Flip back to remind yourself how sexy Michael B Jordan is

30th rant! Dedicated to YOUR FACE

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As you can imagine, I tend to get quite a number of messages in my inbox on Wattpad on the daily.

Before I start this rant, I will put it out there that I fucking love it. I always try and reply to people and bla bla bla all that shit basically try not to get offended because I'm making generalizations etc

I'm currently watching handball haha the Olympics teaches me of new sports every time I turn on the television but it also leads me to wonder how people get into such strange and uncommon sports? Like did they wake up one day and say I AM GOING TO DO CANOE SLALOM TODAYYY like it's super cool but I don't get that tbh 😂

Anywhoooooooo

Types of Messages I Get

1. The Shameless Ones

These people sort of have zero shame when it comes to asking for favours.

And I'm like whoa, I was not ready for that level of candor

"I FOLLOWED YOU SO FOLLOW ME BACK"

"Read my book I just posted a new chapter"

So um...okay, hello to you too, ya know?

2. The Sheepish (adorable) Ones

I find it so adorable when fans like send me messages and end up saying a shit load and then they start getting all embarrassed about it.

"Hi genie_us so I just wanted to tell you cows grow feet when they're dancing in the rain also the quick brown fox is your face haha I bet you expected me to say that it jumped over the stupid dog haha I didn't want to use all the letters in the alphabet but you know what your face but omg I really love your books and I also went to this place which smelled like peaches haha not the elephant in ice age omg it's a mammoth what am I saying...

...I'm so sorry, I'm so weird. Omg."

And I'm just like OMGGG I LIKE YOU COME GIMME A HUG because I know for a fact that that will be me when I meet Daniel Craig

And all the weirdest people rule the world. It's no doubt.

Like that Alice in Wonderland quote *googles a tumblr pic of the quote*

I love that quote. Point is, there's no need to get embarrassed if you get all weird. I'm weird too, and I've no apologies for it.

It's just really cute when you do, and I get to rant about it😋

(It's not really a rant though tbf)

3. The Bush-Beater Ones

These are the people who looool are annoying af coz they are obviously trying to insinuate something but won't outright say it and then when you ask about it they're like: "WHAAATTT! NOOO I WASNT EVEN SUGGESTING THAT BUT I MEAN..."

Like you find these type of people in real life as well and I can't stand that shit. Like,

Them: hey, so basically I've walked around and everyone else seems super busy and I really want to go to the cinema but I've never gone to the cinema alone.

Me: okay...so...

Them: yea, I usually go with Dean but Dean is kind of gone right now but I still really want to watch this movie. I've never gone alone though...

Me: SO ARE YOU BASICALLY ASKING ME TO GO WITH YOU?

Them: Huh? Oh, sure. Whatever, I don't mind.

Yes, I get this shit on Wattpad ALL THE DAMM TIME.

"So um, I usually like comment a lot on people's books and they give dedications and stuff and I think it's super nice when writers give dedications, you know? By the way, on a totally unrelated note, I've just commented on each chapter of your book about four times! Lol!"

Oh fuck off.

4. The Auto-Correct-Seems-To-Fucking-Hate-You Ones

This is all of us to be fair. We are all victims of autocorrect's abuse

Some days I open my messages to see like a billion notifications only to find that it's only one person:

Hi

Hello ther

*there

Autocorrect is so

Annoying oops sorry I keep pressing the en

*the enter button

My bad. So how are yo

And I'm just like breathe, breathe. Recollect yourself.

But I mean sometimes it's not even autocorrect that's the problem, they just like to type out messages like that. One sentence each.

Because each sentence deserves its own white box, kay.

5. The Pregnant Ones

HEYY PREGGERS IS BACK!

#WWDMC1reference

Ahahaha so these Wattpad conversations be like:

April 19, 2014
Hi! How are you?!

April 20, 2014
Heyo! Good and you? Thanks for reading my book btw!

June 27, 2016
Fine, thanks.

And they act as if they didn't just reply two motherfucking years after you sent the text. And it's not even annoying, it's just soooo funny because they brush it off like they weren't ever gone!

I mean, I've gotten the occasional

"Sorry, I was busy."

But it's like whatdoyoumean you were busy ahahahah

*insert first joke I ever made about them being busy giving birth*

*back then my humour level was 💯 but now I'm just an old ass motherfucker who sleeps 90% of the day and eats for 10%.*

6. The Excited Ones (Fans!)

HAIIIII GENIE I LOVE YOU AND I ALSO LOVE PETUNIA OMG HUG MEEEE

and I'm just like AWWW SHUCKS I LOVE YOU TOO

They're the type of people I can't help but reply with caps lock in because they deserve a bigggg hug and it's just really cool to have people really into my stuff and stuff your face I'm going to play the piano rn

(Jks remember I just told u I spend 90% of my day sleeping, I'm writing this in bed, so I was just testing you)

7. The Sorta-Rude-Nice Ones

You know those people in real life who sort of give you half-compliments and you're just left there confused as to whether you should thank them or be offended?

Yep, I get those too.

"Hello, genie_us."

"Hiiiii!!!! How are you?!"

"Oh. Surprised you even replied. I thought you'd be like most popular writers."

And I sort of have to think about whether it's something I take positively or not...like why would you assume something before you've even spoken to me? I've also gotten

"Hi genie I don't expect you to respond so idk why I'm even sending this"

And I just feel so cheated because they're arriving at conclusions without even giving me a chance and I'm like awww okay then.

8. The Oldie-Goldies

These are the messages I get that are rather different in the sense that it's like the posh version of 'fan mail', aha, for instance:

"Greetings, of the user genie_us, whom I much prefer to refer to as the Genius. Your works hath done great things indeed, I have felt inspired by the tribbles hath doth haemoglobin whilst deoxyribonucleic Aslan Queen Elizabeth. I bidest thee a gentle goodmorrow."

And I end up feeling so pleased with myself even though I'm not the one who wrote it😂😂

Prepare for your eyes to be blessed yet again:

I know what you're thinking: "Genie what did I do to deserve this beautiful thing inserted upon me"

And to that, I say, yes. Because yes is the answer to most things when you're half asleep.

There will part two of this soon. Just keep em messages coming through 😉😘

I bid you a gentle goodmorrow!

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