Clive and I were curt to one another. We gave each other our masks and coats and packed up without words or just a "yes" or "no" to a short question.

He knew I kept my distance and wanted nothing to do with him and he didn't push his luck.

Clive was unusually quiet and toned down, to the point the other boys thought we were fighting. I only told Will that Clive was coming to my place and I was sorry I couldn't go over to his place. He said he was fine.

I wondered if he had to go break up the gathering that other knight in trainings were doing. One day I asked him.

The students had filed out and a handful of second and third years stayed. As he packed and allowed me inside, I realized Wyatt had already left. Taking the chance to be away from Clive I sat down and watched as Will packed.

I couldn't find a mask or cloak so I gave up and asked Will the question.

"Are you and Whitecross working for the Headmaster?" I asked quietly.

Will didn't stop but continued folding his clothes and spoke.

"Well, Wyatt and I used to work for him. Mundane jobs like breaking into places they gathered and bringing back documents. We only had to fight a rebel twice, accidentally waking them up."

Only twice, I thought in envy.

"The Headmaster said he would give us more high ranking jobs if we did well in the hunt. Unfortunately, we were going to go against you and Clive." Will smiled sardonically.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know—no, I did, I knew the Headmaster planned it, but I'm sorry we had to pitted against you."

I sincerely meant it, too, because a part of me thought that I suited Will as partners better. I wouldn't have fallen for him like I did with Clive.

Clive was a mystery, all smiles and laughter, but also warped to a point he was a perfect murderer.

"Well, now Wyatt and I have lost our position. We no longer do anything and won't be going to whatever they planned this winter," Will said. "Somehow it's a load off my shoulders. I have considered the several levels of knighthood and would prefer to work in guarding or body guarding instead of being on the war front.

"You don't want to go to war?" I asked, somehow surprised.

"Think about it, you will never see your family and might die. Your comrades, too, will die. When Wyatt was hurt, as much as we were always at odds, I worried for him." He chuckled. "Strange, right?"

"I know what you mean," I said quickly. "I mean, I am always scared of what Clive would do. He would sacrifice himself and others for me. It's like he's laid out a mantle of blood-soaked corpse for me to tread on."

"That's quite an eloquent metaphor," Will said. He sighed and sat on his bed across from me.

"I have a question. Do you think Clive is, well, strange in the head?" I asked.

"Clive? Wha brought this on?"

"To tell you the truth, Clive is scary sometimes." I played with my fingers, unable to put it into words. "He was calm killing an enemy and joked about mutilating dead bodies. He says strange things, too..."

Will didn't seem disgusted but he was stiff, picturing what I was saying.

"You two have encountered such horrific situations?" he asked.

"You know how Clive is a vagrant? His home country was riddled with crime and murders. Clive murdered children his age in order to get a patron."

"But why are you telling me all of this? I don't think anyone but you know him best, and I can't exactly give an answer without knowing the circumstances," Will said gently.

"The important thing is...I feel like I can trust you so I'll say it. Clive and I were in love." I saw his face and the raise of an eyebrow. "But he said he didn't care about things that hurt me, and claimed as my lover he was the only one who could hurt me. Even if it meant killing my family."

I was gripping my hand hard and droplets landed on my intertwined fingers. I felt a shudder as I thought about what happened days ago, and I finally continued.

"I love him—but there's always something he's hiding behind his mask," I said.

That was all I wanted to say. The Apollo of our year, the golden boy, the beautiful boy—he was dark like the shadows and where his morals and heart should've been is a void.

He is empty, yet strangely full of overflowing love.

A hypocritical statement, but it was true.

"I don't know Clive like you do, but can I say my thoughts?" Will asked respectfully.

"Of course."

"To me, Clive is a child. A part of him never matured. Maybe it's because he had to grow up so fast and had no interest in anything but being the best, but he's much weaker than you think. Fighting him was like trying to hurt a kid who's attention was all on his friend. The way he pinned me down and cut all my hair roughly, so without hesitation, made my blood cold. He is capable of pushing past human limitations—for his goal. You."

"Of course," Will continued, "I'm not saying that the way he helped you is normal or abnormal. I am not labeling him, but his fighting tends to lack something unless it's against you, or if you're watching. He has a part he's hiding, I could tell from his often annoyed sighs in secret and that fake smile he beams in public. Yet isn't it natural for most of us to have a secret or two? Or worse, for us to be blinded by our first love? We are inexperienced, young, and naive. What do you feel for him, at this moment?"

