Entry 25

Kahit ayaw kong pakinggan ang sinabi ni Felix ay pumunta pa rin ako sa upper deck. I can't just lock myself in the cabin and do nothing. Well, I have something very important to do but I don't want to stay in that room for the three months of this voyage.

Lumapat ang kamay ko sa malamig na railings ng deck at marahang hinaplos iyon habang naglalakad ako. I lifted my eyes on the vast ocean in front of me and I'll admit, it is really indeed pretty. On the vastness, I can see the imaginary line where the water meets the sky. The wild birds are flying freely above it, comfortable in their own home.

It's like an art I only see on paintings, on pictures, written in poetry, and now, with my own bare two eyes, I can see how majestically beautiful the ocean is.

Nilanghap ako ang sariwang hangin at pinakinggan ang tahimik na hampas ng mga alon sa ibaba. I sat on the available bench here and placed my MacBook on the table. Iginala ko ang paningin sa paligid. Mas malinis dito kumpara sa kabilang side ng cargo dahil halos puro gamit doon na hindi ko alam kung para saan.

Dito ay mayroong available na three benches at isang pabilog na lamesa. Maybe this is made for relaxing. Hindi ko pa naiikot ang buong cargo ship but Merida told me earlier that they have a mini library here and a lounge where we can kill time. It's not bad at all.

I sighed and opened my MacBook. I connected it to the internet and started the meeting with my team. Hindi rin naman ganoon kapangit ang signal dito pero nang magtagal ay bigla na lang naputol ang connection ko.

"Seriously? In the middle of my work?!" I voiced out frustratingly.

Sinubukan ko ulit i-connect sa internet pero sinasabi lang na walang signal. Padarag akong tumayo at inikot ang paningin sa paligid upang maghanap ng kahit isang tao na pwede kong makausap para malaman kung bakit walang signal pero ako lang ang nandito.

Bumaba ako at hinanap si Merida. I found her in the lounge, casually sitting on the sofa.

"Walang signal, Merida." I told her, trying to control my impatience.

Nilingon niya ako. "I forgot to tell you. Just one-hour interval of internet connection kasi..." She trailed off.

"I really don't know what they call about it pero babalik din naman iyon mamaya." She smiles at me.

She's so unbelievable. I took a deep breath and nodded slowly.

"I'm having a very important meeting with my team when the connection lost." Marahan kong sambit para sa kaniya.

Umawang ang kaniyang labi at ilang segundong nag-isip bago muling ngumiti sa'kin. I know she's very friendly and gullible, but she can't just smile at me. Gusto kong maiyak dahil gusto kong bumaba ngayon mismo dito at sumakay na lang ng eroplano para makauwi agad ng Pilipinas.

"I'll extend your due." Aniya.

Kung ibang pagkakataon ay matutuwa ako dahil ang haba ng panahon na binigay niya sa'min para sa preperasyon pero alam kong ginagawa niya lang ito dahil pinilit niya akong sumama sa kaniya dito.

"Audrey," tumayo siya at lumapit sa'kin.

"I'm sorry?" She apologized to me while smiling awkwardly.

I glare at her. She's my boss but we're also friends. I know she knows that I'm annoyed right now.

"May magagawa pa ba ako? My only option now is to swim back to the Philippines." I uttered sarcastically.

She laughs at me. "Promise. After one hour."

Umiling na lang ako sa kaniya bago muling lumabas. She's intimidating and very smart, but she can also be like a kid and a friend. And I can't hate her for forcing me here. I don't know but I just don't want to.

Bumalik ako sa upper deck at tanging ang cellphone ko na lamang ang dinala ko. I left my MacBook on my cabin dahil paniguradong nag-left na rin ang mga kausap ko sa meeting. I leaned on the railings and looked down to watch the waves crash in every move of the ship. It's dark blue and I'm so sure that it is way deeper than I imagine it could be.

I lifted my gaze on the vastness. I didn't go out here last night, I wonder if stars in the middle of the ocean are prettier. Tumalikod ako at inihilig ang aking likod sa railings.

I still can't understand why Merida chose to travel through water going home. Well, it's not that it's a very bad thing to travel through water but I, at least, expected that we can ride a cruise ship. For goodness sake, she's a CEO and she can afford a million-dollar cruise line. Pero mas pinili niya talagang sumakay kami sa sarili nilang barko.

Naningkit ang aking mga mata nang dumako ang mga mata ko sa kabilang side ng barko. I can see from here the unattractive cargos. The sea is pretty, the sky is attractive, but other than that, there's nothing more interesting here. I can only hear the crashing of the waves, the loud engine of machines, and some strange sounds. And until now I'm still scared to even fall asleep for a minute for the possibility that this ship might sink katulad sa mga napapanood ko.

