I had convinced myself in the Houston airport that I was making a mistake and then again when I landed in the Dallas airport for my layover. But it wasn't until I landed in the small Abilene airport that I actually considered turning around, rebooking a ticket and just going home. I could save myself from all the situations I knew were waiting for me on the other end of my Uber ride. It's the same reason that when I got to the hospital and went to the floor Nora told me their mom was on, I couldn't even tell the nurse who I was there to see. It was like if I spoke the words aloud that everything would fly at me all at once. It wasn't until I was outside, pacing and contemplating what I would say to him, that I finally let myself think about what it means. Because no one rushes to an airport, spends twelve hours waiting for planes and connecting flights to be with someone just for it to not mean something.

Gabi accused me of running away from my problems, but what does it mean if I run towards them just adding kindling to the fire? But for every thought like that, another would invade my brain. A mixture of panic and excitement have fueled adrenaline for the past day. Stepping off the plane in Abilene felt like stepping into a space filled with the freshest air. I could instantly breathe better just knowing I was closer to Taylor and his family. The only better feeling was finally seeing him. His eyes were bloodshot and heavy with stress and all I couldn't think about was jumping into his arms and letting my legs wrap around his middle.

Shea's hand begins to rustle under mine, forcing me to sit a little straighter. I'm not sure what to expect. I don't know if she's sedated or on any other medications. Taylor didn't tell me if they've started any sort of hospice care, but knowing they can't do anything else for her cancer I can only assume that it's coming.

"Taylor?" Shea calls out. Her eyes open slowly and then close again as if she's still drifting in and out of her deep sleep.

"He's uhm... he went to get Nora from school. It's Camryn, Shea. Taylor's friend Camryn." I say. I lean forward to give her a better angle of my face just in case she can't see me from where she's laying. She grabs the remote and asks me to sit her up a little further.

"I'm out of it honey, but not too out of it to forget who you are or that you are not just Taylor's friend." I blush at her sudden with-it-ness. She's obviously on no type of sedation. She attempts to readjust herself and I help to resituate the pillows behind her. Now that she's sitting up she looks more like herself.

"Hi...I just— wanted to come see you, check on you guys after I heard," I say. She turns her head slightly, but I decide to move and sit on the edge of her bed to make it easier on her.

"I'm glad you did, my Tay needs you. I told you he would, but I was worried that he ruined it. You know, when he decided to be a jackass and take the money from your brother. I told him he didn't deserve for you to ever talk to him again. I've always taught him that his actions have consequences. I hope he's been leaving you alone. That's what I told him to do. He needed to let you make the first move." For someone who was just sleeping deeply her words come out fast and so matter of factly. But maybe it's because she knows she will fall asleep again soon, and needs to get it all out quickly. I appreciate the way she isn't shying away from the situation or the weight of her son's role in it.

I consider how to answer and if I even want to answer. Taylor and I haven't talked. He has left me alone except for the picture on Christmas. But I assumed I would talk about this with him before her, or anyone else for that matter. I thought that I would have more time to process and rehearse a speech or something before having to verbalize my thoughts.

"He's been very respectful," I say. "He didn't call me, but I wanted to be here. For you and for him," I admit.

We get interrupted by a nurse who checks Shea's vitals, and a few other things I look away for. I want to give her privacy without actually leaving the room. Her nurse asks if she would like anything to eat, but Shea declines. I have a feeling she's been turning down most meals with how thin she has become.

"Where were we?" She readjusts the blanket on her lap. "Tell me about the game. I really hope you have pictures to show me. I'll forgive that you didn't send me any before the game started." She's teasing me, probably because before the first playoff game I sent her multiple pictures of the stadium and the team as they entered from the tunnel.

Even though I haven't talked to Taylor until today, I've talked to his mom and sister frequently. It's never anything important and there has been no real talk about Taylor, but the conversation continued to flow. I found myself looking forward to our messages. Apparently Shea did too because she randomly called me on a Tuesday night. I almost didn't pick up because I knew it was the same night she always calls Taylor. Somehow knowing that fact made me feel like she was going to breach the silent agreement we had made. I didn't want to talk about him, but I answered anyway. We ended up talking for over an hour, just catching up since the last time I had seen her. She even let me skip right over what happened with Taylor, only giving me some parting advice that men hardly ever get it right. She claimed it was the reason for Taylor and Nora's dad leaving and the reason she was okay when he did. Anyone who isn't willing to at least get it right isn't worth it anyway, she had vowed.

Talking with Shea transported me to a different era in my life. We talked so casually, like we were mother and daughter. She took the same tone as she asked about my troubles and offered ways to solve them. So when she called me the following Tuesday I had no choice but to answer. She asked me about school and my photography and about my plans for the future. She asked me all the questions I felt my mom would if she were still here. Shea wanted, and needed, to know all the current details of my life. And I was happy to share them. I told her all about applying to journalism school at DePaul, NYU, and Syracuse. She squealed with excitement for me and only asked that I let Nora come visit me. I had simply let her know that both her children could visit me if they wanted.

