I drew a ragged breath and instantly regretted it when I felt a sharp stabbing pain on my ribs. Mariin akong napakagat sa labi ko. I bit down so hard, until the rusty taste of blood bursts in my mouth.

Fuck this!

What have I done to end up in a hell hole like this? Alam ko hindi naman ako ganoon kasamang tao. Although I do have my share of sins. But why am I suffering like this? Why me?

Bakit ang tagal dumating ng kamatayan ko na hiniling ko na nung una pa lang akong nagising sa madilim na lugar na ito?

Ram

“Ano bang ginagawa mo dito?!”

“I was supposed to look after you,” Liam answered as we continued walking towards my car. He was just casually walking beside me as if nothing happened, as if I wasn’t kicked out of my own company! Every eye was on me which infuriated me more. What the hell is wrong with these people looking at me like I’ve lost a screw in my head or something!

I whirled back at Liam. “I am not a child!” I growled.

“I know,” siryosong sagot niya. “But we don’t want you behaving like you did back there. You could have gotten into trouble!”

“Wala na kayong pakialam doon! And would you please stop following me?” tinalikuran ko siya at naglakad nang mabilis. I don’t wanna talk to him anymore, least of all, hear a lecture from him about getting into trouble. Piss the fuck off!

I already had to deal with alot of sh*t at umaasa akong hindi na makisali pa roon si Liam. Pikon na pikon parin ako sa ginawang pagkaladkad sa akin palabas ng opisina kanina. What the fuck?! Never in my life had I been escorted out of an establishment, least of all, my own fucking office! That is downright insulting! Nakakapanggalaiti! Lalong lalo na ang Bermudez na iyon, may araw din siya sakin. I swear, pipilipitin ko ang leeg non sa susunod!

And Viktor. Hah! He must be planning this all along! Tangina talaga!

“We are only concern about you Ram!” ani Liam na humahabol parin sakin. Didn’t I tell him to stop following me? This idiot.

And concern? Hah! I shook my head in disbelief. “Concern? Liam? Really huh?”

“Pwede ba, Ram? Stop brushing us off! Tinutulungan ka na nga, ikaw pa ang galit!” nakarating na kami sa kotse ko noon.

“Well, you are not helping, William.” binigyan ko ng diin ang whole name niya na kinaiinisan niya tuwing ginagamit naming pang address sa kanya.

He made a face. “Why? Because pinigilan kita sa pagwawala mo kanina? You think may magandang maidudulot sayo yun? He was provoking you, Ram! And for all intents and purposes they want your ass in jail! Walang pakialam ang hudas na yun kung may pinagdadaanan ka man o ano! He wanted to get rid of you, Ram. Permanently. Hindi na ako magugulat kung pinaplano na rin nila ang pag assassinate sa'yo.” mariing sabi niya. Nakatitig siya sakin, as if waiting for me to get some sense into my head.

Tama siya. But I couldn’t admit that in front of him. This was hare brained Liam, I’m actually surprised he’s got enough brain neurons to think. At ako 'tong si engot na lumalabas na, all brawn, and no brain. Stupid!

Liam rolled his eyes on me as he watched me slowly take it all in. “If I were you, I’ll meet up with Insp. Pineda at the precint. We need a search warrant. Who knows? He could have had your wife, afterall? Mukha pa namang stereotype na kontrabida ang hudas na yon.”

“You’re right,” I said.

“Alam ko!” he said smugly. “Minsan bobo ka din eh.”

I ignored him and opened my car. “Let’s go.”

Matapos ang tatlumpung minuto ng tahimik na byahe--binusalan ko si Liam--ay nakarating din kami sa isang restaurant kung saan nakipagkita si Noah. Tinawagan kasi namin siya at ipinagbigay alam ang pakay namin. Sabi niya magkita na lang kami sa malapit sa justice court kung saan kami magrerequest ng warrant.

“Will we be able to get a warrant that easily?” bungad ko agad nang makita ko siya.

“No-Yes.” aniya. “No in real life, dahil kailangan natin ng evidences against Mr. Bermudez, which I doubt kung meron tayo sa ngayon. But luckily, yes, with all the connections you have.” ngumisi siya sakin.

Bahagyang nakahinga ako ng maayos sa narinig ko. Minabuti kong utusan muna si Liam na tawagan ang kaibigan ng tatay niya, isang known politician iyon. If ever na hindi umubra, I always have other back ups like my dad’s golf buddies.

I almost gagged. I hated them back then, I never knew that time will come that I would have to kiss their wrinkled asses just to get favors. Normally, I wouldn’t do that. Pero para sa asawa ko, handa akong gawin ang lahat. Kahit pa siguro magpasagasa sa tren o tumalon sa balon, gagawin ko para sa kanya.

“Wala parin bang kumokontak na kidnappers, or what?”

Umiling ako.

“If it were ordinary kidnappers, they would have called long ago.” he said, echoing what I was thinking.

