Simula

I wasn't exactly ambitious and a dreamer when I learned to love my job. I was only thinking then that I have to work to afford a living on my own. But it was fine... it was okay to not figure what I really want during those times because it leads me here. I'm not yet too old to be a pursuit of my goals.

I squint my eyes as the rays of the sun touched my face. Hinarang ko ang aking kaliwang kamay sa aking mga mata upang hindi masilaw. Through the spaces between my fingers, I saw how the sun's rays were directed at me. Nakakasilaw at masakit sa mata, ngunit maganda.

Unti-unti kong binagsak ang aking kamay kasabay ng pag-iwas ko ng tingin sa araw. It's exactly twelve noon in the afternoon here in Dubai. Matirik ang araw at masakit sa balat ang binibigay nitong sikat. But I have no choice but to endure this scorching heat and appreciate the view around me.

Sinikop ko ang aking buhok at sinubukang itali habang naglalakad. Maraming tao ang naglalakad katulad ko at may iilang tinitignan ako gamit ang mga matang puno ng kuryusidad. I always try to give them a faint smile but they are not returning it. So in the end, I'll just ignore it.

Tumawid ako sa kabilang kalsada at humanap ng masilong na daan. Through the shadows of some trees, I walked there. Sa kaliwang gilid ko ay ang maiingay na sasakyan na nag-uunahan. Sa kanan ko ay naroon ang mga nagtatayugang establishemento ng bansang ito. Binilisan ko pa ang aking lakad hanggang sa makarating ako sa tapat ng kanina ko pa hinahanap.

Burj Khalifa is like a Disney castle in its very tallest and largest building ever created. Ang patusok sa pinakadulong tuktok ng gusali ay wari'y kumikislap dahil sa sikat na nanggagaling sa araw. It made it more aesthetically pleasing in the eyes of the people. I stepped forward once again and lifted my head more, neverminding the scorching heat coming from the fiery sun.

"It's so tall. This is impossible." I whispered to myself.

"Sounds impossible before, but let your eyes decide if it really is."

Napabaling ako sa nagsalita at agad ring nawala ang kaba sa dibdib nang makitang isa lang iyong estranghero. Tipid akong ngumiti at tumango bago ibinalik ang tingin sa gusali. How could a building so tall as this ever create? I'm never a fan of architecture, but I love art in general. And this is art. No wonder why Arabians are so proud of this skyscraper.

Humalukipkip ako. Kahit hindi malinaw sa'kin kung ano ang nasa pinakamataas na bahagi ng gusali ay pinilit ko pa rin ang aking sarili na pagmasdan ito, umaasa na makikita ang hindi ko alam kung anong hinahanap ko.

There's no impossible. That's what I learned for the twenty-six years of my life here on earth. There will come a time that you will be disappointed big time; iisipin mong wala ng pagasa ang buhay mo, hindi mo alam kung paano magpapatuloy dahil parang ang lahat ay wala nang dahilan para magpatuloy. But there will also come a day that you will realize why it has to be like that.

Why I didn't have a dream when I was in college? Why I didn't make it to my dream university? Why I wasn't mention in the honor rolls? Why did it have to be me? I had my achievements... but was those enough? The questions I often to wonder, but never I ask for an answer instantly because I know in the deepest of the hole inside my soul... I believe that there's a dreamer lurking inside.

And what I'm proud of myself? It's the thought that I never pressured myself to be someone I know I'm not. While everyone is very certain about their future, I'm not. While everyone has plans, I don't. I just always let my fate decides where I will be. Minsan hindi iyon tama, dahil tayo ang gumagawa ng sarili nating tadhana. Ngunit madalas, iyon lang ang alam kong gawin lalo na't hindi ko alam kung saan ako papunta. Umasa ako sa sarili kong tadhana, na alam kong ako rin naman ang gumagawa.

And this is where it brought me. To the world I have never seen before. To the life I have never thought before. It wasn't an easy road; it's rough and very rocky, it wasn't even straight, but I made it here. I now have a dream.

Slowly, the bright sky is suddenly surrounded by dark clouds. Ang paniningkit ng aking mga mata ay unti-unting bumalik sa normal na hugis. I'm kinda disappointed for how these clouds thought of coming when I am currently enjoying the view of Burj Khalifa on a bright day.

