Entry 24

I heard a multiple notification sound from my laptop. I tried to sleep sideways and closed my eyes tightly but when I felt the sun rays touching my sight, I have no choice but to get up from bed.

Ginulo ko ang aking buhok at hinilamos ang dalawang palad sa aking mukha bago nag-angat ng tingin sa salaming nasa gilid ng aking kama. I look like a potato with my fluffy face and messy hair. Isang pasada ng aking daliri ulit ang ginawa ko sa aking buhok bago ako dumiretso sa kanina ko pa nag-iingay na MacBook.

Umupo ako sa silya at marahas na binuksan ang aking email para lamang sumalubong sa akin ang pang-umagang bati mula sa mga unknown sender. I felt cold while reading another rape threat I received this morning. I've been receiving emails like this since the first time I was assigned to Political beat.

Humilig ako sa aking silya at pinagmasdan ang screen ng aking computer. I bit my lower lip while calming myself and thinking of who could be this sender. These past months, I've been writing an article about Secretary Librador about his hidden transactions. No one has ever written an article about him linking to the broad drug transaction in the Philippines because they are afraid.

Hindi ko naman masisisi ang ibang journalist kung ayaw nilang malagay sa alanganin ang kanilang buhay. I understand their disposition and opinion about it, but I am far from what they are. If they can digest going on a day knowing that this official is taking advantage of his position, I can't. Not now that I am already in the field. Not now that I have the privilege to inform the public of what is the truth about him. Kailangan ko na lang ng sapat na ebidensiya at mapagbabayad na siya sa kasalanan niya. He's abusing the power the people gave to him. It's corrupt and illegal. And I can't stand watching him making a fool of us.

No matter how scary it may look like - with all the rape and death threats I, not only myself but also for my family, received I am still continuing my job. Because this is my job. I have long promised myself that I will make a change no matter how risky it may be.

I exited the message I received and opened another tab to read a morning article. I received a message regarding last night's crime incident in Caloocan kaya naman agad na akong tumayo at dumiretso sa aking bathroom.

I took a bath and make myself presentable even with just casual clothes. Lumabas ako at inayos ang sariling mukha para sa simpleng make up. I brushed my long hair and tried to curl it to make it look like ocean waves. While staring at my own reflection, I unconsciously smiled.

It's been five years since I came back from New York. I only took one year there before I finally decided to work here. I was quickly hired in CNN because of my experience of working in the New York Times. I was now exactly five years in the making... serving the Filipino like how I always dreamed when I was younger.

My short hair turned longer within those years. Hindi ko sinubukang pagupitan dahil ginusto kong pahabain ito. It's been a long ago since I realized that I am living in reality now. That life isn't just about the things I used to think about. That there is more to life than thinking of what will you eat the next day. I grew within those years. I turned to be a person I didn't expect I will become. My preferences in some stuff changed, maybe because I am getting older day by day. Sa lahat ng nararanasan ko araw-araw, iba't-ibang tao at kwento ang naririnig ko, naaapektuhan nito ang pananaw ko sa mundo.

When I thought I already know the world before, I was wrong. Reality isn't just scary and risky, it's busy and critical. Sa sobrang abala ng mga tao sa mundo, minsan nakakalimutan na nating bigyan pansin ang isang bagay na mahalagang pagtuonan ng pansin. And while the young ones were scared of what will be the life in reality, they ought to think that they will turn to be a person who perceives that they can't make a change. When in fact, the world needs more people like them. The ones who know her purpose, who knows how to compromise with the environment she's in, and the one who knows how to add up a fire in her passion on her job.

It's true that we need finance, na walang bagay sa mundo ang hindi nabibili ng pera. Ngunit kung may integridad at pagmamahal ka sa ginagawa mo, you know that it could be possible. That there are things that money can't buy- and that is the truth. The people need to hear the factual information therefore no one will be misled anymore. No one will fear and felt under someone whose only aiming is to make everyone his servant. No one should bend their knees, begging for something they actually own.

