kong sagot at umambang tatalikuran siya ulit nang magsalita siya.

"I know you. I always watch you, not in a creepy way, but I have known you..." he paused.

Mas lumalim ang gitla sa'king noo dahil sa mga sinasabi niya. He's not making any sense.

"What I mean is, can't you accept people in your life? Don't get me wrong. I always find you alone, I thought this night, you could earn a friend."

"And who told you that I need a friend?"

"Maybe you can socialize?" He suggested and shrugged.

"What for?" Kusa iyong lumabas sa bibig ko nang hindi pinag-iisipan.

Sometimes I hate myself for speaking straightforwardly. Umiling ako at tinalikuran na siya. I don't want to talk to him.

"I just want to be friends with you, that's all."

Napahinto ako sa paglalakad nang marinig iyon. So, I was not wrong, he really does want to be friends with me. But, for what reason? Everybody has their reason. Like how Dad put me in this school, like how he acts like a good person, and how Mom always chooses things for me. They always have reasons. And it is for me to allow and follow them like a puppet.

Humigpit ang hawak ko sa'king clutch at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad. I didn't look back at that stranger and walks straight to the parking. Pumasok ako sa sasakyan dahil gusto ko nang umuwi.

No one will like me for being a snob and arrogant. That's how they see me. I was painted as a person they can't be friends with because I'm regal, intimidating, and too smart. People expect the best from me. I can't speak mindlessly, do things imprudently, because that can't be me. And for a person like him to say such a thing like that is just... implausible.

"Nandito ka na agad? Wala pang alas dies ng gabi."

I gave my yaya, who I learned to call my 'Nanay', an exhausted smile. Umupo ako sa edge ng aking kama pero hindi ko natiis at lumabas ako ng balcony. I feel like I can't breathe inside.

"Kumusta ang party, anak? Ilan ang sumayaw sa iyo?" Excited niyang tanong habang umuupo ako sa silya.

Tumingala ako sa malaki at maliwanag na buwan na natatakluban ng mga ulap. Suddenly, Dax's words echoed in my head.

I know I'm always alone and I have no problem with that. People might also think that I'm lonely, but I don't feel like that.

Or I really am?

My entire life, I was always told to do what my parents want. I never had a choice of my own. I never had a chance to pick things for myself. My room design, they chose it. All of my stuff, they chose it. The books I read, they bought those, because they told me that I should love reading. Well, I learned to love it. But I'm thinking, what does it feel if I'm the one who discovered my love for reading? What if I wasn't just told to love it?

What if I can choose the life I want?

But, what do I really want?

"It was boring." Sagot ko.

Lumapit sa'kin si Nanay at sinimulang tanggalin ang mga clips sa buhok ko. Pumungay ang aking mga mata at bumagsak ang tingin ko sa kalakhan ng farm na tanaw ko mula dito.

I took Business Management as college degree because I'm always told that I'll be the only successor of our businesses. Sooner, I'll be just like them.

"Anak, alam kong hindi ka mahilig sa mga party pero kailangan mong makipagkaibigan."

"It's hard. 'Yong mga gustong makipagkaibigan sa'kin, ayaw ko naman sa kanila." I said bluntly.

Hinaplos niya ang aking buhok kaya tumaas ang tingin ko sa kaniya. Her face are full of wrinkles now that she is older than I was a little. I hope she won't leave me.

"Okay lang 'yan. Darating ang panahon na makakatagpo ka ng kaibigan na magugustuhan mo rin. 'Yung kasing edad mo. Hindi katulad ko na matanda na." Pagbibiro niya.

Natatawa akong umirap.

"I like you better than anyone my age. And I don't think anyone would ever like to be friends with me. I'm hard to please. I'm a snob. No one can put up with my attitude."

I refused to believe that I am what people think about me. My classmates in elementary and high school always call me a snob and arrogant. When I entered college, things changed a bit. Allison, the only person who pursue to befriend me since our first year but I never entertained her for the reason that I find her a fake one— not a true friend to anyone she's friends with.

However, there's always some point in my life when I wonder if the words they say about me can be true. That, maybe, I'm a snob and arrogant. Maybe I just always think that I'm right about my judgments and assumptions. Maybe, I'm not really a good person I'm thinking that I am. Maybe my actions are contradicting my thoughts... or maybe, there's really deep down in me that is evil. That the blood running in my body is so like the family I'm part of. I'm a hypocrite as this family is.

Maybe they are right. I see their bad sides because I'm just like them.

"Tri, anak,"

My thoughts got interrupted when she called me again.

Do I really know myself? Do I know what choices I have? Can I actually decide for myself? Am I really living for myself or... for anyone else's? Is this really what I want? Am I really a bad person? Snob, arrogant, and hypocrite?

"Am I a bad person?" That question unconsciously went out of my mouth.

"Ba't mo naman naiisip 'yan?" Hindi niya makapaniwalang tanong.

Alam kong siya lang ang nag-iisip na mabait akong tao.

"Ang kabutihan ay hindi pare-pareho, anak. Ang kabutihan mo," She touched my face and caressed my cheek.

"... hindi mo man madalas naisasalin sa tamang salita pero naipaparamdam mo. Ang pagiging mabuti ay hindi ibigsabihin na kailangan mo laging tulungan ang ibang tao o dapat lagi kang ngumiti sa kanila o kausapin sila. Madalas mas nararamdaman ito. Huwag mong iisiping hindi ka mabait. Sa lahat ng taong nakilala ko, ikaw ang may malasakit. Hindi laging katulad ng nakasanayan ang kabutihan mo pero hindi ibigsabihin na hindi mabuti ang puso mo."

Or maybe, just like her, there will be a person who will look into my eyes and see the real me, which I intend to also meet because I don't know who I am yet. Somehow that thought comforted me... for a minute; because my rational mind knows better— it's impossible and foolish. There are thoughts that just don't come true just like how unreal Romeo and Juliet's story is. And foolish for how I think that my life could be a fairytale.

No one can save each other. I have to...

I sighed.

I only have me.

"Balang-araw, may matatawag ka ring kaibigan." She speaks very hopeful.

Don't know about that... who would put up with someone like me.

"Ikaw ang pinakamabait na batang nakilala ko sa buong buhay ko. Kahit lumaki kang marangya ang buhay at tinuturing na prinsesa sa mansion'g ito at maging halos ang buong Cavite ay tingin sa iyo ay isang anak maharlika, nanatili kang mapagkumbaba. Mali lang ang pagkakakilala sa'yo ng ibang tao. Tandaan mo, hindi lahat ng masungit ang mukha ay masungit din ang ugali." Pagbibiro niya sa huling sinabi.

Napangiti ako dahil doon.

"Ano nga ba 'yung kasabihan? Don't judge the... the story on the book?" Gulo niyang tanong.

"Don't judge the book by its cover, 'nay." I corrected while slightly laughing.

"'Yun nga. Kaya 'wag kang papaapekto sa mga naririnig mo. Maganda kang bata at mabuti ang iyong puso. Nakikita ko 'yun at makikita iyon ng buong mundo sa hinaharap."

Will they?

"O baka naman naghahanap ka lang ng kaibigan na katulad mo. Isang kaibigan na katulad ng hangarin mo."

Ngumuso ako. "Maybe."

Then I looked at the bright full moon again.

"Or just like the moon, I'm not scared to be alone." I muttered.

My thoughts are confusing just like how my life is. Could this be considered a fairytale? Not even a bit.