Entry 26

Pagod kong pinagpahinga ang aking sarili sa kaniyang bisig. Sa kawalan ko ng enerhiya ay bahagya na akong hinihila ng antok. Kung hindi ko lang naramdaman ang paghaplos niya sa kwintas na aking suot ay hindi ako magigising sa katotohanang ginawa ko ngayong gabi.

His rough fingers caressed my necklace like it's something he needs to protect from harm. Dahil kung masira ay para bang mawawasak na ang lahat. I stared at his long fingers that slowly caressing the necklace he gave years ago. I still have it with me because I treasure it so much.

Hindi ko itatanggi na sa nagdaang taon, hindi man siya sumagi sa aking isipan, alam kong sa likod ng aking utak, nanatili siya roon. Iniwasan ko lang ngunit alam kong nanatili siyang nakatago sa kasuluksulukan ng aking isip. And I hate it that suddenly, out of nowhere, unexpectedly, he came back real. Na sa loob ng limang taon na unti-unti nang nakakaahon mula sa sakit ang aking puso ay muli siyang bumalik.

I said that I want to fall again. To feel the same intensity of love I have felt for Toby, but tonight that he's with me, I realized that I can't... yet. Dahil hanggang ngayon siya pa rin. Ngunit kahit nakakasigurado ako na mahal ko siya, hindi ako martyr at tanga para sumugal pa ulit sa walang kasiguraduhan.

"You kept it." He whispered softly against my hair.

The memories we shared from the past rushed on my mind. Ang kaligayahang naramdaman ko noong kasama ko siya. The things I did only for him. The feelings I can only feel to him. Lahat ng alaala kung paano ako naging padalos-dalos at naloko ang aking sarili sa isang bagay na walang kasiguraduhan. All my gambles just to be hurt in the end. Malinaw pa rin sa'kin hanggang ngayon kung paano ako nasaktan at umiyak dahil sa kaniya.

Hindi ko kailanman naranasan noon na umiyak dahil sa isang lalaki. I actually don't believe in love at a very young age. But when he came, he changed my perspectives. Alam kong ilang taon ko rin sinisi ang aking sarili para sa isang bagay na wala akong kontrol. Noong sinaktan niya ako, lubusan ang naging galit ko para sa aking sarili. I need to rebuild myself and learn to love myself just so I can go on with my life. And now that he's here, I don't want the past to repeat itself again. I know how to shield my heart from pains... and if I can't, at least I know now my way out of here.

I am not the same old Reign Clarisse Santiano. Alam ko na ang ginagawa ko.

I withdrew from the hug. I saw how his peaceful eyes watched me parting myself from him.

I swallowed and looked away. I fixed my dress and tried my very best to remove myself on his lap.

Mali ang ginawa namin.

Noong isang linggo lang kami nagkita pero sinuko ko na agad ulit sa kaniya ang aking sarili. Alam kong ilang taong wala akong naging karanasan, ilang taon akong nanatiling tuyo ngunit hindi ibigsabihin noon na dahil nandito siya ay isusuko ko na agad.

"I-I'm s-sorry." I stuttered while I am trying to open the car's door.

"Clarisse," He tried to hold me in my arms but I successfully opened the door already.

Nagkukumahog akong tumakbo palabas ng kaniyang sasakyan at iniwan siya sa loob. I heard him calling me. Narinig ko rin ang pagbukas ng kaniyang sasakyan at ang kaniyang mga yabag kaya naman kahit nakasuot ako ng high heels ay mas binilisan ko ang aking takbo.

I searched for the valet that keeping my keys and when I finally got it, I ran towards my own car. Hindi na ako nag-abala pang balikan ang aking mga kasamahan dahil natatakot akong magkita kami ni Toby.

I started the engine and drive towards the broad road of EDSA. Malalim na ang gabi at malinis na ang daan. Idiniin ko ang tapak sa accelerator upang mas bumilis ang takbo ng aking sasakyan. I closed my eyes tight for a while before I opened it again.

"Stupid!" I hissed.

Naiinis ako sa aking sarili dahil naging padalos-dalos na naman ako. When I thought I finally overcome that, just one touch from him, magiging tanga pa rin pala talaga ako.