But, again, I have no other options left now.

Maybe, this can be a good experience to look back someday. Pampalubag loob ko sa aking sarili.

I was about to sit on the bench again when my phone rang. Nanlaki ang mga mata ko dahil mayroon na ulit signal. I quickly answered Gillian's facetime request. Agad ko sa kaniyang sinabi kung nasaan ako at bakit ako nandito ngayon. I didn't let her speak because I want to put my frustration to someone else and she's the only person who can understand me right now.

Padarag akong umupo pagkatapos kong ilabas lahat ng frustration ko kay Gillian. I just don't know if she's with me for this or the opposite.

"You serious? Oh my god." Tanging nasabi niya na hindi ako sigurado kung natutuwa ba o ano.

I shot my eyebrow at her. "What's that reaction?"

"I don't know if I'll be jealous or what." Aniya na para bang hindi narinig ang sinabi ko.

"Jealous of what?" Kumunot ang aking noo.

Inilapit niya ang mukha sa screen at pinanlakihan ako ng mga mata. Nanatiling nakakunot ang aking noo.

"You met him after five years. In a cargo ship. And you two are in the same company after all these years." She sounded like she was trying to point out something.

I made an uninteresting face. "And so?"

"Oh, c'mon! Don't give me that overused line."

What the? Is she happy that I met Felix again? I roll my eyes because no way in hell she can ever like Felix for me. Not this time and never.

"You were the one who told me to forget him." Paalala ko sa kaniya.

"And am I saying that you should remember him now?" Sarcastic niyang balik.

Tinitigan ko ang aking kaibigan dahil hindi ko siya maintindihan. Why the people around me are starting to be so hard to understand?

"I hate here." I tried to divert the topic from Felix.

"Oh, you can't say that in front of a Ship Stewardess."

Ngumiwi ako dahil sa sinabi niyang iyon.

"You hate there because Felix is there you mean." She assumed.

Well, she's partly right. Bukod naman kay Felix ay ayoko ring maapektuhan ang trabaho ko dahil lang nandito ako. Those are my reasons why I hate here.

"I just don't like the thought of him around me."

It's like my mind spoke unconsciously and I'm too late to realize it.

"Akala ko ba naka-move on ka na? His presence shouldn't affect you anymore."

"I am! It's just that..." I trailed off.

Paano ko ba i-explain sa kaniya?

At ano nga bang i-explain ko?

I groaned silently. He doesn't affect me as he did in the past. Iba ngayon dahil sa tuwing nakikita ko siya, naiinis lang ako. It's like there is something inside me that wants to scream at him. And I have no idea what is that. I hate him, yes. But that thing deep down in me is more than the hate I'm currently feeling towards him.

"You can't understand it, Gil, because you haven't seen your ex yet after a long time." I continue and dismissed the unnecessary thoughts running in my mind.

"Eh, at least, 'yung akin nangakong babalikan ako kaya kapag nagkita kami ulit baka yakapin ko pa nang mahigpit. Kayo ba ni Felix? Hindi naman naging kayo."

I sarcastically smirk at her. She laughs at my reaction.

"Kidding. Pero seryoso. If you really don't love him anymore and the thing you're claiming for three years that you've moved on from him, hindi ka na dapat namomroblema dahil lang nandiyan siya. You're not the same naive Audrey you were before. I know that you know your feelings now more than anyone."

I crossed my legs and lifted my gaze on the sky. Napapikit lang ako nang masilaw ako sa sinag ng araw kaya ibinalik ko ang atensiyon sa screen ng cellphone.

She's right. I'm long ago graduate from being naive and stupid.

"Hindi naman naging kayo kaya walang closure na dapat alalahanin." Dagdag na biro niya.

"Shut up." Iritado kong bigkas.

She stops laughing at biglang nagseryoso.

"I'm just saying. Baka may isa sa inyong mag-demand ng conversation. Like, for what?"

I shook my head at her responses. Masyado siyang advance mag-isip gayong kahit kailan ay hindi iyon mangyayari. My relationship with Felix ended clearly as the water on the Caribbean. We didn't share things about our personal lives and I'm the only one who showed love. I'm the only one who cared too much. Kung mag-uusap kami, it's more likely about me spitting on his face of how much he hurts me.

But, again, that moment will never happen because we have nothing to talk about. My pains in the past are already forgotten and I don't wanna look back anymore.

"Or maybe there are things you two haven't cleared yet." She added.

