Hunter

I had a headache even before I arrived at the party. The throbbing pain had started a few hours ago, or more precisely: when I had gotten a call from Victoria. Her instructions had been short and clear: Come to the party at Amy's. I'll be waiting for you in her room. I think you can guess what will happen if you don't follow my orders.

Of course I knew what the consequences would be; she'd tell Jules' parents that we had been together, regardless of whether it was true or not. The thought of that and what would happen to Jules was enough to make me leave the house at exactly nine in the evening, even though there were about thirty things I would have rather done.

The air outside was mild and the sun was still peeking through some houses at the end of the road, casting long shadows onto the pavement. The nights were still harsh and icy, but spring was finally in full swing, chasing the winter and its grim cold away during the day.

Despite the friendly weather, I was feeling bitter and downcast. I knew what Victoria wanted, and I knew that I would give it to her if it was to protect Jules.

The drive to Amy's house was shorter than I would've liked, and I stepped onto the porch all too soon. The noise that engulfed me the second I stepped through the door was almost deafening, loud enough to drown out my thoughts for at least a moment. People from my year and the ones below started coming up to me me as soon as the door fell shut behind me, their voices blurring together and creating an insignificant buzz.

From the times I'd been here before I knew exactly where Amy's room was, but I wasted some time standing around in the corridor for a minute nevertheless. Finally, taking a steadying breath, I opened the door.

The room behind it was dimly lit by a single lamp next to the invitingly large bed. Of course the fact that it was Victoria who was sprawled on the sheets made it a lot less appealing.

"Hunter," she said with a wide smile, propping herself up on one elbow. I didn't miss the way she pushed her chest out and batted her eyelashes at me, but it had absolutely no effect on me. "I'm so glad you came."

"I can't say the pleasure is all mine," I snorted as I crossed the room.

Victoria only shrugged, seemingly unfazed, and got onto her knees on the bed. Her lips twisted into a smirk while she started to unbutton her blouse. "Oh, don't worry, gorgeous. I'm going to give you some pleasure soon enough."

"You could just leave me alone. I'm sure that'd feel even better," I dead-panned, keeping my eyes fixed on her face even as the last button came undone.

Victoria pulled me onto the bed by hooking a finger into the collar of my shirt, making me sit next to her on the mattress. "Oh, Hunter. You really can't seem to see what's best for you..." She bent forward and reached for me, pulling me closer. "Spoiler alert: it's not Jules."

I reached for her hand and forcefully pried it off me, earning a quiet hiss and a glare in return. Staring back at her, I ground out, "What do you want, Victoria?"

"I want you," she said, inching a little closer until her knees were pressing against mine. In a firmer voice, she added, "And I'm going to have you. Or you're going to watch me ruin your precious Julian's life once and for all and know that it's nobody's fault but yours."

For a few seconds all I could do was blink at her. "You can't be serious."

"Oh?" Her pink lips curled into a sardonic smile. Reaching into the pocket of her jeans, she produced her phone and angled it so I could watch as she selected Jules' family's landline number. "Do you want to bet?"

"Stop it," I growled, eyes fixed on the screen as her thumb hovered right above the call button. Panic started to creep to the forefront of my mind, but I was determined to force it down. She wouldn't go through with this. She couldn't. "You don't know what you're doing or what the consequences are-"

"I do," she said with a defiant jerk of her chin. "He'll be sent to Church Camp. And?"

It took all my willpower to keep my hands resting on my knees instead of reaching out to strangle her. "Do you really think it's all just singing Amazing Grace and reading fucking psalms by the campfire? We're talking about Jules' parents here. They're going to make sure that he'll go to a camp where they'll try everything in their power to convince him that he... that something he can't fucking change is wrong," I said, trying my hardest to stop my voice from trembling, only for it to break on the last word. "You can't possibly want that for him."

Victoria shrugged casually, contradicting the tight set of her jaw. "I couldn't care less about what happens to him. It's his parents' decision to make, not mine. I'm not the one sending him there, I'm just the one calling his father to tell him you've been snogging. The rest has nothing to do with me."

"It has everything to do with you," I snapped, my voice getting louder with every word. "If it weren't for you, his parents would have never found out about us and everything would be okay."

"And if it weren't for you, I would have never sent the video to his parents," she hissed. A flush was spreading across her cheeks, her eyes ablaze with pure, unfiltered hatred as they bored into mine. "This is your fucking fault, Hunter, all of it."

The words felt like a punch to the face. I wanted to leave, wanted to get up and walk out and forget them, but I knew that I couldn't, not without consequences.

"If you hadn't dropped me like I was nothing to you, none of this would be happening," she continued.

