Entry 12

It still can't sink in to me. Hindi pa rin ako makapaniwala na nagawa niya kaming iwan. I don't want to believe that the sun will rise again tomorrow without Dad in our house... that there will be no following days that I can call that this family is what I've been dreamed of. What is a home without a father? What is a family without him?

I bit my lower lip to suppress my sob. I closed my eyes tightly and call whoever can hear me. I grew up thinking that my parents' love is no like other; that it is one of a kind. And I once wished to have a love like them. I dreamt of meeting someone like my father. People call me hopeless romantic for believing in love at this age and for chasing someone who doesn't like me back. But I was like that because I always believe in the power of love. I always believe that real love doesn't have a specific date of when it will come into our lives, it will just happen.

But I didn't expect that love could end. I thought it was forever... a lifetime until another lifetime. I once believed that love is immortal, it has no expiration date, no limitations. But watching my life turn, maybe I was wrong. Maybe like what other people say about me, I'm too naive to know the flaws of love. It's not always perfect... and it's not always right. Sometimes, it breaks us.

Pero gusto kong magtanong... bakit kay Mommy at Daddy pa? Bakit sa'ming pamilya pa?

Marahan kong tinulak ang pintuan ng aking kwarto at naglakad sa hallway ng pangalawang palapag ng mansion. I woke up early this morning but I left a message to my adviser na hindi ako makakapasok ngayon dahil pakiramdam ko ay hindi ko rin kakayaning humarap sa iba pagkatapos ng nangyari sa pamilya ko. And I'm still worried about my mother. Sa mga panahong ito ay kailangan niya kami.

"I can't believe that Dad really chose to leave us. We're his children."

Narinig ko ang boses ni Ate nang mapadaan ako sa balkonahe. Dahan-dahan akong bumalik sa dinaanan at nadatnan si Ate at Kuya na nakaharap sa barandilya at nag-uusap. I looked at Kuya Andre who didn't spoke. He remained staring in front, emotionless. Alam kong sa likod ng walang emosyon niyang mukha ay nag-uumapaw rin ang mga emosyon niya. I just don't have an idea whether anger is all he has now after what father did.

"Ate, Kuya," I called them.

Mabilis akong hinarap ni Ate samantalang hindi ako nilingon ni Kuya.

"Why aren't you still dressed? Wala ka bang pasok ngayon?" Bakas ang pagod sa boses ni Ate.

Umiling ako. "I'll be absent today-"

"Go to school, Audrey. If you're worried about Mom, we can look after her." Mariing singit ni Kuya.

"Just for this day, Kuya. Gusto kong bantayan si Mommy. After what happened last night, I'm very worried about her now."

Tumango si Ate at binalingan si Kuya. "Andre,"

"I know." Galit na sagot ni Kuya na hindi ko naintindihan.

Huminga ako ng malalim. Kagabi ko pa iniisip kung sino ang maaaring sinamahan ni Daddy dahil hindi ko man lang napansin na nangangaliwa siya kay Mommy. My heart breaks with just the thought of it. I never really thought even just once in my life that this kind of day will come. I always picture myself with a perfect family with unbreakable bond.

"Who is Dad's mistress?" I asked against the silence.

Nakita ko ang mariing pag-igting ng panga ni Kuya at ang pagkuyom niya sa kaniyang mga kamao. Lumapit ako sa kaniya at hinawakan siya sa braso.

"Tito Lapid said that he saw Dad one time in the Mall with a woman, probably at my age. Siya ang nagsabi kay Mommy na bantayan ang kilos ni Daddy." He answered with controlled anger.

Nanlaki ang aking mga mata. I can't believe it. "Your age? Hindi papatol si Daddy sa bata!" I exclaimed.

"Hindi mo pa rin ba matanggap na iniwan tayo ni Daddy? As much as I don't want you hurt, AJ, but you should open your eyes. Our father is not a God. He's just a man with poor mind and taste." Galit akong binalingan ni Kuya.

Umatras ako dahil sa takot nang makita ang mga mata ni Kuya. Hinawakan ni Ate ang aking kamay at hinila ako palapit sa kaniya.

"Andre, this is our sister." Banta ni Ate.

Kuya groaned and faced me again. "I'm sorry, AJ."

He's strict but I've never seen him this angry. Pinanood ko ang kapatid kung paano niya kinalma ang sarili. Muli na namang nangilid ang luha sa aking mga mata. I swallowed the lump in my throat as I try to speak again.

