Entry 30

"What happened?"

Kanina niya pa ako tinatanong kung anong nangyari ngunit hindi ko magawang ibuka ang aking bibig upang magsalita. I don't want to think that I'm confused just because I saw the pain in his eyes... but I don't know anymore what to think.

I must not cry over him. He hurt me. He bruised me for giving too much heartbreak in the past. I should not cry over him. Hindi ko dapat iniiyakan ang lalaking minsang naging dahilan kung bakit nasira ako.

But am I crying over him or for myself?

Did I really turn heartless? Did I turn out to be the person who doesn't know how to love anymore?

Pumikit ako ng mariin at sinapo ang aking mga mata gamit ang aking kamay. Nasa kama ako ni Merida at nakaupo habang ramdam kong natataranta siya at hindi alam kung anong dapat gawin. She's standing in front of me, trying to calm me by caressing my shoulders while she's panicking.

I'm not selfish, aren't I? I just want to put myself first after all this time. I'm not obligated to forgive him but I did. But why do I feel like there's big stuff that weighs on my heart? A feeling of guilt... regret... and there is still something I can't name.

"This is my fault. I should have not brought you here with me." Nasa tono niya ang pagsisisi nang sabihin iyon.

Umupo siya sa'king tabi at hinaplos ang aking likod habang patuloy akong tahimik na umiiyak.

Is this her fault? No. This is not her fault. She's not the one who brought us into this place... it's the universe's will.

Funny because as I started to grow and mature, I realized that we are the ones who make our own decision. Pero ngayon, muli akong bumabalik sa nakaraan, dahil may parte sa'king naniniwala na lahat ng ito, hindi ko man gustuhin, ay patuloy na mangyayari dahil iyon ang gusto ng tadhana.

Marahan kong pinalis ang aking luha sa'king pisngi at umayos sa pagkakaupo. Sa gilid ng aking mga mata ay kita kong pinagmamasdan ako ni Merida. I don't want anyone to know my relationship with Felix. Gusto ko sana'y tahimik na makadaong nang walang nakakaalam ng nakaraan ko kay Felix. Nang iwan kami ni Daddy at wala akong masabihan ng problema ko, nagsimula akong isipin na sarili ko lang lagi ang mayroon ako. Na kaya kong kimkimin lahat dahil ayokong dumagdag sa problema ng ibang tao. Pero ngayon, mababaliw ako kung hindi ko ilalabas. Gusto kong maramdaman na mayroong nakikinig sa'kin.

"I don't know, Merida," my voice is heavy as I said those words.

Hindi siya umimik ngunit ramdam kong handa siyang makinig sa'kin. Binagsak ko ang tingin sa'king maputlang mga kamay na hanggang ngayon ay nanginginig. Hindi ko alam kung dahil ba sa lamig sa labas o dahil sa'king pag-iyak. Patuloy na bumibigat ang aking dibdib sa bawat paghinga ko. I felt this once before and I'm scared that I might go through that again.

"I should not feel this way." Dagdag ko, hindi ko alam kung paano ipapaliwanag sa kaniya ang lahat.

I swallowed the lump in my throat and glanced at her once. Nakita ko sa mga mata niya ang sinseridad ng pag-aalala para sa'kin. And that what made me decide to finally tell her.

"I want you to know something." Ani ko.

"I'm all ears." She responded.

I took a deep breath and placed both of my hands in my lap properly. Ngunit habang sinisimulan kong ikwento sa kaniya kung anong relasyon ko kay Felix noon ay hindi ko namamalayang kinukurot ko ang aking mga daliri. Nang matapos ay 'tsaka ko pa lang din tinigilan iyon.

"Alam kong napapansin mo na noon pa." Sambit ko nang hindi siya agad nag-react pagkatapos kong sabihin sa kaniya ang lahat.

"Well," aniya pagkabawi. "May napapansin ako pero hindi ako sigurado. Akala ko ay nagkakagusto lang sa iyo ngayon si Felix. I didn't know he's part of your past. I thought you're just really school mates."

I bit my tongue and didn't respond.

"You're confused." She stated.