I exhaled slowly, suddenly feeling weary and exhausted and guilty guilty guilty. "Victoria, I didn't... I didn't think."

She only laughed, a pained, bitter sound. "Exactly. After weeks together, after everything I told you, after I laid myself bare to you, you didn't think for only a second that any of it meant anything, did you? You still thought it was nothing but a hook-up, no strings attached. Right?"

I didn't have anything to reply, nothing to justify any of it as the memories returned, of her in my bed, looking at me and speaking the words, quiet and tender. So I just nodded.

Victoria looked up at the ceiling; in the dim light I could see tears glistening in her eyes, threatening to spill while she tried to blink them away. "I loved you, Hunter. I loved you, and I told you so, and you still thought it was a game just because feelings were never part of your rules." She fell quiet and wiped a hand over her eyes. When she finally looked at me again, the tears were gone. "And then you left me like none of it meant anything and you expected me to be fine with it. You broke me and you didn't even realize. So don't you think for a second that I'm not going to do the same to your little boy toy if it means that I have a chance at getting you back."

"Why do you?" I quietly asked. "Want me back after I hurt you, I mean."

Victoria shook her head and shut her eyes. "I don't know. It's... it's so fucking wrong, but... somehow I think I still love you."

I suddenly couldn't stand looking at her anymore and stared down at my hands instead, knuckles white with how hard I was clasping them together.

Just for a few seconds everything was quiet except for the distant hum of the music from the party downstairs. Eventually, I could hear Victoria taking a deep breath before she leaned closer again. "One kiss," she softly said, her breath brushing my cheek. "Is that really too much to ask?"

My voice was nothing more than a whisper. It sounded shaky and weak and I hated it so much I wanted to scream. "I can't."

"Alright," she said in the same sweet tone, drawing back, "Then I think I'm going to have to make a call."

My stomach revolted at the thought, nausea mixing with nerves, and before I realized it I had a hand gripping onto her shirt and dragging her closer again. I had to silently count to ten before I could finally say, "Do you promise not to tell Jules' parents anything if I do this?"

"At least not anytime soon," Victoria said with a nod.

"Fine," I breathed. "I'll do it. One kiss and nothing more."

She nodded again, a small smile lighting up her face when she realized she had won.

I slowly leaned in, but inches before our lips could brush, I pulled back. "And you won't tell anyone about this, okay? Not your friends, not anyone else at school, and especially not Jules," I said, cursing myself for sounding so unsure and shaky.

"Just stop thinking about him for a second," Victoria impatiently said, shifting even closer. Her perfume tickled my nose, the familiar scent of vanilla. "Jules isn't here. He'll never know."

"He can't."

An amused little glimmer in her eyes told me that she didn't mind the idea of him finding out. "How do you think he would react? I'm sure he would be so sad..."

The mere thought made me feel sick, so I just mindlessly repeated, "He can't find out. Now stop talking and... just kiss me."

The words felt like acid in my mouth, but Victoria pushed me onto my back before I had the time to dwell on them. Her mouth was on mine within seconds, hot and demanding. I pressed my eyes shut and gripped tightly onto the sheets beneath me to keep myself from reaching out and pushing her off the bed.

Everything about this felt wrong; I wanted the taste of coffee instead of strawberries, curls instead of silky, long hair, edges were there were curves and I was about to pull away, when a choked little noise cut through the silence.

Victoria didn't seem to notice, but to me the small sound seemed like a gunshot in the quiet. Turning my head, I searched for the source, only to find myself staring into the same eyes that had been on my mind this entire evening.

Pressed into the mattress by Victoria's weight, all I could utter was a weak, "Fuck... Jules, it's not-"

He didn't stick around to listen. He blinked, once, twice, then he turned and ran.

I immediately tried to sit up, but there was nowhere to go with her body on top of mine. "Victoria, please," I said, too far gone to even care that I was practically begging her. "I need to go after him, he-"

Her lips were back on mine before I could finish my sentence, smothering me with another kiss.

It took a few seconds and all of my strength, but eventually I managed to break the kiss and roll us around so that I was on top of her.

Victoria blinked up at me in surprise as she found herself pinned to the bed. "What are you-"

"I have to get out of here," I said through gritted teeth, sinking my nails into the palms of my hands to stop my anger from boiling over. "And if what you say is true, you'll let me. If you really love me, you will understand that I can't do this. You got your kiss, I did what you wanted. Now you have to let me go and keep your promise to not tell his parents."

The surprise in her eyes gave way to ice-cold calculation. "Alright. Under one condition."

"What is it?" I demanded.

"This won't be the last time you met me."

