Let me pour my hot tea on your tits and listen to your sexy screams while I dance to Death Grips because we're getting graphic today luvs. ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵏᶦⁿᵏˢ ᵇᵘᵗ ᴵ ᵖʳᵒᵐᶦˢᵉ ᴵ'ᵐ ⁿᵒᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ ʷᵉᶦʳᵈ ᵐᵏᵃʸ.

 If you're under 16, leave. I know you won't though.

Smut smut smut, you boring-ass bitch. Smut on wattpad is either underwhelming or overwhelmingly cringy.

(Y'know, I tend to research for most of my rants. This means reading some of the book types I talk about, and for this I read Haikyuu, MHA, sexy nurse, and DDLG smut. Saying I want to kill myself is an understatement...)

How many more times do I have to read virgins who are embarrassed of their bodies having first-time sex with generically hot dudes with 8-inch "members"? Virgins somehow being good in bed immediately? How many times will I read about slamming as hard as possible into tight wet pussies and girls wincing in pain but soon moaning and screaming their mate's name in pleasure? Girls being so tight you can barely fit two fingers in? Pussy tasting "sweet"? Everyone cumming every two minutes? Couples cumming on sync? Slamming against walls and doors as if bashing into a solid object doesn't fucking hurt? "You're so fucking beautiful"?

Words being growled? "tHeIr tOngUeS bAtTlEd fOr DoMiNcE." Tongues and fingers gliding up juicy "cores?" No need for lube because the girl is just so wet naturally? Sex every single day? "She won't be able to walk tomorrow"? Sex positions described like they're goddamn acrobatics? Gay sex needing zero prep because your ass just isn't full of shit or doesn't need to stretch nor does it hurt like hell? "His lips continued to assault my neck"? Never using condoms or asking about STD/STI testing/birth control beforehand? No need for asking each other what they're into? "He shot ropes of cum onto his stomach"?

Apparently I have to teach people sex ed:

1. Vanginas actually get looser when you're turned on because they're preparing to make space for penetration. So the only way you'd be so tight you're almost squeezing a dick/fingers off is something called vaginismus happening, your muscles tightening an insane amount, which occurs during fear and panic and is basically vagina anxiety.

2. I don't know how many of you know but seems like not many of yous, the average dick size is like, 5-6 inches, so having a thicc, massive veiny 8-inch Slim Jim isn't very common. Oh and I've mentioned this in another rant before but most vaginas are about 6 inches deep when aroused so stop writing how that 8-inches fits perfectly. By the way while on big dicks (pun not intended), if you're having sex with someone with a large dick, natural lubrication probably won't be enough for the entire time you're having sex as you can only produce so much. So you will probably need lube at some point.

There's nothing at all wrong with needing/using lube, people need to stop acting like you're a loser if you need it or that if your girl needs lube you must not be good enough in bed and don't get her wet.

3. This should go without saying, having sex all night long plus more in the morning isn't really possible considering your body y'know, gets sore or tired, especially for dudes, sex is tiring. So idk where these guys who can have sex every hour and cum too or these barely legal virgins who just got completely train wrecked and are sore as fuck but still want more as if their shit isn't raw/irritated.

4. Can we just stop saying pussy tastes like fruit or sweet? It's vaginal discharge not fruit salad with marshmallows. We've accepted cum doesn't taste good, let's accept pussy tastes like pussy which isn't good tasting either.

5. Every girl squirts so much in smut books... you realize when girls gush during an orgasm it's pee, right? Actual ejaculation for women is a pretty small amount (not to mention not every woman CAN squirt), it's not gonna be a big waterfall of liquid soaking daddy as he pounds that cooter and the sheets and making the mattress cry in disgust.

How many of you have been in the middle of getting it on and referred to your partner's bits during dirty talk as "a little bundle of nerves" or "center" or a "member"? ("Mmm yeah you like it when Daddy rubs his member against your wittle bundle of nerves until he shoots ropes of cum don't you kitten? ;)))") Oh right, none because all of you writing this shit are virgins with only other virgin writers and pornhub as your resources.