Binagsak ko ang tingin sa lupa at mabilis na nagtatakbo nang bigla ay magsimulang pumatak ang mumunting mga ambon.

"How on earth will suddenly rain when it's just very sunny seconds ago?" I monotone, annoyed.

This is my last day in Dubai with my boss. Well, technically, I'm currently not with my boss now dahil may inaasikaso siya. I have decided to enjoy this last day because it's not always that I have the chance to go out of the country because of my job. Pero mukhang masisira pa ang huli kong araw dahil sa epal na ulan na ito.

Tumunog ang chimes nang pumasok ako sa isang coffee shop. May dumalo agad sa'king waitress. I ordered their best seller coffee and continue to wipe some water off my face. Nang umalis ang waitress ay siyang saktong pagtunog ng aking cellphone. Napangiti ako nang makita kung sino iyon.

"Where are you?" Bungad ni Gillian sa kabilang linya.

Base sa background niya ay nasa loob siya ng kaniyang cabin. Hindi ako sigurado kung nasaan siya ngayon, maybe somewhere in Europe. Inikot ko ang aking paningin sa loob ng coffee shop. Maraming tao sa loob dahil Sunday ngayon.

"UAE," I answered without returning my eyes to my phone's screen.

Bumalik ang waitress dala ang inorder ko at nagpasalamat. I tried to sip on it just to be embarrassed because it's still hot.

"Where particularly in UAE? I mean the country is big."

I looked at the screen and found Gillian rolling her eyes at me. Ngumisi ako at sinandal ang likod sa backrest ng silya. Pinatong ko ang aking cellphone sa lamesa at sinandal iyon sa naka-display na vase sa gitna.

"Still in UAE." Pang-iinis ko sa kaniya.

"Ha-ha. Funny, Audrey." Sarkastiko niyang sagot.

Mahina akong humalakhak at napailing-iling.

"I'm a ship stewardess, Aud. So tell me, really, where are you?" Iritado niya nang untag.

"Or huwag mo nang sagutin. I know where are you, actually." Agap niya.

Kumunot ang aking noo dahil sa huli niyang sinabi. "What? Are you here? Are you gonna surprise me?"

"Gaga. E'di sana hindi kita tinawagan kung nandiyan ako. I should have just shown up in front of your face."

Ako naman ngayon ang umirap dahil sa sinabi ng kaibigan.

"You're in Dubai. Saan pa ba maaaring pumunta ang mga turista diyan sa UAE? Of course, in the famous Burj Khalifa!"

Muli akong humigop sa aking kape at hindi sinagot ang kaibigan. My eyes darted to the large transparent windows of the place. Sa labas ay nakita ko ang mabilis na panunumbalik ng kainitan. Mula sa mabilis na pagdaan ng ulan ay muli na namang sumilip ang haring araw mula sa nag-aalisang mga ulap.

"This is my last day here," I said and get back to my conversation with Gillian.

Naabutan ko siyang nakatitig sa'kin, nasa mukha ang obvious na pagtataka. Mas lalong lumalim ang gitla sa aking noo dahil sa kaniyang tingin.

"What?" I snapped.

She sighed and shrugged. "Ilang araw ka ba diyan sa Dubai?"

"It's just a week. My boss, you know who is she," I paused and looked at my friend.

Nakita ko ang pagdaan ng sakit sa kaniyang mga mata ngunit tumango lamang siya. Bumagsak ang dalawa kong balikat dahil sa nakikitang lungkot sa kaniyang mukha. She's already two years on the ship and I'm sure she loves it. I mean, that's her dream. But it must be very lonely to be in the middle of nowhere. But again, she loves the ocean. She loves anything deep and mysterious: the sea.

"We attended a launching and we'll be heading back for the Philippines tomorrow morning. I'm trying to enjoy this last day but it suddenly rains."

"Rain? Summer diyan ngayon, ah?"

"You know, climate change." I shrugged and sipped again on my coffee.

I heard her sighed again the reason why I have to look at her again.

"Really, Gil, what's with your heavy sighs?" I finally strike the question.

"Well... napapansin ko parang ang lungkot mo."

Naibaba ko ang aking iniinom at itinuon ang buong atensiyon sa kaibigan.

"I'm not sad." I defended.

Tumaas ang kaniyang kilay sa'kin at ngumuso. Her bangs back when we were in high school and college are now gone. And she's much prettier without it. And her tanned skin tone is slightly turning white. But she's a natural tan, so it's just maybe for days.

