Entry 14

After that encounter with Felix on the grandstand, that wasn't the last. Hindi ko alam kung trip ba ako ngayon ng mundo o ano pero sinakto niya pa talagang paasahin ulit ako ngayong dapat ay mas importante akong dapat pagtuonan ng pansin. Nasundan ang pagtatagpo naming dalawa ni Felix kinabukasan ng tanghali nang yakagin ako ng batchmate ko na kumain sa labas ng campus.

Anton is ordering our food when Felix went inside the shop. Mag-isa lang siya at bago pa man din niya masuyod ang kabuuan ng shop ay dumapo na ang kaniyang mga mata kung nasaan ako.

I instinctively straightened myself on my seat dahil bagsak ang dalawa kong balikat na nakasandal sa likod ng silya. Wala naman talaga ako sa mood na paunlakan ang pagyayakag sa'kin ni Anton na kumain dito pero dahil ayoko namang magmukhang suplada ay pumayag na ako. But now that I can see Felix from where I am, this isn't unfortunate situation at all.

"Here,"

Bumalik si Anton sa lamesa dala ang pagkain namin at siya na ang nag-ayos no'n sa lamesa. I bit my lower lip and lifted my eyes again to see Felix settling himself on the chair near the door. Nang tuluyan siyang makaupo ay nag-angat siya ng tingin. Our eyes met that I was, for seconds, lost if I will look away or not.

"Audrey,"

Napabaling ako kay Anton nang tawagin niya ang pangalan ko. Ilang segundong nawala sa isip ko na kasama ko siya dahil lang naka-eye contact ko si Felix. I groaned in my head and started eating my own food. Nagsimula na ring magbukas ng topic si Anton ngunit naglalakbay ang isip ko sa lalaking nasa gilid namin.

Habang nagsasalita si Anton ay pasimple kong sinulyapan si Felix at naabutan siyang matalim ang tingin sa'kin. Napasinghap ako at napatuwid muli sa pagkakaupo. I drank on my water and settled my eyes on the other things.

"For sure it won't be hard for you to find a place for your OJT. I mean you're the de Ayala's heiress."

Sa gilid ng aking mga mata ay nakita kong tumayo si Felix at nagsimulang maglakad. Sinundan ko siya ng tingin hanggang sa makalapit siya sa cashier at umorder siya ng sariling pagkain. I don't know but I watched him as he get his wallet on his pocket and the way he gave the 500 pesos to the girl.

"Audrey,"

I looked again at Anton and nodded. Narinig ko ang sinasabi niya pero dahil kay Felix nakatuon ang atensiyon ko ay nakalimutan kong sumagot sa kaniya. Anton chuckled that made my forehead creased.

May nakakatawa ba?

"Sabi ng kaibigan ko na kaklase mo ay madaldal ka. But being with you right now, parang hindi naman." He smiled like a boy.

I awkwardly smiled. Guwapo siya at matipuno. Matangkad rin at dinig ko ay matalino. But I'm not just really in the mood to be interested with someone right now.

"Sir, sukli n'yo po!"

Muli akong nag-angat ng tingin upang makita si Felix na nakatingin sa'kin habang hawak niya ang tray na naglalaman ng kaniyang pagkain. I swallowed hard when he turned around to get his change from the cashier.

I can literally feel something going wild inside my stomach and the thud in my heart still feels the same way. Halos malaglag ko ang sariling kubyertos nang muli siyang humarap sa'kin at nagpatuloy siya sa paglalakad pabalik sa kaniyang upuan.

"Felix." Anton spoke.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko at agad na-guilty dahil napansin niya kung nasaan ang atensiyon ko. I wanted to apologize but I also don't want to give him mixed signals. He's a nice guy with a pretty face, but I'm not interested to him. And I'm going to lie for the second time kung sasabihin kong hindi ako interesado sa isang tao. Dahil hanggang ngayon, amidst all that everything going on in my life, I still find myself deeply into Felix.

Sa nagdaang araw ay hindi ko masyadong inisip ang ginawa niyang pag-comfort sa'kin noong makita niya akong umiiyak. But last night, I even barely slept for different reason. I thought all over again about how he hugged me that night and comforted me as I cry. Naalala ko kung paano niya ako hinatid sa cafe at sinabihang mag-ingat ako pauwi. And how he was worried about me being attacked by Charice. No matter how much I wanted to keep the ice pack he gave me, I was really in need to fix my face yesterday upang hindi mapansin nila Ate ang pamumula ng aking pisngi. I'm late at reacting but I find peace thinking about those moments. Pakiramdam ko ay bumalik sa normal ang buhay ko simula noong muli akong nahumaling kay Felix.

