Entry 18

Christmas break came like a whirlwind. I and Felix have been together for more than a month now. And it literally took me a lot of days to completely processed that we're a thing now. A thing because I don't know what to call our relationship. I can't call it friendship because friends don't make out. And I can neither call him my boyfriend because he never said those three words yet to me.

Patihaya akong humiga sa'king kama at tinitigan ang ilaw sa kisame. I'm a cheesy person and a very hopeless romantic girl. I love reading romantic books hoping one day I could meet a guy like on the paper. Felix is exactly like those fictional male protagonists in the books; however, he doesn't love me at first sight. And until now, I'm still wondering what we are.

The universe knows how much I was always on the edge to speak my mind and ask him what we are or where I stand in his life more than a girl he can share his bed with and kiss every time we want. I want to know if I'm special— if I hold a special place in his heart. I want to hear him say he loves me as much I love him.

All my life, I always planned my way in everything. Even in college. I planned on what school I will attend, what program I will take, and where I will rent my dorm. And none of those came true. Instead, I was redirected to a path I have no idea what will bring to me in the end. And now, here I am again, planning a life with Felix while I surely know I might end up heartbroken the moment I open my mouth to ask what we are.

And I can't risk that. It took me almost two years for him to finally notice me. It took me a lot of desperate days so I just can talk to him. Now that we're doing more than talking, I don't want to ruin it.

Therefore, I always end up making myself believe that this is enough. Because for once, I want something to come true.

"AJ,"

My eyes darted at my door when I heard Kuya Andre knocked and called my name. I jumped out of my bed and went to the door to open it. Kunwari kong kinusot ang aking mga mata upang isipin niyang kagigising ko lang.

I've been up even before the sun showed up because I was too excited to meet Felix today. Ngunit dahil naglakbay ang isip ko sa ibang bagay, hindi ko na namalayan ang oras. It's almost eight now and Kuya must be wondering why I didn't go downstairs.

"You have a delivery downstairs." Aniya at sinuri ang aking mukha na para bang alam niyang nagpapanggap lang akong bagong gising.

"May muta ka." Pahabol niya bago siya tumalikod at dumiretso sa hagdanan.

Agad kong kinapa kung may muta nga ako pero wala naman. I made a face and closed my door before stalking him.

"Si Mommy?" I asked him.

Malapit na siya sa puno ng hagdanan nang lingunin niya ako.

"Outside. Kasama niya si Ablyne at Ate."

Tumango ako at mabilis na nagtatakbo pababa. Malapad akong ngumiti nang malagpasan ko siya pero natatawa niya lang akong inilingan.

"Eat your breakfast. Pupuntahan ko silang tatlo sa pool."

Sinundan ko ng tingin si Kuya na naglalakad palabas. For the past month, we've seen a progress to Mom. Simula nang dalhin siya ni Ate sa psychiatrist na family friend namin ay nakakatulog na sa gabi si Mommy. Minsan ay nakikita ko na rin siyang ngumingiti at tumatawa kasama si Ablyne. Pero mayroon pa ring mga gabi na minsan hinihiling ko na sana ay hindi ko na nakikita.

Mom tried to take her life again last week. Noong akala namin ay bumubuti na siya ay bigla siyang nakita ni Kuya sa balcony ng kwarto niya at nagbabalak si Mommy na tumalon. Kagagaling lang ni Kuya noon sa trabaho at iyon ang nadatnan niya. Mabuti na lang at nasa loob si Ate at agad nahila si Mommy pabalik sa loob ng kwarto. I woke up because of the loud noises and then there I saw my Mom screaming while Ate is crying really hard.

Simula noon ay nilipat si Mommy sa kwarto ni Ablyne kung saan walang balcony. We also locked her room so she can't go there anymore. Ganoon din ang ginagawa namin kapag lalabas kami ng sari-sariling kwarto upang hindi niya na ulit maisip na tumalon sa balkonahe.