How the hell I end up in his car and fucking him after all those years I've learned? Oo at nanatili ang pagkagusto ko sa kaniya ngunit gaano ba ako karupok para isuko agad iyon ulit?

I want to curse myself so bad. I am not taking control birth pills anymore because I am done with all the playing. I ended those young immature behavior years ago. Hindi ko na muling naisipan pang uminom ng pills o 'di kaya'y magpa-shot dahil hindi ko na naman pa inisip ang ganitong parte sa aking buhay.

"Ang tanga tanga mo!" I almost screamed that because of frustration.

I grew and I'm aware of what I am doing. I am scared of the consequences this might follows. Bahagya kong pinagdikit ang nakaparte kong hita nang biglaan kong maalala ang kalakhan niya sa loob ko. I feel my face heated with the thought.

I am driving and all I can think about is his inside me. Mabilis kong niliko ang aking sasakyan at muntik pa akong makasalubong ng isang kotse kung hindi ko lang agad naiwasan. Bumalot ang lamig sa aking buong katawan ngunit nawala agad iyon nang naalala ko na naman ang hitsura ni Toby kanina.

He spilled inside me. I am not sure if I'll get pregnant by that... at kahit magbunga man, hindi ko rin naman sisisihin ang baby. But I am hoping that it won't happen. Ayokong mangyari na siya ang makabuntis sa akin dahil hindi nararapat para sa magiging anak ko ang isang buhay na walang kinikilalang tatay.

I maybe thinking too far but after what happened to us, it could be possible. He didn't even used condom. And the way he touches me, it feels like he's been in a desert for long and I am his oasis. After he spilled inside me, I still can feel his energy to do it again. Kung hindi lang ako nagising sa aking mga kalokohan ay paniguradong may sumunod pa.

The hell I am thinking that! Umiling ako sa aking sarili. I am very disappointed. After years of keeping myself distant with all the immature doings, I am here, screwed with what I did tonight.

Padabog kong sinarado ang aking sasakyan at tumuloy sa bahay. I quickly get in my bathroom and wore out my dress. Ang silver necklace ko ay kuminang dahil sa ilaw ng aking banyo. I stood in front of my large mirror while naked and held my necklace.

Sa nagdaang taon, hindi kumupas ang kulay nito. Hindi ko rin naman siya madalas ding isuot kung kaya't hindi nakakapagtaka na hanggang ngayon ay maayos siya. I just thought of wearing it tonight... for I don't know reason.

I sighed heavily and opened the shower. The water drips over my face and calmed with its warm. Pumikit ako at dinama ang pagdaloy ng tubig sa aking katawan ngunit dumadako ang aking kaisipan sa nangyari kanina. I rapidly opened my eyes and wander it around. Kumalabog ang puso ko at halos sampalin ko na ang aking sariling mukha.

"Kalimutan mo na 'yon! It's nothing! You're just drunk and he's thirsty!"

That is nothing but lust. Dahil malabo namang nangyari sa'min iyon dahil mahal niya ako. He just probably touched me because he's turned on. Sa nagdaang taon, hindi man ako nakakasigurado sa nangyari at pinagdaan niya sa buhay, I know that his feelings doesn't changed. Kagaya ng natanto ko, his love for Mia is beyond death.

There are people who can move on from their past, but there are also people who will remain holding on despite their lover not being physically present in their life. And I think that is what they called love. I have loved Toby, and I know how it feels that even he's not with me anymore, I still think about him.

But I moved on. He maybe still has that effect on me but I know that with the five years, I've learned to forget him. And I'll continue it despite him being my colleague now.

And I don't want to relive the moments that happened in the past. I don't want to repeat the same mistake and pains I have felt. Ayoko na muling sumagal sa isang bagay na alam kong una pa lang wala na akong laban.

I hardly slept that night. Paulit-ulit na sumasagi sa aking isipan ang nangyari at ang mga pwedeng mangyari dahil doon. But thankfully, I slept before the sun rises. Inaantok pa ako nang pumasok sa opisina. My back is leaning on the cold wall of elevator when I saw who entered the building.