"You still like him?" Anton probed without looking at me.

Hindi ako sumagot dahilan kung bakit hindi nasundan ang tanong niya. Nanatiling tahimik ang atmospera sa pagitan naming dalawa hanggang sa natapos kaming kumain. Hanggang sa paglalakad pabalik sa campus ay hindi niya ako kinakausap. And I can't even make myself speak even a word.

I played with my tongue and unconsciously looked back. My irises went wide when I saw Felix walking behind us. Ilang dipa lang ang layo niya sa'min. To my shock, I have to return my eyes in front and think.

He's walking? It's not that it's not normal, but Felix is walking? In this afternoon?

Muli akong lumingon at nanatiling ganoon kalayo ang agwat niya sa'min. Against the bright rays of the sun, I can clearly see how his thick eyebrows are meeting each other. His lips in grim line and his face are still never in the mood. Wala siyang dalang bag at nasa loob ng pants pocket niya ang dalawang kamay.

Ibinalik ko ang atensiyon sa daan at muntik pa akong mabangga sa lamp post kung hindi ko tinanggal ang tingin kay Felix.

But why is he walking? Nasaan ang sasakyan niya?

I gritted my teeth to suppress a smile dahil nakakabuo na naman ang utak ko ng mga bagay na hindi ko dapat iniisip dahil pinapaasa ko lang ang aking sarili.

But, in any miracle, would it be possible for him to stalk me?

Umiling ako sa sariling naiisip. Imposible!

"Ah!" I groaned when Anton suddenly stopped and my forehead hits his chest.

Umatras siya sa'kin habang hinahawakan ko ang aking noo. I lifted my eyes to see him looking at someone behind me. Bumagsak ang dalawa kong balikat dahil kilala ko kung sino ang tinitignan niya.

"Hindi na kita mahahatid, Audrey. I have things to do in the..." he paused to think for an excuse.

Umiling agad ako dahil hindi niya naman kailangan akong ihatid.

"It's fine. Ingat ka." Agap ko.

Nagkamot siya ng batok at tumango bago ako tinalikuran. He started walking towards the other direction as I watched him disappearing in my sight. Tinanggal ko ang palad sa'king noo at humakbang ng isang beses para lamang huminto agad.

The two half of my brain is fighting whether to turn around to see Felix or ignore him and just continue my walk. I stepped forward once just to turn around in the end. I faced Felix and saw him nearing me. Kumalabog ng husto ang puso ko na pakiramdam ko ay tatraydurin ako nito at tatalon palabas ng aking ribcage.

I swallowed hard the imaginary lump forming in my throat and lifted my chin to bravely face him. He stopped walking when he's two feet apart from me.

"Sinusundan mo ba ako?" I snapped.

Nakita ko kung paano tumaas ang kaniyang kilay na para bang inaasar ako. But I'm not sure about my assumption because his face remained emotionless. Tinanggal niya ang kamay sa kaniyang bulsa at kaswal na tumayo sa aking harapan. Nangangalay na akong tumingala dahil sa tangkad niya pero wala naman akong ibang choice.

"Your new suitor?" He spoke... asked?

Noong una ay hindi ko naintindihan ang sinabi niya hanggang sa unti-unti kong naprosesong nagtatanong siya. I bit my tongue to stop myself from smiling like an idiot. Iniisip niyang manliligaw ko si Anton.

"Sino? Ikaw? Kung ang pagsusunod-sunod mo ay nagpapahiwatig na nanliligaw ka sa'kin... siguro." I joked without smiling.

I waited for his reaction to what I said but like I expected, he gave me nothing. Gusto kong umirap dahil ang hirap niyang basahin. Hindi ko alam kung masaya ba siya o naiinis sa mga sinasabi ko.

"Joke lang-"

"Lagi mong sinasabi na ako ang gusto mo pero lagi kang may bagong boyfriend."

He said it unemotionally pero hindi ko alam kung bakit nagtunog nagseselos iyon sa pandinig ko. My eyes went wide and wilder with the thought of what he said.

"What!" Natatawa kong sagot.

Ramdam ko ang pamumula ng aking pisngi na pakiramdam ko ay mukha na akong kamatis ngayon. I suddenly feel hot, opposite to the weather today.

Umiling siya at umambang maglalakad upang malagpasan ako pero hinarangan ko siya.

"Sad boy! Huwag mo akong pinapaasa! Hindi ko tinanggap ang sampal ng Charice na 'yun para lang paasahin mo ulit ako!" The words came out unpractised but I don't care.