"Wala! Iba na lang pag-usapan natin. I don't want to talk about him." Sabi ko at tumayo upang ipakita sa kaniya ang view ko ngayon.

"Ano magandang gawin kapag nasa gitna ng karagatan? I'm so bored here." I asked.

"Talon ka tapos pakain ka sa pating."

Matalim ang tingin kong ibinalik sa screen at naabutan siyang tumatawa sa sariling biro. It took us almost an hour talking about her work at dahil gabi na sa kung nasaan siya ay nagpaalam rin agad siyang matutulog na.

"You're alone here."

Napabaling ako sa hagdanan at nakita si Shania na naglalakad palapit kung nasaan ako. I gave her a friendly smile. Hindi katulad kanina, ngayon ay nakasimpleng white tshirt na lang siya at dark pants. Nakalugay ang maikli niyang buhok na kulot sa dulo. She's very pretty. Her skin is like mine, very white. I think she's just a year older than me or two. And she really has a nice body like a model.

"Merida's on the lounge. And I had my meeting here with my team." Sagot ko.

She nodded and stood next to me. Tahimik naming pinagmasdan ang kalawakan ng karagatan bago siya muling nagsalita.

"So, it's true na schoolmates kayo ni Felix?" Tanong niya.

I bit my tongue and nodded hesitantly. Sa gilid ng aking mga mata ay nakita ko siyang ngumuso at tumango-tango.

"How long have you been working here?" I tried to make a conversation that can't include Felix's name.

"Ngayong taon lang. I was in the Costa Cruises but," she shrugged and didn't continue.

I looked at her. "Mas maganda sa cruise ship, 'diba?"

"Yeah. But it's okay. I met Felix here, so," she smiled from ear to ear by mentioning his name.

I feel like my words stopped from my throat. Hindi ako nakaimik at napatitig lang ako sa kaniyang mukha. Are they in a relationship?

My mouth opened to speak but I decided not to and closed it again. The image of them earlier flashed in my mind. Kaya pala alagang-alaga niya si Felix kanina.

"He's there." She uses her head to point to the other side of the ship.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at bumaling sa kabilang parte ng barko na tinuturo niya. I saw Felix with another two men in their uniforms. May ginagawa 'ata sila na hindi ako pamilyar kung ano pero mukhang busy sila.

"Girlfriend duties."

Napabaling ulit ako kay Shania nang magsalita siya. Nagpaalam siya at mabilis na bumaba ng upper deck. Naiwan naman akong nakatitig kung saan siya nawala.

I glanced at where Felix is. Medyo malayo siya kung nasaan ako at dahil bahagyang tumataas na ang sikat ng araw ay hindi siya ganoong kalinaw sa paningin ko. He's standing there, in front of where I am, but I'm not sure if he's looking at me.

Suminghap ako nang makita ang paglapit sa kaniya ni Shania. I instantly looked away and fixed myself on the bench. Humarap ako sa kabilang parte ng ship upang hindi sila makita.

Nang hindi ako mapakali ay bumaba na ako at bumalik sa sariling cabin. I tried to sleep but I can't. Tumaas ako sa kitchen para kumain kasama si Merida. Kaming dalawa lang ang naroon dahil abala sa trabaho ang lahat na pinagpasalamat ko dahil ayokong makasalo sa hapag ulit si Felix.

But it's impossible for that not to happen again. When the dinner came, he entered the kitchen with another two men. Marumi ang suot nilang uniporme na tinanggal nila at nilapag sa malapit na sofa sa kitchen, leaving them only wearing sleeveless shirt.

"Sa'n si Shania?" The man with a beard asked that.

"Nagpapahinga. Kanina pa siya dito sa kusina." Si Merida ang sumagot dahil siya ang kasama ni Shania dito kanina.

"Kumusta naman, Merida?" The other man with tanned skin and almost the same age as me asked that to his boss.

Merida smirked at him. "Montano will join us for dinner."

Nagpabalik-balik ang tingin ko sa kanilang dalawa pero agad kong pinutol nang magtama ang tingin naming dalawa ni Felix. I returned my attention to my food and starts eating again. Bumukas ang pintuan at pumasok si Montano dahilan para tumahimik ang dalawang lalaki sa pang-aasar kay Merida.

I didn't know she's close to all men here. Well, she's really friendly to her employees.

"Hi,"

Nalunok ko ang kinakain ko nang tumabi sa'kin ang morenong nang-aasar kanina kay Merida. He sat next to me and flashed his boyish smile at me.

"I'm Ken. I wasn't able to introduce myself to you last night because I was busy-"

"Pakialam niya kung busy ka?" Kantiyaw ng isa pang lalaki at tumawa.