Toby in his dark grey buttoned longsleeve shirt and his dark slacks that suits his long strong legs make their way towards where I am. Umayos ako sa pagkakatayo at umikot ang paningin sa buong loob. I am alone here and I can't stand the two minutes travel 'til our floor with him. Sinubukan kong lumabas para hindi siya makasabay ngunit umaayon ata sa'kin ngayon ang araw at sumarado na ang elevator, hindi na naabutan ni Toby.

I sighed in relief. Halos pagpawisan ako dahil sa kabang naramdaman.

I know my way out of what I did last night. I can avoid and ignore him. Not unless there's a work to work on but for now, there's none so I won't talk to him. At magkaiba kami ng departamento. Iba ang kaniyang opisina kaya malabong magkita pa kami araw-araw.

Pablo greeted me and asked me why I suddenly disappear last night.

"Inantok agad ako." Tangi kong sagot bago tuluyang umupo sa computer chair.

Ngumuso ako habang binubuksan ang aking macbook. But now thinking about his position in this company, I can't help but feel slightly proud of him. I saw how he didn't give so much attention to his study back in college. Ang sabi pa niya noon ay nagpapatuloy lang siya mag-aral dahil kay Mia, but now, he's here. And he seems to be successful.

Akalain mo 'yon. Ang mga hindi mo inaasahan noong kolehiyo na magkakaroon ng magandang buhay, sila pa itong mas nakakaangat sa'tin ngayon. Really, grades will never define our future. It's the hard work and perseverance that will make our dreams a reality.

"Good morning, Sir!" They greeted happily.

Ngumiti ako at bumaling sa likod para mabati ang boss namin ngunit nang masulyapan na si Toby iyon ay halos malaglag ako sa sariling upuan. Mabilis kong ibinalik ang tingin sa screen ng aking macbook.

"Good morning!" His baritone echoed.

I can hear his footsteps nearing me at kung hindi lang siguro naagaw ni Phenelope ang kaniyang atensiyon ay paniguradong nakarating na siya sa aking tabi.

Pero sa'kin ba talaga siya pupunta? Ano namang kailangan niya sa'kin? Baka naman nag-a-assume lang ako.

"You enjoyed last night, Sir? Sa uulitin?" Phenelope's sweet voice proves that she meant something.

I am not sure if Toby came back to them after I ran. Pero base sa aking narinig, mukhang bumalik nga siya.

"Why not?" Nagawa niya pang makipagbiruan.

I bit my lower lip and continue typing.

"Clarisse-"

Pagbanggit niya pa lang sa pangalan ko ay agad nang umusbong ang kaba sa'king dibdib. I closed my laptop and walks out from there without glancing to any of them. Dumiretso ako sa desk at pinasa ang istorya ko at lumabas para pumunta sa parking.

Sumakay ako sa company car kasama ang isang camera man. Papunta kami ngayon sa Batangas at ilang oras ang layo noon mula dito. Sisiguraduhin kong hindi ako makakagawa ng interaksiyon kay Toby dahil ayokong kausapin siya.

"Nandito na tayo." Ginising ako ng kasama ko.

I opened my eyes and saw that we're really now here. Nakatulog kasi ako sa byahe dahil kulang ang aking naging tulog. Lumabas ako at bumalandra sa akin ang kumpol ng mga tao. Inayos ko ang aking camera at kinuhanan ng litrato ang crime incident.

Sa mga sumunod na araw ay tinuon ko ang atensiyon sa patuloy na pagkontak sa dating assistant ni Secretary Librador.

"I'm sorry, but please spare me. Tinigilan mo na ako dahil hindi ako magsasalita." He said on the other line.

Nasapo ko ang aking noo at tumango sa kawalan. Pinanood ko ang tahimik na bulkan Mayon dahil nasa Bicol ako ngayon para sa isang balita.

"I understand. Pero gusto ko lang malaman kung ang pananahimik ninyo po ba ay may kinalaman kay Mijares? Did he try to threat you?"

Narinig ko ang malalim na paghinga niya sa kabilang linya.

"Miss Clarisse, kung ikaw ang nasa posisyon ko, mas pipiliin mo na lang manahimik. Ayokong mapahamak ang pamilya ko kung kaya't tigilan mo na ako."

This is very hard. I am torn between letting him staying silent and find another source, but thinking about the truth he holds triggers me.

