"You okay?" Birdie asked from behind his pile of paperwork. I was struggling to get through my biology homework and had just sighed for the fifth time in ten minutes. 

"Sarah the therapist wants to medicate me," I muttered. She had suggested it at our last session. It would help on my anxiety and PTSD, she said. She was talking about anti-depressants as well. 

"You feel up for that? It might help."

"I don't need drugs." 

"It's not actual drugs. It's like taking antibiotics to get rid of an infection." Birdie took off his reading glasses and put them down on the table. 

"Che thinks, I should do it," I muttered and closed my notebook.

There was only Birdie and me in the house. Jake had taken Nat out shopping, Ryan was with the girls and Che was out running. 

"What do you think?" 

What did I think? In the end, I didn't really have a choice did I? I had said I didn't want to go to a therapist, but I was there once a week. I really hated drugs, and now she wanted me to take them daily. 

"I don't want to lose control." 

Birdie sighed and leaned back in his chair. "What do you mean?"

"I don't want to be that person that digs out an eye with a spoon, because he kicked a rock I was looking at." 

"These drugs are not the same as the ones in prison. Those were practically tranquillisers, and you should never have been on them in the first place for that long. They kept feeding them to you, even after your episode was over. These drugs are more like mood stabilisers. They make it easier for you to... Be. There are irregularities in your brain, and with the right medication, those irregularities could be fixed. Your life could be a lot easier." 

"What are the side-effects?" 

"I don't know. Do you want me to go with you to your next session?"

"If it's not too much trouble."

He smiled his half smile. "Not at all." 

"I am glad you decided to join us, Sentry Levy," Sarah the therapist said and smiled coolly. She knew what Birdie thought of her and her 'sessions' with me. He had decided him being there, probably wouldn't be very productive. So I was happy to have him with me this time. He could speak my case better than I could. 

"You want to put my subject on medication. As his legal guardian and supervisor I felt obligated," Birdie replied coolly. 

"It's good. Nathan has such a strong foundation to stand on in these troubling times." 

"Are these troubling times, doc?" Birdie narrowed his eyes at her. 

She briefly regarded him with a sharp look before turning to me. "Nathan, have you thought about what we discussed last week?"

"I don't want any drugs," I said, just like the last time.

"I think you should reconsider, Nathan. This would benefit you in many ways. You could even stop your anxiety." 

"And what if I don't want that?" I asked earning a concerned look from Birdie. "What if it's the only thing holding me back?"

"Holding you back from what?"

"From killing again."

Sarah the therapist, looked over at Birdie.

"I've only killed under the influence of either drugs or my brother. I am not being controlled by anything here, as far as that goes, and I have no intentions nor urge to kill anybody. I've been less violent here than I've ever been in my life, so tell me... Why the fuck would you put me on drugs with this knowledge?"

"It's not the same, Nathan. These drugs will only help you." 

"And how do you know that for sure? I'm sorry, but I won't risk anybody's lives just so I can feel better." I leaned back in my chair and crossed my arms over my chest. 

"Has anybody ever told you, you have an impressive insight?"

I didn't answer.

"I think Nathan has shown he is fully capable of understanding his own difficulties, and I am going to propose he stops coming here. It doesn't seem to do anything for him, and he has been coming here for three months. There should have been some changes, and there isn't. He barely sleeps, and the shifting disorder hasn't changed at all. Get him close to the house after dark, and he almost shifts just like that. I've had greater success with him, and will take over any further psychiatric work." Birdie rose from his seat and looked down at me. "Come on, Nathan." 

I glanced over at Sarah the therapist and couldn't help but smirk a bit. Che was rubbing off on me. Sarah, the therapist, just looked disappointed back at me.

Sorry, Sarah. You won't get to treat the most famous feral ever.

"Nat," I said quietly.

She looked up at me from her spot on the grass and propped herself up on her elbows so she could see me. 

"What is it?"