I stood in front of my large mirror while checking my today's outfit. I am wearing a white shirt tucked on my jeans with a vintage Chanel belt. I walked towards my closet to get the jacket I bought from London when I had a short vacation there with my friends. Sinunod na kinuha ko ang aking laptop bag, camera bag at ang Michael kors sling bag ko. Isang pasada pa ulit ng tingin sa salamin bago ako nagpasyang bumaba na.

I greeted Mom a good morning and eat my breakfast fast before I get out of our house. I pressed the button of my car keys and entered a black Audi. I looked at my watch and it is still six-thirty in the morning. I usually take one and a half hours before I get to Mandaluyong. I tried to think of buying a condo in Makati but then I just can't leave my Mom alone in the house. Na kahit hating gabi na rin ako nakakauwi, pinipilit ko pa ring dito tumuloy.

Lumabas ang sasakyan ko sa malaki naming gate. Walang traffic kaya naman mabilis akong nakarating sa opisina. I greeted the guards and make my way towards the elevator to our floor.

"Good morning, Reese!" My co-journalist greeted me.

I greeted them back before I sat at my own table. Nilapitan ako ni Pablo na may dalang Starbucks coffee.

"Ito na, Madam ang inutos mo." Aniya at nilapag sa aking lamesa ang kapeng pinasuyo ko sa kaniya.

I mouthed 'thank you' to him but he only winked at me before proceeding to his own chair. Pablo, who is my friend in college, is my colleague also here on CNN. Mag-iisang taon pa lang siya dito dahil galing siyang ABS-CBN. He worked there for five years but for some personal reasons, he left. I was also thinking of working in that media company dahil naroon si Kaycee pero maganda naman ang trabaho ko dito kaya hindi na lang.

"Bet you received another death threat."

I lifted my gaze while I'm sipping on my coffee. I saw one of my co-journalist, smirking at me meaningfully.

"Ano bang bago." I shrugged and opened my MacBook.

"Itutuloy mo pa rin ba?" She probed.

I nodded without looking at her. Kinuha ko ang telepono sa aking tabi at tinawagan ang company driver.

"Hello, this is Clarisse po. I'll be downstairs after five minutes. I'm just finishing something. Thank you." I told them before I hang up.

Pinagpatuloy ko ang pagtitipa para sa pang-umagang balita at pagkatapos noon ay tumayo na ako. Sinundan ako ng tingin ng kasing tanda kong personnel.

"Aren't you scared to get sued?" Dagdag na tanong ng isa pa.

I know what they are talking about. I don't think they are scared for me dahil kilala naman nila ako. Ngumiti ako at umiling.

"I won't." I believed. Although I feel like there will be a big possibility that will happen.

I looked away. Even though, I still have to do my job. I already started it. I don't want to back out just because I am scared. I need to go back with my purpose. In the first place, why I am even here? Noon pa lang na sumusulat ako para sa escuelahan, matibay na ang paninindigan ko na tanging katotohanan lamang ang isusulat ko. Hindi nagbago iyon sa nagdaang taon sabagkus mas sumiklab ang kagustuhan kong makapagsulat ng tama at totoong balita. Dahil iyon ang kailangan ng publiko.

"Have you heard about Laila Guzman? Hindi lang napapansin pero rinig ko bumabaha ng death threats. Nangangamba ata ang mga kapitalista na hindi mapa-sakanila ang mga lupain."

I know her. Isa siyang sikat na environmentalist reporter and advocate. Kumpara sa'kin mas delikado ang kalagayan niya pero nananatili siyang vocal sa mga katiwaliang nangyayari. Matagal na siyang naninilbihan sa publiko bilang mamamahayag. Isa siya sa mga inspirasyon ko kung bakit hanggang ngayon naniniwala ako na hindi magtatagal, wala nang mamamahayag ang magiging duwag na ipaglaban ang katotohanan. Habang buhay ang media, hindi makakatakas ang lahat ng masasamang hangarin ng mga opisyal para sa bansa.

"But Laila's is riskier than Reese. Kung may susubok na pagtangkaan si Reese, we'll know who will it be. But in Laila's position? We'll never know who it could be."

Bumukas ang pintuan at iniluwa nito ang bagong dating. I smiled at her and she gave back my smile. Binati siya ng ibang practitioners bago ko narinig ang kanilang mga asaran bago lumabas ng opisina.