Napaangat ako ng aking ulo at binalingan siya. Agad akong umiling pero agad ko ring tinigil. Seriously, I don't even know what I'm feeling. It's a combination of all emotions I should feel and I shouldn't.

Or maybe, indeed, I'm confused. And I don't like it.

"There are two reasons why we cry over our past, Audrey. Isa ay dahil nanghihinayang tayo sa kung anong meron tayo noon pero hanggang doon na lang iyon. Pangalawa, nanghihinayang tayo sa kung anong mayroon tayo sa nakaraan at gusto nating maramdaman ulit iyon ngayon. It's either you're ready to move on with regrets, or you cannot move on because you want to move to the future with that person."

"Neither of the two." I spoke.

Kumunot ang kaniyang noo dahil sa sagot ko. I looked directly at her eyes and gave her a faint smile.

"I'm not crying over the past. I'm crying because of what is now."

I looked away after I said those. Maybe I'm confused now, but one thing I'm sure of is that I'm not crying over what we had. I'm crying for what we can't have.

Yes. Maybe there is still a part of me that wants him... but I don't want to entertain that thought. I don't want him to become part of me again and that's what my heart can't accept. For years of trying to heal from the wound his unrequited love gave me, I'm scared to go through that pain again. I don't want to cry again and to feel like I'm not enough.

"You still love him."

It's not a question, and I can't answer her.

"What holds you back to admit it?" Maingat niyang tanong.

"My past." Mahina kong sagot.

"Merida..." I called her without looking.

"Maybe.... maybe I still love him. But he's no longer worth it of my pain."

Nabalot kami ng nakakabinging katahimikan nang hindi siya sumagot. Siguro'y tinatantiya niya ang aking mga salita.

I learned from the past years that being strong doesn't mean that I have to move on or forget someone I love the most. Sometimes, it is about how I can admit to myself that I still love them, but they are no longer worthy of my pain. And Felix... he doesn't deserve me. Like how I still love my father but he's no longer worth it of my tears. I can love them without letting them into my life again.

"It's all up to you." She finally spoke again.

"No one can decide for you but yourself, Audrey."

Hindi ko alam kung bakit mas lalo akong naguluhan. I'm torn between listening to myself and wanting to hear whatever she thinks about this.

"How did you realize you still love Montano after all those years?" I asked.

"I just know."

"Weren't you confused?" I snapped and finally looked at her again.

She gave me a faint smile as I did to her a while ago. Kumunot ang aking noo dahil sa naging reaksiyon niya.

"When you're still in love with the person, you'll just know it."

"Know what?" Naguguluhan ko pa ring tanong.

"You already admit that you still love him." Balik niya.

"But he's no longer worth it of your pain." Ulit niya sa'king sinabi.

I nodded.

"Then, what's not clear?"

What's not clear?

His face in the deck when I told him to stop flashed in my memory. Was this only guilt? Regret for what we can't have? Love I can't entertain again?

Or is it everything?

"I'll give you some advice as someone who is older than you. But I'm not gonna force you to accept it."

Hindi ako sumagot at hinintay siyang magsalita ulit.

"The best thing in life doesn't come for free. Most of the time, they cost us failure, pain, and doubt. But we have to fight for it if we really want it. Sometimes, our minds will choose to give up. But our hearts? They say hearts can't speak. But for someone like us, Audrey, we can hear it. Our hearts are foolish. Kaya maraming nasasaktan ay dahil pinapagana ang puso kaysa utak. However, for me, foolishness is disguised as a blessing. Katulad ng sinabi ko, nothing in this life comes for free. If we listen to what our heart desires, we should expect of worst things ahead. But everything will be worth it in the end. Everything you pay to get what you want will be worth it. And you will sooner realize that taking chance and listening to this foolish heart was never wrong. It will prove that we're stronger enough to take what we think could be deserving in the end. And that's love."

"You're a strong independent woman. I've seen it for the past two years. We, women, can be independent and succeed without having a man in our lives. Yes. But we can also fall in love, commit to a relationship, and still know our worth and capabilities as a woman. After all, we're all trying to be in a fair world. It's lonely to be alone. And it's painful to not accept love when it is already inside you. Success will not give us eternal happiness, but love will. We can have everything at the moment, but being alone forever? There will come a time when we will wish we have someone — someone who will genuinely care for us when we get old—someone who will love us despite the changes as we age. And that's the best thing in this life that cost so much pain."