"When you shift... Are you conscious?" 

She sat up properly and smiled. "Yes." 

"And can you just do it? And shift back again?"

"Yes."

My heart started pounding as I took courage to ask the next question. "Can you teach me?"

She rose to her feet walked over the lawn and dropped down next to me on the steps to the porch. 

"I can try." 

"I want to learn... Since we got separated, I felt like I was missing something. A piece of me. And I think the animal did too. That's why he was so... Angry with me. I don't think he's angry anymore, so this is a perfect time to actually you know... Let him in." 

"You talk about it like it's a different person. You need to understand, that what's inside of you." She put her hand on my chest. "Is you." 

"He remembered you even before I did... Before I recognised you in that room, he was going crazy." 

"Maybe whatever happened to you wasn't working on it. It remembers." She closed her eyes, and I felt it stirring. I felt hers stirring as well. She took my hand and put it on top of hers on my chest. "I can feel it, can you?" she murmured. 

"Yes," I whispered and closed my eyes too. The minute she started purring, I could feel the animal inside of me doing it too. We were connecting on a much deeper level, and to be honest, it felt a bit weird.

I felt the tingling starting in my fingers. I opened my eyes and jerked back. She opened hers too, but her eyes weren't hers. She blinked, and they returned to human... They had been the eyes of a cat, the pupil thin slits, and the colour even brighter than normal. 

"You're afraid." She kept her hand on my chest, gently pressing her palm against me. "If you're afraid of yourself, you can't control the shift. Have you ever shifted, because you wanted to?"

"Twice... But I was in danger, close to being killed both times." 

"The animal part of you knew that, and that's why it gave you power. You need to convince yourself, you can use the shift as more than just a weapon." 

"What else is it good for?" I muttered.

"I use it all the time. When Jake makes steaks, I heighten my senses so I can enjoy it more." She smiled, her eyes glistening. "You can use your animal part for all kinds of stuff. Why shouldn't you? It's your animal." 

"But how do you do it?" That was the thing I didn't understand. How did she get that level of control? 

"I embraced my animal side a long time ago. Dad taught me." She balled her fist in my shirt.

It became harder and harder for her to talk about our family. She missed them.

"It didn't take long. Dad always said I was more animal than human." Sadness had crept into her voice. I put my arm around her and pulled her close. She tilted her head up and looked at me. "He missed you like I did. We both lost a piece of ourselves the day you disappeared." 

"I didn't disappear..." I muttered. "They took me away." It sounded like something she would say, I realised.

She wrapped her arms around me and rested her cheek on my shoulder.

"The animals part of you knows that. It needed you to know too. And you're starting to. Starting to remember what really happened. I think you are ready." 

"Really?" I wanted to be ready. I felt ready. I was sure I could do it with her help.

"Really," she said and nodded. "During the night is when we're most connected to our animal selves on an involuntary level. Being outside helps your animal to not feel caged, even though you have caged it. You never shift. If you were able to shift regularly, you would probably be able to stay inside after dark." She grabbed my hand and squeezed it. "Embrace the animal, Nathan."

It was dark, and I was sitting in the cottage. Che was reading up on his exams and needed me to be quiet. Which obviously wasn't a problem. He was graduating before Christmas, early like his brothers, so he needed to study hard now.

I was trying to embrace the animal, but how do you even do that? I mean, it was inside of me, and I couldn't just say... I embrace you, little cat. It couldn't be that easy.

I looked over at Che. He was sitting hunched over his books, spinning the pencil around his fingers like Birdie. I felt the animal rolling around, happy that I was paying attention to Che. It always wanted more. It was greedy. Or maybe I wasn't greedy enough, and that was what it was compensating for. 

Che sighed deeply, humming a tuneless tone and stilled his hand. He wrote something down in his notebook next to him and looked up at me. 

"What are you staring at?" he asked and looked rather exhausted. 

