I lift my head off the edge of the bed and blink my eyes a few times. They've been heavy with sleep, but I can't seem to actually rest them. I double check that she's asleep and that she's still actually breathing. It's something I find myself doing far too frequently without any real thought. I see the subtle rise and fall of her chest. I place a single kiss on her hand before standing and stretching out my legs and twisting my neck from side to side. I need to find relief for the ache that constricts the muscles of my shoulders and back, but I don't think I will as long as I'm sleeping in a chair hunched over a bed.

I pull my phone out and check the time to make sure I'm not late to pick Nora up from school. Although I'm lucky she went at all. It was an actual fight between us, with raised voices and everything. It only ended because I yelled and said it was over. I wasn't going to let her argue with me about why she should be here with us. I reaffirmed that her priorities weren't going to change just because I'm home.

I tried to reassure her that I can care for our mom during the day, and that she can help in the evenings after all of her obligations are finished. Nora was reluctant to agree, but finally gave in when I agreed to come pick her up early. She doesn't have an eighth period anyway. I still have two hours until that time and my mom is finally resting. I take my chance to slip out into the hallways and head towards the nurses station to bug Stephany for information.

    Walking down the hallway doesn't feel abnormal now, not like it did just a few days ago when I raced through it frantically searching for anyone and everyone at the same time. It took hours to get to the hospital after the phone call from my grandpa. The plane could only come so fast and the boarding process took what felt like ages. No one seemed to care that whatever was going on in their lives wasn't as important as me making it to the Abilene airport as fast as I could. Forget the fact that no direct flights were possible and that I had to be in three different airports all within the state of Texas before I could even make it here. It was the one and only day the great state of Texas has ever let me down because it's so fucking big.

    By the time I did land and found a ride to the hospital, I still had to search for my family. I had first searched the cancer floor, but apparently since my mom's colon is the thing giving out that was the higher priority. I eventually found them in the waiting room of the gastroenterology unit. I wrapped my arms around Nora first and then my grandma wrapped her arms around the two of us. I hadn't let myself stop and feel it yet, but then it all came rushing to the surface. My eyes were a faucet of tears and I couldn't figure out how to turn it off. The fear and anxiety had been stored up over the trip here. I think I had convinced myself that if I could just get to my family that I could somehow fix it. But I had no more control over it then, than I do now.

    I round the corner, but don't see Stephany waiting behind the desk. I only spot Teresa, who I've learned can't be charmed like the other nurses. She refuses to share any further information with me than what has already been shared. I shoot her a smile anyways, but she ignores me.

"I think your sister has a friend here. I asked if she wanted to head back to the room, but she just stared at me and then walked out," Teresa says before muttering something about teenagers and how they never speak up.

    I nod and thank her for letting me know. Nora's friends should all be at school like her, but her best friend Bailey has been to visit the past two days. Instead of turning to go back to my mom's room, I keep walking past Teresa towards the waiting room. I reach for my phone to text Nora, to let her know that Bailey is here. I like that my sister has a friend who can support her in case I'm ever not here. But that's not the case now that football is over. It's at least the case until I need to start training for the NFL scouts.

    The doors that lead into the waiting room open for me automatically to reveal an empty lobby. It isn't like Bailey to leave without seeing my mom, but maybe she walked out like Teresa said. I could really go for some fresh air too. I can't get used to the smell of the sterile soaps and cleaners they use throughout the building. I also just need an excuse to get out for a few minutes. 

    I walk down the sidewalk towards the path that wraps around the entire hospital. The day is dreary as if the weather dialed into the situation. It hasn't been above forty degrees the past few days, the sun refusing to shine. I pull my hood over my head and push my hands into the pocket of my sweatshirt. I've started to come out here multiple times a day, just like I assume other anxious family members do. It's a way to escape reality in five minute increments. My pace is always slow when I come out here, but that might be because I took a hell of a beating in the game on Monday night.

I only make it a few steps before I can't walk any further. There is someone in the middle of the sidewalk pacing back and forth. They walk with their head down, as if counting their steps. I count with them, and sure enough after ten steps in one direction, they turn and walk back towards me for another ten. I continue to watch them, still unsure of what I'm seeing. I can't even be sure this is real. I haven't been sleeping, so I wouldn't be surprised if this is some sort of illusion my brain has created. Or maybe I am asleep and this is just a dream. 

Camryn is wearing sweatpants that I recognize as mine. They are the ones she borrowed after her dark day. They are the ones I told her to keep because they look better on her and that still holds true. They are extremely big on her, but are half hidden by the national championship sweatshirt she's wearing. I think the sweatshirt is mine too, given that it's from the previous season. The hood is pulled up over her head and nearly covers her eyes. I assume she can see the ground though, considering her eyes seem to be fixed on it. I watch as she takes ten more steps away from me, before turning around and making ten more towards me again. 

    I need to move towards her and touch her just to make sure that she's actually here. I'm frozen though. We didn't leave things on good terms, we left it on no terms. That doesn't change the fact that she's here. I clear my throat to get her attention, but when she still doesn't respond I call out to her. "You're gonna burn a hole in the sidewalk if you keep walking like that," I say.