"Lubos ko po kayong naiintindihan. Ngunit ang lahat ng magiging sentimento ninyo patungkol sa inyong nalalaman ay maaaring makapagbago ng gobyernong meron tayo. I know that Librador is very powerful, but I also want to hear your side. Let the truth be untold, Sir. This is for us-"

"Hindi! Hindi mo ako naiintindihan! This is only for you. Para sa media! Para may maging sweldo ka at mapakain sa pamilya. Ang totoo ay hindi mo ito ginagawa para sa'kin o kanino man. Diyan kayo magaling. Magaling kayong magpaikot kaya maraming nangyayaring masama sa mundo dahil sa kinakalat na impormasyon ng media! Putangina mo, tigilan mo na ako!"

Then he hang up.

I put down the phone and think of ways I could make to finally make him speak. Hindi naman bago sa akin ito. Ilang tao na ang hindi sumagot sa aking mga tanong. Ilang source na ang hindi ako pinaunlakan ng interview. But I'm still trying to earn their trust. It could be my investment so for the next stories I'll write that has to do with them, it will be easier for me to contact them because I already build rapport between us.

Mahirap pakiusapan si Mr. Augustus. Ngunit hindi ako susuko. Mamatay man ang kontrebersiya patungkol kay Librador, mananatili akong isusulat ang istorya hanggang sa mabuo at maisiwalat ko na ang katotohanan sa publiko. I won't stop.

For the next weeks, I was assigned to cover the Mascara Festival in Bacolod. Nagkaroon ng bagyo pagkaraan noon dahilan kung bakit pinadala ako sa hilagang bahagi ng Luzon upang i-cover ang sakuna. And for the last week of the month, I was designated to the Mindanao.

Naging abala ako sa mga sumunod pang buwan dahilan kung bakit hindi na ako nagkaroon pa ng mahabang interaksiyon kay Toby. I sometimes see him in the company but I always look away and avoid him. Whenever he tries to strike a conversation, I am always walking out. I know that I am very obvious, but I really make it obvious so he will realize that I don't want to talk to him moreso to interact with him.

"Toby- ay este Sir Toby, wala ka pang girlfriend 'di ba?"

One time I heard Phenelope asking Toby. Hindi ko alam kung bakit ba laging nandito ito gayong hindi naman siya dapat talaga narito. It's almost lunch break and I guess Phenelope ask him to have lunch with her.

Inirap ko ang naiisip.

Edi mag-lunch kayo. Akala mo naman hindi sila makakakain ng walang kasabay.

I heard him chuckled only as his response.

Hindi tinanggi at hindi rin naman inamin. I rolled my eyes again.

Malamang paano niya maaamin na 'yong girlfriend niya ay patay na.

Phenelope has been transparently showing her interest to him. Tanga na lang siguro ang hindi makakapansin no'n. And I am sure that by now, Toby is taking advantage of it.

I played with my tongue. But knowing him... he's not like the other guys I met. He's faithful to his only love. Ni hindi nga noon kumalat na babaero siya dahil may nobya siya. Mia crossed my mind.

Pumangalumbaba ako habang iniisip si Mia. Kung noon nga na halos magkasama kami araw-araw, ibinigay ko sa kaniya ang lahat, napangiti at napatawa ko siya ay hindi niya pa rin ako nagawang mahalin. Si Phenelope pa kaya? Mia always has the big part in his heart that no one can replace. It's not me, not Phenelope, not anyone.

"Reese, tara na!" Pablo shouted dahil magsasabay kami ngayon sa isang lugar.

Mabilis kong nilikom ang aking mga gamit.

"Sabay kayo, Pablo? Hindi ba muna kayo mag-lunch?" Tanya asked.

Her thick eyeglasses surveyed me meaningfully. My eyebrows furrowed at her expression but when she smiled, I returned it. Sinikop ko ang aking camera bag at macbook bag pati ang aking ibang gamit. Mabilis akong naglakad palapit sa pintuan kung nasaan si Pablo at hindi na sinulyapan ang ibang nasa loob ng newsroom.

"Hindi na. Hahabulin pa namin ni Reese ang oras!" Panloloko ni Pablo.