"You," I replied and smiled. He rolled his eyes and turned his attention back to his books. Everything inside of me screamed at me to go to him. And he wasn't even that far away. I was sitting on one couch, and he was sitting in the one across.

I rose and sat down next to him, peeking over his shoulder at what he was doing. I didn't understand a single thing in his book. It was just a bunch of weird designs and then a bunch of text. Che glanced at me briefly when I sat down, but turned back to his book again. The animal got more and more excited, the longer I looked at him. He sighed again and closed his notebook.

"I am so tired," he muttered and leaned back in the couch, running his hands over his face. 

"You wanna go to bed?" I asked and stroked a strand of hair away from his eyes. 

"Yeah, I'm not getting any more done tonight anyways. My brain is turning to mush." 

I leaned back too. Our shoulders were touching, and the animal rolled around again. I focused on what the animal wanted, trying to show I was ready to embrace it. As always it pushed me towards Che. I put my hand on his thigh. The animal purred for a second. My senses heightened, but there was no tingling in my fingers. Nothing indicated I was shifting. I moved my hand up to his cheek and turned his head towards me. 

"Che," I whispered and kissed him very softly.

He sharply inhaled and looked at me, his eyes shining. I planted small kisses all over his face, whispering his name before each of them. I had no idea what I was doing. The animal was steering me in this direction, and I didn't fight it.

He turned his body to me, allowing me to continue down his throat. I kept kissing him, the taste of him intoxicating.

I moved back up to his mouth and bit down on his lower lip, forcing them both apart. There was nothing in this world I had ever wanted, as much as I wanted him to be mine. All mine. Only mine. The animal roared in agreement, happy to possess him. Mine to protect, mine to defend. Mine.

We had been together for about 5 months going on 6. And I loved him. I was so sure of it. Everything inside of me yearned for him whenever we were separated. I was split in three, one piece for me, one for Nat and one for him. And I felt whole for once in my life. Despite the massive black void of memory loss, I felt complete.

I slowed down the kiss and slowly pulled away. I ran my thumb over his cheek. "I love you," I said softly. He looked very seriously at me.

"Say that again," he said with a flat voice. 

I couldn't help but smile. He had noticed. Part of me was afraid he didn't really care, I never said it back. Because maybe he didn't really mean it when he said it.

"I love you, Che," I whispered, not brave enough to say it louder. He blinked rapidly several times.

"I thought you didn't," he whispered. "And I was okay with it, because... Nobody ever loves me, you know? They like me, sure. Like me because of how I look, but when they get to know me, they lose interest. I thought it just took longer with you. You know? Took you longer to lose interest." All the walls around him, the arrogance and the sarcasm, broke down completely.

He was a very striking guy. With an almost too symmetrical face to be human, big round deep, dark blue eyes, fair olive skin. Dark hair always tied up at the nape of his neck or hanging loosely around his face in soft waves. Broad shoulders, narrow hips, muscular.

I had a hard time believing nobody loved him like he thought. He was funny and nice. Supportive, loyal, patient. Loving.

And he was incredibly smart. He spoke a crazy amount of languages and actually enjoyed reading about computer science. If he just believed in himself more, he could have graduated earlier. I was sure of it. He was stupid smart, but not confident enough in himself. It made sense though. His brothers were hard to compete with, and he was the youngest.

He took my face in his hands and looked deeply into my eyes. "But... You..." He studied my face, his eyes bouncing over my features. He pressed his forehead to mine. "You're so goddamn beautiful, and you don't even see it, do you?" I wasn't so sure he was only talking about how I looked anymore.

"You love me...?"

I nodded. His eyes got very shiny, and he blinked again. A tear unhooked itself from his lashes and ran down his cheek. I brushed it away with my thumb. My fingers traced the outline of his jaw, before going up in his hair. His amazing hair. 

"I love you too," he said with a hoarse voice.

"I know," I murmured and kissed him again. The animal was happy. More than happy. Ecstatic. He loved me, I loved him.