Montano lifted his eyes on us and smirked.

"You're really doing that in your boss's friend?" Montano shook his head.

I awkwardly smiled. Hindi naman ako inosente para hindi maintindihan kung anong mga pinagsasabi nila. And I've been into a lot of boys back when I was younger and I know exactly when a guy is trying to hit on me. It just happens that it has also been five years since I last dated.

"What? I'm just introducing myself!" Ken defended himself and glanced at me again.

"Audrey, right?" He asked cooly.

Humagalpak ng tawa ang isang lalaki na hindi ko alam kung anong pangalan. Nang tignan ko ang tumawa ay sa halip na siya ang makita ko ay si Felix ang naabutan kong palapit sa lamesa. He sat next to Ken and dragged the plate towards him.

"Uh, yeah." Sagot ko kay Ken.

Naglahad siya ng kamay na tinanggap ko naman. Umamba siyang hahalikan ang kamay ko nang makita kong sinadyang danggilin ni Felix ng braso niya ang kamay ni Ken sa lamesa.

"How old are you?" Patuloy niya sa usapan, hindi pinansin ang pagsiko sa kaniya ni Felix.

Iniwas ko ang tingin kay Ken nang sumagot ako.

"Twenty-five."

"I'm just twenty-six. Halos magkasing edad lang pala tayo!" Aniya na para bang nanalo siya sa lotto.

He keeps on talking to me while the other guy is seated on the sofa. Si Merida at Montano sa aming harapan ay tila may sariling mundo sa kanilang pinag-uusapan. And even if I want to see what Felix is doing, I can't look at him because Ken is blocking him.

"Isang taon pa lang ako dito." Imporma niya sa'kin kahit hindi ko tinatanong.

I only nodded and started the dessert. Nang mag-angat ng tingin si Merida sa'kin mula sa kanilang pag-uusap ni Montano ay ngumisi siya. While Montano started a topic that made Ken stop his almost endless storytelling about his life.

"Where's your girlfriend, Felix?" Tanong ni Montano.

I tried not to look at him but my eyes have their own rule for decision-making. I took a glimpse at him and saw how his thick eyebrows met each other. His lips are on grim line and his jaw is clenching repeatedly. He's annoyed. I just don't know why.

"Nagpapahinga na si Shania kasi maghapon na siya dito sa kusina-"

Merida wasn't able to finish her words when Felix cut her off.

"Shania's not my girlfriend." He said firmly and looked at me.

Halos masamid ako sa sariling kinakain na ice cream nang maabutan niya akong nakatingin sa kaniya. Ibinagsak ko ang tingin sa'king platito.

Why is he denying it? Sinabi nga rin sa'kin ni Shania na girlfriend niya ito.

Montano's harsh bark of laughter enveloped the whole room. I only lifted my eyes to see them giving Felix a teasing smile. Miski si Merida ay nakangisi. At ako lang ang halos walang reaksiyon sa nangyayari.

Tumuwid ako sa pagkakaupo at hindi ko alam kung ngingisi ba o ano. In the end, I chose not to.

"I talked to her earlier, Felix. Anong hindi girlfriend? Sa lahat ng seaman dito ikaw lang ang pinaghahandaan niya ng plato!" Merida laughed elegantly and drink on the wine she requested.

"She's not my girlfriend." Iritadong ulit ni Felix.

"Oo nga. Hindi girlfriend ni Engineer si Shania. May girlfriend ka 'diba sa Pilipinas-"

"Shut up, Ken." Tinaliman niya ng tingin ang katabi ko.

Nang maubos ko ang ice cream ay uminom ako ng tubig dahil gusto ko nang umalis dito. Merida offered me a wine but I refused.

Hindi ko alam kung maniniwala ba ako sa sinasabi niya. How come Shania will come to everyone and tell she is his girlfriend and here he is, denying it.

And why the hell do I care?

I shook my head in my mind and cleaned my mouth with the table napkin. I was about to stand when Felix stood first. Tumayo rin ang isang lalaki sa sofa at sumabay kay Felix palabas. Hindi siya nagpaalam kaya siya ang naging usapan nila Merida at Montano pagkalabas ng tatlo.

"Inasar mo pa kasi." Merida blamed Montano.

Naiwan naman akong nakatitig sa pintuang pinaglabasan nilang tatlo.

"Shania really likes Felix. Hindi ko lang alam kung bakit hindi pinapatulan ni Felix."

Ibinaling ko ang tingin sa dalawa. Montano looked at me when he realized that I'm still here.

"Merida went to the bridge earlier without you. Gusto mo bang pumunta doon?" He asked.