It's already tiring for me. But thinking about my siblings who are working their ass for the company while keeping an eye on our mother makes me rethink twice if I should complain. I have no right to complain about this situation. Minsan gusto kong mainis at pilitin si Mommy na gumaling na lang pero sa tuwing nakikita ko siyang naghihisterikal, napapaisip ako. I don't have any idea what's going on in her mind. I don't know what she feels. Kung mahirap sa'min 'to, what more to her.

I didn't decide to run away from my problems, I just decided to find my old self again. Kapag kasama ko si Felix, pakiramdam ko wala akong problema. But that doesn't mean I forget about my family, especially our mother. It's not unfair to find peace against the chaos, that's the only way we can breathe into life again.

"Akin po ito?" I asked one of our house help nang makita ko ang isang malaking box sa lamesa.

"Opo, Ma'am. Diyan po nilagay ni Sir Andre."

Kumunot ang aking noo at hinaplos ang kahon. May malaking ribbon sa gitna at doon ko lang nakita ang isang card. I opened it and my smile instantly appears.

It's from Kobe.

"Happy holidays, Aud! Hindi ako makakauwing Cavite kaya pina-deliver ko na lang. I love you!"

-Kobe

I opened the box and saw a lot of fruits, cheese, and some biscuits. May mga pieces pa na hindi ko alam kung ano. It's a charcuterie. Kinapa ko ang bulsa ko upang hanapin ang aking cellphone pero naiwan ko pala sa itaas. Gusto ko sanang kuhanan ng litrato pero kusa nang kumuha ang kamay ko ng pagkain sa loob.

Nang makita ni Ablyne ang nasa table ay nagpaalam siyang kukuha ng isa pero sinunod-sunod niya na.

"I'll go out today, Mom. Uuwi ako before dinner." Paalam ko at tumayo sa hapag.

Tiningala ako ni Ablyne habang kumakain pa rin siya ng pinadala ni Kobe. I smiled at her at sinabing kaniya na lang iyon. Mom also looked at me.

"It's okay if you go home after dinner. Enjoy your holiday break. Just be safe."

Pinagmasdan ko si Mommy na kahit nakakatulog naman sa gabi ay nangingitim pa rin ang ilalim ng mga mata. I stared at her for a while that I feel like it makes her uncomfortable kaya naman nagpaalam na akong babalik sa kwarto.

Sometimes I feel guilty for going out while my siblings are here and taking care of our mother. I let out a heavy sigh and opened my room. Nag-message ako kay Kobe at nagpasalamat sa binigay niya. Sa aming magkakaibigan ay siya ang pinaka-galante. We used to spend the holiday breaks together when we were high school pero nang mag-college kami ay isang beses na lang bago mag-New year kami nagkikita-kita. Kobe is in Manila now with his family. Sab, Apple, and Lallain went to their provinces to spend holidays there. Denzel is still busy kahit bakasyon naman. Baste and Gillian, they have their own plans... I guess?

My thoughts halted when I received a good morning message from Felix. Nagmadali akong pumasok sa bathroom at naligo. I did my make-up quickly dahil simple lang naman. It only took me almost half an hour to decide which clothe to wear today. In the end, I chose to wear a purple spaghetti strap crop top and paired it with my purple-pink plaid tennis skirt.

Tumunog ang cellphone ko habang nagsusuot ako ng medyas kaya naman hindi ko agad nabuksan. But I'm sure it's Felix. Mabilisan kong sinintas ang sapatos at dumiretso ako sa lagayan ng accessories ko. I keep on searching inside the box until I realized what my hand is looking for.

It's searching for the necklace Dad gave me.

I feel like my stomach intestine twirled with the thought of my father again. Padarag kong sinarado ang kahon pagkatapos kong kunin ang simpleng kwintas na regalo sa'kin ni Gillian last year. Bumalik ako sa kama at binuksan ang message ni Felix.

Felix:

Where will I pick you up?

I get my handbag and the paper bag before finally exiting my room. Nagpaalam ako kay Mommy at sa mga kapatid ko bago ko tinakbo ang distansiya ng mansion patungong gate. Nang makalabas ako ay 'tsaka ko pa lang nireplyan si Felix.

Ako:

Sa gate ng village namin.