"Hindi ko pinagtatanggol si Daddy, Kuya. I just can't believe that he really left us for someone else." Pumiyok ang aking boses ngunit pinigilan ko ang sariling umiyak sa kanilang harapan.

Muli akong binalingan ni Kuya. Namumula ang kaniyang mga mata at dahil porselana ang kaniyang kulay ay halata rin ang pamumula sa kaniyang mukha dahil sa galit.

"From now on, I don't want to hear you calling him 'Dad'-"

"Andre!" Pumagitna sa'min si Ate at hinarap ang kapatid naming hindi ko na rin halos makilala dahil sa galit.

"What?! Do you still want to call that asshole your father?! Ate, didn't you realize how big our responsibility now that he left us?!"

"Kaya nga ako nandito, 'diba? Tutulungan kita! Magtutulungan tayo!"

"That's not my point! Ang gusto ko ay kalimutan nating lahat na ama natin siya!"

Tuluyan nang bumuhos ang aking luha dahil sa kanilang pagtatalo. I understand where Kuya is coming from but forgetting that he is our father is just too much. I know he's just angry but this is too much. I never thought that anger could actually turn us into someone we are scared of.

"Kuya, Ate, huwag kayong mag-away..." garalgal kong untag.

"Andre, calm your self. Mom is there. Sa'ting lahat alam mong siya ang pinaka-naaapektuhan. If you're going to be just mad about everything that includes Dad, pati kami ay dinadamay mo! God! Fucking grow up!"

"Ate," inawat ko si Ate dahil pati siya ay nagsisimula na ring mainis para sa'ming kapatid.

"That's it. Now it shows that you still think of me as someone who never grew at all. Ang lakas mong sabihin sa'kin na kaya ko 'to then you're going to demand to me that I need to fucking grow up?!"

Lumuwag ang hawak sa'kin ni Ate at bigla'y pumungay ang kaniyang mga mata. Pilit niyang kinalma ang sarili.

"I'm sorry. It's not what I meant, Andre. Ate mo ako, I will help you. But please, control your anger."

"Kuya, we need you," I uttered with a shaking voice.

His eyes met mine and I saw how his expression changed when he saw me crying. Pumikit siya ng mariin at hinila ako palapit sa kaniya upang mayakap. Humagulgol ako sa kaniyang dibdib. I've seen them fight before when we were younger. Magkaiba lagi ang kanilang opinyon at istrikto si Ate pagdating kay Kuya. But their fight that I just witnessed is very new to me... it's unusual.

"I'm sorry," he apologized and I felt his lips touch my hair.

"We already lost our father... we need to be in this all together. Huwag na kayong mag-away ni Ate."

"AJ," I heard my Ate speak behind me.

"I'm sorry." She said and I felt her join us in embracing.

Pumikit ako ng mariin at hinawakan ang kamay ni Ate na yumakap sa'ming dalawa ni Kuya. I can't believe that we lose our father, but losing both of my older siblings, I can't let that happen. Kami na lang ang mayroon si Mommy.

"Mommy needs us, so please... stop fighting," I added.

Iniwan ko ang dalawa kong kapatid sa balkonahe at hinayaan silang mag-usap ng pribado. I just wish that they don't start fighting again. Huminga ako ng malalim at inayos ang sarili bago kumatok sa kwarto ni Mommy. No one answered kaya binuksan ko na ang pintuan.

Bumungad sa'kin ang bakanteng kama kaya agad kong inikot ang paningin sa buong paligid. Nakahinga ako ng maluwag nang makitang nasa silya siya nakaupo. I went to her and squatted to level our eyes. Pagod ang kaniyang mga mata nang ibaling sa'kin ang tingin. Ramdam ko ang pamimilipit ng mga ugat sa'king dibdib dahil sa nakikitang emosyon sa mukha ng magulang.

"How's your sleep?" I asked softly.

She only stared at me blankly. Dahan-dahan niyang tinaas ang kaniyang kamay at marahang hinaplos ang aking buhok. Pinigilan ko ang sarili na bumulalas ng iyak dahil ayokong makita niya akong nasasaktan. I never wanted to hate my father. Noon lagi kong iniisip na perpektong Ama si Daddy. But now seeing my mother like this, all I want to do now is to scream my father's name and blame him for everything.