"You must see it!" Merida snapped eagerly and stood.

Natatawang tumayo si Montano dahil sa naging reaksiyon ni Merida. Sumunod ako sa kanilang dalawa palabas. Hindi ko alam kung normal lang ba kay Montano at Merida na halos magyakapan habang naglalakad o ano.

Natigil ang pag-iisip ko tungkol sa dalawa nang makarating kami sa bridge. My lips parted when I saw how big the office is. And there are a lot controls and screens that show graphs and so.

"What's this?" Turo ko sa maliit na parang calculator.

"That's our GPS Navigation device." Montano answered.

Tumango ako at nagpatuloy sa pag-ikot sa buong pasilidad.

"Was it hard memorizing this all?" I asked out of curiosity.

"Yeah. Pero kapag gusto mo naman ang ginagawa mo, nothing is hard."

I agree. Binalingan ko silang dalawa at naabutan si Merida na tinitignan ang isang screen. Montano is behind her while he's showing something to her. I smiled at the sight.

Hindi ko alam kung maiinis kay Merida dahil dinamay niya ako dito para makasama ang boyfriend niya o matutuwa dahil para siyang isang prinsesa na nakipagtanan sa isang kapitan. Only that she brought a friend.

It's not that hard to read their sweet gestures to each other. Tanga na lang ang hindi makakapansing wala silang relasyon.

Pero may mga taong sweet sa isa't-isa pero wala namang relasyon. Bulong ng kabilang isip ko.

Tumikhim ako at pinagpatuloy ang pagtingin sa mga controllers. Nang magsawa ako ay nagpaalam na ako kay Merida na mauunang matulog.

I opened my MacBook after showering to work on the new campaign of G&T Shipping Lines pero walang pumapasok sa isip ko. Tumayo ako at nagsuot ng jacket bago lumabas at dumiretso sa upper deck. My heart warms with the sight of millions stars just above me.

I hold onto the railings and lifted my head more, thinking that I could get a clearer view of stars. I didn't know that being here in the middle of nowhere could make me feel like I'm very near to the stars. Tinaas ko ang aking isang kamay at umaktong parang humuhuli ng mga bituin.

"Pretty, isn't it?"

Mabilis kong binagsak ang aking kamay nang marinig ang pamilyar na baritono sa'king likod. Hindi ko hinarap si Felix at pinanatiling nakatingin sa langit. Why is he here?

"Hindi ka ba ulit makatulog?" Tanong niya.

Ramdam kong palapit ng palapit ang boses niya at naririnig ko ang mga yabag niya. I can feel my chest tightening and my whole body tensing. What the fuck?

Umiling ako at humakbang ng dalawang beses patagilid nang tuluyan siyang nakalapit sa kung nasaan ako. Sa gilid ng aking mga mata ay nakita kong sinulyapan niya ako. I still didn't look at him.

Ba't ba siya nandito? Wala ba siyang trabaho?

"You don't like here, aren't you?" He presumed.

"I didn't say that." Ganti ko.

I saw his hands rested on the railings as well. Napatitig ako sa kaniyang daliri at hindi ko alam kung bakit naghahanap ako ng singsing. He can't be married. Kung kasal na siya ay malalaman ko iyon mula kay Baste. At girlfriend pa lang naman niya si Shania. Pero girlfriend niya ba talaga?

Hindi ko alam!

"It's all over in your face."

"You have no idea what my expression could really mean." Iritado kong sagot.

"Then, why are you here? It's almost past 12. Natutulog ka na dapat."

Tumalikod siya upang maharap ako pero hindi ko pa rin siya tinignan.

"You're thinking that this ship will sink." He stated.

I want to roll my eyes because he was talking too much but I remained to calm myself.

"I'm looking for inspiration for the new campaign I'm working on." Hindi ko alam kung bakit ko iyon sinabi sa kaniya.

I don't have to tell him the real reason why I'm still up!

"Hmm," he only reacted.

I bit my lower lip and I'm starting to feel the cold penetrating inside my jacket to my skin.

"You can watch the sea or stare at the sky, either day or night. You can find inspiration everywhere. Just open your eyes." His timelessly husky voice could beat the coldness of this night and the roughness of the dark.

I slowly nodded and turn around. Hindi ako sumagot at mabilis na naglakad pababa ng lower deck. It was my wrong to response on his questions. I don't want to talk to him. Iyon ang iniiwasan ko sa tatlong buwang paglalayag kasama siya.

Nang makarating ako sa sariling cabin ay tumaas ang kamay ko sa'king kaliwang dibdib. I hate myself for letting my heart beat this fast.