Watching porn to write sex scenes is like thinking 5 Minute Craft videos are real, looks legit at first then you actually try it and realize it's just fucking fake disappointment. No, sex isn't always disappointing, it's just disappointing when you go into it with smut/porn level expectations. Sure, sex can live up to those expectations and it does for a lot of people, but for 18-year-old virgins? Nah.

bUt iT's jUsT fAnTaSiTeS iT DoEsn'T hAvE tO Be rEaLiStIc!! Well you're right, fantasies don't have to be realistic but you're trying to write them off like they are, they're cringe, boring, and give people the wrong impression of what sex is, it also puts insecurities on people that they aren't what they see in porn or read in smut books.

WeLl I lIke iT aNd ThAt'S aLl tHaT mAtTeRs!! If you liking it is all that matters why the fuck did you publish it for others to read if you don't care about their enjoyment? If you give something to the public that is entertainment, you are an entertainer now and you have an audience you should try and please to some extent. I hate when people excuse shit ass writing as "Oh well I like it and that's all that matters so I don't need to change!!". You sound stupider than Cardi B whenever she opens her mouth.

Making your sex scenes more down-to-earth just overall makes them a million times better and helps the reader feel closer to the characters... reeeeeaaaallll close because they just imagined them fucking after all.

How to improve your smut scenes? Research. Watching porn isn't research (it can help but we'll get into that later), google how the body works, fuckin' look on Quora even. There's tons of info and interesting things to learn. You don't have to have sex to know shit. I suggest using incognito mode before you look like the ultra virgin you are though.

Just say what it is. Stop using words like the ones I mentioned above, stop using words like "velvety" or "juicy" too, what are you? A blanket? A grape? No, you're a human with some form of genitalia. They're not sensual and seductive, they're just no. You have to consider what adjectives imply.

If I say, "He expelled warm ROPES of his white FLUID from his JUICY cock onto my tongue as I reached down and played with my LITTLE BUNDLE OF NERVES with one hand, still ASSAULTING his MEMBER with my mouth at the same time", that sounds a little weird yeah mate? What's so wrong with just saying dick/cock or clit/g-spot? Nothing, use mature words that can't also be used to refer to gross things, you're writing a sex scene for fuck's sake. Sometimes those types of words can work, but most of the time, using mature words sounds better.

Focus on flow. Pay attention to not only the words you use but the flow of them. Sex scenes are usually very descriptive, you have actions to describe, bodies, feelings, objects, places etc. Because there's so much to describe writers often do one of these two things: tell vs showing the reader. Or the flow of the descriptions falls/becomes shit.

Writing flowing descriptions in general isn't easy so this advice can really be applied outside of smut too but the three keys are pace, word choice, and sentence structure. If the pace is fast, shorter sentences and a little less description. If it's a sensual scene, slower pace and fancier words but not too fancy. Switch up your sentences, if all of your sentences begin the same or are all the same length, you need variation. Whenever I see a story and the first letter of every paragraph is "I", I back the fuck out because I already know the sentence variation is shit. There's a few different types of sentence structures, I'm not going to go over them here because this rant is long enough, but like I been saying, research.

Ideas for sex scenes. Aside from the cliche descriptions and actions, most of the scene ideas are the same as well, the same scenarios over and over again. There's nothing wrong with a plain sex scene if done right, but when you're writing multiple scenes and they're basically a repeat of the first, it's no longer interesting. 

Give your characters sexual quirks, maybe your MC likes fucking with classical music playing or they prefer having their ass ate instead or they like having their body licked idk. Make them see or think of something new and both want to try it out.

Give them fetishes, there's a fetish for literally anything and everything you can think of so you can find some. Look at the cliches and avoid them like Corona. Add unexpected twists. Watch different types of porn, not for research, but to get scene ideas. Explore BDSM even, but love of god research what the fuck you're doing in actual BDSM information spaces. There's nothing quite as annoying as seeing a BDSM book and it just being a 50 shades copy with an even greater amount of abuse and cringe.

Treat your sex scene like it's a book within itself, is the pace good? Is it too wordy? Descriptions flowing? Originality? Buildup and climax? (pun intended). Apply normal ol' writing advice and questions to it. There's no damn excuse for you hoes to be writing the same shit over and over again.