Kumunot ang noo niya sa sinabi ko at alam kong nakuha ko ang kaniyang atensiyon dahil do'n.

"You let her slap you because of me." It's a statement, not a question.

Umiling ako. "Nope. Hindi lang ako nakailag kasi hindi ko naman expected na sasampalin niya ako."

"You won't sacrifice yourself to be hurt just because of me, Audrey." Mariin niyang sambit sa mga kataga.

I was a minute lost for words when I saw how the fire of anger burns in his eyes. He's mad.

"I won't. Never." Sagot ko nang makabawi.

"Pero hindi ibigsabihin no'n na hindi ko kayang lumaban sa iba mong babae." I added.

I saw how his expression changed from being mad to being amused. I smirked when he did that expression. Finally, a pleasing reaction!

"I'm going." Aniya at tuluyan na akong nilagpasan pero nakita ko ang multo ng ngisi sa kaniyang labi.

Mabilis akong tumalikod at hinabol siya. Kahit pa mahaba ang kaniyang mga biyas ay runner naman ako kaya hindi mahirap na habulin siya.

"You smiled! Napasaya kita! Dito ka na sa buhay ko, ano?!" I said energetically na pakiramdam ko ay naging high school ulit ako.

I can see how he's trying to get rid of the smirk off his face but he can't. Mas lalong lumapad ang ngiti ko at hinarangan siya ng daan upang pansinin niya ako. Nagseryoso siya nang binagsak niya ang mga mata sa'kin at naghahamon akong tinignan. I shot my eyebrow as well.

He shook his head and diligently hold my arms to move me from the other side at upang makapagtuloy siya sa paglalakad. Hindi agad ako nakagalaw dahil hindi agad nawala ang pakiramdam ng kamay ni Felix na humawak sa dalawa kong braso. I blinked twice and smiled widely.

Tumatalon akong naglakad ng mabilis at hinabol si Felix. I looked at him while smiling but he's trying to conceal a smile from his face. Ngumiwi ako at tahimik na lamang siyang sinabayan sa paglalakad kahit marami akong gustong sabihin at itanong.

Hindi niya nilinaw kung nagseselos siya at kung gusto niya na ba ako, but one thing I'm sure of is he doesn't hate me.

"Sa library ka pupunta?" Tanong ko nang mapansin na sa daan papuntang library kami dumiretso.

He only nodded. Mabuti na lang dala ko ang aking bag kaya sumunod ako sa kaniya hanggang library. Sa madalas na palapag pa rin ng library siya pumapasok. I looked around when I noticed that the library is a bit crowded today.

"I'm going to finish my plates here."

And for the second time today, my forehead hit the iron clad chest of Felix. I felt a calloused hand touching my forehead that I, for second, didn't want to lift my head. But I want to see his face. Hindi ko alam na may ihuhulog pa pala ako kay Felix. Akala ko ay bentang-benta na ako sa pagkakahulog sa kaniya pero ngayon, naghukay pa ulit ako para lang tumalon papunta sa kaniya.

"Tumingin ka nga sa dinadaanan mo." Suplado niyang paalala at inayos ang buhok ko bago siya tuluyang pumili ng bakanteng lamesa.

Naningkit ang aking mga mata at ngumisi. It felt weird now that I can't stop smiling. Nang dumapo ang tingin ko sa paligid ay nakita ko kung paano ako tignan ng dalawang babae na nagtatago sa shelf. I bit my lower lip and followed Felix. I sat next to him.

"I'm going to occupy the whole table." Nilingon niya ako at naabutan akong nakatitig na sa kaniya.

Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa labi niyang nakaawang dahil hindi niya natuloy ang kasunod niyang dapat sasabihin. His lips are cherry red and wet. I felt my body reacted the reason why I have to look away. I wonder if he's a good kisser.

Obviously! Damn, those lips! I won't lie that there are frequent days in the past I imagined him kissing me or me kissing him. He screams masculinity and viciousness. The only thing soft left on his feature is his lips. And the way how his lower lip is so full, it felt like heaven really thought of giving that kind of lips to him because they know it will perfectly fit him.

"Hindi ako mangungulit." Sagot ko nang makabawi sa paghaharumentado ng aking puso.

"I didn't say that. And I don't mind." He said it casually and just enough for me to hear.

I look at him with, still, my surprised eyes. I don't know but he's different today. He's different last last day, he was different yesterday, and he's much different today than the other days. Did heaven finally hear my prayers?