I think that's one reason I dropped everything when Cal told me the news. It made me realize that she had missed our Tuesday night call. I chalked it up to her celebrating or being too busy. She didn't owe me any of her time, after all. I never expected the reason to be because her condition had worsened. I couldn't imagine being anywhere else than right here holding her hand. Seeing Taylor is just an added bonus

I walk across the room to my bag I dropped when I first came in and grab my laptop. I come back to my spot on the edge of the bed and rest the computer on my legs. I'm afraid that the weight would be too much on her frail body if I let her hold it.

I tap the arrow from picture to picture in chronological order, hoping to make it feel like she was there. I don't have time to explain my angle for the shot as she bursts into praise with each one. The only ones she does let me provide commentary on though, are the ones of Taylor. She needs to hear exactly what I saw from him in those moments. The words come easily, the same way they did when I chose pictures of him to add to the timeline after the game. I didn't want to, but I couldn't not add them after it was such a big night for my photography. One of my photos had been featured in the Houston Chronicle after the game. But I also couldn't not document such an important moment to Taylor, even if I had admired him from a distance.

We make it to the end of the photos and Shea, being the one never to hide from the truth, breaks first, "You know he loves you, right?"

"Unfortunately. Which makes it so much harder," I say, blowing out a breath as I shut the screen.

"It is, but I appreciate the way you're making sure that you are the best version of you first. But Taylor is too. He's working to be someone who deserves someone like you. You've both experienced hurt in different ways, but you're also so similar. You take on more than necessary and put others first. When you learn how to put yourselves first, that is when you will be ready to fully give yourselves to each other."

I sit my computer on the chair beside the bed and lean over to hug her. Wrapping my arms around her, I focus on not squeezing too hard out of fear that I might break her if I do.The tears are falling before I even have a chance to say anything else. I can't even explain that I'm crying because she understands me, and somehow understands why I haven't been able to just forgive Taylor and move on no matter how bad I want to. Shea somehow knows that I've needed to make decisions for myself in order to prove that everything I've accomplished and will accomplish is for me. I've exhausted myself in the past trying to do and be something that someone else will approve of. I would make an effort to fight it, but only to end up doing exactly what was expected of me. I've wasted too many decisions by choosing what I thought was best, instead of actually picturing what I wanted my life to look like. But I think the tears continue to come because she makes me feel like I'm her child too, like she wants nothing but the best for me. You're mine now too, she had whispered as we hugged just like this in the bathroom of the hotel.

She squeezes me back with a strength I wasn't expecting and it makes me laugh. It's something Shea echoes. We only stop when Taylor walks back into the room, this time with Nora and two other people I recognize as his grandparents.

"What did we just walk in on?" Taylor asks as he walks to the bed. He leans forward and places a kiss to the top of his mom's head. As he pulls away our eyes lock. His face is only inches from mine, considering I'm still sitting on the bed with his mom. I can practically feel the exhale of his breath as he pulls away. I try my best to hide the shiver it sends down my spine by quickly jumping up to hug Nora, squeezing her tight. Then I turn to the other two in the room and formally introduce myself. They, of course, already know who I am. But I shouldn't be surprised with how much Shea and Nora like to talk. Taylor's grandparents both pull me in for a hug as I reach for a handshake.

Greetings out of the way, they all move into what I can only assume has become an afternoon routine for them the past few days. Each one moves around the room with a different task to accomplish.One is tidying her bedside tray, another checking in with the nurses to get an update. The conversation doesn't stop, though. I can only assume they are soaking in the few wakeful minutes they have with her. I don't jump in or even move from my spot by the door, instead I pull out my camera and begin to capture the moment. None of them falter at the sound of the shutter. It only proves my theory of how dialed in they attempt to be when Shea is alert. They know they need to savor these moments because there won't be many left.

Taylor leaves the room briefly to check in with the nurse who came in while he was gone. When he returns, I'm sitting on the foot of the bed with his family crowded around me. Shea couldn't let another moment pass without them seeing the pictures from the game too.

"I need to run to the house and get a few things if that's okay? Now that everyone is here," Taylor announces when he returns. His eyes move from mine to those of his family behind me. The look on his face is unreadable. I just nod, conveying that I'll be just fine here with his family.

His grandpa is the only one to respond, but he quickly tells Taylor that he doesn't need to ask permission to leave. I want to agree with him, but knowing Taylor, it probably kills him a little each time he has to leave this room and his mom.

"Take Camryn with you," Shea volunteers. I turn around to look at her, my eyes wide. Even through the betrayal, her smile only grows wider when she sees me. So much for her thinking Taylor is still working to be someone who deserves me. She must think he at least deserves to be alone with me.

I turn back around to look at Taylor. He's trying too hard to remain neutral. He may not have been the one to suggest the private time, but he's sure as hell not trying to deny that he wants it. I'm not even given the chance to answer before Nora is asking me to open my notes app so she can make a list of things she needs Taylor to bring back to her.