"Anong beat mo ngayon? Politics?"

Tumango siya.

"Mag-ingat ka kay General. Balita ko mahilig sa bata 'yon."

Nagawa ko pang makisali sa tawanan bago ko tuluyang sinarado ang pintuan. My smile didn't fade until I reached the elevator. 

"Good morning, po!" I greeted the driver before I entered the media car.

Nasa likod na rin ang dalawang camera man at isa pang reporter na kasama ko ngayon papuntang Caloocan. Hindi nagtagal ay nakarating kami sa crime scene and all I did was take pictures and interviewed the polices and the other witnesses. Buong maghapon ako doon at ilang beses pa akong nagpabalik-balik sa malapit na police station to get information with the other journalists and reporters, too.

While on our way back to the office, I started typing all the information on my computer. I passed the story to our editor before I proceeded to another assigned task.

Pagod akong sumandal sa head rest ng aking upuan. I clicked my neck before I started the engine of my car. It's already one in the morning. At habang nasa byahe ako pauwi, hindi pa rin matapos ang mga tawag ko para sa mga source ko for my ongoing story about Secretary Librador. I've been working on that for months now but it's still not completed because there are still sources that I can't contact and some don't want to get interviewed. Ayoko namang mag-publish ng isang artikulo na kulang sa impormasyon.

Tahimik na ang buong mansion nang pumasok ako sa loob. I sighed and walked straight to my room to rest. Pagkatapos kong maglinis ng katawan ay dumiretso na ako sa pagtulog. Nagising sa panibagong araw dahil sa tunog ng aking nag-iingay na cellphone. Kinuha ko ito at halos dalawang oras pa lang ang tulog ko. Gusto kong bumalik sa paghiga ngunit nang makita kung sino ang nag-iwan ng mensahe sa aking email ay nagising ang diwa ko.

It's the current assistant of Secretary Librador. He's asking me to meet him in one of their offices in Makati. Kumabog ng husto ang aking puso at kinabahan sa mensaheng natanggap ngunit tinatagan ko ang aking sarili. Mabilis kong inayos ang aking sarili at tulog pa si Mommy nang umalis ako ng mansion.

Sumikat ang araw habang bumabyahe ako papuntang Makati. Lumabas ako ng aking sasakyan at ngumiti sa ilang nakakasalubong bago pumasok sa opisinang binanggit sa mensahe. It was opened by a guard and a large white office room welcomed me. May malaking lamesa sa gitna na puno ng mga dokumento.

"Good morning, Clarisse Santiano." A tone from an old man greeted me.

Pinanood ko kung paano naglakad papunta sa kaniyang upuan ang assistant ni Secretary Librador. I fake my smiled at him and greeted him back. No matter how I despise him and his boss so much, I still know how to act professional in front of them. Pinaupo niya ako sa harapang silya na sinunod ko. Pinagsalikop niya ang dalawang kamay na para bang may importante siyang sasabihin ngunit inunahan ko siya.

"I know that you didn't ask for me here to give information, Sir. Unless you changed your mind and you realized that you're serving a wrongful official?" I asked him firmly.

Bahagya siyang tumawa sa naging panimula ko.

"Hindi ko alam kung bakit hanggang ngayon iniisip mo na may kinalaman si Secretary Librador sa malawakang transaksiyon ng droga. Simula nang makilala ka sa media, ginawa mo 'yang daan para masira si Secretary, hindi ba? Hindi siya ang may ganid na hangarin kundi ikaw."

Kinuyom ko ang aking kamao dahil sa narinig mula sa kaniya. I remained my stern eyes and a smile crept on my lips.

"Sa ating dalawa, nakakasigurado ako na alam mo kung sino ang nagsisinungaling. I am not here to play dumb and stupid. If you didn't call me to give a bit of information about your Secretary, then I'll be leaving."

Umamba na akong tatayo ngunit nang narinig ang kasunod niyang sinabi ay tila naputol na ang pasensiyang iniingatan kong huwag masira.

"How much money do you want? Name your price." He asked in a negotiative tone.

