I read that a certain culture believed if you were in love without any meaning, as most love is, or so romantics say, it will never last for a lifetime. You don't love a girl for her looks. She'll grow old. It's not her personality either. She'll change. You don't love a boy, either, but if you did, you weren't supposed to, as a boy.

The Rottings House would kill me if I fell in love with a boy.

Like other knight families: we had to produce an heir, male or female, we must reproduce. The Rottings Knights would always have a place next to the King, and our rapiers should never be unused, our coat of arms embroidered for years to come.

Why did I love? What was my "meaning"? How would I love Clive? I went back and retraced the steps, but I can't say for sure.

Was Clive's appearance attractive? I suppose, but as I admitted his beauty I would admit many more girls were attractive, yet I doubted I could've felt towards a woman what I felt towards Clive.

So the meaning of our love might've been we were the best partners Graycotts could create. His meaning was to complete me as a knight and my meaning was to complete him.

The only drawback was that Clive was a murderer, and he loved me. Sure, he's my roommate, and the mood would spur once I rejected him, but could I say I truly loved him without knowing his past?

Dammit!

I did care for him. When I saw his silhouette when he slept I noted how Clive always faced me. I thought it was because the appallingly bright moonlight subconsciously drew his eyes to my side, but he always faced me, maybe to see me and maybe to let me see him.

I cared for the way Clive didn't force me to do anything I'd regret or dislike, the way Clive and I always went to the shower stalls together like before, and how he always smiled as he said goodbye to me and we went for separate classes.

I was always headed for my Latin class, and he went off to Literature class.

We studied the same courses though, and as number two and number three of the tenth years, we were respected.

Clive grew more and more popular, nodding his head as people talked about how they wanted to play some game with him. Recently some game involving flags emerged, much like the exams we had in tenth year. There were two teams, and each tried to steal one another's flag.

Wyatt was always a goalie and I watched from the window how Clive attacked and defended. He was a fast runner but when he ran he had a glint in his eye before he tackled the enemy. 

Clive invited me over one day after school. He was changing into the shirt and the pants we wore for physical education, not wanting to dirty his blazer or school pants.

"Nathan, come hang out with me. I want to try playing Steal The Flag with you," he teased.

"Well, your friends probably wouldn't want me to join," I replied, hiding the note I was writing before tearing up. It was about my feelings for Clive and how I couldn't sort it out and I had to have an heir and—

"Just come! They owe me anyways, I'm always the best in the team." Clive pulled me up and with a groan I tucked my letter in my book and changed alongside him.

"It's going to turn out awful," I muttered, knowing Wyatt was a bully.

We stepped out later and I inhaled in the winter air. To the other boys who had began playing they were sweating and seemed glad it was so cold. Clive's nose was pink and when he laughed he looked so innocent.

"Let's go!" Clive ran to them and I followed. "Boys! Nathan is joining us!"

"Who?" they asked until they saw me.

"Oh, Rottings, you mean," another boy, Kanson Hale said. Hale was not as unlikeable as Wyatt but he eyed me with that same wart expression I was too used to.

Wyatt tried to sound friendly as he jogged to us. "This is great, blue team is short one person, can you join?"

I knew Wyatt and Clive were on red team but I shrugged.

"Sure, who's blue team's captain."

"Me." Hale scratched at his head before saying, "I know you're also in the upper level sparring classes, can you be in charge of charging and getting the flag? I'm always goalie."

"Sounds good." I glanced over at the huddled red team. "I can take Clive on, no worries."

The ten of us hopped into position, five on each side.

I had memorized my teammates and was eying the red team as they moved. One boy was decoy, the boy behind him was going to grab anyone who passed their side. The opposite side was weaker, the two boys flinched whenever the blue team got closer.

In this particular game members who got tagged were banned from doing the attacking and only defending. Blue team had three boys already tagged. Hale and I had to become attackers but I stayed and kept tagging red players until only Clive and another boy was left.

"Tell me about the red player left other than Clive," I asked as Hale moved closer to me.

"Clive attacks with a teammate, he usually tries to divert us to the decoy. That boy is Amin. He's fast and will run circles because it makes all the people trying to tag him bump into each other."

"Listen Hale," I whispered. "I'll run when Clive runs and then go when Wyatt focuses on me slip through the right," I said. "Move to the area and make a beeline. Those boys will be on me."

"What—"

Then Clive ran.

Our team screamed and shouted as his teammate came, the four blue players trying to tag them when I ran.

Wyatt's eyes diverted from Clive and his face became like a demon's as he raced towards me, I shouted and the boys on the right followed me and I caught Hale's eyes.

Hale was good at one thing, and it wasn't a goalie. He was good at being unseen.

The red team followed as I ran left but returned to the line that separated us and I jumped on Clive who got the red flag but hadn't made it over.

"No!" Clive shouted, other teammates of mine crashing into him and finally snatching it back. They hadn't caught the other boy but Wyatt was hollering.

"Get Hale!"

But Hale was successful back, the flag now raised and waved.

"We got the red flag!" I roared, and Hale was screaming in joy.

Clive stood up from being crushed and cursed.

"Man, now I need to get serious, you used my own trick to trick us," Clive observed.

"Don't think you can always just swoop in like a hero. Give Hale some points too, looks like he needs it," I laughed.

Hale was hugging his teammates and they all screamed his name and their arms were swaying back and forth with the flag like they had never had the chance to do it. He gestured for me to join and giving Clive a small smile I turned to them.

"Thanks so much Rottings! You should play with us!" Hale said. Boys nodded in agreement.

Red team made their way to us.

"That was a nice win, get Rottings to distract us as you take the flag," Cory said. He was facing Hale who shook his head.

"Nah. Rottings here thought of that when I said Clive would always swoop in for the kill. Guess what he said?" Hale chuckled to himself. "He said, 'I can take on Clive!'"

"And he did!" a boy on my team added.

"Hm. You actually did catch him just as he was going to win," Wyatt muttered. "So you're better than Clive in everything?"

"Not tests," a red team member said jokingly.

"Well, Goldings is a prick like—" Cory didn't finish his sentence and looked away from me quickly.

"Nope!" Clive slugged his arm around my neck, hand at my shoulder. "We are the best as a team."

"Don't ever put them on the same team," Hale joked.

"Fine, and why don't you two switch now? See who's better." Wyatt was the captain of the boys, and both teams nodded.

Clive and I gave each other a look but we were grinning. We both wanted to beat one another.

Deep inside, despite all the partnering and teamwork, I always wondered if I can actually beat Clive. Clive was so familiar with weapons—but I watched my opponent closely and never lost in chess or strategic games.

So we readied ourselves with our new team, although Wyatt was captain. He turned to me and as though I was his second in command, he asked,

"So what's Clive's weak point?"

"Clive? He has none," I said. "The first game he probably didn't even expect me to win."

"You're not winning?" His eyebrows raised in anger.

"What? I always try and win, winning is a whole other matter," I snapped a little.

"Listen, I want to beat Clive," Wyatt said, eyes dimming in the winter sunset.

I had an unpleasant feeling in my stomach and didn't want to win as red team anymore. I turned and saw Clive with Hale and the rest. They were whispering then bursting out in laughter, Clive's eyes crinkled in the way people did when they were happy.

I wanted to be the one by his side.

I should be the only one by his side.