I'm supposed to be working on other things, my Spotify is stuck so I can't turn off the Deftones in the background, and I'm drinking wine at 4am like a depressed soccer mom. What in the fucking hell is my existence?

Anyhoo.

The hook. It's either the easiest or hardest thing for a writer to write and figure out. Why? Because it's the thing that instantly sets the story, it's the thing that can either bore a reader and make them slug through your book, or pique their interest and have them invested at every word.

Everyone wants to make a nice first impression, books are no different. It's like going for a job interview, if you show up with a mismatched suit and bad breath, their impression of you isn't going to be great no matter how professional you speak or how qualified you actually are for the position.

So, that intention of a nice first impression sometimes, (or a lot of times) differs majorly from what it actually turned out to be, and most will probably never see the issues. 

Well, what is the issue though?

I've clicked into countless books only to be greeted by usually one or more of these things: The weather, random narrative and rambling, waking up, "it was all a dream", dialogue, backstory/character description, or flashbacks.

I think most of us know why starting your book with your character waking up to an alarm or their mother and getting ready is trash. So is the dream, don't waste your readers' time on a whole scene and get them invested only to say "lolz it was a dream, time to wake up for work/school now here's the real, boring story and nothing interesting happens until chapter 5!", it's an instant erection eraser. Even if you feel the dream is important, (let's be real it's probably not), there are other fewer shit ways to do it.

Flashbacks most of the time are not needed period and writing sites will suggest against using them for many reasons, I won't get into it because that can be a whole rant within itself. But starting a story with a flashback is similar to the dream beginning, except worse. The flashback of your character being assaulted or witnessing a murder is weak and can be done later on in the story assuming it's actually that "important". It doesn't make me feel sad for the character like you intended it.

Starting with a backstory isn't even slightly interesting. It's just a lazy, pathetic info-dump. Backstory should be sprinkled in throughout the story. For my books I typically don't include much of any real backstory in the first and second chapters at all. If you don't know when to include things and when not to, you haven't passed the basic dos and don'ts of writing.

If you start with character descriptions aka "Hi my name is [whatever] and I'm 16 and have long black hair and blah blah blah"? Baby, sweetheart, honey, darling, dear.... no.

Dialogue is rarely interesting, even if you write a supposedly funny line like a lot of people do, you take a huge risk of people not finding it amusing because they don't know the characters. If I open a book and it's a joke about the character doing something, I'm not gonna burst into laughter, piss my pants, puke, gain abs, and shed tears. Besides, the humourous beginning has been done so many times. And forget starting off with some vague, mysterious edgy line, those make me roll my eyes, what're you? Fucking batman? Dialogue just does not hook.

Narrative can be semi-interesting, though 99.9% of the time? It's boring. I don't care about Anna's annoyed and tired rambling about school or Chase's blabbing about memories at every single place he passes in his taxi after getting off of a plane that just landed in his old hometown he hasn't been to in years.

The weather? This is the one most, even actually good authors seem to be tricked by. Writers are tricked into thinking it's fine and readers are too swooned by pretty descriptions to realize, the book just opened by describing the sky. Opening your book with a nice description of the low heavens kissing the lifeless grass and rain steadily falling through the arctic air on a December morning in London might sound nice, but ask yourself, is fog, rain, and cold air really that interesting? Does it get your attention? Does it make you go "Oh shit, what is this? Cause I need more"? Probably not.

Never, I repeat NEVER start your book with a description, that is a golden rule in writing that doesn't seem very golden on Wattpad because Y'ALL NEVER FUCKING RESEARCH YOU JUST LEECH OFF OF EACH OTHER AND THINK IT'S GOOD. I don't care how unique, clever, or pretty your description of the sun is, it's not as interesting as what's supposed to be happening and never will be.

Just because people comment how good it is doesn't mean shit. Like I said, readers on here are often too distracted by the niceness of the description to see past it because they don't know proper writing either, how to really critique a book, and what to look for. Take commented feedback with a grain of salt if it's all nice because if I have learned anything, it's mostly sugar-coated, ignorant bullshit. People are afraid to comment that something honestly needs work or isn't good. Pussies.

(And oh when you do comment something that isn't bullshit? You authors don't know how to take it, you've never had real feedback and think it's attacking. I've had so many people block me, argue, get defensive, delete my comments, etc, all because I suggested improvements that they asked for. So you uneducated hoes trying to offer feedback like you know what you're saying, have fucked it up for those of us who ARE educated and fucked up authors' perception of what feedback is supposed to be.)

