Heya friends
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So I was just about to update Wattpad on the App Store

And I usually click to read the update descriptions these days because some apps just change DRASTICALLY and I'm like wth how do I reverse, so these days I make it a point to actually read them

And I've never been so amused in my life. I'm telling you, Wattpad makes it too easy for me to rant about them.

I mean take a look at what it says no lie:

Wattpad, Version 6.9.0, 41.7MB | 19 Jul 2016

The Update and I are sitting at the diner once again. It's become somewhat of a usual spot, I suppose. The grub is good and the service is always fast and friendly. But this time I chose it for an entirely different reason.

"You can now scroll infinitely for people and reading list searches..." the update starts, rhyming off his new list for me. I don't notice him leaning towards me across the table.

"Online comments now appear in chronological order..." He murmurs softly. I'm not sure why his voice is getting so low and husky.

"We fixed out top 3 crashes: in the YouTube player, while downloading story covers, and in the writer." He places his hand near mine and slowly grazes my arm. "We also fixed the bug that would reset your reading position to the beginning of the story."

I can't see the way his eyes are sparkling because my phone screen is up covering most of my face.

"It's easier now to share a story after taking a screenshot and it's easier to share your stories from within My Works...." he stops suddenly and sits back with a scowl. "Notes.," he growls sharply and I startle. "Are you even listening to me at all?"

I finally look up from my phone and offer him an apologetic look. "I'm really sorry, but there's a Charmander on your shoulder."

Now, THIS IDEA IS STUPID AS FUCK. Like first of all why the hell would you make it a story?? Just because wattpad is a writing app??? NO WATTPAD NO, YOU DO NOT DO SUCH THINGS

JUST BECAUSE YOUR FACE US YOUR FACE DOESN'T MEAN YOU MAKE IT YOUR FACE UGHHHH

IF YOU WERE IN HIGH SCHOOL YOUR REPUTATION WOULD GO DOWN TO -73 DEGREES

Like Wattpad, help me understand here. Are you trying to be cool or? Because if you need help I know I guy, but until I introduce you, kindly refrain from doing stupid behaviors like that my word

Here's the passage again, featuring genie_us' commentary (in bold). Bitch:

The Update and I are sitting at the diner once again. Hold up. First of all, are you on a date? With the update??? Hahahahaha up-DATE hahaha get it lol

No no, like seriously the update is a person? GERRARA HERE SHIIIT MAYN

It's become somewhat of a usual spot, I suppose. The grub is good and the service is always fast and friendly. But this time I chose it for an entirely different reason. Like is this what Wattpad thinks makes an interesting story? Because I'm starting to fall asleep here fam, why are you taking so long to tell me wtf the new features are??? Idgaf about your fucking date with the update, YOU DONT HAVE TO POST ALL YOUR RELATIONSHIP DETAILS ON SOCIAL MEDIA FFS

"You can now scroll infinitely for people and reading list searches..." the update starts, rhyming off his new list for me. I don't notice him leaning towards me across the table. *shifts uncomfortably* why does this sound like the start of a porno...

"Online comments now appear in chronological order..." He murmurs softly. I'm not sure why his voice is getting so low and husky. WHAT WHAT WHAT WAIT WHAT

"He murmurs softly?"
"His voice is getting so low and husky?"

WATTPAD IS MAKING ME UNCOMFORTABLE LIKE WHY WHY WHY I JUST WANTED TO KNOW WHAT THE UPDATE WAS BRUH I DIDNT SIGN UP FOR THIS

I'M JUST A POOR LITTLE KID

OMG IS THE UPDATE HORNY WTH

"We fixed out top 3 crashes: in the YouTube player, while downloading story covers, and in the writer." He places his hand near mine and slowly grazes my arm. OH LAWD WHAT IS EVEN GOING ON FAM. "We also fixed the bug that would reset your reading position to the beginning of the story."

I can't see the way his eyes are sparkling SO THEN HOW DO YOU KNOW TO SAY HIS EYES ARE SPARKLING THEN because my phone screen is up covering most of my face. But wait, aren't you reading the update from your phone? Oh no wait the update is a person how could I forget shit THIS IS FUCKING WITH ME RN

And girllllll why u so rude? Y u on the phone while on a date??? Show some respect smh.

"It's easier now to share a story after taking a screenshot and it's easier to share your stories from within My Works...." FOUR ELLIPSES?? WE DISCUSSED THIS OMG, THIS IS PUNCTUATIONALLY AND ENGLISHICALLY WRONG he stops suddenly and sits back with a scowl. "Notes.," he growls sharply and I startle. "Are you even listening to me at all?"

WAIT. THE BITCH'S NAME IS NOTES?????

Okay okay so you mean to tell me that Update is on a date with Notes? How does that even fucking work dude???? Wouldn't it have at least made more sense if the Update was on a date with the reader or something?

Not that any of this shit makes any sense DANGFLABBIT

I finally look up from my phone and offer him an apologetic look. "I'm really sorry, but there's a Charmander on your shoulder." I'M DONE

I'M LEGIT SO DONE

A POKEMON GO JOKE? LIKE HOLY SHIT I AM LEGITIMATELY SO DONE WITH THIS BULLSHIT

Reading that on the App Store was a waste of my bloody time and I don't even remember what the new features of the update are because I'M TOO BUSY TRYING TO HEAL OF THE EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL TRAUMA I HAVE GAINED FROM READING THAT SHIT LIKE UPDATE MAKING SEXUAL ADVANCES ON NOTES??

Tbh it's basically just a metaphor not to vote for Donald Trump tbh

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Do any of you guys have piercings and/or tattoos? Or are you secretly all nine year olds who are rebels reading this filth-infested book lol

(I'm asking coz I wanna get some more)
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