"You're in an Arab country. Marami bang kamukha diyan si Felix?"

I rolled my eyes again at what she said. Pinahaba niya pa ang usapan, doon din pala kami papunta.

"Mali pala. Felix is one in a million Arab people-"

"Shut up, Gillian. Stop teasing me." Iritable kong putol sa mga sinasabi niya.

"I thought you moved on? Bakit ka affected-"

"I am! It just annoys me to hear his name again. So, please, stop it." I glared at her.

I saw her giggling silently and turned serious after a while.

"You didn't saw him?"

I glared at her more.

"What? I'm just asking-"

"Katulad ng sinabi mo, malaki ang UAE. And it's not like he's staying here. He's never familiar with this place..." or that's what I thought because I don't really know much about him before we separate ways years ago.

"But... I think I saw him yesterday." Amin ko sa nakita ko kahapon.

"But, again, I think I just saw him. I think. Hindi ako sigurado kung siya nga."

"Paano kung siya nga?"

Napaangat ako ng tingin at pinanood ang mga taong naglalakad sa labas. Nagkakasalubong ang mga tao pero ang nakakamangha ay hindi naman nila kilala ang isa't-isa. I wonder why we have to meet someone on the path we're taking? Is it destiny or just purely coincidental?

We don't meet people by just a mere accident. It has reasons. Either they will bring tears or joy; nevertheless, they will still going to be a part of our changes.

"Have you talked to Baste and Kobe?"I changed the topic.

Ibinalik ko sa kaniya ang atensiyon at naabutan siyang nanatiling mapanuri ang tinging ginagawad sa'kin.

"Yes," she replied subconsciously.

"Ang tanga talaga niyang si Baste at Kobe. Bakit ba sila nagda-drive nang nakainom?" I said nang maalala kung anong nangyari sa dalawa bago umalis ng Pilipinas.

"Ewan ko sa mga gagong 'yon. Ang sabi ni Sabrina nakauwi naman sila agad. Minor injuries lang naman ang natamo."

Tumango ako. The two are still studying. Baste is a law student, while Kobe is very near to graduating from a flight school in Canada. Umuwi lang siya upang magbakasyon ng isang linggo pero nadisgrasya pa sila dahil sa kanilang mga kalokohan.

"Bisitahin mo si Kobe pagbalik mo." She said meaningfully.

"Bibisitahin ko silang dalawa ni Baste." Linaw ko.

She laughed hysterically and I can't control my eyes to roll. Namimiss ko ang aking kaibigan pero alam kong aasarin niya lang ako sa buong oras naming pag-uusap kaya tinapos ko na ang tawag. Hindi ako manhid. I know that Kobe has a crush on me since we were in high school. He's a very nice person, an almost perfect guy that every girl would wish to have. And I love him as a friend. We remained that relationship between us not because I don't want to ruin what we have, but because that is what I can only feel about him. He's like a brother to me, katulad ni Baste.

Pagkatapos kong uminom ng kape ay lumabas na ako at nagpatuloy sa paglalakad. I won't say that I once wish na sana si Kobe na lang ang nagustuhan ko. That's selfishness. To wish for something that will only benefit you alone is greediness. Kobe deserves someone who is real to her feelings towards him, and it's not me. My heart is free, but I still don't think that I can be deserving of him.

Ginugol ko ang natitirang oras sa pag-iikot at pagbili ng mga pasalubong. Gumanda na muli ang araw dahilan kung bakit na-enjoy ko ang nalalabing oras dito sa Dubai. Merida, my boss in G&T Shipping Lines, called me and told me that we'll meet in the restaurant of our hotel for dinner.

Kaya naman hindi muna ako umakyat sa kwarto ko at dumiretso sa restaurant. Naabutan ko si Merida na nakatingin sa menu na kaniyang hawak habang may waiter sa gilid. I walked near her and greeted her. She smiled at me and gestured me to sit. I ordered as well and it didn't take long for our food to be served.

"Saan ka nagpunta? You spend the last day of this trip working?" I jokingly asked her.

Parehas kaming naghihiwa ng steak nang tumawa siya.

"I went to a date. Don't ask me who, I won't say." Aniya.