"You didn't go to school?" Malumanay niyang tanong, bakas ang pagod sa boses.

I forced a smile and shook my head.

"Why?" She added as her fingers caressed my cheeks.

Sa'ming lahat na magkakapatid, alam ni Mommy na ako ang pinakamalapit kay Daddy. She knows that I grew up thinking that love is always like them. It's hard when you grew up being too close to your father and suddenly you will went on hating him for what he did later on.

"I'm sorry," mahina niyang sambit.

Marahas kong pinalis ang luhang traydor na lumandas sa'king pisngi at paulit-ulit na umiling.

"I know how much you love your father-"

"Let's not talk about him, Mom. Bumaba na tayo. You need to eat."

Hininto niya ang paghaplos sa'king pisngi at iniwas ang tingin sa'kin. Sinundan ko ang kaniyang mga mata ngunit mariin siyang pumikit at parang gripo na bumuhos ang kaniyang mga luha. Mabilis akong tumayo at niyakap ang magulang. Tumingala ako upang mapigilan ang sarili na umiyak katulad niya.

"Mom," garalgal ang boses kong tawag sa kaniyang pangalan.

"I just don't get it, honey. " Malabo niyang isinatinig ngunit malinaw kong narinig.

I gritted my teeth and hugged her tighter. Hindi ko rin maintindihan kung bakit kailangan kaming iwan ni Daddy at sumama siya sa iba. Is Mom not enough? Are we not enough? If the love is gone, isn't this family enough reason for him to stay? At the back of my mind, I want to hear my father's side first, nang baka sa gano'n ay baka maintindihan ko siya. But a bigger part of me knows that there is no acceptable reason for me to forgive him.

Kung hindi niya na mahal si Mommy, paano naman kami? Gaano kahalaga ang bago niya para pati kaming mga anak niya ay ibasura niya? It's just so unacceptable. It's like he forgot being a father because of whoever that whore is.

Narinig ko ang pagbukas ng pintuan at mabilis na nag-martsa si Ate palapit sa'min. Tumayo ako at pinanood kung paano inalo ni Ate ang aming magulang. Lumabas ako ng kwarto dahil hindi ko kayang makitang ganoon si Mommy. Katulad kagabi ay nagsimula siyang maghisterikal sa pag-iyak.

"Ate AJ!" Ablyne's innocent face welcomed me at the dining area.

I smiled faintly at her and joined her on the table. Wala si kuya sa hapag at wala akong ideya kung umalis ba siya o nasa kwarto niya. Ibinaling ko ang atensiyon sa nakababatang kapatid. Tahimik lamang siyang kumakain at minsan ay tumitingin sa'kin at ngingiti ng malapad.

"Ate, pwede mo 'ko ulit bilhan no'ng binili mo sa'kin?" Excited niyang tanong pagkatapos niyang malunok ang kinakain.

Sa lahat ng nangyayari sa buhay namin ngayon, her innocent and genuine smile is the only thing that could light me up.

"Sure. I'll bring you with me this weekend or next weekend. Gusto mo bang mamasyal sa Mall?"

Nanlaki ang kaniyang singkit na mga mata at tumango. "Isama natin si Mommy! Last night I heard her crying." She pouted at the last sentence.

Lumapit ako sa kaniya at hinawakan ang kaniyang kamay. Kumunot ang kaniyang noo dahil sa pagtataka. She's a smart kid but I don't think she's aware of what's really happening.

"Is she sad? May masakit ba kay Mommy? Should we bring her to the doctor?" Sunod-sunod niyang tanong.

Kinagat ko ang aking pang-ibabang labi at umiling. "Mom's not sick..." I trailed off dahil hindi ko alam kung anong isusunod na sasabihin.

"Mom is sad because you're not around her." Kuya's voice echoed.

Nag-angat ako ng tingin at natanaw si Kuya Andre na naglalakad palapit sa'min. Tumabi siya kay Ablyne na agad namang ibinigay ng bunso naming kapatid ang atensiyon sa kaniya.

"But I have to go to school today, Kuya. And isn't Mom has to go to her work, too?"

"Mom took a leave. So, pagkatapos mong mag-school, nandito na lagi si Mommy. You like that?"

Ablyne glanced at me. "Is that true?"

Ngumiti ako at tumango. She smiled widely and turned again at our brother.

"Si Mommy na lang po ang maghatid sa'kin sa school!"