I stared down at her in disbelief. "Victoria, I'm not fucking doing this again."

"I don't really think you have a choice," she answered with a frosty smile, reminding me that even though she was beneath me, she still had the upper hand in the grand scheme of things. I wanted to wipe that smile off her face, but I knew that that would only make things worse.

It was the thought of Jules, who was probably getting farther and farther away with every second, that hastily made me say, "Alright fine. But no kissing, no nothing. Never again."

I pushed myself off the bed before she could reply and immediately stormed out of the room. In my hurry I almost crashed into a bunch of people on the stairs, but I didn't care, didn't stop, simply rushed on until I reached the living room.

My heart sank when I couldn't spot Jules anywhere.

"Hey Hunter," a voice somewhere beside me said.

I started to walk without turning around. "Not now. I need to get out of here."

"Why?"

When I didn't slow, a hand clasped my sleeve and forced me to turn around. Adam stared down at me with a raised brow. "What's going on? Did something happen?"

"Jules..." I began, breaking off after just that one word. I had to take a deep breath to keep the helpless sense of panic from bubbling over. "Do you know where he is? Did you see him anywhere?"

The look on Adam's face morphed from slightly irritated to definitely worried. "I last saw him maybe fifteen minutes ago? Or twenty, I don't know. Why?"

Twenty minutes. So he hadn't gone and joined the others again. He had left, alone, and if something happened to him it was my fucking fault. "I need to find him," I said, offering no explanation and finally wrestling my arm out of Adam's grip.

He stared at me for a few more seconds, then he just nodded. "Okay. I'll search the city center, you take the main road."

"I- really?" I asked. "Shit, thank you. Call me if you see him, yeah?"

"Of course," Adam said. Before he turned around, he reached for my arm once more, this time to lightly squeeze my shoulder. "I'm sure we'll find him. He can't have gotten far."

I nodded silently, then I followed him towards the front door, pushing through the crowd of moving bodies.

By the time I reached my car, Adam's was already gone. My fingers were trembling when I fished my keys out of my pocket and unlocked the car.

Since Jules had walked in on us about thirty minutes had passed. Not enough time to get too far away, should he be walking on foot. I tried to cling to that thought as I got into the driver's seat and started the engine.

It had started to rain while I had been inside, the downpour blurring my vision through the windshield, the pattering of the raindrops mixing with the noise of my shaky breathing. The knowledge that Jules was probably out here somewhere, drenched and cold and alone was enough to make me floor it as I took one of the roads leading to our neighbourhood.

The streetlights around here were spare, so it was almost impossible to make out anything beside the road. After a few moments I started looking for a place to turn and drive back to see if I missed something, when I suddenly caught a glimpse of a hunched figure sitting at the side of the road.

I immediately slammed my foot down on the brake, grateful that there were no cars behind me.

The car rocked to a stop with screeching tires, but he didn't look up. I swallowed hard and pulled out my phone to quickly text Adam.

Then I finally got out of the car and quietly neared him.

Jules was sitting with his elbows resting on his knees and his head in his hands. Next to him something was glistening in the faint glow of the streetlights down the road; only after a second glance I realized that it was a bottle of vodka.

Gathering all my strength, I carefully asked, "Jules?"

He didn't react, gave no indication that he even noticed me.

I stood there, feeling raindrops trailing down my neck and my heart beating out of my chest with fear. There was nothing I could say, so I only silently sunk onto the curb next to him, careful not to move too close.

For what felt like an eternity the only sound in my ears was the rain, so quiet that I flinched when Jules suddenly spoke. "If you've come to tell me that it wasn't what it looked like, you can save your breath."

"Jules, please," I whispered. I didn't even know what I was begging for. Not forgiveness, because that was something that I did not even have for myself. Understanding, perhaps, seeing as it was all that I could still hope for from him. "It... it wasn't like that, I didn't-"

"I don't want to hear it," Jules said. His voice was strangely monotone and when he finally looked up, his blue eyes looked like they were frozen over, cold and hard, devoid of any emotion. "See, I understand you. You are with someone and then you grow bored, so you drop them. I don't know what made me think that this was any different."

When I opened my mouth again I sounded desperate and choked up. "It was different. It is. I... this is so different than anything I've ever felt and I... God, I fucking ruined everything, I'm so sorry."

Jules remained completely silent. In the dull glow of the streetlights, he looked like a stranger, not like the boy who had been nestled against my chest only yesterday. He was a picture in black and white, harsh shadows turning his face into something alien. Drops of rain clung to his eyelashes and trailed down his cheeks.