“I know,” tumango lang ako. Hiniling ko noon na sana ordinaryong kidnappers na lang ang kumuha sa asawa ko. Kahit pa siguro ilang milyon o bilyon ang hingin nila sa akin, ibibigay ko. I will give everything I own without blinking just for the safety of my wife. I badly want her back. No, I need her back.

Bahagya pa kong nabigla nang biglang sumulpot ang partner ni Noah na si Piper. May dala siyang mga kape para sa amin. She put down one on my front and I muttered a swift thank you at her.

She settled on a sit beside Noah and studied me. Titig na titig siya sakin na wari mo’y inaarok niya ang tunay na tumatakbo sa isip ko. Kunot noo na napatitig din ako sa kanya. She was so engrossed with studying me that she isn’t aware I was also looking at her.

“What?”

She flushed a little and tilted her head on one side as if assembling her scattered thoughts. “So, do you have other suspects aside from Mr. Bermudez that we could, you know, investigate on?”

Umiling ako. “Wala pa sa ngayon, but I’ll let you guys know,” I sighed frustratedly and threw my hands in the air. “Talaga bang wala pang development sa kaso niya? Baka may hindi kayo sinasabi sakin?”

They both shook their heads, while Liam took his sit beside me. Kakatapos lang niya makipagusap sa pinapatawagan ko.

“So? Anong sabi?”

“He will take care of it, consider it done, bro.” he gave me a light tap on the back that didn’t do anything to comfort me, even a bit.

It’s been a week, for God’s sake!

Alalang alala na ’ko kay Charlie. Hindi ako sanay ng ganito ko siya katagal na hindi nakikita. We’ve been inseparable since the time we patched things up two years ago. Kumbaga sa isang alcoholic o adik, nagkakaron ako ng withdrawal syndrome. But this is nothing compared to that. Far worse than any withdrawal symptom imagined. Every minute she’s away feels like dying a thousand deaths. Hindi ko alam kung hanggang kailan ako tatagal ng ganito. This is starting to eat me from the inside. Until I’m nothing but a hollow, empty shell.

“Nakausap mo na ba lately si Jareth? Baka naman may balita siya?” Liam asked.

Marahas akong umiling. “Kahit hindi ko pa siya makausap, he’s under surveillance. Kung may alam siya, alam na sana natin ngayon.”

Liam chuckled. “Talagang wala kang tiwala ah?”

“Sa ngayon, wala kong tiwala kahit kanino, Liam.” I muttered grimly.

“You’re over reacting,” he laughed rather uneasily. Something a lot of people have been doing around me lately. “Yeah, your wife could be hot, but I wound never lay a finger on her, man. Bro code.”

I gave no response to that. Ewan ko ba? Praning na praning na ang utak ko, hindi ko na alam kung sinong pagtutuunan ko ng pansin. Hindi ko alam kung sinong pagkakatiwalaan ko. Everything is so vague, right now. No leads, no nothing! Hanggang ngayon nga, minsan pakiramdam ko nasa isa parin akong panaginip. And that I would wake up one day, katabi ko na ulit si Charlie.

Hindi nakaligtas saakin ang biglaang pagtikhim ni Liam. “It’s been a week no?” I dont know if Liam was talking to me or to Noah and Piper, coz I was not really paying attention. I’m still wrapped up with the thoughts of my wife.

Nung hindi ako sumagot ay narinig kong tumikhim muli siya. As if he wants to say something pero naghehesitate siya. That or he’s afraid to say it out loud, dahil baka magwala nanaman ako. “W-What if..?”

“Stop.” agad kong pigil sa kanya. I knew where this is heading.

“But it’s been a week, Ram!” protesta niya. “It’s been a week at wala man lang tayong balita? Buong pilipinas na ang naghahanap sa kanya! The whole world even!”

My eyes shot right up to his. “Stop it, Liam, I mean it!” something inside me snapped. I don’t wanna hear it! Ayokong ientertain ang posibilidad na iyon, it was just too painful to think about.

“May posibilidad, Ram..”

“Stop!” I spat like someone’s strangling me. “Wala, Liam! Hindi mangyayari yun kay Charlie!” i had my hands gripping the sides of the table to steady me. Diniinan ko ang pagkapit ko roon nang maramdaman kong nanginginig ang mga kamay ko.

“Mr. Sobrevega, calm down.” pakiusap ni Noah sakin. “Mr. Sy-”

“You have to deal with it, Ram.” mariing sabi ni Liam. Desidido talaga siya na galitin ako. Hindi ko talaga maintindihan ang taong ’to! Why does he have to provoke me? Hindi ba niya alam kung gaano kasakit para sa'kin na marinig ’to?

He wants me to deal with the fact that Charlie might be dead? F*ck! It ain’t happening! Hindi pwedeng mamatay si Charlie! My mind is spinning and I felt like vomiting. Damn it! Damn it! My body shook as if I’m going into panic mode. I can feel every muscle in my body convulsing with so much anger. Kaunting kaunti na lamang ay masasapak ko na si Liam.

Hindi pa patay ang asawa ko! Charlie’s alive. I can feel it! I have to hold on to that. She can’t be dead!

