I woke up early Saturday feeling a bit queasy but it was now or never. I walked around to Alysa's house. I saw a car in the drive way, so i knocked on the door. Ms. Renea opened it a few seconds later. "Chase, oh sweetie hi come on it." She sounded hopeful i knew this would happen.                       

                                 She led me to the living room and i sat on the couch. "Can I get you something to drink?" She asked to be polite. "No thank you." "Ok, Please tell me you're here because you remember something?" "No actually, i was going to ask you if you could tell me some stuff maybe jog my memory?" I said rubbing my sweaty palms on my pants.

                                "Ok well one thing i remember is one of the times she was coming to see you. It was on a Friday and it was raining. I had tooken her to the mall that day. We shopped and she spent all day looking for you a shirt." "The grey one with the flaming skull on it." "Yes, that's the one. Your parents had gone to that party thing at the hospital. I was walking out the door to get groceries. She vagouly metioned going over there. Said she just wanted to check on you."

                                   I closed my eyes and i could see alysa coming into my room. She was wearing a white night gown it was soaked. She walked over to my bed and sat on the end. 'I got this for you.' She said holding the box out. 'Thank you!' i said opening it and pulling the shirt out. 'it's perfect i love it.' 'I'm so glad.' 'speaking of t-shirt's you look cold let me get you a clean one.' I got up to go to my dresser. I opened it and pulled out a shirt when i turned around she pulled her night gown off. She wasn't wearing a bra. She walked over towards me.

                                 "What are you doing?" i asked her nervously. I hadn't yet had sex with anybody and as far as i knew neither had she. She pushed me against the wall and bit her lip. I started breathing heavy.' "Chase are you ok?" She asked me snapping me out of my thoughts. "I don't know." "Are you sure I can't get you something to drink? You look a little pale." "Maybe just a glass of water. Thank you." I said. She got up to get me one. I felt sick like i was going to throw up i didn't like where my thought's had gone surley i didn't sleep with her.

                               She returned with my glass of water and handed it to me. "Thank you." I took a sip. "So you thought of something?" "Not much but i remember her giving me the shirt." "Well that's a start. Anything about the accident?" "No nothing yet i'm just hoping if i remember a few things i could put a few more peices together." "Ok well when i got back she was asleep." "Did you talk to her about it the next day?"

                             "Well, yes i asked her what you guys did." I looked up hoping she hadn't told her mother if we slept together. It would confirm my suspission but i don't think she had because her mom didn't look upset. "She just said you guys had hung out." "Hm ok." "And she had come over a few other times to bring you cards." "Cards?" "Yea uhm, on several different occations. I didn't really ask, but i think she liked you. She seemed excited to be bringing them too you. But there was mention of a girl...uhm..shelby" "My girlfriend." "Maybe if you still have the cards we could get some more information." She seemed hopeful.

                           "I burned the cards." I hung my head. "After she died i couldn't handle having anything that reminded me of her around." "But you kept the shirt?" "I didn't know she had given it to me till a while after, when my mom told me." "Oh." I saw another image in my head. 'Alysa, i don't like you. I'm really sorry but there's another girl...Shelby. "Chase what do you mean? i thought you and i...?" "Were just friends me and you, and i don't want to ruin our friendship."

                           Then she left. That had to of been before she came and brought me the shirt.' I groaned. I grabbed my cup and took a few more sips. I must of slept with her. I had to of, i don't even remember what happened next but i think we slept together. I think maybe she tried to encourage me to have sex with her in hopes we'd be something more. But I know for a fact I wouldn't have done that. So then why did I??

                         Right now i wished i were dead. I'm not a jerk and i don't like to think of myself as one. So the fact that i would of slept with her really bothers me. Would i really sink that low? And the old age exscuse was i was a guy shouldn't apply here. But for some reason it did. She had to of known i would of wanted her. I am a 17 year old virgin. But ugh it still dosen't make what i did right. I just wanted to punch myself for doing something so cold and heartless. Especialy if i had no intentions of dating her.                       