"Si Kuya muna ang maghahatid sa'yo, baby." Ate appeared as well in the room.

She looked at me. "Finish your food, AJ. Pupunta tayo kina Tito Lapid."

"Tito Lapid? Can I come? I want to play with Kayden!" Singit ni Ablyne nang marinig ang sinabi ni Ate.

Nilapitan siya ni Ate at kinausap. I was wondering what are we gonna do in Tito Lapid's pero sinunod ko na lang si Ate. Pagkatapos kong kumain ay nagbihis lamang ako ng kaswal na damit at sumunod sa sasakyan ni Ate.

"Mom's not listening to us. Dinalhan ko siya ng pagkain pero ayaw niyang pansinin." She said as she starts to manouver the car.

"Pagkatapos niyang umiyak kanina ay bigla na lang siyang hindi nagsalita at tulala na lang." Bakas ang pag-aalala sa boses niya.

Naguguluhan ko siyang binalingan. "What do you mean? At sinong magbabantay kay Mommy? Ihahatid ni Kuya si Ablyne-"

"Si Yaya muna ang maghahatid kay Ablyne. Andre will look after Mom. I just don't know what to do... at wala akong ibang pwedeng lapitan kundi si Tito Lapid."

"What exactly happened-"

"Mom is overwhelmed by all of these sudden circumstances, AJ. She's hysterical whenever she cries. And she doesn't want to eat. I'm not a professional to handle all these and I'm worried sick that she might experience depression. You know Mom, she loves Daddy with all her life. Now that he's gone... I'm very worried... and scared."

Umawang ang aking labi dahil sa naririnig mula sa kaniya. "Did you know about Dad?"

"No. Noong isang linggo ay napapansin ko si Mommy na laging tulala sa pool area. I never paid attention to it because I thought she was just sparing time. Until last night... before you came back home, I saw how she tried to break everything. You can call me overreacting but I'm worried about our mother, AJ."

Hindi ako nakaimik at unti-unti pa ring pinoproseso ang kaniyang sinabi.

"Do you think Mom is experiencing mild depression?" Maingat kong tanong.

"I don't know. I just hope not. Sana lang ay pagkatapos ng ilang araw ay bumalik siya sa normal pero mukhang malabo iyon. Like what I said, she loves Daddy with all her life. You've seen it."

Tumango at ibinaling ang tingin sa labas. Ramdam ko ang paninikip ng aking dibdib dahilan para bahagya akong mahirapang huminga. I've witnessed how they shared their love since I was a kid. And all these time, akala ko parehas ang pagmamahal nila sa isa't-isa. But I was wrong. Mom loves our father with all of her, while Dad can easily turn his back on her for another woman.

I don't know how someone you love could break you. Hindi ko eksaktong alam ang nararamdaman ngayon ni Mommy dahil malalim ang pagmamahal na mayroon siya kay Daddy. Gaano nakakasira ng pagkatao ang isang sitwasyon na hindi mo gustong mangyari?

I've felt pain and sadness when Felix rejected me. I shed many tears when I realized that he will never like me back. And I think I break many times when I learned that the feelings I have for him are no compared to the emotions I had before. Ganito rin ba ang nararamdaman ni Mommy? Or is it much worse than this?

Inihilig ko ang aking ulo sa head rest at wala sa sariling pinanood ang labas. Before, I always think that love is something you can explain. But now, I'm wondering what love really is and how it is so capable of turning us into someone we never thought we can be.

"Tito, Tita," Ate greeted Tito Lapid and Tita Katrina when we entered their house.

Bumeso ako kay Tita at nagmano kay Tito Lapid.

"I received your message, Anne. How's your mother?" Tanong ni Tito.

Umupo silang tatlo ngunit nanatili akong nakatayo at iniikot ang paningin sa buong paligid. Hindi ito ang unang apak ko sa mansion nila Tito Lapid but I still can't help but admire their home. Tito Lapid is the eldest in the Ochoa's. Siya ang nagtaguyod sa kanilang magkakapatid, kasama si Mommy bilang bunso nila. And I remember that they told us na nabili ni Tito Lapid ang mansion'g ito mula sa isang pumanaw nang Construction magnate.

The mansion was built during Spanish era. Nagkaroon lang ng iilang renovation kung kaya't kahit paano ay nagmukha nang moderno ang kabuuan. But if you will look in every detail, you'll notice that Tito Lapid still chose to keep some old interiors.