Tumawa rin ako at tumango na lamang. Hindi na ako naki-isyuso kung kanino siya nakipag-date. But I really wonder kung kanino. Wala akong maalala na may pinakilala siya sa'king lalaki nang dumating kami dito.

"We're gonna leave tonight, Audrey." She broke the silence.

Pinunasan ko ang aking labi ng table napkin dahil tapos na akong kumain.

"Oh. Then I should be in my room now. Hindi ko pa naaayos ang gamit ko."

"It's okay. Mamaya pa tayong twelve aalis. Through water."

Halos masamid ako sa sariling iniinom dahil sa huli niyang sinabi. Huminto siya sa pagkain at nagtataka akong tinignan.

"Through water?"

She nodded like it's no big deal. "We'll ride a cargo ship back to the Philippines."

"A cargo ship?!" Bulalas ko.

I saw her eyes widened a fraction because of my sudden scream. Napabaling sa'ming banda ang ibang kumakain dahil napalakas ang aking boses. Napangiwi ako at umayos sa pagkakaupo. I looked at Merida who gets back to being cool and chill.

"Do you have to repeat everything I say?" Humor is very evident on her face.

Huminga ako ng malalim at muling napainom ng wine. Hindi ko alam kung anong isasagot. I mean, she's my boss and I can't say no. Though I'm not really sure if she's serious with it.

"P-Pwede ba tayo do'n?" I asked in doubt.

She nodded confidently. "Yes. I already talk to the captain and I've done all the things we need to be a passenger."

Is that even possible? At seryoso ba talaga siya? It seems like she already planned this even before we step foot on this place. Ayaw ko sanang pumayag dahil hindi ko kayang tiisin ang ilang buwan sa karagatan pero hindi ko rin naman kayang tumanggi. But what will happen to me in months of sailing? No matter how I don't want to return yet to the Philippines, sailing back through water is never my option to longer my so-called short vacation.

"We can work from there, Audrey, don't worry. You can certainly find new ideas while we are on board. It's just three months or less sailing." Imporma niya sa tonong para bang hindi ganoon iyon ka-big deal.

Three months without her presence in the company? That's... horrible. I mean, she's the CEO of the G&T Shipping Lines. Bumagsak na lamang ang dalawa kong balikat dahil alam kong hindi ko rin mababago ang kaniyang isipan.

Huminga ako ng malalim habang inaayos ang mga gamit ko at inisip na ayos lang naman siguro iyon. Si Gillian nga nakakatagal ng halos isang taon sa karagatan, kaya kaya ko rin iyon.

Sana.

Pagkatapos kong ayusin ang mga gamit ay nagpalit lamang ako ng damit bago tuluyang bumaba ng hotel lobby. May sumalubong sa'kin at tinulungan ako sa mga gamit ko. I rode the black luxurious car with Merida and just minutes from the hotel, we already arrived at the port.

Madilim ang port, tanging ang ilaw lang mula sa iilang mga lamp post ang nagsisilbing liwanag. It's very quiet here, too. Ang mga naglalakihang cargo ship sa harapan ay kasalukuyang nakatigil lamang. Sinundan ko si Merida na umakyat sa isang hagdanan patungo sa cargo ship kung saan kami sasakay.

My pace went slow as I stare at the huge cargo ship. I swallowed hard and stalked Merida. Again, I have no choice. Tuloy-tuloy siya sa paglalakad na para bang alam niya ang pasikot-sikot sa loob nito. Well, she's an heiress of one of the biggest shipping lines in Asia, so no wonder. And this is one of their cargo ships.

"We're here, Audrey." She said and glanced at me when we finally stepped on the deck.

I don't even know what this floor call. Basta ang alam ko ay nasa itaas na kami ng cargo ship na ito at nakikita ko ang isang matipunong lalaki na nasa late 30s niya siguro na naglalakad palapit sa'min. The whole place is in dim lights. It's very dark here but the full moon above us is giving us the right amount of light, plus the other lights.

"Good evening, Miss Trinidad." The man wearing the captain's uniform greeted Merida first.

"Skip the formality, Montano." Even in the dark, I saw how her eyes rolled.

Merida is ten years older than me. Nang makapasok ako sa kanilang kompanya ay mabilis niya akong napalagayan ng loob and we're good friends for two years. But not that close enough to cross the line of disagreeing to her to ride this cargo ship.