"You're different today." I finally uttered.

He only looked at me for a minute before he shrugged. Nilapag niya ang isang malapad na papel sa lamesa na kinuha niya kanina sa kaniyang sasakyan dahil naka-park iyon malapit dito sa library. Naglabas din siya ng mga lapis at iba't-ibang sizes ng ruler. I crossed my arms on the table and rested my chin on them.

I stared at him with transparent admiration in my eyes. Alam kong iyon ang makikita ng ibang tao sa mga mata ko kung makita nila akong pinapanood siya. He turned ten times handsome and stern when he focused himself doing his work. It's not my first time to watch him doing his plates, and never I had faltered admiring him for how passionate and hard-working he is. But today is different.

Noon, sa malayo ko lang siya pinapanood. Ngayon, nasa tabi niya ako at malinaw kong nakikita ang pangarap sa mga mata niya. I can see on his face how passionate and determine he is to do his best for his work.

I wonder what he wants to become.

"What do you want to become?" I asked out of boredom and curiosity.

He glanced at me at first. The next time he looked at me, he fixated his eyes on me. Pumungay ang aking mga mata habang pinagmamasdan siyang nakatitig sa'kin. I found peace in his eyes.

"I want to work on a ship." He answered after a while.

Ibinalik niya ang atensiyon sa ginagawa habang naiwan akong namamangha sa sagot niya. Does it mean na pagka-graduate niya ay sasakay na siya ng barko? I mentally counted the remaining months before his graduation. A bigger part of my heart is celebrating in joy because he'll finally be out of college. But something inside it screams longingness.

I don't know how long will it take for me to forget my feelings for him. O darating ba ang araw na makakalimutan ko siya. I sighed and discarded the thoughts.

"Why?"

Napakurap ako at muling luminaw ang mukha niya sa paningin ko. I forced a smile when I saw him curiously looking down at me.

"Nothing," that was almost a whisper.

Hindi niya agad pinutol ang titig sa'kin bago niya ibinalik ang tingin sa cartolina. I let my eyes survey his perfectly sculpted face. Favorite siguro siya ni Lord kasi walang kapintasan ang mukha niya. His thick eyebrows that everyone envies, his pointed noise, his kissable red lips, and his jawline that give him the best side angle.

"Ang gwapo mo talaga," I voiced out and my eyes went down to his adam's apple.

It's so hot and sexy.

"Sobrang gwapo mo. I think I like you. So much."

Nakita kong natigil siya sa pag-amba niyang pagguhit ng kung ano sa cartolina dahil sa sinabi ko pero inignora niya ako at nagpatuloy. I smiled.

I know I can never have the power to control time, but I can chase it; and I can make time the best for me, at least. I want to be stubborn. I want to be selfish. I want to make my life normal again. I want to be happy. Maybe I can think about my family issues while I still find happiness in some things... can't that be alright? Because the moment I saw Felix, and every time the thought of him crossed my mind, I feel like my life's normal again— that I'm still the same Audrey who loves cheering for him on the bleachers even though he ignores me. The Audrey who stalks him to the library just to get mad because of the other girls trying to flirt with him. The only difference is that I made a progress with him now. And that can be considered the first best thing that happened after everything.

"Hi, Felix! Patapos ka na rin ba sa plates mo? Sabay tayo gumawa para sabay na rin tayong magpasa mamaya."

I almost rolled my eyes after hearing that familiar nakakairitang voice. Tamad akong umayos sa pagkakaupo at nag-angat ng tingin para makita si Charice na nakatingin lamang kay Felix. She's at it again. Acting like she can't see me. I finally rolled my eyes.

"Patapos na ako. And I'm with Audrey. I'll help her with her assignment after this."

For the nth time on this day, my eyes went wide from what I heard from him. I looked at him just to see him saying it very casually. I bit my lower lip to conceal a victory smile and glanced at Charice. Nakita ko ang pagdaan ng inis sa mukha niya nang sulyapan ako.

I shot my eyebrow up at her and wave my hand at her a little. Her sharp eyes almost penetrated through me if I just don't find her facial expression ridiculous. Without a word, she turned around and got lost with the shelf. Hindi ko na napigilan at tumawa ako.

"So, anong assignment ko ang tutulungan mo ako?" I turned to Felix again to ask that using my flirty voice.

He only smirked at me darkly.