"You've seen your Dad?"

Bumalik ang atensiyon ko sa mga nakakatanda nang magsalita si Tita Katrina. Umupo ako sa tabi ni Ate at nakinig sa kanilang pag-uusap.

"No. Naabutan ko na lang po si Mommy na umiiyak sa hagdanan. Tito, you should talk to her. Baka makinig siya sa'yo."

Nagkatinginan si Tito Lapid at Tita Katrina bago sila tumango. They glanced at me.

"I heard from Kare that you're still on your part-time job, AJ. Resign from there. You should focus on your studies now that your father left. Kailangan ka ng Mommy mo."

Kinagat ko ang aking pang-ibabang labi. Isang beses na ring dumako sa isip ko ang bagay na iyon ngayong umaga. But now that Tito Lapid mentioned it loudly, siguro nga ay panahon na para iwan ko ang trabaho sa cafe.

Saglit na pag-uusap at nagpasya sila Tito na dumaan sa bahay. Tahimik kaming dalawa ni Ate sa sasakyan hanggang sa pagdating sa kwarto ni Mommy. She remained sitting on the chair and blankly staring at nowhere. Ni hindi siya kumukurap.

"Agatha," Tito called our mother.

Mom lifted an eye to us but she instantly ignored us too. Umatras ako at binigay kay Tito Lapid ang sapat na espasyo para makausap si Mommy.

"How are you?"

"Why are you here? I'm not sick!" Mom blurted out.

Binalingan ko si Ate na nanatiling pinapanood lamang ang dalawa. Pinigilan ko ang sarili na lumapit kay Mommy at aluin siya.

"Agatha, I know this is hard for you. Pero isipin mo ang mga anak mo."

Sa sinabing iyon ni Tito ay nag-angat ng ulo si Mommy sa'ming dalawa ni Ate. The door creaked open and it showed Kuya Andre. Matagal kaming tinitigan ni Mommy bago siya muling histerikal na umiyak. Both my siblings get alarmed by our mother's reaction that I don't know what to do to help.

I walked out from that scene and went outside to breathe a fresh air. Humawak ako sa barandilya ng balkonahe at pinilit na kinalma ang sarili. Maybe because I got used with this family being happy, hindi ko makuhang matanggap na ganito si Mommy ngayon. Hindi ko kayang makita siyang umiiyak at nasasaktan ng gano'n.

Alam kong maling takasan ang problema, ang isipin na parang normal ang lahat, pero iyon ang gusto kong mangyari dahil hindi pa ako handa sa ganitong pangyayari sa buhay ko. A pain caused by Felix is deep. But this? Pamilya ko 'to. Bukod sa malalim, nakakasira dahil hindi ko alam kung paano magpapatuloy sa buhay nang wala si Daddy sa buhay namin, nang ganito si Mommy.

"Audrey! Namiss kita!" Shiloh shouted when I entered our room and hugged me.

Umiling si Lily dahil sa naging reaksiyon ng kaibigan namin. I forced a smile and jokingly slapped my friend. Umupo ako sa gitna nila at hindi ko alam kung bakit tila sa isang araw kong pagliban ay maraming nagbago. I wander my eyes around the room and noticed that they remain the same. Kahit si Lily at Shiloh ay parehas pa rin akong kinukulit.

"Nilagnat ka ba kahapon? First time mo umabsent. Nandito si Felix kahapon kasama ng ibang engineering. Nagpa-survey lang." Daldal ni Shiloh.

Bumagsak ang tingin ko sa aking lamesa at huminga ng malalim. I barely slept last night dahil naririnig ko ang mga pag-iyak ni Mommy. Nakatulog naman siya ngunit nang mahimbing na kaming natutulog ay bigla kaming nakarinig nang nabasag sa ibaba. When we went to the living room, we saw her throwing away our family picture.

Habang pinagmamasdan ko si Kuya Andre na kinokontrol si Mommy at si Ate na hindi alam ang gagawin, pakiramdam ko ng mga oras na 'yon ay pinaparusahan ako ng mundo. Akala ko noon sa mga palabas lang nangyayari ang ganoong eksena pero nasaksihan ko iyon kagabi. And I don't like it. I want to turn back time and plead Dad to not turn his back on us because we need him. Without him, Mom is wrecked. Without him, we are incomplete.

"Audrey?" Shiloh called my name again.

