The season for the hunt began.

To some it was known as the winter excursion, teams will be hunting each other in the snow, and sometmes it took two days, as Cory told us. We learned from the professors it had changed names to just 'the hunt' as the older boys were calling it.

Our physical education professor, Mr.Eds, explained it. We would be thrown outside in the cold, made to survive on limited jerky and water, and we would have to hunt another pair over up to three days, two nights.

Clive and I had been riding with Midnight and Tarot on our missions but we only walked ten or so minutes on foot.

Each pair was given another pair to stake out. We looked at ours and saw it.

Will Crawford and Wyatt Whitecross.

I looked at Clive who also turned to me.

"I've been waiting for this. The Headmaster chooses the teams so something is in store."

"You're right. We have to beat them and show the difference in skill." I narrowed my eyes. "We will not lose to them."

At this time I had been kissing Clive around twice a month, and slept together (in that way) only a handful of times. One might think it was usual for me to be so stoic and treat our love like a side job, but it was the opposite.

I wanted to hug him more, smell his hair, and most of all—I lusted for him.

I knew I couldn't let it get to me and be asking Clive to sleep with me after classes or missions. He needed his naps and sleep, and he studied too, with me.

My heart had jumped when I saw the board. Clive was in first, and I was second. Samuel was third, but it wasn't of much significance other than the three of us. I had been overjoyed we beat Samuel that once Clive and I retreated to our rooms after dinner I kissed Clive sloppily.

"Are you drunk off happiness or something?" Clive laughed as he received each of my kisses.

I trailed down his neck and unbuttoned his shirt, but just as things got heated we heard a knock.

The two of us jumped up and Clive threw on his blazer as I cleared my throat.

"Who is it?"

"It's Samuel. Don't open the door." From what it sounded like, Samuel was crying. "I congratulate both of you, but in spring I will take back first place, I swear upon my honor!"

He took off, loud footsteps, and then I collapsed onto my bed in fear.

My heart had been beating so loudly I thought I would jump along with each thump. Clive ruffled my hair this time and laughed.

"We always lock the door, it's fine."

"It's not, and the dorm master has a master key anyways," I said, burying my face in my pillow. Having initiated making out but gotten interrupted I was a mess of feelings. My boner died and I just wanted to sleep.

But of course, the small control I mustered was not enough.

Every day I would think of kissing him, unable to sleep together without dirty thoughts, and hungry for Clive.

One lunchtime when a pea fell on my shirt Clive turned over.

"Be careful," he had said, "if you stain your shirt you'll have to change before class."

He tried to dig for the pea that went into my collar and I jumped back when Clive gingerly touched where my nipple was. He had touched me similarly before we made love so it was somehow seductive.

The pea was saved, and I dug it out myself after unbuttoning the top few buttons myself and got it off my chest. I couldn't look at Clive, because I was throbbing and the whole gang, Wyatt, Will, and Samuel, were there. They quickly killed off the romantic mood Clive and I had, and I sighed at the thought of maybe asking Clive that night to have sex with me.

That night I asked.

"Can we have sex?" I asked Clive. "As in, I would like to penetrate you."

"What am I hearing?" Clive teased, immediately sitting on my lap. "Is Nathan slacking off instead of telling me to make plans to defeat Wyatt and Will?"

"More like jacking off," I groaned into his ear. "Come on, just tonight, and then at least a month before anything."

"I didn't know you could ask me so politely, with terms and conditions included." Clive was smirking and having the time of his life playfully teasing me.

"Fine, I'm going to just kiss you all over."

I rolled him to my bed and then planted kisses over his face. He laughed and tried to push my face away when he got ticklish.

"Wait, wait!" Clive quickly said, "I've never done it. I always thought I would fuck you."

"What? No, I'll be doing it to you!" I retorted.

"Well, I think it's strange if the stickler son of a great house does it to a refuge, the vagrant should definitely do the act on the good son," he was babbling, as both of us held each other and tried to flip each other.

I dug my knee into the bed, desperate to not lose to him and pinning him down.

"What refuge and good son? It's Clive and Nathan. Nathan initiated it, so Nathan gets it his way," I taunted now, and Clive gave up, embracing me as I grew harder. I unzipped his pants and tugged it off.

"I don't know what to do—" Clive said meekly.

It was the face I wanted to see, the face I missed. The vulnerability, the rosy cheeks, the lips parted with soft pants, eyes looking up at me and so green.

"I love you," I said again.

"Just do it," Clive said, sheepishly widening his legs.

It was usually cold in the dorm as the heater wasn't ever warm enough, but that night was especially hot. I gave Clive a blowjob and he pulled at my hair. It took a few awkward minutes trying to figure out how to position our bodies—and it was nothing like the classes we learned with a man and woman procreating.

Man on man was hard, but Clive enjoyed it, and so did I. Clive was tired and sighed all night, cuddling to me.

"I'm not the woman though," Clive said to me.

"Sure, sure." I combed down his hair. He poked my face.

"It's just a reward because you're finally honest about us—to both you and I."

"Because I thought if something ever did happen, and you had to leave me, or the opposite, I would hate not having you as my first," I said. "Thank you, Clive."

"Thank you too, Nathan. I don't see why people care about who is their first, but now I get that silly sentiment. You never forget your first love, do you? They stay in your heart forever, kind of like a memory that's special and untainted," Clive whispered to the air near my ear.

"Our love is kind of like that. It's the first and I'll probably always chase for someone similar to you—if not you," I realized.

That realization hurt. There would most likely be a future where I wasn't with Clive. I would chase shadows of him, a blonde woman, a woman with a similar smile, but none of them were him.

"I don't know. I think I'll stay in this moment and not think of you chasing people like me," Clive joked, but his tone was sad? Or was he simply lost at how to reply?

"What if I'm gone?" I asked him. "What if I'm killed?"

"I'll move on," he said without hesitation. "I'll still love you if that happens, but I'll find others to love. Life isn't meant to mourn the first and maybe only person who will ever understand me."

"I can't. If you're gone, I think I'll forever search for you. And I'll become a sad man like my father, always preaching about knighthood with a family where he only cares about his sons following in his footsteps."

"Geez," Clive whispered. "You and I won't die. You've been reading too much philosophy. Love is like this, nights you stay awake and think of all the sad possibilities, but it's also thinking of things like our family and our future."

I closed my eyes and relished his citrus smell.

"Tell me about it. How many sons or daughters will we have?"

"Well, we can adopt one or two refuge children. I'll be the fun father and you'll be the strict one. I think it's better if they have a sibling, so they can fight and have fun growing up...."

I allowed this dream and lie of his.

"I'd like to name my son Daniel after my brother," I said.

"My choice is Emmanuel for a son. Girls names would be...maybe a flower name. Camellia? I like Rose, too..."

As he fell asleep snuggled in my chest I hugged him. I traced his cheekbone and down, but it was clear he was asleep.

Only then did I let my tears fall.

I never knew I could cry out of such happiness and sadness at the same time, and it scared me.