Hinampas ko ang kaniyang braso at hinila na siya palabas ng newsroom. Tumatawa siya habang palabas at nang bitawan ko siya at iniwan siya ay tumakbo siya para mahabol ako.

"May napapansin ako pero hindi ko na lang sasabihin." Aniya pagkapasok namin ng elevator.

Pinindot ko ang floor ground at inirapan si Pablo na nginingisian ako. Sumandal ako sa malamig na dingding ng elevator at nang maliit na lang ang siwang ng elevator door ay nagtama ang mga mata namin ni Toby. His almond pitch eyes almost seem like a dark storm coming.

Nag-iwas ako ng tingin. I can feel my heart beating fast with just that quick eye contact.

Pablo faked his cough beside me but I ignored it. Dalawang buwan na simula noong makita kong muli si Toby. He's our Marketing Manager and what we did in the office is all about work. Dahil parehas lang kaming nagkikita sa opisina, isa na rin 'yon sa mga naging dahilan kung bakit hindi na siya nagkakaroon ng pagkakataon na pilitin akong makausap.

What happened to us is personal. We're at work. It shouldn't be talk here.

At dahil hindi na kami mag-uusap sa labas, makakalimutan niya rin iyon.

We arrived at Rizal. I did my work and after I finished, I put all my things on the car. Wala pa ang camera man na kasama ko pati si Pablo. At dahil medyo naiinitan ako sa loob ay sinubukan ko munang magpahangin.

Inikot ko ang aking paningin at natanaw ang ilang tao na naglalakad. Dapit hapon na kung kaya't marami nang dumadaan kumpara kanina na halos walang tao ang kalsada.

"Siya 'yong nagsulat 'diba? Akala ko naman matalino. Ganda lang naman pala meron." I heard someone.

Tumalikod ako para mahanap ang nagsalita. I saw three old women in their uniforms. I am not sure what is their job.

"Ganiyan na ba talaga sa media? Kapag maganda, iha-hire nila? Wala namang utak. Sana nag-vlog na lang siya." The other one said while looking at me.

"Puro kasinungalingan naman mga sinusulat niyan." Another added.

I returned my gaze in front. Alam ko na agad na ako ang kanilang pinag-uusapan. Ako lang naman ang nakikita nilang media dito ngayon. And they are obviously looking at me. I am already used with all the prejudices that these people are giving us.

"Maganda na sa'yo 'yan? Mukha ngang mumurahin. Halatang laspag na."

Those words were like a bullet to me but I ignored it. I'm very used to people talking ill about me. People will always have something to say that will make you question your own worth. Those words that will make you feel insecure and worthless. But if you learn the virtue of not giving a damn to irrelevant comments, you'll grow beautifully.

"Reese! Kain muna tayo bago dumiretso sa building. Nagugutom na ako!"

Dumating na si Pablo. I smiled and nodded. Kumain kami sa labas kasabay ang mga kasama namin bago tuluyang dumiretso sa opisina. I did my story on my table and passed it before the noon reached. Sinikop ko ang aking mga gamit at pagod na naglakad papuntang elevator.

I over timed again. Hinihilot ko ang aking sentido habang sinasandal ang aking katawan sa gilid ng elevator. It opened and was shocked to see whose inside.

It's already twelve in the evening! Anong ginagawa ni Toby hanggang ngayon dito?

"Hi Sir Toby! Hindi pa kayo umuuwi?" Narinig ko ang boses ni Phenelope sa aking likod.

Lumabas siya at bago pa man din siya makalapit ay pumasok na ako. Umamba siyang papasok ulit ngunit kinausap na siya ni Phen dahilan kung bakit hindi niya na naabutan ang pagsarado ng elevator.

Para akong nilagutan ng hininga kanina kaya naman malalim akong huminga ngayon. Hindi ko alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon gano'n ang epekto niya sa'kin.

"Reign Clarisse, narinig ko ang statement ni Librador." Mom's strict voice welcomed me.

My eyes widen and walked towards faster to her.

"Mom, it's already late! Matulog na nga ho kayo." Pagalit kong suway.

She only glared at me but I smiled at her. I kissed her cheeks and hugged her. She's always mad at me whenever she's hearing news about me and Librador. Pakiramdam niya ay lagi akong mapapahamak.

