I thank God that Camryn didn't hang around and wasn't in the conference room when I push her brother through the door roughly thirty minutes after she did the thing I didn't have the balls to do. I felt like such a fucking coward as I watched her walk away from me after a poor attempt on my part to tell her how I feel. I wasn't lying when I told her I want all the same things she does, that every single thought she's had, I've shared, if not magnified until every other thought in my head is consumed by her. I have no idea when it started, or how it morphed so quickly into something I can't quite fight anymore. But with every thought of Camryn in my head, another thought follows, reminding me that the truth still lies beneath the surface. I'm already hurting her before we've even had the chance to begin something real and she doesn't even know it.

I've tried to come up with a solution for weeks now, thinking that there has to be a scenario where everyone wins. I already got my money, but I could find a way to pay Cal back in advance and wipe my hands clean of the situation. Then I could just focus on helping Camryn follow through with her plan. More importantly I could have her all to myself. But no matter how many times I rewrite the play or rerun the route I always come up empty handed.

That's the only reason I asked Camryn to wait for the season to be over. It's been my only solution all along. Cal and I originally agreed on terms that only included the active season. The plan has always been for me to find a way to make my own money once the playoffs are over and I declare for the draft. I've even talked to my counselor about all online classes next semester so I can go back to Texas to be closer to my mom. That was the plan from the beginning, but then Camryn had to go and be...her.

Even with that plan still burning in the back of my mind, watching her walk away from me like she was leaving for good. I could only picture continuing to live my life, but without her in it and it fucking hurts. The thought that everyday would begin and end without talking to her, seeing her, sharing things with her. So here I am, throwing fucking caution to the wind. I have no idea what I'll do about my mom's treatment, but Cal gave no timeline for his repayment.

Cal curses me and demands an explanation as I shove him through the door, closing it behind me. I would be pissed too if one of my friends swarmed me like an ex-girlfriend as I shoved him away from a group and down the hall into this room.

"I need out," I explain, "Our deal, the money, I don't want it anymore. Camryn doesn't need me anymore and I don't want to be her fucking babysitter. I want out." I leave out the fact that I very much want to watch after Camryn, but on my terms. No longer with a dollar sign waving over her head, or with me running back to her brother to tell him things he should already know. I want to be with her under no pretense. I want to feel the same relief I did when she walked in tonight. Everytime I see her, I only want to feel relief.

"Not an option," Cal spews, crossing his arms and stepping away from me.

"I can't do it anymore. I don't know how you don't feel like a piece of shit. All I think about is how unfair this is to her. We're messing with her and she has no idea. If she ever found out, what would she think about you?"

"You mean, what would she think about you? That's what this is about, right? You've gone and caught feelings for my sister and now you need to save your conscience, right?" I let the weight of my head drop. I can't deny it anymore and it's the honesty that I need him to see in me, to give me what I'm asking. I need him to continue to keep this secret from her. He should want his sister to be happy, and she can be happy with me.

"Yeah nine, I like your sister. But that's not what this is about. It doesn't feel right. It hasn't for a while."

I've fought it for weeks. This feeling that I've been some sort of mastermind in this twisted game we're playing. I've created ways to convince myself that I'm not just using Camryn, but the further we got on the board the more unclear the rules became. Lines are blurred between the real reasons I've been with her and the justifications I've created to ease my mind. What started as a compensation for her father's lack of trust quickly transformed into my own selfish agenda. The closer Camryn and I got, the harder it became to draw that fine line, to maintain the ruse of a friendship.

"Come on Cal. If it's about the money, I'll be honest I've already used it. But as soon as football is over, I'll get a job. I'll pay you back, every cent. Just let me out." I pause to catch my breath. Cal continues to watch me, stone faced. "You don't even need me to give you updates anymore. You've seen her, she doesn't need anyone to look out for her. If you would take two minutes to have a conversation with her you would hear it in her voice, too. She's not the same person she was when she was sixteen, or even the same one you forced to come to your parties at the beginning of the semester. She's changed. She's strong, driven."