Walang mangyayaring ganun! I would not allow it! I would never let anything happen to my wife!

Pero nangyari na nga diba?

Nawawala siya at wala akong magawa. She really could have been dead.

I nearly choked. Hindi mawala wala ang pakiramdaman na iyon sa bandang leeg ko na parang may sumasakal sakin. Hindi ako makahinga!

“Ram! Ano ba?!”

Noon ko narealize na sobrang nanginginig ako at halos bumaon na ang kamay ko sa mesa at mabuwal ang mga kape namin sa ibabaw niyon. I was gripping it so hard my knuckles turned white.

“F*ck!” I spat out. “Don’t you ever say that again, Liam! Not again! Coz the moment you speak of my wife again, I’m going to kill you. I’m going to fucking kill you Liam!” mariing banta ko sa kanya.

“But-”

“I said don’t!” I shoved the table and I walked out on them.

My hands are still shaky as I ran towards my car. Ibinukas sara ko ang kamay ko para mawala ang panginginig ng mga ito. Nasa tabi na ko ng sasakyan ko noon. I was panting. I held on to it and tried calming myself down. Ang bilis bilis ng tibok ng puso ko and the feeling of wanting to throw up had not yet left my gut.

My throat constricted and I immediately went inside the car. Napatakip ako sa bibig ko. Muffling the cry that was threathening to erupt. Fuck! Fuck this shit! Why do I have to go through this? Kakakasal lang namin ng asawa ko, bakit kailangan namin pagdaanan ’to? Why us?! Makailang ulit kong ipunukpok ang mga kamao ko sa manibela. I was so mad! So mad at Liam for saying those things and so mad at myself. Dahil wala akong magawa para sa asawa ko.

With tears blinding my eyes, I started the car’s engine. Pinaharurot ko ang sasakyan patungo sa bahay namin. Sa bahay naming mag-asawa.

I wanted to be there. I wanted to be as close to her as possible. Iyon lang ang naiisip kong paraan para mawala ang mga pangamba ko. It was only her scent that could calm me down.

Sadness dawned on me as I entered the empty house. Hindi ko alam kung nasaan ang katulong namin, baka pinauwi na nila mommy nung kunin nila ko dito. Bahagyang madilim sa loob ng kabahayan. Parang ang tagal nang hindi natitirhan samantalang isang linggo lang naman akong nawala.

Huminga ako ng malalim.

Tama sila mom. It would only make things worse if I stay here. Lalamunin lang ako ng kalungkutan ko. Pero bahay namin ’to. Nandito ang huling alaala ko sa kanya and I wanted to remember her. I wanted to remember how good it felt being with her. How happy I was when we got married. How everything was so perfect until the world turned itself upside down. It seemed everything went crashing after that day.

I intend to shower first before heading to our bed. Alam ko maaga pa para matulog but I’m really exhausted. Marahil dahil sa panic attack ko kanina? It would do me no good to try to find her in this state.

Gagong Liam kase yun. Sarap gilitan.

Pagbukas ko ng kwarto namin ay bumungad agad ang imahe namin nung kasal namin. Kumirot nanaman ang dibdib ko.

Ngiting ngiti siya sa litrato. Kaya naman, hindi ko iisipin na basta na lang niya 'kong iiwanan. She would never do that to me. Charlie loves me. Yun lang ang kailangan kong panghawakan. It was enough.

I sighed.

Nagtungo na ko sa banyo upang maligo. Maybe this would wash away all the bad thoughts that Liam had planted on me. Hindi parin nawawala ang gigil ko sa kanya. Had we been in a less public place and without the presence of two cops, I would take a swing on him. Matabil eh.

I turned the shower and let the warm water pour down on my tightly knotted muscles. I needed to relax. Kailangan kong makapagisip ng tuwid.

I needed to find out who has my wife, pronto. Kung si Bermudez man ang may pakana sa pagkawala ni Charlie, mananagot siya.

Ipagdasal nyang walang nangyaring masama sa asawa ko dahil isang maliit na sugat lang o kahit katiting na pasa, hindi ako titigil hangga’t hindi dumadanak ang dugo niya.

I let the tears fall down my face together with the water from the shower.

Napakamiserable ng pakiramdam ko ngayon pero kailangan kong magpakatatag. I went back into our room after showering. Nahiga ako sa king sized bed and wrapped myself with the comforter, clutching her pillow close to me, as if my life depended on it. Tears poured down my face as I inhaled her scent. Sabihin nang nagpapakabakla ako sa kaiiyak ko, but I couldn’t help it. I miss her. I miss her so f*ckin much!

Walang makakaintindi sa nararamdaman ko dahil wala namang nagmamahal kay Charlie na kasing tindi sa akin. Simula ng makilala ko siya, sa kanya na halos umikot ang mundo ko. And now that she’s gone, may rason pa ba para mabuhay pa ’ko?

I buried my face into the pillow and let sleep take me away from here.

Hold on, Charlie. Hahanapin kita. Kahit saang sulok ng daigdig. Even if I have to travel the depths of hell. I will find you. I will come and get you. Just hold on, for now.