You need to separate the writing itself from what's actually happening. You can write anything in the world and make it pretty if you know how to, but that doesn't take away from the fact you just wrote an entire paragraph talking about how it's springtime and perfect weather THEN mentioned your character. If I poetically and beautifully describe my character peeing on a roasted dead body in a burning church then masturbating as they suffocate of smoke inhalation, does that make it any less fucking gross and weird? No, no it doesn't, does it?

Let's do a little test here. Here are three different openings from my book HELLSIX, now my openings aren't the best by any damn means so don't take this as me bragging or something. But tell me, which one gives you that "Oh shit, what's this?" feeling the most? Which one makes you want to continue reading? P.s, I never used the first one, I simply wrote it here for this, I can proudly say I have never opened a book with the weather.

"THE SEPTEMBER RAIN pounded against my umbrella. Wind caressed my cheek and filled my lungs with Manhattan's heavy, toxic air." - Weather

"THE REALM OF the damned—Earth's surface. With the dullest of beauty and full of the most senseless beings, it was a place I held pity for." - Narrative

"MY HAND PENETRATED his chest once I punched my knuckles through his sternum. Blood turned the dingy ceiling lights from grey to an aesthetically pleasing red. My hand brushed against jagged, broken bone, sinking my claws into the warm wet cavity. His heart pulsed with the speed of a jackrabbit against my hand." - Action

Which one shows a bit of what's happening, sets the scene, and introduces you to the protagonist all at once? Probably not the weather one I reckon? The narrative? Introduces the protagonist's feelings but doesn't really introduce the character or set the scene. Not too interesting is it? The action though? Bit more interesting isn't it?

The three most important things for an opening: Who, what, and where? You don't have to go in that exact order, but these are the main things you need to kick off your book with to make it more interesting.

1. Introduce the characters - Who's head are we in? What are they doing in this situation?

2. What's happening - Set the scene, and no, not by describing random shit, you can add some details, but do not overdo it. Show the reader where the MC is and what's happening around them. Lay a foundation. Do you have to flat out say what's happening? No, in fact I'd personally advise against it. Be a little mysterious, but do not be so vague your reader loses interest, give little details, like a trail of breadcrumbs. Enough to keep the mouth busy but the stomach is still hungry for more (meaning give info for us to think about, but still leave room for us to have questions.). I don't want to keep reading and reading yet still have no reveal of what the fuck is going on. 

3. Keep em' entertained - Similar to point 2, don't tell us what's happening directly but don't leave us in the dark for too long either. Doing this is an easy way to maintain your reader's interest after the hook, is this the only way? No, what is interesting will vary book to book and writer to writer. That trail of breadcrumbs I mentioned better lead to a whole ass slice of bread though. Don't write a good hook then follow it up with rambly, droning narrative or dialogue that goes on and on then leads to nothing.

Every writer with a decent brain between their ears will tell you starting with action is the safest, most interesting bet. Because action, written well enough, can hit all three of those things in one swoop. Action will always be better than description, narrative, or dialogue.

It doesn't have to be something dramatic or crazy, but you also don't want it to be too calm either. Starting with your character waking up and eating breakfast counts as action technically, but we already established that shit is more boring than sitting on the toilet constipated without your phone. What is interesting will depend upon your individual story. As said at the beginning of this rant, it may come to you easily, it may not and you may have to spend time figuring it out.

But how long should my hook be? They say the shorter the better but I don't think that has to be exactly followed, you cannot hook someone to your book in a single sentence most of the time, you need a tad bit more. As much as I love to enforce the rules of writing, I believe some rules are flexible, doesn't matter if it doesn't follow the suggested rules that are screamed if it does what it should and does it well. (You also don't have to do an action hook either, you can do dialogue or narrative or whatever else, but if you're a less experienced writer, stick to something easier to pull off like action). But don't take this as a reason to make your hook super long. The length of your opening will depend on again, your story and what you're able to do, just keep that length in mind.

Use your plot wisely. It can either be a loaded AK-47 or a water gun.

If anyone would like, feel free to message me your story hooks and I'll give you pointers. Just don't cry and block me if I say how much it sucks, k?

That concludes this rant, bye for now my beautiful bitches and assholes.