"What about your mom?" he asks. I can't tell if he's being sincere, or trying to guilt me into staying in our arrangement.

"Let me worry about her. Just— do we have an understanding? Our business, it's done?" I ask. I don't know what else I can say. Cal eyes me. He shifts on his feet and shoves his hands deep in the pockets of his pants.

"Yeah...okay, but Camryn can't know the truth," he finally says. I make a gesture to acknowledge his request, but I really want to call him a fucking idiot. I never want to hurt Camryn, and this very truth would crush her. It would change everything between us, and how she sees me. It's what she would think if she knew just how much her family still doubts her that scares me the most.

Cal doesn't say anything else after reaching a hand out for me to shake. As he leaves me standing alone in the conference room I can finally breathe. I exhale deeply, feeling my shoulders relax as I do. I haven't been able to release my muscles since Camryn grabbed my hand and pulled me off the dance floor. Relief flows through me, followed by the realization of what just happened. I did exactly what I needed to do. All that's left is to go find my girl.

🏈🏈🏈

I think my mom was more sad that Camryn wasn't around to say goodbye and so she could thank her again for everything than she was about leaving me. I gladly accepted the task of thanking Camryn for the both of us though. My mom only chuckled as she pulled me in for one last hug and kiss on my cheek.

Camryn once told me to take the time to memorize all the small things in life while I still have the chance to. For her, she never knew that the last time was the last time. It's why her biggest regret is not remembering the simple day to day things about her mom. She's spent years having to play a guessing game of if her memories are real, or just her imagination's way of dealing with her loss. I hate that Camryn can't turn to her family to fill in the blanks the way Nora and I could if something happened to my mom. Camryn is the reason that when I pull away from my mom, I take a few seconds to study her face. And Camryn never has to be alone again. She has my family, and me. I want to remember all the small things about her too. I make a promise to myself to savor every moment with her.

I've called her phone at least four times since making it back to my truck in the airport terminal parking. I'm driving way too fast, but Camryn still hasn't responded to my calls. I need to talk to her to try and fix the hurt I know I caused tonight.

I pull into the parking lot across from her dorm, not wanting to waste the time of parking at my house and walking the half mile here. I run with large strides to the concrete stairs, taking them three at a time. The door is locked though, leaving me to pace back and forth in front of the glass. The residents working the desk have been eyeing me, but so far haven't offered me help or called campus security to escort me away.

At least another ten minutes of rehearsing possible speeches passes by before a group of girls make their way into the building. I rush quickly to follow them inside. The girl in the back turns to ask me if I live here. I ignore her and squeeze my way through their group. I make it to the stairwell before anyone at the front desk can stop to question me. I take the stairs two at a time, pushing the limits of the seams of my dress pants. I didn't have time to change, and I don't give a shit if my pants rip.

My feet carry me to her floor in record time. I luckily don't run into any other girls in her hallway or as I reach her door. It's only when I'm standing in front of her door that I finally stop to catch my breath. Raising a fist, I move to knock on the metal. It opens almost immediately, as if she were waiting for me. She's freshly showered and in her robe with her toothbrush and toothpaste in hand.

"Hi," I sigh in relief. Part of me was sure that she wouldn't be here and that I would be on an all night manhunt to find her.

"Hi," she says timidly.

I won't delay it any further. I reach out for her and pull her to me with one swift movement. The beat of her heart thunders against my chest, mimicking my own. I don't even give her time to think. It's finally my turn to make the first move. I use my hand to tilt her chin up, giving me access to her mouth. I don't hesitate as I cover it with my own. I pull away briefly to scan her face, to search for any indication that she doesn't want me to continue. Camryn doesn't say anything. Instead, she uses her hand to pull my head back towards hers, bringing our mouths crashing together once more.