I couldn't hold his gaze for long. "She told me she would call your parents and I didn't- I didn't know what to do," I whispered, so quietly I couldn't even be sure he heard me. I was feeling sick to my stomach, still feeling the phantom touch of her lips on mine. "I didn't want to kiss her, but I was so scared and then I did it and it was so wrong and I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. I never wanted to lose this and then I-"

I couldn't finish my sentence because I suddenly had to double over, pressing my hands onto the wet concrete. My entire body was shaking as I started to dry-heave and wave after wave of nausea crashed over me.

I had kissed Victoria. I had kissed Victoria and I could still taste her lip gloss and Jules thought I didn't love him and I had ruined everything within minutes. I had lost him and it was all my fault and I couldn't stop shaking, my ears were ringing and my teeth were chattering and it was all my fault and I was sorry. I was sorry I was sorry I was sorry.

"Hunter."

Jules' voice was soft and sounded a million years away, barely reaching me as I started to tremble even more.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, gasping for air. "I shouldn't have done it, I shouldn't have-"

"Hunter," he repeated, firmer this time, and I flinched when I could feel his hand settling onto my shoulder. "Breathe."

I tried, but there seemed to not be enough oxygen and everything started to get a bit hazy and dark around the edges, until I suddenly felt his arms around me.

My hands instinctively came up to hold onto Jules' arm like it was some kind of anchor. My lungs screamed for air and I tried, tried to breathe in and out, evenly and calmly, and when I couldn't, a quiet sob that I at first didn't realize was mine sounded through the silence.

"Shh, just breathe. In and out. In and out. Just... just keep breathing," Jules murmured.

I wasn't sure if it was my imagination or if he sounded choked up as well, but it didn't matter as he moved a hand to the back of my head and let me rest my forehead against his shoulder. He was trembling, too, but his breathing was even and after a moment I tried to inhale and exhale in time with him. In and out. In and out. In and out until I was no longer hyperventilating and the world stopped spinning all around me.

"Okay?" Jules hesitantly asked once he noticed I had calmed down, and I only felt even more miserable when I realized that he was the one holding me even though I was guilty, even though I had cheated and didn't deserve any of this.

"Yes," I whispered and finally mustered the strength to pull away, immediately feeling a hundred times colder without his arms around me.

A few feet away a car drove past us, then the deafening silence returned. I couldn't look Jules in the eye out of fear of what I would see in them.

When he eventually spoke, each word sounded like a punch to the face. "I can't forgive you."

I had no right to expect anything else, so I only nodded, feeling my eyes burning.

Jules quickly added, "At least not yet. I... I need some time, I think."

"Okay," I rasped, forcing myself to nod.

"Just..." From the corner of my eye I could see him running a hand over his face, looking tired and exhausted and so bitter it made something deep inside my chest ache. My heart skipped a beat when he suddenly turned his head and met my eyes. "I just need you to know that I understand that you didn't want to do it. It's not all your fault. This entire situation is completely fucked up and there's just... nothing we can really do about it."

My throat tightened at his words. "I wish we could get you out of there," I muttered. "You know, have you live with me, or get you your own place. Just anywhere except for your parents' house."

Jules just shook his head and stared straight ahead, not caring about the wet strands of hair that fell into his eyes. "It's not that easy. I'm only turning eighteen next year, they would find a way to get me back. Besides... I could never just leave Maya there." 

He was silent again. Then he suddenly said, "You know, sometimes I think I should just go to Church Camp and have all of this over with, but then..." He breaks off, hands clenched together in his lap. "I remember there was this guy who used to go to our school and lived a few roads down the block, Richie, I don't know if you know him. He was always kind of rumored to be gay and then one summer he went to Church Camp. A few weeks after he came back, he had a girlfriend."

I felt all the air being knocked out of my lungs when he turned his head and looked at me with wide eyes, suddenly looking young and helpless and scared. "I can't do that. Not after everything with Em and when I only just started to accept this part of me. I don't ever want to live that lie again. I can't."

"You won't have to," I said, trying to sound more certain than I felt. "We'll find a way. I know we will."

Jules was silent, wrapping his arms around himself. After a long moment he softly asked, "Can you drive me home?"

"Of course," I replied, slowly getting to my feet and walking over to my car.

He got in beside me, completely soaked and with chattering teeth. I wordlessly started the engine and turned the heating to its highest setting.

Neither of us talked during the short ride home. Jules sat completely motionless, glazed eyes staring straight ahead. There was no way for me to tell what he was thinking about, and in the tense quiet I didn't dare ask.

Even though I doubted his parents were still up, I parked the car a good few feet away from the house.

Jules looked out of the window without moving; eventually, I could see him swallowing hard before he silently got out of the car.

He went inside without turning around once.