    Camryn freezes mid fifth step towards me. She lifts her head and lets her eyes meet mine. They're red and bloodshot. She obviously hasn't slept either. She still doesn't say anything to me. Instead she throws her hood down and attempts to smooth her curls out. I fight the urge to laugh when she huffs in frustration and pulls them into a bun instead.

    "I uh... don't know what I'm doing here. This was a mistake," she says. She takes the remaining steps towards me before shouldering past me. She's not fast enough, though. I reach out and catch her by the arm, forcing her to turn and face me.
    "It's not a mistake," I say. It could never be a mistake for her to be here with me. I want to pull her closer, but I can't. I don't want to risk just pushing her further away from me. She looks at her arm in my hand and then back to my face. I can see her shoulders rise and fall with a deep breath before she speaks again. "How is she?"

    "How'd you know?" I ask.

    "Cal... He told me you left right after the game. I just–" she pauses. She keeps her distance, but I can feel her rigid muscles relax under my grip. "I just thought you could use a friend," she says.

    It fucking figures that Cal would be the one to share the news with her. He has been the one who seems to know everything about my situation this year. I should text him and thank him anyways, because I haven't stopped thinking about her since I got the call about my mom. I've fucking hated myself for days now because my mom is dying and all I have thought about is Carmyn. All I've wanted is to talk to her, when I should have been thinking about how to help make my mom comfortable. Ever since we locked eyes after the game and I could tell that she didn't hate me, she's all I've been able to think about.

    I slide my hand down her arm and lacing my fingers through hers. To my surprise she doesn't even flinch. Instead, she comes closer to my side and gives my arm a hug. I guide us back through the doors of the hospital and up to my mom's floor. I don't let go until we make it down the hallway and to her room.

    My mom is still asleep when we walk in. I enter first, but Camryn is  right behind me. She reaches for my hand again and grips it even more tightly. It can be a little unsettling when you first walk in here. My mom is propped up in her bed with two pillows, but also has various wires and tubes running from her to the machines next to the bed. I don't want to push Camryn too far, so I don't move any further. I need to let her take the lead. I have no idea what she thinks of hospitals after her mom's accident or her attempted suicide. I don't want to trigger something for her and ruin any progress we've made in the last five minutes.

    Instead I watch her.  She didn't know my mom before cancer, but even this sight is hard for me. The skin on her face is sunken and her cheeks are hollow. My mom's once natural glow has faded leaving her gray and lifeless. She doesn't have the tube in her mouth anymore, but it's still slightly parted as she takes shallow breaths. I wonder if Camryn is watching for the subtle rise and fall of her chest underneath the white blanket like I do. 

    Camryn lets go of my hand and takes the seat next to the bed. I'm not surprised when she doesn't hesitate to reach out for my mom's hand. She did the same thing the first time she met my mom. I know Camryn is reliving the memory too, as she begins to talk to her. "Hi Shea, it's Camryn. Whenever you're up to it, I have lots of great pictures of Taylor in the championship game I know you would love," she says softly. Her voice is strong now, not like it was outside.

    I pull up another chair right next to Camryn's. It doesn't allow me to get too close to her or my mom, but it's better than having to be all the way on the other side of the bed. "How'd you know to talk to her? I mean most people would think she's sleeping and can't hear them."

    Camryn doesn't take her eyes off my mom as she replies, "My mom used to tell me that one of her favorite things was to talk with the patients. She claimed that your voice is a medicine in and of itself. She would insist that just because actual medicine is making them sleep, their brain hasn't shut off. Your voice can help them stay grounded." She takes another deep breath before resting her chin on her shoulder as she turns to look at me.

"What happened?" she asks.

    I look at Camryn and then at my mom. She looks peaceful now, which is completely different than how I pictured her looking when I got the call that she was being put into the back of an ambulance.

    "She hadn't been feeling well for about a week and had been complaining about pain in her stomach, but that's normal considering the chemo she's been through. She was supposed to start her third round Monday, but moved it to Tuesday so she could watch the game and not feel sick. I guess she was sleeping the whole day and not really feeling great. Nora said they turned the game on and she seemed better. Apparently she was yelling at the TV, jumping up and down— you've seen her during a game." We both bite back a laugh at the idea of my mom during a game. Camryn shakes her head and brings up the videos Nora secretly recorded as they all watched from the suite during family weekend.

"But I guess one of the times that she jumped up she got super dizzy. She threw up and it was black and red which are signs of new blood and old blood mixed together. Nora called for an ambulance right away, which was a good thing. When they finally got here, the scans showed serious bleeding in her stomach and intestines. The mass on her colon has only gotten bigger and is now in her stomach... They did surgery to stop the bleeding, but–" I can't finish the next part.

    "They can't do anything else for her? But can't they remove the masses or her colon and stomach? I've heard they can do that sometimes and give a person a bag to poop in and a tube to feed them," Camryn says. I bite my lip to stop the tears from falling again. I'm tired of crying and having to think about it.

    "Taylor, I'm so sorry." Camryn's own tears begin to fall as she looks between me and my mom. The ringtone of my phone fills the room around us, but Camryn doesn't move.

    "Shit, I'm late to pick up Nora. Just..." I reach out and touch her arm. "Don't leave. Okay? I want to see you again. I want to talk to you. Just tell me you'll be here when I get back," I plead. Camryn nods in agreement. I lean forward and press a kiss to her forehead the same way I've thought about doing it since I saw her Monday night after the game.