Will was so articulate. He held no arrogance and after listening my thoughts of Clive merged. The times we kissed and my heart leapt, the times just his warmth was enough, and times I truly felt in love.

And the times I hated him.

"I hate him," I said.

"You could only hate if there's love. He's hurt you because you hold him in high regards. If Wyatt had hurt you I doubt you'd care after a day," he joked. He was right.

"I feel as though—I have to have some distance, but our mission is to spy together..." I murmured.

"Tell me to go over if you need someone to ease the tension," Will offered with a smile.

"No, this talk meant a lot already. Go and have fun with your family." I stood up. "I have to go back, so have a great break, Will."

"Listen Nathan—" Will paused before saying it, voice lowered, "if he hurt you, don't let him hurt you a second time. There's no love without feeling heard, feeling safe. Clive is strong, popular, and a good actor. People like that can tend to forget how to sympathize because they are used to being loved."

"So should I be careful?" I asked.

Truth was, I didn't want to get any closer to that monster. He had so many faces I didn't know when he was being honest or when he was lying.

What if his love was a lie, too?

"I don't know." Will opened an arm and gave a quick hug. "Write to me, or tell me if you two get better or worse in February."

"We get back late January," I corrected.

"Oh yes, I forgot. I'm too excited." He laughed and I waved before leaving.

"Goodbye, Will!"

"Goodbye, Nathan."

I stood in their empty room before leaving, wandering the halls and

***

As Clive and I finished packed we waited until evening for the carriage to take us home. It would be night when we arrived but being in a carriage with Clive made me pretend and sleep.

I heard him talk.

"Nathan, you might want me to apologize, but I can't. I love you, and I thought I'd lie for you—but then I can never be a knight, can I? You're so against killing..."

"No," I cut in, opening my eyes. "No, it's not that. The fact you wouldn't lie for me I understood that from the viewpoint of a refuge who needed to be a knight or would be thrown away. Yet the fact that you wanted to be the only one capable of hurting me and enjoyed it made me realize you were a sadist."

"I'm not."

"It made me question everything you've done to me. All your attempts to befriend me, make me love you, I can't help but think you were ordered to. That I'm only a mission and you had to grow closer to the Rottings."

His eyes darted away.

"I don't care about the Rottings House. I cared about you. The fun talking with you after sparring, swimming together, doing projects last year. I only wanted it to last forever."

The carriage ran over a rocky path and I jolted, steadying myself on the carriage wall as Clive instinctively reached out.

"Then you should've known better that I would not want my family to be hurt."

I slapped away his hand and slowly he shifted his seat right across me and came closer.

"Nathan, if you want me to listen to you, maybe you should be meeker." He held my chin up and his eyes shone in the moonlight, and he smiled—in such circumstances.

"I'm your equal!" I snapped.

"Maybe once you were, but now your fate may lie in my hands."

He grinned and I found that once adorable face so cold. I drew back but the carriage was small. I didn't want to talk to Clive. Not this Clive.

"What do you want?"

"Hmm, nothing but what we always did." He reached forward and his finger unbuttoned my coat.

"Clive!" I said, but I was locked up with him.

"Shh," Clive said. "You should be distracting me now, Nathan. Yes, that's right, my beautiful partner. My lover."

He traced my collarbone through my shirt, and I turned my face away. His finger went and and reached my nipples, circling his hand until I moaned softly.

"Stop—not here..." I begged, voice weak. I was getting aroused—by being played with?"

"It's cute, seeing you like this." Clive drew back and buttoned my coat, my sighs softening and the heat in my penis disappearing again. Now I had a semi boner and hoped he didn't see.

"I'm sorry I hurt you, I will try my best and make it up with you." He kissed my forehead, and leaned back.

"Huh?"

"I was just jealous the Headmaster knew your weak points and was playing with you. Truth is, I'd easily lie for you...but that day I didn't want to admit it. I wanted to see if you'd be riled up by me, even though I knew it was childish. I'm sorry, Nathan."

Clive held out a hand like an obedient dog.

His face was sincere.

The carriage window rattled and the snow crunched under each wheel. It was cold in the carriage, and I desired the only warmth I could have. The only warmth in life I felt.

"I forgive you," I said easily, and reached out to him.

Maybe I was the dog.