Muling bumagsak ang tingin ko sa'king kamay at pinagmasdan ang ring finger ko. I once wished to be a bride; to marry the prince charming of my own love story. But as I grow older, I've become more aware of my priorities. And that is to bloom my career more and become the woman I dream to be. I have those right now. I am that woman right now.

And now... it is only the time that it hits me. Am I happy? Was I?

No.

I wasn't happy. My achievements gave me fulfillment. But I was never happy. Until now, the pain from my past still hid in the deepest of my heart. I never get over him. I was busy but I still love him. I was scared but I'm still in love with him. Yes, I love him... but can he be worth it for my pain again?

Wala sa sarili akong tumayo at dumiretso sa pintuan. Tinitigan ko ang pinto at tila ako lumulutang dahil hindi ko alam kung anong dapat maramdaman o kung anong mas dapat kong pakinggan. Lumabas ako ng cabin ni Merida nang walang paalam at alam kong naintindihan niyang hindi ko magawang magsalita. I went straight to my own cabin at tinapon ang sarili sa kama.

I tried not to think but I can't. I want to see only black but his face flashes every time. And in between my struggles to have peace of my mind, I heard a knock on my door. Hindi agad ako bumangon at nawala din naman agad ang kumakatok.

I forced myself to move and stand up. Binuksan ko ang pintuan at bumungad sa'kin ang isang tray sa sahig na may lamang isang baso ng gatas. Bumaling ako sa kanan at natanaw si Felix na lumiko paalis ng hallway. Bumagsak ang dalawa kong balikat at muli na namang naninikip ang aking dibdib.

Kinuha ko ang tray at pumasok ulit sa loob. Tinitigan ko ang gatas ng ilang minuto bago ako tuluyang uminom. Gumuhit ang init sa lalamunan ko at bahagya akong kumalma.

Is his love enough to consider him again in my life?

Inubos ko ang gatas at piniling humiga na upang makatulog. Nakapikit ako ngunit ang utak ko ay naglalakbay. I tried to think of something else pero bumabalik pa rin sa kung anong pinag-usapan namin ni Merida.

What if he falls in love with someone else?

Napabangon ako at nahagip ng paningin ko ang naka-charge kong cellphone. Umilaw iyon dahil full charge na at nakita kong alas dose pasado na ng hating gabi. I stood and remove it from the charger. Lumabas ako ng cabin at tahimik na tinahak ang daan patungong upper deck.

Sumalubong sa'kin ang malamig na simoy ng hangin at sinayaw nito ang nakalugay at mahaba kong buhok sa likod. Nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad at pinasadahan ng tingin ang hindi pa nalilinis na deck. Ang mga ilaw ay buhay pa rin at maging ang mga kandila ngunit malapit na silang maupos.

I walked towards the table and sat on the seat I was earlier. Tinitigan ko ang kaharap na silya at naalala ang hitsura kanina ni Felix. He was happy. He hoped.

I looked at the railings and remembered the pain in his eyes.

"How can I not include you if you're the reason why I learned how to love?"

The side of my eyes started to get watery when those words echoed in my head.

"Well, I'm not sorry that I'm in love with you."

Bago pa man din tuluyang magwagi ang aking mga luha ay nilabas ko ang aking cellphone at sinubukang tawagan si Mommy. Luckily, she's still awake and she accepted my facetime request.

Merida is my friend and I appreciate what she said. But my mother... I can only trust her.

"AJ," bati niya sa'kin.

I smiled at her. "Hi, Mom. How are you doing?"

Binalik niya ang ngiti sa'kin. "I'm still at the hotel. Pauwi pa lang. Why?"

Unti-unting napawi ang ngisi sa labi ko. Katulad kanina ay hindi ko alam kung paano sisimulan sabihin sa kaniya ang lahat.

"AJ, is there a problem?" Nag-aalala niyang tanong.

My lips quivered as I tried to control my upcoming sob and tears. I bit my lower lip and returned my gaze on the screen.