                      "Uhm and the night of the accident i asked her where you guys were going, she was very vauge with her answers she said you guys were going to see a band, i didn't know till after the accident you guy's had gone to the bar." "Right ,i'm sorry about that, i know i never told you but i'm sorry." "Thank you." "I know you blame me and you have every right too." She started tearing up. "Thank you." "I'm sorry it took so long for me to stop by but i really didn't know anything so i felt wierd about coming by." "It's ok you're here now that's all that matters. And I just want you to know I don't blame you for what happened. Alysa could've very easily been the one in the drivers seat."

                     "I appreciate that but we shouldn't of been drinking." "I remember my first time drinking I was underage and I too got drunk. You're a teenager you're supposed to make mistakes." "How can you sit here and console me when I killed your daughter?" "Because Alysa would of wanted it that way. She wouldn't of wanted me to hold this against you and hate you. And hate gets you nowhere." She smiled a bit. But it was a sad smile. "Thank you." I said standing up.

                            "I'm going to get going. Thank you for talking with me it really helped." "Anytime dear, thank you for stopping by if you think of anything else please let me know." "Of course of course." She held the door open and i walked back towards my house. My mom had two sandwiches on the table when i walked in. 

                           "How did it go?" "Ok, i had some more vissions, mom i'm scared." "Chase sweetie why?" "I think i did something bad. Like really wrong." I picked my sandwich up and took a bite. "Well,i'm sure it wasn't that bad." "No mom i think it was, i remembered something about alysa and i think i really hurt her." "Why do you say that?" "I think she liked me." "That's a safe assumtion, me and your father both thought maybe she did, but you were all about Shelby."

                         "Right, i did like shelby and Alysa telling me she liked me was a shock. She gave me the shirt you know as her way of letting me know she liked me, and i was terrible." "No, if you just wanted to be friends you were dong what you thought was right." "I guess so, but i think i used her." "Hm yea that can be difficult." We finished our sandwiches in silence.

                             I missed being drunk. It really made not thinking easy. I wanted a drink now, but my mom was so proud of me and heck the last time i was drunk, didn't turn out so well. I knew my brain wanted to keep thinking about what happend that night and i really didn't want too. I mean sure it would be nice to know if we had slept together so i could start hating myself. I turned on my play station and zoned out for the rest of the day.

                             School went by slow that week and i was glad, i put so much effort into my school work that i was becoming a nerd. I even asked for extra credit assingments to keep buzy. I cleaned my room and did work outside. The yard was raked and the fire wood was stacked.

                            Thursday rolled around and i was dreading going to therapy. "You look like you got hit by a bus so i take it you remember something? How did the talk with alysas mom go?" "It went." I nodded. "So tell me." I retold her everything that i remembered.

                           "Why do you think sleeping with alysa is far fetched, you said so yourself you were a virgin. Boys think about sex a lot it's how you're wired. And i think you had a pass." "A pass?" "Yea you knew she liked you so it wasn't like she was going to hold this against you." My mouth fell open. Was she serious right now? "But she should i knew i didnt like her and it was wrong, what if i find out i did this i will never be able to live with myself. That makes me such a jerk."

                           "Eventualy you will, if you did. So let's try something." "No i know what your going to say." "Do you?" "You want me to close my eyes and remember." "Try." No, i could of remembered what happend last week but i don't want to i can't bring myself to do it." "Why, it will be good for you." "Maybe but i just know i can't"

                           "Ok how about you start rmembering and if it gets to painful then you can stop." I gripped the side of the couch. I leaned my head back and shut my eyes. 'I was in my room again. Alysa was there. She was saying something but, she is sexy as all get our right now so i have no clue what she is saying. Why is she coming closer? Oh she looks like she wants more then a hug. I really should stop her. And she's still not wearing a shirt or a bra. Boobs...I like boobs in person better. She pulled my shirt over my head.

                         "Alysa i can't do this, it's not right." "Don't you think i'm sexy?" "Gosh, yes, you know i do, you walked in my room soaked, of course i do. But it's not about that. I like somebody else. but i can look at a girl i barley know and think she's sexy. So that can't be my only basis" She pulled the front of my shorts and pulled me to her.