My eyes turned chinky when I looked at him.

"Hindi mo 'ko mababayaran." Mariin kong sagot.

"Hindi mo alam kung sino ang binabangga mo, Clarisse Santiano. If you don't want to be one of those journalist who got killed, tapusin mo na ang pagsusulat tungkol kay Secretary Librador."

Halos matawa ako sa mga sinasabi niya. Tignan mo nga naman, nahuhuli ang isang 'to sa sarili niyang mga salita. Dahil sa narinig, mas nangibabaw ang galit sa loob ko.

"Am I a threat to you?" I asked calmly.

He looked at me using his piercing eyes. Tila ba isang kalabit ko lang sa kaniya ay magagawa niya akong patayin ngayon. I stood and step backward from his table. I am turning cold and nervous with his reaction but I need to show him that I am not afraid, even a bit.

"Malaking hadlang ba ang isang katulad kong mamamahayag sa mga marumi ninyong plano?" I added.

Nakita ko ang panggigigil ni Mijares sa'kin. Tumayo na rin siya mula sa pagkakaupo at matalim akong tinitigan. Tumaas ang boses niya at dinuro ako.

"I'll make sure that you'll be in the same position as those journalists. Sa himlayan rin ang bagsak mo, Santiano. Sayang at bata ka pa sana pero matigas at masyadong malaki ang ulo mo. Masyado kang pakialamera. Hindi mo kaya si Librador. And I'll make sure that your sources won't speak anything. I am warning you."

I gritted my teeth. My tears are on the verge of my eyes. Hindi ito luha ng takot kundi luha ng galit. I know that my contacts aren't accepting my calls because they are also afraid. I can't promise security for them but I am still hoping that they will at least give me a chance to hear their sides. Dahil hindi lang ito para sa publiko kundi para rin sa kanila.

"Do you think I'll be scared with your threats? Mind you, mas grabe pa sa pagpapapatay sa'kin ang narinig ko. Hindi ikaw, o sino man ang makakapagpatigil sa'king sumulat ng katotohanan. Try harder because I have no fear."

Iyon ang huling sinabi ko sa kaniya bago ako nagpasyang talikuran siya at lumabas ng establishemento. Kinurap ko ang mga mata na bahagyang lumabo dahil sa luha. Umikot ako at umambang lalabas na ngunit nagulat ako dahil may mag sumalubong sa'king reporters.

The security immediately runs towards me para mailayo ako sa mga nagkukumahog na reporters. I am a journalist myself so I exactly know why they are here now. A source probably told them that I'll be here.

"Clarisse, this is a place of Secretary Librador. What are you doing here?"

"Nag-usap ba kayo ni Secretary Librador? Did he somehow get mad at you for writing negative articles regarding him?"

"Hindi ka ba natatakot na banggain si Secretary Librador? Or may nangyari na bang kasunduan sa inyong dalawa? Umiikot sa social media ang usap-usapan na ginagawa mo ito dahil may iba kang dahilan. Perhaps you want to earn a position in the government?"

Sunod-sunod ang kanilang tanong na pakiramdam ko ay maririndi na ako. I told the guard that it's okay so they stopped. I faced the reporters and the cameras started flashing.

"Readers should learn how to think critically with all the information circulating around the social media platforms. It's not new to us that mis- and dis- information are a trend today spread by trolls. Therefore, all must learn to verify what they consume. And I didn't pursue journalism just to earn power or name. I know my duty and that is not to spread any false information. I am here to be the voice of the people. My integrity as a Journalist will never be paid even if it costs a gold. The people need to hear the truth and not information that will lead them to be fooled." I said with finality and tried to get away but the questions are still rushing.

"Alam mo ba na pwede kang mapahamak sa mga sinasabi mo ngayon?"

Tumigil ako sa pag-ambang paglalakad at hinarap ang reporter na nagtanong. I looked at her straight in the eyes.

"Alam ko ang ginagawa ko. If I will be shot today, you know where to go. I did my job with dignity and honesty; I play the role of an effective Journalist. I think that is enough to consider I made my duty right on this field."

