"That was really awful," Clive said as he pulled out his dagger from a corpse. The two of us stood over the man with his face stretched in a silent yell. As per usual, our horses were tied up and the two of us jumped onto them.

Clive had killed another rebel, although I lured the victim into a corner. This fighter was a member of a big criminal rebel society and tried to kill us, so it felt a tiny bit righteous.

Coward.

I wasn't doing right at all, I was only trying to make myself feel better, not to mention I had Clive do the fatal killing again. Was I going to always force the task into him?

Make him sin as I stood by idly?

We slipped a note to the Headmaster's office under his door. It simply said "Assignment finished,", signed Five and Nell.

We retired to our room and  once again both of us were quiet as mice and unable to sleep. We usually killed Friday night or Saturday night but we had to wake up for roll call before falling back asleep.

Clive was washing his bloodied mask and he had to give the cloak to the Headmaster to be washed. My knife, mask, and cloak were clean, proving I did nothing at all. Clive turned to me that night and laughed a little.

"Somehow the mask doesn't suit you at all, Nathan," he said.

"I wouldn't want such a grotesque mash to suit me anyways."

It was a full face mask, while the Headmaster had a half face one. Still it was white without crevices or dents. Only two eye shaped holes and a smile was carved on the white material not unlike leather.

"I can't sleep after killing," Clive whispered, "do you want to talk?"

"Sure," I said.

"Recently I keep remembering my country." Clive wiped the mask with the cloak then hide both in his drawer. "It was always night there, even in mornings. All the children walked warily with knives hidden behind their backs."

I pulled and hugged Clive to me.

The two of our bodies intertwined and I heard his heartbeat against my chest—or was it my heartbeat? Our hearts seemed to sync and I held his head softly.

"Does it still hurt from yesterday?"

"No," he whispered. "He's right. My patron would never forgive me if I backed out—but I don't want you to suffer."

"No, I'd suffer much more if you had to leave Goldengrove, if you didn't become a knight with me," I answered. My hand held his head.

"Nathan, I think I love you."

Words I never expected to hear came out of Clive's mouth and my hand froze. I thought of drawing away and pushing his head away but my body clammed up and my mind went awry.

"Wha-what are you saying?"

I thought of Clive under the moonlight, smiling one night, killing without any emotions the next.

If fairy Clive asked, I would have hugged him tighter, but now with the knowledge of his dark past and somehow erratic life I was confused.

"I want to be lovers, Nathan!" Clive finally said, raising his head to look at me serenely. "Do you want to be my lover?"

We 'stood' there in stalemate before I ceased first.

"I need time," I answered.

There was undoubtedly disappointment and after a while he laughed again, and I saw the Clive that I once might've loved.

"Take your time to give me an answer then! Goodnight, Nathan!"

"Goodnight."

The candle was illuminating us, and then with his calloused hands he reached and pressed the flame, which died in a second. I stood in the dark in surprise as headed for my bed, my body hot and my heart tight in my chest.

"Your hands," I whispered.

"I'm fine. I did it a lot."

***

It was easy to see how our status in Graycotts Academy had changed within one year. Now half the grade was rewarded with silver cuff links with our academy's coat of arms. Our ties were an array of colors.

Clive and I had matching ties of striped red and black, as well as pins to attach to our blazer. The older students wore capes, but mostly for formal events.

I sensed more animosity between me and the other students as I was always either talking to Clive or avoiding him altogether. At this time Clive is still very popular among the students. He had been congratulated last year when we passed both projects, and even now our peers gathered to ask him how advanced physical education was.

Now, I am not usually a jealous person, and I knew Clive and I shared secrets and stories. I knew Clive best, under the mask of a grinning and carefree students. However, two people had been getting on my nerves, and they were Samuel Golding, still ranked first in exams, and Wyatt Whitecross.

I highly despised both for two different reasons. 'Sam' was friendly to Clive and the two bonded over their honors class, which I also was in. I refused to talk to Clive in class, which was a rule I regretted as I heard the two exchange opinions on the class when lecture was over. The two were always talking about interesting things I was left out of.

Wyatt Whitecross had a knight family almost as important as mine, but he was a much more approachable person. He was as popular as Clive and the two were friends, last year Wyatt expressed unhappiness in not becoming Clive's partner.

To annoy me more, this year he glared at me and only smiled when Clive appeared. They would play ball sometimes with their other friends, and I would watch out of the windows of the library.

Of course it wasn't cheating, but seeing Clive laugh and clap hands with these boys made me feel smaller and gloomier each day.

I should add on that our teacher was interested in Clive. Clive would sometimes grimace when he was called into their offices, saying their talks always went off topic. I wondered if they touched my Clive, if they dared to venture under his clothing.

Finally one night I decided and asked to talk to Clive.

He came back quickly, forgoing invitations to Sam's chess game and Wyatt's something-or-other.

"What do you want to talk about?" Clive asked. It was a Friday and everyone was staying out late doing activities and hanging out with friends but I asked Clive to talk in our dorm.

I bit my lips before speaking.

"Clive, I would like a clear answer on what you desire in a relationship, and I'll answer by whether or not I can fulfill it," I said. "I note this is rather sudden so you can take some time to think about it before the school year begins—I don't want anything to get in the way of my education."

"Oh." Clive didn't seemed hurt anymore—in fact he smiled. "I want two things. One is I want to love you emotionally. Two is I want to love you physically."

Clive's perfect image was pressed in my mind like a flower, his innocent smile, good natured eyes and somehow the way he stretched, legs out, showed he was bashful.

He continued to stretch at his legs, hair fluffy and taking off his blazer in the heat.

"You can ignore it, Nathan, I know it's weird after all."

"Why?" I asked.

"Obviously since you haven't replied." Clive sat on bed and I walked closer so I faced him.

"I apologize, I was formulating a response. I was taken aback by how uncertain your terms are, do you not have anything in particular you desire?"

"Certain? I don't understand, Nathan."

"Like would you like to talk every Tuesday or kiss by a certain date? Would you like to do things other than kiss? I don't know how boys do it with boys so I'll have to read up on it."

"Isn't being lovers just loving one another?" he asked casually.

I thought of Whitecross and other friends. As cruel as it was, I was suspecting Clive. What if he manipulated everyone with this? No, he wouldn't. What if he only wanted to manipulate me?

"Do you like other people?" I was no longer able to keep it inside me. "Do you kiss other people?"

Clive stared at me in shock, and I saw how beautiful his eyes were, lips shapely, hair pushed back perfectly, and lashes so curled they were like a painting. A masterpiece.

"I suppose I should tell you. I love you. No one else. I've kissed others—I did something you'd be disgusted at for."

"I'm not disgusted," I lied.

I ran my fingers and combed through his hair and he looked up so we were eye to eye to one another. His eyes were such a strange color, like two jewels.

"I thought about it seriously, Clive, but knights who lay with men get demoted if found out,"

"We are in academy now. It's the only time we can," he protested.

"You don't understand, I am a Rottings. We can't escape it once we are knights."

I was drawing away but Clive clung on to my arm.

"And so what? If that happens, I'll take blame. I'll be demoted. I don't want to lie about my feelings, I can't even try to stop from kissing you!"

My father's face flashed in my mind, contorted in disappointment as though he saw the act.

I had to marry.

I was born to knightship.