"May masama akong pakiramdam sa ginagawa mo, Reese. Tigilan mo na ang pagsusulat ng balita kay Librador." She warned me.

I smiled wider to prove to her that I am fine.

"Ayos lang ako, Mom. Walang mangyayari sa'king masama-"

"Sinasabi mo 'yan ngayon. Paano kung magkatotoo ang lahat-"

"You're overreacting, Mom. I can handle myself. Trust me." I told her.

She sighed heavily and warned me more but I am only smiling. Nagsawa siya nang matanto niyang hindi niya ako mapipilit na tumigil sa pagsusulat patungkol kay Librador.

I love her. I love my life, too. But even those won't make me stop from writing the truth.

Sinarado ko ang pintuan ng desk at dumiretso pabalik sa aking table ngunit bago pa man din mangyari iyon ay napaatras na ako nang bumukas ang pintuan ng newsroom at bumalandra sa harap ko si Toby. Halos ngumanga ako sa kaniyang harapan nang makita ang kaniyang ayos.

This is my first time to see him wearing a suit in black. He looks like a businessman now with his white dress shirt, black suit and slacks. He's shiny black leather shoes and his hair in brushed. Kinagat ko ang aking labi at nag-iwas ng tingin. I tried to avoid him and resume my walk but I was suddenly cornered by him when he walked towards me.

"You're ignoring me." He assumed in a very low but deep voice.

Tinuro ko ang aking sarili. Hilaw akong ngumiwi at umiling.

"Hindi, a!" I said in a fake happy tone.

Kumunot ang noo niya at mas lalong dumilim ang kaniyang titig sa'kin. I suddenly remember that night in his car. I almost lost my balance because of that but he quickly held me in place. Humaplos ang kaniyang kamay sa aking baywang dahilan ng mariin kong pagpikit.

"Clarisse," He called me.

Clarisse. I never thought my name could be this emotional while hearing my name. He's the only one who can call me that. When someone tries to call me that, I have nothing to feel but whenever it comes from him... I'm always doomed.

"I-I need to work."

Tinanggal ko ang kamay niyang nakahawak sa aking baywang. I tried to walk on his beside but he step sideways, too, hinaharangan ako. Inangat ko ang tingin sa kaniya.

"Padaanin mo ako." I said in a cold tone.

"Let's have dinner together." He said a bit louder that made the journalists heads turned to us.

Nakita ko ang gulat sa kanilang mga mukha nang makita ang pagiging malapit namin ni Toby. Sinubukan kong pagtakpan ang kahihiyan at lalayo na sana ulit ngunit nang maramdaman ko ang kamay niya na dumapo sa maliit kong baywang ay para akong binuhusan ng malamig na tubig.

His touch makes me shiver but the way the journos eyes widen because of what they are now seeing makes me pee in my pants. Hilaw akong tumawa at pasimpleng tinanggal ang kamay niya sa aking baywang ngunit masyadong madiin ang hawak para maalis.

Matalim ang tinging iginawad ko kay Toby ngunit nagulat ako nang makita na mapungay ang kaniyang mga mata.

"Let's date again, Clarisse. I want to date you." Bulong niya.

My lips parted.

Maraming kaisipan ang bumuhos sa aking utak ngunit ayoko nang magpaloko. I laughed fakely.

"Oh d-dinner daw sabi ni Sir Toby. Sama kayo!" I tried to conceal my embarrassment through that but no one answered.

My eyes lingered on them. I saw how they only remain staring at us like we are some puzzle they need to fix. Puno ng kuryusidad ang mga mata ni Phenelope ngunit nang magtagpo ang tingin namin ay nag-iwas siya ng tingin.

"Sama ako!" Basag ni Pablo sa katahimikan para masalba ako sa kahihiyan.

I saw him standing and almost getting his things ready.

"Actually, gusto ko kaming dalawa lang ni Clarisse." Malamig na untag ni Toby na mas lalong nagpahiya sa'kin.

Phenelope lifted her eyes again to us. Ngumiwi ako at patagong hinampas ang kamay ni Toby. I walked out from the news room and since I am already holding my bag, uuwi na lang ako.

Tapos na rin naman ang trabaho ko kaya pwede na akong umalis. Nakakahiya ang mga ginagawa ni Toby. Why the hell will he ask me out in that office!