I realized that after all the pains he caused me, I just can instantly forget all about those when he accepted my feelings. The feelings I have for him is very powerful that it makes me feel alive. Too powerful that I found a reason to continue whenever I'm with him. Noon pa man ay iyon na ang pinaramdam niya sa'kin. He's the reason why I stayed here. He became my new dream— that no matter how I tried to forget him, it's just too impossible because I know that my heart won't even try. The intensity of my love can't be compared to the love that other people define... because mine is the one that no one can accept; it's the kind of love that people will think of as toxic. But that's love... a consuming love. A love that can accept all the flaws, forget all the pains, and surrender everything you have, but find hope and happiness in every single thing about that person. People say it's a stupid love, but they'll never know because they have no idea how can someone possibly makes you feel alive after being dead for a long time.

I questioned if happy ever after still exists after what happened to Dad and Mom. But everyone has a different storyline. And I don't think Felix will become like my father.

"Ihahatid kita mamaya sa cafe. Wait for me in your department." He said without looking at me.

Hindi ako makapaniwala na sa ilang araw lang ay biglang nagbago ang trato niya sa'kin. But all these unexpected things from him came perfectly at the right time.

"Hindi na ako nagtatrabaho sa cafe." I informed him.

Napatingin siya sa'kin at kalaunan ay tumango. Mabuti na lang at hindi siya nagtanong dahil hindi ko alam ang isasagot. It's already enough for me to find peace in his presence; I don't want to be a burden to him by telling him what's going on in my life. He accepted me for not knowing I'm at my worst now, and I do think he doesn't pity me. Iyon ang gusto kong maramdaman mula sa kaniya. Ayokong maramdaman na kaya siya ganito sa'kin ngayon ay dahil lang naaawa siya sa'kin.

When the clock hits one ay sinikop na ni Felix ang kaniyang mga gamit at hinatid niya ako sa'ming department. Bago ako bumaba ng kaniyang sasakyan ay hiningi niya ang numero ko kaya naman hiningi ko rin ang kaniya. The reason why when I got home, I quickly took a selfie and sent it to him with the caption: 'Got home!'

Pumunta ako sa study dahil sinabi sa'kin ni Manang na naroon ang mga kapatid ko. I found Kuya Andre and Ate on their tables working on something. Parehas silang seryoso at nakatuon ang atensiyon sa ginagawa na hindi nila napansin ang pagpasok ko. They are currently working from home dahil sa kalagayan ni Mommy. And I'm glad that they are okay with each other again. Sana lang ay hindi na maulit ang pag-aaway nila. Sa mga panahong ito, kailangan naming magtulungan para kay Mommy at para maisalba ang pamilyang sinira ni Daddy.

Lumabas ako ng study at dumiretso sa'king kwarto. I took a quick warm shower and changed my clothes. Habang papunta ako sa kwarto ni Mommy ay tumunog ang cellphone ko. I quickly opened Felix's message just to be disappointed for his reply.

Felix: Okay.

Okay? Pang-matanda ang reply niya!

Ngumuso ako at pumasok sa loob ng kwarto nila Mommy. I found Ablyne coloring on his coloring book while Mom is beside her. Nang makita ako ni Mommy ay ngumiti lang siya sa'kin. I kissed their cheeks and settled myself on the couch to watch them.

I checked my phone again to see if there is any message from him again but there was none. Binuksan ko na lang ang twitter ko at bumungad sa'kin ang tweet ni Charice na "Manipulative."

"Tss."

Alam ko namang ako ang pinapatamaan niya sa tweet pero pakialam ko sa kaniya. I rolled my eyes and sent the screenshot of Charice's tweet to Felix. And I spent the next hours of the night talking to him about it.

Felix:

I don't like her.

Gusto kong magtatalon at i-tweet ang sinabing iyon ni Felix para isampal sa mukha ni Charice pero hindi ko ginawa.

Ako:

Alam ko. Ako lang naman ang gusto mo.

He replied quickly but to my dismay again, it was a laughing emoticon.

Seriously?

Felix:

Stop wasting your time staring at your phone. Go and work on your assignments.

Ako:

Sabi mo tutulungan mo 'ko.

Felix:

Send me the picture. I'll see what I can do.

Ngumisi ako at tuluyan nang nahiga sa couch. I feel like a teenager. Well, practically, I'm a teenager.

Ako:

Charot lang. Baka isipin mo tamad ang future wife mo.

Felix:

Haha.

Ngumiwi ako sa mga sagot niya sa'king banat. Pangit kabonding.

"Ate AJ! Look at my colors!"

Ablyne went to me and showed me her coloring book.

"You promised to me that we're going to Mall this weekend, Ate AJ." She pouted cutely.

At doon ko lang naalala na may utang nga pala akong gala sa kapatid ko.