I quickly get there and wait for him for almost twenty minutes. Nang makapasok ako sa loob ay sumalubong agad sa ilong ko ang natural na mabango niyang amoy. I smiled and pretended that I'm inhaling his scent. I saw how he rolls his eyes on me but a ghost of a smile appeared on his lips. I laughed and fixed my own seatbelt as he started to drive again.

Mabilis nga lang ulit akong bumaling sa kaniya at pinahinto siya sa pagda-drive.

"Stop!" I snapped.

Mabilis niyang tinabi ang sasakyan at nag-preno. He looked at me with his brooding stares.

"Why?" Nag-aalala ang kaniyang boses.

"May gift ako sa'yo." I said.

Ang nag-aalala niyang ekspresyon ay napalitan ng ekspresyon na para bang kinikwestyon niya kung nagsasabi ako ng totoo. I know he's mad now because I shouted 'stop' as if I have a matter of life and death to say.

I grinned and handed him the paper bag. Kulay itim iyon dahil alam kong hindi niya magugustuhan kung bumili ako ng paper bag na puro may puso.

"Open it!" I said eagerly when he accepted it.

Isang beses niya pa akong sinulyapan bago niya tuluyang binuksan ang paper bag. I was smiling while watching him opening it. He took out two different colors of hoodies.

He smiled.

I lean a bit to him and pointed at the letters printed on the hoodies.

"A at J, meaning Audrey and Jeanne." I spoke and smiled wider.

I lifted my eyes on him and found him smirking at me.

"Para lagi mo akong maalala." I wiggled my eyebrows at him.

He chuckled and planted a kiss on my forehead.

"I like it." Aniya.

I'm relieved. Akala ko kasi magagalit siya kung hoodie ang ibibigay ko sa kaniya. Moreso, when I told him what the initials stands for.

"You like what the letters stand for?" I teased.

He shot his eyebrow up at me. "Maybe."

My nose scrunches and I roll my eyes. Hindi niya binawi ang sinabi at magagalit na sana ako kung hindi siya naglahad sa'kin ng paper bag din. I smiled at the advance guess of what it is.

"Hindi ako na-inform na may exchange gift tayo ngayon." I joked as I accepted his gift.

Pagkasilip ko pa lang sa loob ay alam ko na agad kung ano iyon.

"Ah!" I reacted and looked at him with slightly teary eyes.

"You gave me books," I said, pouting.

He shrugged. "I don't know what books you like but Baste told me that you like fiction."

I smiled thinking that he really did asked my friend for my preference. Nilabas ko ang tatlong libro sa loob ng paper bag at binasa ang bawat title.

"I love romance but this will do. I was actually planning to read fantasy na." Sabi ko nang matantong fantasy genre ang napili niya.

"Mukha na ba akong bookworm?" Tanong ko at tinapat ang mga libro sa'king mukha.

"Sabi ng iba hindi naman daw halatang mahilig ako magbasa." I added and laughed.

I saw how his eyes turned sharper. "Don't give a damn to them."

I bit my lower lip to conceal a smile. Of course I don't give a damn about them. Pakialam ko kung isipin nilang hindi ako mahilig magbasa.

"So, saan tayo ngayon?" I finally asked dahil wala naman kaming napag-usapang lugar kung saan kami ngayon mag-di-date.

He started to drive again even though we still don't have a destination. In the end, we chose to stroll around Tagaytay. Maraming tao sa Picnic Grove at People's Park dahil holidays kaya saglit lang kami. We went to Crosswinds but there are also a lot of people there. Kahit sa Skyranch ay gano'n din. In the end, we end up in the car going to Laguna but we get stranded in traffic.

Hinilig ko ang aking ulo sa head rest at sinilip ang labas. Bumagsak ang mga mata ko sa'king hita at tinitigan ang kamay ni Felix na kanina pa naroon. I took a picture of my legs with his hand caressing it. I smiled and think twice of posting it or not, and in the end, I decided not to.

"You hungry?"

Tinago ko ang aking cellphone at binalingan siya. I pushed my bottom lip out to pout.

"I'm hungry," I answered cutely.