"Clarisse!" He called me but I am already angry at him.

Pinagtitinginan na kami ng mga dumadaan na ibang empleyado ngunit nagpatuloy ako sa mabilis na paglalakad hanggang sa makarating sa tapat ng elevator. I pressed the button many times, hoping to get away from Toby.

Pero ngayon ata ako tinamaan ng kamalasan.

A firm rough hand touched my elbow. I glared at him. Hindi ko na makita ang ibang empleyado dahil hinarangan na ng kaniyang malaking katawan ang tingin ko sa kanila.

"What?" I hissed.

"Why are you avoiding me? Ilang beses kong sinubukang kausapin ka but you always end up walking out away from me." I can almost hear the pain in his tone.

"E, ano bang sasabihin mo? Wala naman tayong pag-uusapan-"

"May nangyari sa'tin, Clarisse." He cut me off.

He said that like I forgot it.

Bumilis ang aking paghinga. I nodded at him.

"What happened to us, it's nothing." I said nervously but clearly.

His eyes turned chinky. His long legs eats the space between us that made my breath hitched. Umatras din ako ngunit nang magsalita siya ay natigil ako.

"It's nothing?" Kritikal ngunit naguguluhang tanong niya.

"Y-Yeah..." I stuttered.

Bumukas ang elevator. Lumabas ang mga tao kaya naman umayos ako sa pagkakatayo. Hinintay kong maubos ang mga empleyado sa loob at nginitian pa sila.

"All your moans and pleased expression were nothing?" He asked a bit louder.

Nanlaki ang mga mata ko dahil sa tanong niya. The people are still coming out from the elevator when he asked that. I saw one employee who looks at us curiously. My face heated so I quickly get in. Sumunod siya sa'kin at sakto sa pagsarado ng pinto ay huminga ako ng malalim.

Gusto ko siyang sigawan ngunit pinigilan ko ang aking sarili. I lifted my gaze on him while he lowered his for our eyes meet.

"Look, Toby. It's a mistake. We're both drunk-" I tried to explain but he cut me off again.

"I'm not drunk at that time! I know what I am doing and I did it with you because I love you!"

"Okay you're not drunk but I was-" I trailed off when I realized what he said.

My heart beat doubled that I can almost feel my ribcage breaking.

"W-What?" Gulantang at hindi ko makapaniwalang tanong.

He loves me? What is this? Is he playing?

He sighed heavily. Hinawakan niya ang aking braso at gusto ko mang manlaban ay hindi ko magawa dahil masyado akong naging okupado sa sinabi niya.

"I love you, Clarisse-"

"Paano nangyari?" My eyes widen. "Nagbibiro ka ba?"

He only shook his head. I can see the pain in his eyes while staring at me.

"I know it's been years. We lost contact to each other. I cleared to you that I can't love you but when I heard that you left... that's when I realized that I love you."

My lips parted with his confession. Hindi ako makapaniwala.

Then everything started to rush again. He told me before that he loves me... katulad ba ito noon?

I looked away. I told myself that I won't repeat the same mistake again.

But...

Is this real?

"I followed you in New York."

Mas lumaki ang aking mga mata dahil sa narinig. I looked at him again with shock eyes.

"You what?" I asked, shocked.

His shoulder fell.

"Sinundan kita noon. I want to confess my feelings because I want you back but when I saw you happy... I realized that I shouldn't ruin it anymore. I gave you so much pain already. Hindi ko na matataim pang dagdagan iyon. I chose to comeback here in the Philippines without saying my true feelings towards you. I was regretful with all my decisions in the past but..." He trailed off.

My tears are already on the verge. He followed me? Then I remember that one time I thought I was hallucinating that I saw Toby in the cafe.

I wasn't! Nandoon nga siya.

"I told myself that everything will be worth it. That when the time we'll see each other again, I will finally say the truth. Clarisse, I love you. Six years had passed, but I am still inlove with you. I don't want to beg but please... accept me again. I want you again in my life."

His hand touched my cheeks as my tears started rolling. I hold on his arms and tried to remove it from my face.

