*everything's feeling a bit much for me, so here's this. I almost did drive over a wall today and I kinda wish I kept going over the wall.

       Have I ever told you that I don't like being yelled at? Well, it's true, even though someone's always yelling at me and I'm always yelling at someone else. It startles me, honest. My parents always yelled and it made me think that they'd start hitting each other.

       This was one of those times we're I couldn't take being in a relationship anymore. You see, I was over Richie's and we were arguing because today he almost ran over this wall whilst driving. I told him that he needed to be careful and he said 'baby, I know that, it scared the shot out of me just knowing you were in that car'. So here we were.

       "Arrietty, seriously, can you shut up for like, two minutes, please!" He yelled. Each time he did it my heart sank but I wouldn't let him know that. It's make it seem as if I'm trying to play mind games.

       "No, Richard, I can't, why can't you ever just talk to me. You make me have to scream at you all the time cause you don't listen!" I yelled back. He was on the his couch, fingers rubbing his temples. I was by the door, still with my shoes on, jacket hanging up from the cold February weather.

       "Why would I want to listen to someone who can't listen themselves. You aren't as perfect as everyone makes you out to be, you make mistakes, and you hate when you're corrected. Plus, you make everyone else around you feel stupid!" I scrunched my nose up and crossed my arms over my chest to keep my frightened heart at bay. I couldn't cry, not now, not in front of Richie like this.

    "Well stop plugging that into my head. That's all I've heard from for since we've started this relationship. It's not my fault that I'm surrounded by idiotic jackasses!" I need to cry.

      "Well, maybe I'll go find some other girl to tell that to. Maybe she won't be so contradicting?" I really need to cry.

      "Fine, shell be taller, and blonde, and white. You'd like that a lot better, huh?" I'm such a fucking prick.

       "Maybe so." He said. I rolled my eyes and walked up his stairs and into his room. He followed close behind me and watched as I grabbed a box filled with all of his records and dumped them out, beginning to fill it with my own materials.

      "Whatever, Richard!" I said as he came in and began starting his bullshit again.

       "What the fuck do you think you're doing, Arrietty?" He asked as he began picking up his records and throwing them on his bed.

      "I'm leaving. I'm packing up all of my shit so that you can have room for your next blonde bitch!" The anger inside of him rose to his face. You could see how much he regretted this. I think you could hear how much I hated it all. I'm so over this whole 'being alive' thing. This trend is dead— I wish I was.

      "Stop, put that back." He said grabbing the box and throwing it on the floor harshly, making it spill over.

       "What the fuck, Richard!" He began putting all of my stuff back while we fought over the box.

      "God, why do you have to make everything so complicated. I'm starting to question if you even love me anymore." He mumbled under his breath, not caring if I heard.

       "Well, why don't you let me leave then? Why don't you just break up with me?" My heart sank...again.

       "I love you, I'm completely and madly in love with you. You don't understand this do you? I don't want to live without you, but if you want to go off and fuck Eddie in his mother's living room chair the I won't stop you if it makes you happy!" He was mad. Was he angry over Eddie
.
      "Well, I love you too. But you can't always be a narcissistic, egotistical, asshole who can't give a damn about anything. You always do shot like this you never care," he began covering his ears and walking over to his bed's side, "you can't just face facts and talk, it's always an argument with you. You've done it to Bev, Eds, and Bill. You can't just-"

       "For Christ's sake, shut the fuck up!" That's when it happened. My biggest fear— an out of control verbal argument turned physical. At first I didn't realize what happen but I know I screamed and the room went dark.

      My ears rung and I didn't know where I was when I opened my eyes again, but it flooded back to me. No time had past and I hadn't gone anywhere, but my thought hazed. Richie threw his lamp at me.

      It didn't hit me, it just combusted when it shattered against the wall near my face. I screamed from everything— shock, pain, fear— it was all too much. I immediately broke down in tears as strong arms wrapped around me. Quickly Richie found the light switch to the big light and saw all the damage. I slowly collapsed and began looking at it all.

       "Holy fuck, baby, I am so sorry." He said with tears steaming his face, as did mine. He tried picking me up but I sunk to the floor. I don't think I was breathing, my mouth was hinged open and I covered it with my hands. Richie slowly sank with me as well and enveloped me in a hug.