He stares at me. Naramdaman ko ang pagpisil niya sa binti ko kaya bumalik doon ang tingin ko. My breath hitched when I saw how his fingers are slowly caressing my thigh. I bit my lower lip and glanced at him. He remained as if he's not doing anything to me.

"What do you want to eat?" His voice is damn hoarse.

"Dessert?" I said unconsciously.

He smirked at my answer and I felt how his fingers tried to go near my panties. I bit the inside of my cheeks and returned my gaze to my thigh. He slapped it once which left a red mark on it. I closed my eyes when his fingers finally reached my panties and he caressed my center while I'm fully clothed.

"You don't like sweets." He said against my ears.

I opened my eyes and saw him already near me. Tinignan ko ang side mirror at nakitang marami pa ring sasakyan sa likod. Ganoon din sa harap at parang walang balak umandar ang mga ito. I took a deep breath before my hands solely think for themselves and I rolled down my panties.

He chuckled in my ears and quickly delved his fingers inside me when he saw the opportunity. I gasped and held tightly on his arms. Napatingala ako at napapikit habang dinadama ang dalawa niyang daliri sa loob ko. He caressed my clit in circular motion and then delves inside again. He started to thrust inside me and I can't control my moan anymore.

"Ah..." I moaned, trying to not be so loud.

God, we're stranded in the traffic and it's not the right time to fuck but...

"Felix!" I screamed his name when he thrust his fingers harder and faster on me.

When he deeper the thrusts of his fingers, my soul almost left me. I squirmed when his fingers left me. He kissed me on my temple and tries to roll up my underwear again but I pushed him back on his seat. I don't care if we're in the traffic right now and someone might see us. I want him inside me now.

"Baby," he called me, but not to stop me but to just fucking call me.

I'm very sure my eyes are a blazing fire of lust and he's reflecting it. He licked his lower lip when I unbuckled his belt and pulled down his pants with his boxers. I removed myself from my seat and jumped on him.

I hold on to his maleness and directed its peak on me. I screamed really loud when I fell down on him. Mahigpit niya akong niyakap habang tinatago ko ang aking sarili sa kaniyang leeg. He touched my ass and slapped it once when I started to move.

We're stranded on traffic and as much as I want for this to take slowly, it's not appropriate now. We need to be quick or we will both die in a car accident. Or a less bad, we might end up in jail for violating a driving law.

"Felix!" I moaned on his neck.

He pounded faster inside me while we're both half-clothed. I know he wants it fast as well because it only took me almost two minutes before I finally felt my own release. Sumalampak ako sa kaniyang balikat at naramdaman kong pinaandar niya ang sasakyan dahil bahagyang lumuwag ang trapiko. All while he's still inside me.

The car stopped again and I have to lift myself up back to my seat. Inayos ko ang aking sarili at tumingin sa salamin. I'm flushed. Tumingin ako sa labas. Did they see us?

"My car's tinted."

I looked at Felix. Inaayos niya ang kaniyang belt habang nakatingin sa'kin. I smiled faintly at him. It was quick but I felt good and sleepy. Damn, I never thought I could do something like that while in a car, moreso while we're stranded in traffic.

He returns my smile and searched for my hand to hold it. Dinala niya iyon sa kaniyang labi at nanatili iyon doon nang mahabang segundo.

"We can eat cakes." I returned to our topic earlier.

Nginuso ko sa kaniya ang labas. "There's a cafe."

"You don't like cakes."

My eyes almost widened because I didn't know he knows it. But then I remembered that I told it him before. I smirked to tease him.

"Well, at least you're giving attention to my words. Partida hindi mo pa ako bet no'n."

He ignored me and brings my hand to the steering wheel with his as the traffic finally ended and the cars ahead of us started to move fast. Patagilid kong inihilig ang aking ulo sa head rest at pinanood siyang seryosong nagmamaneho.

"Allergic ako sa seafood." I informed him nang mapadaan kami sa isang seafood restaurant.

Marami pa kaming nadaanan pero it's either hindi ako pwede do'n o ayaw ko lang talaga. Sinusulyapan ko si Felix dahil baka naiinis na siya sa'kin pero hindi naman gano'n ang ekspresyon niya. It took us almost half an hour before we finally decided to eat in a resto that offers Filipino cuisine.