I looked at them and smiled. Hindi ko alam ang sinasabi niya kanina kaya nagbukas ako ng bagong pag-uusapan. I tried to focus on the lecture no matter how the tiny little pieces of my brain wanted to think about what might be happening right now in the house.

Pagkatapos ng pang-umagang klase ay sumama ako kina Shiloh sa canteen. I ate even I feel like I have no appetite. Nginingitian ko ang mga bumabati sa'kin kahit wala doon ang buo kong atensiyon. I went with them in the library and did my activities. Sa buong maghapon ay nasa classroom lang kami. It was like that for three days. It looks normal, but it feels not.

And I didn't notice how fast the time passed by; of how those three days was already gone. Paglabas ko ng department ay kulay kahel na ang langit. Malamig na rin ang panahon dahil malapit na ang disyembre. Nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad habang iniisip kung dadaan pa ba ako sa bahay o didiretso na lang sa cafe.

Huminto ako nang malapit ako sa grandstand. I stare at the field. Tahimik at malinis ang oval, wala ring tao sa grandstand. Dinama ko ang paghaplos ng malamig na simoy ng hangin at pinakinggan ang sari-saring tunog na nanggagaling mula sa mga estudyante at sasakyan.

Tatlong araw na ang lumipas simula noong mas pinili kong takasan ang mga nangyayari sa bahay. Before, I always wait for the time I can come home. Pero ngayon, gusto ko na lang ubusin ang buong panahon ko dito at huwag munang umuwi.

Kinuha ko ang aking cellphone sa bag at ni-dial ang numero ni Daddy. I've been trying to reach on him but he's not answering. At hanggang ngayon ay umaasa ako na sagutin niya. Nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad at dahil dumidilim na ay kakaunti na lamang ang mga kasabay kong maglakad.

"Hello?"

My eyes widened hearing a woman's voice answer the call. I stopped walking and it took me a little while to process that my Dad's number was finally reached.

"Where's my Dad?" Matapang kong tanong.

I'm not dumb. Base pa lang sa boses ay alam ko nang ito ang babaeng sinamahan niya. Kinuyom ko ang aking kamao at ramdam ko ang pamumula ng aking mukha dahil sa umuusbong na galit.

"Oh? Hinahanap mo Daddy mo?" She mocked.

I gritted my teeth and closed my eyes tightly to calm myself.

"Nasaan si Daddy?" Muli kong tanong, binibigyan diin ang bawat kataga.

"Stop calling your Dad, kid. Umalis na siya kaya dapat hindi mo na siya hinahanap-"

"You whore! Give the phone to my father!" Hindi ko na napigilan at napasigaw ako.

Wala akong pakialam kung may ibang estudyante ang kuryuso akong tinignan dahil sa pagsigaw ko. How dare this woman! Bobo ba siya? Tanga?!

"Nagsha-shower ang Daddy mo. At pakisabi sa Mommy mo na sana maka-move on agad siya-"

"Fuck you! Give the phone to my father! I want to talk to him!" I screamed with all my heart.

Pinalis ko ang luhang naglandas dahil sa pinagsamang galit at dismaya. How come my father did to us? To me?

"He doesn't want to talk to you, kid! Ito ang una at huling beses mong mako-contact ulit siya. Study well, Audrey." And then the line went off.

"Malandi ka! Ibigay mo kay Daddy ang cellphone!" Habol kong sigaw pero tuluyan na akong pinatayan ng tawag ng babaeng 'yun.

Nagpupuyos ang aking dibdib na umalis sa'king kinatatayuan at malabo ang mga matang tinahak ang daan. Lumayo ako sa mga estudyante dahil patuloy na nanginginig ang aking mga kamay at hindi maawat ang mga luha ko. I can't believe it.

Kinusot ko ang aking mga mata at muling binuhay ang cellphone. I tried calling him again but it's already out of coverage. I groaned and aggressively removed my necklace. Binato ko ang kwintas na binigay sa'kin ni Daddy at wala na akong pakialam kung masira iyon at mawala.

"I hate you, Dad!" I screamed poignantly.

Ramdam ko ang panlalambot ng aking tuhod dahilan kung bakit napahawak ako sa posteng nasa gilid ko. Sinapo ko ang aking noo at paulit-ulit na huminga ng malalim upang kalmahin ang sarili.