"AJ," she calls me soothingly.

I gritted my teeth and shook my head. "I..." I trailed off.

"I just don't know what to do." I admitted.

"To do what?"

Tumingala ako sa langit at bahagyang nakaramdam ng kapayapaan nang makita ang bilyon-bilyong bituin sa kalangitan.

"There's a guy I met again... who deeply scarred me in the past." I voiced out while still, my gaze is at the sky above me.

"Your ex." She presumed.

Umiling ako at binalingan siya ulit. "I don't know what we were."

"And, now?" Maingat niyang dagdag.

"I hate him."

"For hurting you in the past?"

Tumango ako.

"Hanggang ngayon? How long has it been?"

Ngumuso ako. "Five years."

"Five years of hatred." Bulong niya.

"No... Yes... I don't know." Naguguluhan kong sagot.

"You still love him?" She snapped a question.

Hindi ako nakasagot dahil hindi ko inexpect na iyon ang itatanong niya.

"I don't know." I answered after a while.

"I'm scared that if I let him in my life again, more so to let myself fall for him again, I might end up being my old self again. And I don't want that to happen, Mom. I don't want to give again my everything and receive nothing in return." I added.

"Honey," she called me sweetly.

I looked at her through the screen.

"It's never wrong to think about yourself first and what's best for you. But it's also never wrong to think about what will give you happiness and peace."

Parehas sila ng sinabi ni Merida. Am I dumb because I don't know what I should do? Paano kung magtanong ako sa maraming tao at isa lang ang sabihin nila? Am I wrong for having an option to not accept him again in my life? Or I will regret forever for not taking a chance with him again?

"If... Dad will return and ask for your forgiveness... will you accept him again? Say he still loves you." I hypothetically question.

"Our situation is different, AJ. He cheated and left. Love is not always an option to get back to someone who deeply bruised us. And I moved on from your Dad. I don't love him anymore."

"What if I don't love this man, too and I'm just confused?" Agap ko.

"Then, stop thinking about it. If he doesn't mean that much to you anymore, you can just let it go."

Hindi ulit ako nakasagot agad.

I can just let it go...

"What if I can't give up thinking about him?" I asked unconsciously.

She smiled a little. "Tell me the whole story so I can judge fairly."

I cleared my throat and ready myself to tell her everything. Pagkatapos ng halos kinse minutos na pagkekwento sa kaniya ng lahat ay natahimik kami ng saglit bago siya nagsalita ulit.

"I've been on the same road as you are before, darling. And let me tell you, even your Dad cheated on me and I've learned to erase my love for him, I didn't regret having memories with him in the past because I was happy. And if you, my daughter, still have the chance to grab that happiness that will tear you off from anguish or will heal you from the wound, then take the opportunity. Grab it. Make yourself free from the hate you planted. Make yourself feel the love again. You won't forget about yourself, but you will add another piece in your life that will complete you. And that will be the best feeling you can ever feel in this lifetime. Contentment for having everything even if it seems so little from another's perspective. Your feelings and decisions are what will only matter in your life at the end of the day."

"Listen to your heart. Hear what it says." She added.

I was happy.

Is being happy enough?

Yes. It is. Especially when you experienced hardships... the only thing you could wish for is peace of mind and happiness. Nothing else after everything.

"You said that love is not always an option to get back together." Ulit ko sa sinabi niya kanina.

Mom nodded. "Yes. But it is also can always be a choice."

The irony of what my mother said but I understood it. I inherited her wisdom, I guess?

"Love is a choice no matter how many people will argue that it isn't."

Bumilis ang tibok ng aking puso nang marinig iyon sa kaniya. That's what my heart wants to hear. Love is always a choice.

I can hate him forever if I choose to. But I can also be happy with him if I choose to.

"You always have the choice, darling. Cliché may it sound but we only have one life. Better not live it with regrets."

Tumayo ako at ngumiti kay Mommy. Tumawa siya sa naging reaksiyon ko at nauna pang magpaalam at pinatay ang tawag. I put back my phone on the pocket of my jacket and ran towards the staircase.

I made my choice.

I will choose to hear that unfamiliar sound in my heart. The beat that Felix can only do to my heart.