                        "Kiss me, if you don't feel anything i'll stop." I leaned down and kissed her after all i didn't know for sure i didn't like her for all i knew i could of had feelings for her. I didn't feel a spark like you should when you like a girl but my pants did. I groaned. She took that as her cue to keep going. She pulled my shorts off and started pulling me towards the bed.

                          Then it happened we had sex, i remember it was nice. And after wards she thought this meant i liked her. So much for that pass. I remember trying to explain to her that i didn't want this and that i tried to stop her. But that's no excuse I actually should of stopped her. I was a jerk for not stopping her. She wasn't mad. She said she was glad her first time was with me and that she was ok with me liking shelby that didn't seem right. Why would she be ok with it? Something was wrong. I hated myself then.'

                             "Chase!! Chase!! Look at me!!" When i finally opened my eyes i realized i had been screaming and crying. The magizines she had on the table where across the room. "I DID HAVE SEX WITH HER I KNOW I DID. I SAW IT IN MY HEAD!!" "Ok, so this is good." "I HAD SEX WITH HER, THAT IS BAD." "No, just think for a minute. Did you use a condom?" "What? No it was kind of spur of the moment." "Ok then you said alysa was a virgin too, so maybe that's what she was telling you in the car, that she was pregnant. Maybe that's why she was crying and upset." I jumped up. "That must be it! I must of gotten her pregnant."

                              "Chase i'm so sorry." Maybe that's why she was ok with me liking Shelby, because I was going to have to be in her life one way or another if she actually got pregnant.  I had another vission. It was really fuzzy. But we were deffinatly talking about her being pregnant. "Yea i saw her telling me about it." "So you're going to tell her mom?" "Does she need to know? I don't really think so. I can just keep this to myself." "But that's the missing peice what she wanted to know isn't it?" "Sure, but i don't have all the peices so i really can't tell her anything yet. It's just one piece." "Are you ever gonna tell her?" "If she was alive yes, and we both would of gotten in alot of trouble i was already grounded for a month imagine if my parents found this out, I'd be grounded another month for sure."

                                  "But it's about what's right." "Not anymore, i've already screwed up so much and shelby has been here and it's not fair to her. Saying anything would just hurt her." "Why because you got a girl pregnant before you and her went out, it's in your past i'm sure she will understand." "Shelby and I haven't even slept together yet. I don't think she will ok with this." 

                                  My phone vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out. "I'm sorry give me just a minute." I said. "Hello??" "Oh, if your busy i'll call you back." Shelby said. "No it's ok i only have a few minutes though." "Ok well would you meet me at judy's after your done?" "What for?" "Prom silly it's next weekend." "Oh." "We are going together aren't we?" "Yea of course." "Ok see you soon." I sent my mom a quick text to let her know where i'd be.

                                "Like I said I don't think she'd be ok with this. She's a virgin." "So?" "She thinks i'm one too!!" "That's not your fault." "Oh here we go agian, don't try to make me feel better i'm a jerk it is SO my fault. I could've said no and I didn't." "No i meant about you telling shelby you were a virgin, you forgot you had sex." "How do you forget you have sex with somebody it's supposed to mean something." "I'm sure it did." "NO it didn't because i didn't like alysa like that. Not the way i think i liked shelby." "Think?" "I didn't know what i was up against maybe i thought i liked her, but we haven't even said i love you to each other yet, and you know why because my stupid brain wouldn't realese my memories now that there back that changes everything!"

                            "Well then take a break from shelby tell her you need time to think." "That little phone call i got was about prom, no way i can take a break now, and imagine if i actually tell her what i did." "You can't hide it." "I will." "No, i saw it on your face when you came in she will notice it too." "I just want all of this to go away!!" "Well it's not going too, you made a mistake." "I know and now i'm paying for it, you know i would be ok if it was JUST me paying for me but no, alysa is paying for it and so is her family and now shelby is being brought into this i can't deal with all this, and i just want it to all go away." "Ok my first suggestion is you lay low on telling anybody anything until Everything comes back, but you need to tell shelby what you did." "But i don't see why i even have too, it's just going to hurt her even more." "Maybe but..." The buzzer went off. "I'll think about telling her." "Ok good. I'll see you next week." "Ok bye." She led me to the door and held it open.