"But they are accusing you of spreading negativity of politicians in your article. Tila may ipinapahiwatig ka sa ginagawa ni Secretary Librador."

"For everyone's information, I am a journalist. I serve the public, not the politicians."

Sapilitan ko nang inalis ang aking sarili sa kumpol na iyon kahit pa pilit nilang sinusundan ng tanong ang mga sagot ko. I entered my car and the tears started to roll down on my cheeks. Marahas ko silang pinalis at pinilit kinalma ang aking sarili.

I am brave enough to face the people with my unafraid expression but I can't deny the fact that when I am alone, doon lumalabas ang lahat ng kaba sa aking puso. I am scared for my life. I am scared that they will come after my family but I can't just digest to think about what I know yet I refuse to tell it to the public. Hindi ako patutulugin ng aking konsensiya habang naiisip ang pwedeng maging kasiraan ng mga ginagawa ni Librador.

I breathe in and out. Inayos ko ang aking sarili bago ko pinatunog ang aking sasakyan at dumiretso na sa opisina. I was greeted by the journalist and told me they heard the news. I only told them that I am fine before I walked towards my table.

Pagod akong umupo sa aking upuan at hinilot ang aking sentido. Kinuha ko ang aking cellphone at sinabihan si Mommy na mag-ingat at huwag munang lalabas ng bahay. I put down my phone after I sent that message and opened my mac book.

"Gwapo mo naman, Sir!"

Naputol ang aking mga naiisip nang marinig ang mahinang ingay. Masyado akong okupado sa aking naiisip na hindi ko napansin na may kung ano sa loob ng opisina. I pushed my computer chair backwards para makiisyuso sa nangyayari. Kumunot ang noo ko nang makita na nagkukumpulan ang mga kasama ko sa hindi kalayuang gilid.

"Ano 'yan?" Tanong ko sa kanila.

Tumayo ako para sana lumapit doon ngunit halos mawalan ako ng balanse nang makita kung ano ang pinagkakaguluhan nila. The group were divided into two that made me to see what the commotions all about are.

The familiar two pairs of deep almond eyes met mine. My lips parted and I can hear my heart pounding so loud because of shock.

"Reese, meet our new Marketing Manager. This is Mr. Sethtopher Tobias Alcaraz!" Maligayang pakilala sa'kin ng aming boss.

Masyado akong namangha sa kaniyang presensiya na hindi ko na namalayang nakalapit silang dalawa sa'king harapan. Toby gave me a friendly smile that I quickly felt my tears forming again.

It's been years... six years to be exact since the last time I saw him. I never heard news about him anymore and I didn't have so much time to think about him again after all the things that happened to me in the previous years. I've become busy and I put all my attention to my job and Mom. Ni isang beses sa limang taon na nagdaan, pagbalik ko sa bansang ito, hindi siya sumagi sa aking isipan. He never crossed my mind not until I saw him right in front of me now.

Naglahad siya sa akin ng kamay na halos hindi ko magawang tanggapin iyon dahil gulantang pa rin ako. Itinikom ko ang nakaawang kong labi at tinanggap ang kamay niyang agad nagbigay sa akin ng ibang pakiramdam.

He changed a lot. With how the way he dressed now, his body built and his hair... his aura changed. He doesn't seem to be the Toby I met years ago. He turned darker and more masculine. He turned to be manlier than before. Maikli at malinis na ang buhok niya kumpara noon. Ang kaswal niyang pananamit noon ay hindi na katulad ngayon. He's dressed in a white button shirt and dark slacks that he looks so dashing with just that. His changes are very apparent.

His calloused hand left my hand that I quickly pick up my almost lost senses. Masyado ko atang napatagal ang paghawak sa kaniyang kamay na siya na mismo ang unang bumitaw. Namula ang aking pisngi at umusbong ang kahihiyan sa aking katawan.

"N-Nice meeting you. I'm C-Clarisse." Halos mabulol kong pakilala.

Six years is a long way. I don't know what happened to him and if he still knows me. But I would like to think that he still... remember me.

"Nice to see you again, Clarisse." He said huskily.

