I leave our walk-through feeling good. I've spent the last week watching Penn's film. I've memorized their plays and player's weak spots. All while fine tuning our own team's to the point that I could run every route in my sleep. And I haven't slept much because of it. It doesn't matter though. I finally feel like I'm back. I feel more like myself than I have in a while. Moving my knee has felt so good that even Dr. Kramer said he can't believe the bounce back. He admitted that at the start of the season he wasn't confident in my recovery or that I would play at all this season.

I head home to pack up my things to take to the hotel with me. The team stays together at the one on campus, right across from the stadium, the night before every home game. Just like only active players get to travel, this will be my first time getting to stay with the team in the hotel this season instead of being forced to go home after dinner.

When you're not dressing out for the games you might as well not be on the team. You're only invited to the most necessary rituals and excluded from all others. Coach blames the university and football program for not wanting to fund things like hotel rooms or travel expenses for players who aren't actually playing. I guess it makes sense. If they approved everyone their budget would need to double from the amount of players who sit on the injured or red shirt list every game. 

Regardless, I'm back and it feels so good. I might go stand on the roof of the hotel and yell it before going to bed tonight just to let everyone else hear it in my voice. Even then, I don't think anyone would feel a fraction of the excitement inside of me.

Just as I'm about to walk out the door, my mom calls me. She cries again when I tell her what I'm doing. Just like she cried when I told her that I would finally see the field tomorrow. My heart broke at the realization that she won't be here to see it, but she promises me that they've already got the DVR set to record the game. They can watch it in real time, but also play it back with me the next time I'm home. Part of me just assumed that once I got to this point in the season, and she got to this point in her treatment, she would be able to travel. I don't even ask though, I can't. I need her to focus on getting better. Soon she'll be at all of my games again.

We continue to talk, catching up on other things like her treatments and how she's feeling. Even though the phone screen, her body language doesn't match her insistence that she's great. She also doesn't let me ask any follow up questions before she dives into Nora's season, and my midterms. My midterm grades, to my surprise, didn't suck. I shush my mom as she teases me about my good luck charm, whom she thinks is Camryn.

"Good things started happening when you met her," she says. My comeback has always been the same each time she turns to the list of good things she's compiled. Just because I've gotten a few good grades and had a successful rehab doesn't constitute a good luck charm. My mom doesn't push it further, just changes the subject which I guess I should be thankful for.

We hang up just as I reach my destination. I tell my mom I love her, before gripping the cold metal handle and pushing through the door. A doorbell sounds from somewhere in the room. I'm quickly greeted by an overjoyed group of women ranging from their twenties to middle aged. The owner, Carol, quickly rushes over to shake my hand. "Taylor Reed!"she cries. "What do we owe this pleasure today! Shouldn't you be getting ready for the bonfire?"

It always surprises me the way people in this city keep up with our team's agenda as if it's an extension of their personal lives. I let her take my hand, squeezing hers gently as I say, "Yes ma'am, but I need something from you first." She takes my hand again, but I can't tell if it's to have an excuse to hold mine, or because my voice broke as those words came out.

🏈🏈🏈

I dropped my things off at the hotel before making my way down to the shuttle that's waiting and ready to take players to the old practice field that has now become the home of the annual Homecoming Bonfire. This tradition alone almost sealed me on coming to this school. During my first visit, the parade was bigger than anything I had ever seen before. Each float was a direct reflection of what the football program means to this school and its fans. Coupled with the low hum as the band starts to play in the distance, it's a ripple you feel deep inside your bones. The feeling slowly creeps through the rest of your body as they grow closer and closer to the final destination. 

Every float, participant, and fan end their trail at the old practice field for the bonfire. It was the first time I saw Coach give a speech in person. It was also the first time I heard him live, announcing his hopes for the game, and remainder of the season. Those things didn't come until after he pledged his allegiance to his team and the school. His dedication to not just the program, but this city is what drove me here. I wanted to be a part of the tradition and it felt like the perfect place to start my own legacy. I still have no idea why there is a Homecoming court in college, but it's a part of football and what makes this program the greatest in the country, so I go along with it. 

As I step onto the shuttle I greet the driver, but otherwise keep to myself. I don't bother taking off my headphones or dropping the hood of my sweatshirt. I turn the volume up and allow myself to get lost in the words of the song playing through the speakers. The nerves have already started. It's normal for me though. I feel them until the second that I step onto the field. It's like my body is anticipating what's going to happen, but the second the whistle blows it all melts away and the only thing left is focus.

It's not just me. Most of the guys on this bus are some level of locked in. Headphones on, music turned up loud enough to drown out the next guy's. After a short ride, the bus stops with a smooth jerk and we file out and are quickly ushered onto the old field. The bleachers are already crowded with fans decked out in red and gray. Many of which will be right back in these spots tomorrow to tailgate as the sun comes up.

The fire pit that rest in the middle of the field isn't so much a pit as it is a pile of old wooden pallets and other wood materials that will be easy to ignite. Tied around the heap is a sheet with the words "Beat Penn State" spray painted on. It's another tradition to burn something that contains the opposing team's name or logo to set the atmosphere for the game. The fire won't actually be lit until Coach finishes his speech, and lights it himself with the sacred Bulldog fire starter. 

I scan the old field to see Coach already waiting near the center close to the podium that has been set up just for him. He's greeting fans as members of the media are already eagerly snapping pictures. I spot his wife close to his side, but Cal and Camryn are nowhere around. I wonder if he likes it that way, or if his kids just choose to keep their distance. I know that's at least the case for Camryn.

Me and the other players make our way to the left of the pit to just stand and socialize with each other or fans We have at least thirty minutes until the band will kick off the parade and lead the procession here. Many of the player's family members make their way from the stands to where we are standing. It's customary for families to be apart of this, and to stand with their player, but for me it's just another reminder that mine aren't here and won't be tomorrow.

The last shuttle arrives with the rest of the active players. A crowd of girls quickly follow them like groupies. I watch with hands deep in the pocket of my sweatshirt as girlfriends flood around their player's, posing for picture after picture. Most stop after each one to make sure they like it, before rearranging and taking another. It's never once crossed my mind to invite Sadie here. To be honest, I haven't seen her in weeks. I've stopped responding to her texts ever since I've started spending so much time with Camryn. Not that Camryn is filling the void of what Sadie offered me. I won't let her. I can't let her be that to me. Not while I'm still hiding so much from her.

As if simply thinking her name can make her appear, I see her walking through the crowd towards me. Her curls are pulled back with a clip and her camera strap is fixed around her neck. I bite back a laugh when I see the shirt underneath her leather jacket. It's red, but has no affiliation with the university or football team, instead the words "I'm just here for the snacks" is printed in big block letters.

She smiles at me, and I can't help but to mirror her expression. I inhale the relief that comes just from seeing her. She stops when we're toe to toe, our bodies inches apart. She tilts her head up to look at me. Her eyes narrow when she does. I let mine flicker to her lips that are pressed firmly together. She's waiting for me to speak first. I knew this was coming, but I thought I could go a little bit longer without having to explain myself. I should have known that hiding is impossible when it comes to Camryn.