"What's your plan for Christmas? Uuwi ka sa province n'yo?" I inquired while we are waiting for our food to be served.

Mataman niya akong tinitigan at nagkibit-balikat. Inihilig niya ang kaniyang likod sa silya at hinintay kong sumagot siya pero wala akong narinig. Hanggang sa dumating ang order namin ay hindi niya sinagot ang tanong ko.

I bit my tongue and I feel guilty. I must have been sounded like I'm prying about his family. That wasn't my intention. He's living alone and all I want for him is to spend the holidays with his family. It's sad to be alone during the dates that everyone celebrates.

"What about you? What are your plans for Christmas?" Balik niya sa'king tanong.

I swallowed my food before answering him.

"Sa bahay lang. My relatives might come. Lagi naman." I shrugged.

I'm not really close to my other cousins because they live far from us. Si Kare at Kayden lang ang mga pinsan namin na malapit sa'min. I'm not sure if Mom's other siblings will come home these holidays. Some already migrated in America and some are in Cebu dahil naroon ang business ng mga naging asawa nila. They just occasionally visit us.

He nodded and resumes his eating. Pinigilan ko ang sarili na ulitin ang tanong dahil baka magalit na siya sa'kin. But, isn't he going to be with his relatives? To his father? To his mother?

Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa'king pinggan at doon tinuon ang buong atensiyon. We changed our topic until we finished our food. When he goes to the restroom, my eyes darted to a family near us. They are six, two cute little kids, one toddler, and one teenager girl with their parents. I smiled when they laughed. And it hit me. Makikingiti na lang ba ako habang buhay sa mga taong may kumpletong pamilya?

It's been more than two months when Dad left us without even saying goodbye. Until now, no matter how much amount of hate I have for him, at the back of my mind, I was still waiting for him to call us. But he never did. No phone calls came to our landline. He completely forgets about us.

Ablyne is still asking about him and we keep telling her that he's working abroad. I'm tired of lying to her but we don't have a choice, she's just five years old. And no matter how much hate that I turn into angst for him, I still can't fully grasp the reality that we're going to celebrate Christmas and welcome another year without him.

He didn't die, but it felt like that. No text messages, no phone calls, nothing at all. It's easier to move on when I know he's worth mourning for, but he's out there, living his best life with his mistress while we're here, wrecked. All because of him.

"Let's go?"

Bumalik si Felix at agad na akong tumayo. If I will take another minute here, I'll cry because of envious of another family. We used to be like that. And now, we're not.

"I bought Ablyne a set of coloring books." He told me while we're on our way back to his car.

I glanced at him and squint my eyes.

"I'm not trying to impress you. It's a gift for your sister." He said in defense.

Ngumisi ako. "I know! 'Tsaka wala naman akong sinasabi na ini-impress mo 'ko. You can impress me without even trying."

Siniko ko siya upang asarin pero inignora niya ako. I laughed when he walked fast. Hinabol ko siya pero nahinto ako nang may matanaw ako sa pedestrian lane na tumatawid.

I can't be wrong.

A woman wearing a tight red dress and high heels, probably in her twenties, with a man in his late forties but still looking manly at his age, I can never be wrong. That's my father with his slut.

Adrenaline rush, I walked fast towards them. I only realized that I was running like I'm on a match when I'm already on the pedestrian lane. Maraming tao ang tumawid dahilan kung bakit nawala sila sa paningin ko. I try to jump to see them because I'm small but I can't still see. Sumiksik ako sa nasa unahan ko at tuluyang nakatawid.

I looked around to find them but only the unfamiliar faces are what I saw. Pumasok ako sa loob ng maliit na bazaar at hinanap doon si Daddy pero wala akong nakita miski bakas niya. My shoulders fell as tears started to flow like a faucet in my cheeks.

Sinapo ko ang aking noo at tinakpan ko ang aking bibig gamit ang aking palad.

I hate him. I hate my father but I still want to see him. I want to punch him. I want to slap him. I badly want to ask him why he left us.