I didn't really expect that this ship will look like some yacht or cruise ship. Isa itong cargo vessel na nagdadala ng mga produkto mula Pilipinas palabas ng bansa, o 'di kaya mula ibang bansa papasok ng Pilipinas. And I know now that I'll be bored to death here since I'm not really fond of water, unlike Gillian.

"This is Audrey, Montano. Siya ang kasama ko sa launching." Pakilala sa'kin ni Merida sa kapitan ng barko.

The captain held his hand for me. "Nice to meet you, Audrey. I'm the captain on board, Montano Thompson."

Tinanggap ko ang kaniyang kamay. "Nice to meet you, too, Montano-"

Hindi ko natapos ang aking sasabihin nang magsalita ulit si Merida. I withdrew my hand from the Captain's hold and glanced at Merida.

"Akala ko nandito si Engineer Climacosa?" She probed.

Para akong binawian ng pandinig dahil sa narinig. Awtomatikong umikot ang paningin ko sa paligid ngunit tanging tahimik na ihip ng hangin at hampas ng alon sa dagat lang ang narinig at nakita ko. It's just the three of us here.

"He's on the other cargo when we arrived but I get him. He'll be here to greet you- oh, he's here."

Marami namang Climacosa sa buong mundo. And duh, we're in Dubai. Imposibleng nandito siya. Sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay hindi ako naniniwala na dito pa kami magkikita pagkatapos ng limang taon.

"Good evening, Merida."

That familiar low and deep baritone almost sent cold to my body. I looked at where the other two are and found them joined with another man. Wearing a seafarer white uniform, and even against the dim of the light, I still noticed his dark thick hair. And his eyes that were so hypnotizing before remain the same. I can't be wrong.

Ang alam ko ay survivor si Felix nang lumubog na barko three years ago. Pero hindi minsan kami nagkaroon ng pagkakataon na magkita muli not until now. Kahit madilim ang parte kung nasaan siya ay malinaw sa'king mga mata ang kaniyang mukha. Years had passed but I can still clearly recognize him even in the darkest area of the world. After all, I used to be so obsessed and desperate for him.

He changed a lot. My eyes automatically and shamelessly surveyed him. Malaki ang pinagbago niya, pisikal at sa awra. If he looks hostile before, he's ten times more dangerous-looking now. Muscles are all over in the right places and it is defined by his well-fitted uniform. Hindi ko alam kung ilang inches ang tinangkad niya o sadyang hindi lang ako lumaki.

Ramdam ko ang panginginig ng aking katawan nang magsimula siyang maglakad palapit sa'kin. He towered over me and I tried every bit I can to brace myself to face him. Hindi lang siya ang nagbago. I changed as well. I'm not the same young and naive Audrey who never falters to adore him. I grew and learned what I deserve. And it's not him. Not even his petty feelings for me that don't even mean a thing to him.

"Felix! I'm with my friend. This is-" Merida's words were cut off because of Felix.

He smirked darkly and I don't know why my heart has to thud erratically just because of that.

"Audrey." He spoke my name in the sexiest way any man can but him.

Napakagat ako sa aking pang-ibabang labi at palihim na huminga ng malalim. I moved on. What I'm feeling right now is pure astonishment at his sudden presence again. I don't even remember what I felt back when we were still together. It's all blur. Five long years almost seems like we never happened.

Merida exchanged looks at me and Felix, wonder is evident in her beautiful grey eyes.

"Magkakilala kayo?" Gulat niyang tanong.

And even before he could answer, I took the place.

"Ah! We're schoolmates noong college." Agap ko.

Tinitigan ako ni Merida at hindi nagtagal ay tumango siya. Ganoon rin ang kapitan. I didn't even dare to glance again at Felix. But I don't know with this weird compulsion that made me look at him. Kinabahan ako nang maabutan siyang matalim ang pinupukol na tingin sa'kin. I avoided his eyes and stand next to Merida.

"Yeah. We're schoolmates." I heard him said it with full of sarcasm that I'm the only one who noticed it.

Three months or less of sailing back to the Philippines will be fine. I can work from here... katulad ng sinabi ni Merida at hindi naman siguro kami magkikita ni Felix sa mga susunod na araw. I'm sure of that. I will be fine. And it's not like I have something to worry about. Ano ngayon kung nandito si Felix? Like it matters to me.

Right?

He doesn't matter to me now. Not anymore since three years ago.