      The salty tears stung my cheek and made me feel it. I didn't since as the pain, but it made my eyes water more than they were already. Blood was on my fingers.

      "I am so, so, so sorry, baby." He kept whispering to himself. At least his parents were out.

        "I-I'm sorry, sweets, your lamp broke." I said to him. He looked at me as if I were mad. I cried even harder.

       "Arri, fuck the lamp, are you okay, did I hurt you too bad? I'm so sorry, beautiful."I let my hair cover my cheek. Not now.

       "No, your mom let you get that lamp from the thrift shop cause you did great on your satisfactory report from you teachers a few years back. I'm sorry, baby. Can we fix it. I'll fix it if you want." He shook his head and grabbed my face. He kissed me a few times, forcefully. I made him break his lamp.

      "I'm just glad you're okay, from the car accident to this. Arrietty, I'm sorry, I mean it. I love you, please don't leave me, I can't survive without you. O-or maybe you should? I'm a pretty shitty boyfriend, huh?" He was sobbing real tears. I took his glasses off and cleaned the fog off of them. Placing them on his face.

       "I'm a horrible girlfriend. I can, make it up to you. I can buy you a new lamp, take you on a date, I just want you to feel alright, are you alright?" I want my ears to stop ringing, I want my cheek to stop bleeding.

       "You have nothing to make up. You're the best human being in the world and I never want you hurt, precious." He pushed my head onto his chest. I smiled and pushed my bloody cheek on his shirt. I pulled away and smiled. He finally looked down at his short and saw the blood. Not too much, just scratches.

      He pulled my hair away and observed my injuries, "I think we should break up." He spoke. What about all that talk of wanting me forever?

      "What, no, why?" Tears stung my eyes.

      "I hurt you, Arrietty, I basically hit you; there's something seriously wrong with me. I never thought I'd be capable of doing something like this, but fuck, I was wrong. I don't want to hurt you again, and what about when we want to have kids? They can't grow up with that kind of family." He chooses now to listen to me and think about someone other than himself?

     "Bubs, I know what you're saying, but you're not that type of guy. I think, I think we're the same right now. I think things are getting to be too much and we're both doing regrettable things to cope." He furrowed his brows.

      "What 'regrettable things' have you done?" I'm gonna be in big trouble.

       "You know Anne in my AP Bio class?" He nodded, "Well, she has this depression medicine and it's the highest dosage they can prescribe. I took one last week, it made me feel...nothing. I was a literal robot and it made me feel okay." He frowned at me.

       "Oh, baby, love." He kissed my forehead, "don't do that, you could have gotten sick, or overdosed. Why didn't you tell me?"

        "Cause you don't talk," his face softened, "you yell and it scares me." I felt my lip quiver.

       "Arri, are you saying that I scare you?" He looked around at the destruction of his room, "you were that scared during all of this and you didn't ask me to stop, so I really scare you?" I stayed silent.

       "I'm not just an asshole or a shitty boyfriend, I'm a disgusting human being. Hell, I should be in prison, look at what I did to you." He held me close.

      "If you go to prison, I'm murdering someome so I can go too," I caressed his face, "I need to learn to not be such a know-it-all. You're right, I'm not smart, nor perfect, I don't need to act it either."

      "You are perfect, to me you are. And I guess to Eddie too?" He said it more like a question, making me laugh, "you're beyond smart, probably why you'll be off at Yale and I'll be here at community college." He sighed. I wiped some of the sweat from his forehead.

       "I won't leave you, Rich, I couldn't. Who'd tell me I have a great ass everyday?" We laughed together. We're odd. Strange.

       "I'd hope no one, but if they do I'll kick their ass." He slowed his laughter and looked at me with the same admiring eyes he had when he first started staring at me Flacco's the lunch room in eighth grade, "I adore you, Arrietty Denise." He said.

      "And I, you, Richard Michael." I said giving him a long, slow, soft kiss. You could hear the smack sound when we pulled away. He licked his lips and kept his eyes closed.

      "Apple," He said I grinned at him, "you drive me crazy, woman." He said before picking me up and traveling down his stairs. He threw me on the couch and then laid upon me.

       "You're telling me." I said as he held my hips and kissed my neck.

      Things just get to be a bit much sometimes.

Finished: Monday, April 2, 201&. 9:27 pm.

Published: Monday, April 2, 2018. 9:28 pm.