I don't know how to consume everything he just said. There's a part of me that wanted to believe but there's also a part of me saying that I shouldn't. Maybe because of to all what happened in the past, I lost my trust to myself. Nasira ang pagtitiwala ko sa aking sarili na maniwala pa sa iba. Dahil minsan na akong naniwala at sa huli nasaktan lang ako.

No matter how soothing his words are, I've learned to not make myself hopes for uncertainties.

He told me he loved me, too before. He told me he loved me but he can't just love me the way he loved Mia. At hanggang ngayon malinaw sa'kin iyon.

I wiped my own tears. Nakisama naman sila at hindi na nagpatuloy pa sa paglandasan.

I shook my head profusely. I saw the slight panick etched in his expression.

"Si Phenelope na lang." I responded absently.

"What?" Naguguluhang tanong niya.

Mas dumoble ang kaba sa'kin. The elevator opened.

"Si Phenelope na lang ang lokohin mo. W-Wala akong panahon sa'yo." I said with finality before I ran out from the elevator.

I heard him calling me but I refuse to look back anymore. Mabilis akong sumakay sa aking sasakyan at pinaandar ito palabas ng building.

I still like him but it's not easy to believe in his words again. It's not that easy to accept him again after all the pains I've gone through. Ayokong masaktan at umasa ulit. Kahit sinabi niya pang mahal niya na ako, parang ang hirap-hirap pa rin paniwalaan. Kasi anong laban ko kay Mia?

At kung totoo man na mahal niya ako... gaano kasigurado na ako lang? Na hindi na si Mia? Ayoko na mahalin niya ako dahil lang pakiramdam niya obligasyon niyang mahalin ako pabalik. Ayokong makatanggap ng kalahating pagmamahal. I don't deserve that.

Bumagal ang takbo ko sa aking sasakyan nang pinalis ko ang luhang naglandasan sa aking pisngi. For the six years, I learned to rebuild myself. To distant myself from lies and falsehopes because I don't want to feel the same pain again. And I am still determined to continue that.

Kinalma ko ang aking sarili. I continue the fast speed. Hindi na masyadong marami ang mga sasakyan kung kaya't nagagawa kong bilisan ang aking patakbo. I looked at my side mirror and my eyebrows furrowed when I saw a couple of cars behind.

I ignored and resume. Lumiko ako para sana makadiretso sa malapit na resto ngunit muling sumagi ang mga mata ko sa side mirror. I looked at my rear mirror and saw the same couple cars following me.

My phone rang for Mommy's call. I looked at it and pressed the answer on the screen but I almost lost my breath when I saw a man on the car following me peek on the window and pulled out a gun. Adrenaline rushed in me that I quickly stepped in my accelerator and double my speed.

A bullet shot my side mirror. Dumoble ang kaba sa aking dibdib ngunit pinagtuonan ko ng pansin ang pagmamaneho. Ilang beses akong lumiko ngunit patuloy nila akong sinusundan.

"Reese!" Mom called me from the other line.

Hindi ko magawang magsalita dahil ang kaninang humahabol sa aking mga sasakyan ay hinarang ang harapan ko, pinapalibutan ako. A man get out from there and directed a gun in front of me. Lumiko ako at masyadong mabilis ang pangyayari. Dahil na rin siguro sa kaba, hindi ko na napansin na puno ang nasa gilid.

My car smashed on the large tree as I heard the guns clicking and shooting my car. Tinanggal ko ang aking seatbelt at kahit duguan ang aking noo ay pinilit kong yumuko upang hindi matamaan ng mga bala. I can feel the heat inside my car. I saw fire and even I wanted to go out I know that I will be shot dead if I do.

But I have no choice!

Patuloy ang pamamaril sa aking sasakyan na kahit pinilit kong buksan ang aking pintuan ay halos umiyak lang ako sa takot ng muntik nang matamaan ang aking kamay. I felt cold, nervous, and terrified.

"Pulis! Pulis! May pulis! Pasok!" I heard the chaos from the armed men.

I tried to kick the door and when I successfully did, I got out of the car. Sumalampak ako sa lupa at nakita ang pagsiklab ng sunog sa aking sasakyan.

All my hard works crashed while watching my burning car. But my safety is my priority. I coughed and tried to stand but I can't. The siren from police cars is what I heard before everything turned black.