A part of me wanted to hear his side. A part of me wanted to defend him if ever he'll comeback to us again. But now, all I wanted to do is to erase every bits of memory I have with him. Kung iiwan niya lang din pala kami ay sana hindi na lang niya pinaranas sa'min ang kumpletong pamilya. Anong gagawin ko ngayong hindi ko alam kung paano magpapatuloy nang wala siya? I love my father so much... I defended him, I supported him, I appreciated him, and I'm always beyond proud of him.

Why you turned out this way? Sa dinami-dami ng tao sa buong mundo, bakit kailangang siya pa ang magloko? Bakit kailangang mangyari sa'kin 'to?

"Daddy..." I cried.

I bit my lower lip to suppress a sob. Ayos lang sa'kin na iwan ako ng mga kaibigan ko, kahit hindi ako magustuhan ng taong gusto ko, 'wag lang akong iwan ng Daddy ko. Hindi ko kaya.

"Audrey?"

Marahas kong pinalis ang aking mga luha sa pisngi at inayos ang sarili. Ramdam ko ang pamumugto ng aking mga mata. Sa ilang araw na pinilit kong maging normal ulit ang buhay ko at huwag umiyak, ngayon ako sumabog.

"It's dark here."

I swallowed the lump on my throat and lifted my chin when I faced Felix. Sa boses pa lang ay alam ko nang siya iyon. Nasa gilid pa rin ako ng oval kung saan malapit ang iilang puno at lamp posts. Madilim sa parteng ito at walang makakapansin sa'kin kung hindi ako maingay.

Against the dim of the light, I saw his face. Ilang araw ko na siyang hindi nakikita. At naalala kong iniiwasan ko siya. But all those things are my least priority now. My father left us and my Mom is wrecked, I have no time to think about how should I move on from him.

"Audrey," he called my name again.

Kung ibang pagkakataon ito ay siguro nagdiwang na ang puso ko dahil sa paulit-ulit niyang pagtawag sa'king pangalan. Pero kahit siya ay hindi magawang pasiyahin ang durog kong puso.

My eyes heated with the upcoming tears again. I nodded unconsciously at him and started to walk.

"Are you okay?" Malalim ang boses niyang tanong.

Suminghot ako at tumango lamang ulit habang patuloy na naglalakad palayo sa kaniya. Ngunit nang matanto ko ang tanong niya ay parang gripo na naglandasan ang mga luha ko.

No one noticed my pain. No one asked me how am I. I never talked about what I'm going through but a part of me hoped that maybe someone will ask me that. Si Gillian... gusto ko siyang kausapin pero nahihiya ako. Ngayon ko lang natanto na hindi ko kayang sarilinin ang lahat. Kasi ang bigat-bigat sa dibdib, ang hirap-hirap magpanggap na okay lang ang lahat pero sa tuwing uuwi ako ng bahay ay para akong nilalason. Nakakapagod umiyak at masaktan ng paulit-ulit dahil sa kinahinatnan ng pamilya na mayroon ako.

And no matter how I want to help... I don't know how. At kahit anong pilit kong takasan ang problema para maramdamang normal na ulit ang buhay ko... hindi ko kaya dahil ito ang realidad ng buhay ko ngayon.

It sucks when I got used to being happy. It sucks when I'm still a kid and I don't fucking know how to handle this situation because I'm immature.

Napahikbi ako dahil sa mga naiisip. Ayoko ng ganito.

"Hey,"

Hinawakan niya ang aking palapulsuhan at hinarap ako sa kaniya. Dahil sa nanlalabong mga mata ay hindi malinaw sa'kin ang kaniyang mukha. Kumawala ang malakas na hikbi sa'king bibig nang hilahin niya ako upang yakapin.

Am I selfish if I would say that this is what I need? I want to find comfort again. I want to find peace again. And I want someone to hold me and feel not lonely for this.

I buried my face on his chest as I continuously cry. Naramdaman ko ang paghigpit ng kaniyang yakap sa'kin at ang kaniyang marahang haplos sa'king buhok. Pumikit ako ng mariin at halos wala na akong pakialam kung nakikita at naririnig niya akong humahagulgol.

But I know that Felix isn't the person who I could tell my problems with. I don't think anyone could ever bear with me when they heard my story. Ayokong maramdaman na pabigat ako... pero ayoko ring maramdamang mag-isa ako.

"Sshhh," he mumbled against my hair and I felt his lips touch my temple.