My mother's face while crying hysterically flashed in my memory. I opened my eyes and aggressively brushed the tears away from my cheeks. I gritted my teeth and I firmed my jaw. I clenched both of my hands as the tears automatically stop.

I can't miss a man who shattered my mother's heart.

I won't like to see the man who made my perfect family tumbledown.

And I will never wish to see the woman who's the reason why that man left his wife and his own children.

I can't let myself see them because if I do...

I might end up in jail.

I lifted my chin and turned around to go back. Nakita ko si Felix na tumatawid kung nasaan ako at nang makita ako ay nagmadali siya. Hinawakan niya ako sa magkabilang balikat at bakas ang pag-aalala sa kaniyang mukha.

"What happened? Why did you run?"

I forced a smile. "Akala ko kasi nakita ko si Kuya."

Kumunot ang noo niya at alam kong hindi siya naniniwala sa sinasabi ko. But I need him to believe it.

"You ran." He informed me like I didn't know what I did.

"Because I thought I saw Kuya Andre." I continue his sentence.

He weighs my expression but I grin wider. I have to pull his hand with me so we can go back to his car. Mabigat siya kaya naman kahit anong pilit kong hilahin siya ay hindi ako nagtagumpay. I lifted my eyes on him.

I know he cares for me. I love him. I can tell him everything, show him everything of me... except for this. I don't want to share my problems with anyone. I used to be not like this. But I don't know what happened to me but I feel like people don't really care about my life; whether I'll face a problem or what. And in times like this, especially with him, I don't want to be a burden to him. I don't want to look like broken pieces he needs to fix. I don't want to be perceived like that.

"Namamasko po."

"Namamasko po. Kahit pangkain lang po."

Naputol ang titigan namin ni Felix nang may dalawang bata na lumapit sa'min. My heart broke for the nth time this day by seeing kids begging for money. Kumuha ako ng pera sa wallet ko at binigay iyon sa kanila.

"Anong pangalan n'yo?" I asked them.

They looked at me. "Jerome po ako. Siya si Ana."

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko. "Ana? Anne pangalan ng Ate ko." I smiled at them.

Ngumiti ang batang babae at tinuro ang mukha ko. She looks like only three or four year old dahil medyo bulol pa magsalita.

"Maganda ka po. Maganda rin Ate mo po." She said cutely.

Tumawa ako at tinapik ang kaniyang ulo dahil natutuwa ako sa kaniya.

"Dahil sinabihan mo akong maganda, dadagdagan ko 'yan."

I added another one hundred peso bill on her hand that she accepted while smiling widely.

"Magkapatid kayong dalawa?" Tanong ko ulit.

Sabay silang tumango.

"Pagkain bilhin n'yo diyan, ha. Kasama n'yo ba magulang n'yo?"

Sabay din silang umiling.

"Sa ibang lugar po sila namamalimos pero magkikita po kami mamaya." Sagot ng batang lalaki.

I bit my lower lip and thought of the nearing holidays. Kinuha ko sa wallet ang natitira kong one thousand peso bill at binigay iyon sa kanila. Their eyes widened at the sight of it. Sa murang edad ay alam na agad nila kung anong halaga ang kulay ng perang iyon. They might have seen other people buying food with that color of bill.

"Bumili kayo ng pagkain sa Jollibee or kahit saan para may pagkain kayo sa Christmas at New Year."

"Salamat po!" They said loudly and run excitedly.

At least, I made them happy. I looked at Felix who I almost forgot na kasama ko pala dahil sa dalawang bata. He's looking at me with, I'm not sure, amusement?

"What?" Natatawa kong tanong dahil sa kaniyang titig sa'kin.

He smile that didn't reach his eyes.

"You're friendly. You talk to strangers."

Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa daan kung saan nagtatakbo ang dalawang bata pero wala na sila roon.

"We don't know what someone is going through so we have to be nice." I said.

"Simple gesture of kindness could change someone's day." I added.

Then I glanced at him again. "Kaya dapat hindi ka suplado!" Biro ko.

"You can be my teacher on that subject." He smirked.

I roll my eyes at him but realized that kindness can be taught. We all can learn to be kind if we choose to.