He still has that effect on me. The way he pronounced my name... I feel so special. Ayoko mang maramdaman ulit iyon, hindi ko maiwasan ngayong nandito siya sa aking harapan. Totoo at hindi guni-guni.

He flashed a handsome smirk that I want to cry out my mesmerization but I didn't. I tried to smile but I probably look like a constipated one because I can feel my obvious awkwardness.

"Let's go, Mr. Alcaraz. I still need to introduce you to the other department."

Toby didn't tear his stare at me. I have to look away first so I won't look like... like... I... miss... him...

No!

Umalis silang dalawa at bumalik ako sa aking upuan. Narinig ko ang makahulugang pag-ubo ni Pablo pero inignora ko iyon. Tumitig ako sa aking macbook ngunit hindi ko natiis at ibinalik ko ang tingin sa likod. I saw his broad back on me and later on he's gone.

Ibinalik ko ang tingin sa aking ginagawa. Nanatiling kumakabog ang aking puso dahilan kung bakit kinailangan kong hawakan ang aking dibdib na para bang magagawa ko itong patigilin sa pagwawala.

"Nangangamoy nakaraan. Hmmm." Parinig ni Pablo.

Five years ago, my father died. I have to come back here to the Philippines to be with my Mom and brother. That's when I realized that losing a person who's close to your heart is not an easy thing to get move on. I saw how my mother gets depressed because of grief. Doon ko natanto na hindi madaling mawalan ng taong minamahal. I love my father but the pain I had is surely not close to the pain it caused to my mother. She is his wife and lover... it's excruciatingly painful to lose a partner who has been there with you for a long time. And it's sad to know that some comes at will and leave without saying goodbye.

I didn't have my proper goodbye for my father when he was still alive. Ni hindi ko siya naabutang buhay noong dumating ako sa Pilipinas. And when I saw him breathless, pakiramdam ko ang daya-daya ng mundo. Kasi bakit agad binawi ang buhay ni Daddy. Bakit hindi man lang ako nabigyan ng pagkakataon na makausap muna siya kahit ilang saglit bago siya nawala... bakit walang senyales.

Thinking about the grief I had felt back when my Dad died makes me realize how insensitive and selfish I am then with Toby's feelings. Totoo ang sinasabi nila na hangga't hindi mo nararamdaman ang sakit na pinagdadaanan ng isang tao, hindi mo siya maiiintindihan. Hindi sapat ang alam mo lang, ang opinyon mo lang para mapatunayang naiintindihan mo sila dahil ang totoo, wala tayong alam.

Humans feel emotions. That is what I fail to understand before. That the love he gave for Mia is really beyond death. He truly loves her that it is difficult to just replace her. I was naive to think that there is such age in love, that there is a time limit in moving on when in fact, it's always an indefinite phase of how long it will take before the wounds heal, before accepting, and finally letting go. Dead or not, it hurts when it hurts.

Respeto ang nawala sa akin noong inisip ko na madali lang makalimot ng minamahal... I was impulsive to think of only myself. I was wrong when I thought everyone has the same opinion of me as theirs.

But I grew and learned... the latter here is that we all can change for the better.

I smiled bitterly. Unfortunately, I only have to learn when my father died. But I know that he's gone for a reason.

"Nangangamoy nakaraan."

I glared at Pablo who has been chanting those words repeatedly.

"Shut up." Banta ko na tinawanan niya lang.

"Anong meron?" Isyuso ng iba dahil naririnig na nilang tumatawa si Pablo.

I rolled my eyes and ignored all his teasing.

"Tadhana na nga ba..." He even tried to sing it.

"Manahimik ka nga!" Halos isigaw ko iyon sa kaniya.

"Hi, Sir Toby! Ano pong kailangan ninyo?" Pablo suddenly asked fakely.

I glared at him more. Hindi niya na ako pinansin dahil abala na siya sa pagtitig sa kung sino. I rolled my eyes again but it was haltered when I saw who was standing next to my table.

"I'm sorry. May naiwan lang ako." He said and eyed me before he gets something on another table.

Kumalabog ng husto ang puso ko. Nag-iwas ako ng tingin, takot na mapansin niyang may epekto pa rin siya sa'kin hanggang ngayon.