Thanks to @hazelnutxxx for the amazing cover.                                             

                                             Its Thursday again, so here i am. As promised. But don't think i'm happy about it, cause i'm not. It's the same crap every week:therapy. The first week was like my first day of jr high all over again. She wanted to 'get to know me.' so i would feel more at ease. But who feels at ease at therapy? It's like a giant x-ray where somebody see's you're inner most thoughts.

                                             This place was comfortable enough but something about these places always seemed off to me. It was like they wanted you to feel like you were at Grandma's house but i definitely wasn't getting cookies and milk and told i was a good boy.

                                              Anyways. I told her i had plans to attend duke in the fall, right after high school. Early acceptance. Before all this crap happened i was the crown jewel in my family. Being that i was an only child. I do have three older cousins though who weren't doing much. After high school Sid took on a job at a garage and randy and Lyle went to the local community college. See what i mean? Everybody in my family had a big party the day i got accepted. I always wanted to study medicine. My parents where so happy for me.

                                            I had my hands folded over my chest. "So Chase how are we doing today?" She always asked me how 'we' were doing as if it was a group effort. When really it was just how i was doing. "Peachy keen." I said sarcastically. "Well that's better then last week when you were.." She took a look at a note pad in her hand. "Just fine." "Right, well lets get on with it then." "With?" "Phys-co babble analysis. You basically tell me why i'm crazy right? Isn't that what you get paid for?" "No I'm here to help you work through your problems so that maybe you can remember what happened. Your not crazy you just hit your head." "But don't you spend all day talking to nuts? Boy i must be a treat." "I just want to help you remember." She said. "Yeah cause if i can't remember what happened on my own, you surely can." I rolled my eyes.

                                         "It's been three weeks, aren't you past this yet?" "Look i don't remember ok, i get enough crap from my parents. They are always checking on me twenty four seven!" "Because of the accident?" "Maybe that maybe something else." "What kind of something else?" "I tried to kill my self OK." "Really, is that why your parents are always checking in on you?" "Yeah more or less, let's just say that my parents think the accident wasn't an accident." "Wasn't it?" "Of course it was! You think i would seriously kill my best friend just because i wanted out? Nah she didn't deserve that." "Why did you try to kill yourself?" "Well it was because i...well i...i don't remember." I hung my head.

                                       "Your mom?" "No you really think i'd tell her? That's why i'm here because i won't talk to her." "Hm interesting." She was scribbling madly on her pad,for the first time. The last three sessions i didn't talk. But i figured 2 things. One i have to be here. Two i can't talk to my parents and i just killed my best friend. My girlfriend she just dosent get it. so i'd better talk to somebody. Ok that was all a lie. Something my parents expected me to say. But for real. I knew i wasn't going to be able to stop coming and the bitter act was getting old.

                                     "Is it crap from just your parents?" "No, its Alyssa's mom she calls me to see if I've remembered anything, i keep telling her no. I told her if i did i would call her." "Will you?" "I don't know." "Don't you feel she deserves to know?" "Sure and if i wanted to remember then fine." "Wait, are you saying you don't want to remember?" "What don't you understand. I killed my best friend. Would you want to remember something like that? I'm glad i lose my memory i hope it never comes back." "No, i understand. What is there guilt or something?" "LOOK I HAVE TOLD YOU I KILLED MY BEST FRIEND, THE GIRL THAT LIVED NEXT DOOR TO ME SINCE I WAS FIVE!!"

                                    "OK, i'm sensing yes, but may i ask why." "I killed her." I told her getting angry doesn't this woman listen? "Yes but it wasn't your fault was it?" "How the heck do i know i forgot what happened. For all i know it could've been my fault." "Exactly for all you know it could of been somebody else's fault." "So?" "so the point is why are you feeling upset about this when you don't even know if you did anything, besides like you said....you don't want to remember anything right? So lets just forget..."

                                   "Maybe i do." "I thought so, so lets try thinking back to the night tell me what you do remember, and when you come next week if you think of anything else let me know." "Fine, i just remember i woke up and my mom was sitting on the side of the bed leaning over me crying. My dad was hugging Alyssa's mom. My mom hugged me and said she loved me. Alyssa's mom ran over. First she screamed because i killed her daughter then she demanded i tell her what i knew. My mom pulled her over to the side, told her that i was in a 'delicate' state that she should bother me later. Which is weird this woman's daughter just died and she want's all the gory details. My mom was lucky enough to still have me though and she had to console Alyssa's mom."

                                      "Does that make you regret trying to kill yourself?" "Yeah i guess, i mean I've never seen my mom cry like that before so i felt bad. Can't say i'll be trying to do that again." "Well that's good." "It would be if i could just figure out how to get my mom to chill out." "Well i mean can you blame her?" "I guess not but its been two months." "Understandable. so finish with your story."

                                     I shifted in my seat. "Well so Alyssa's mom left she couldn't handle being there i didn't see her again till the funeral." "You went?" She pushed her glasses up her nose. "Yeah i wasn't going to go but i knew Alyssa would of wanted me there so i went. Her mom didn't ask then but about a week later she stopped by and asked if i could remember anything, What is wrong with this woman?" "Why do you ask that?" "Her kid just died and she wants the gruesome details i think she needs time to grieve first and then if she can handle that maybe i could understand telling her."

                                "Right so what happened before the accident?" "We went to see a local band at Maximum Capacity." "That's a bar..." "So?" "How old are you again?" "Seventeen." "So you can't drink how did you get in?" "It was Alyssa, she flirted with the guy at the door, so he let us in, we went to see one of our favorite local bands since we got in the door they didn't card us for alcohol. So we just kept drinking." "Ah, and then you tried to leave." "Yeah after the band had finished it was late so we decided to leave. I feel like such an idiot. But we were both so drunk so the fact that driving while drunk would be stupid apparently didn't occur to either of us. So we left. The guy at the door asked if we had a ride. I told him yes then we left. That's really all i can remember."

                             "Who was driving?" "Well they said when they pulled our bodies out i was in the drivers seat." "And Alyssa?" "Dead upon impact." I started to tear up at this. I'm really not an emotional guy but i miss her. "How do you know this?" "When i was in the hospital i asked. They said that we had been hit on the passenger side and shoved over the side walk into a light post. Its not fair you know. She's dead and all i walk away with is a couple of scratches and this stupid cast."

                              "I understand. Why do you think you can't remember?" "Oh i don't know maybe because of all the stuff i drank before i got into my car! Or maybe because it's a painful memory and my brain is just blocking it out." I said this as if she should know.

                             Ms. Dryer was the name of my physiologist. Yes like a thing you put your clothes in to dry them. She was an older lady with grey hair and tortoise shell glasses that hang on a chain. She is always taking them off and putting them back on. She has a love for knitting or she just loves sweaters i'm not sure. But every time I've come here shes had one on. Her desk is huge and covered with pictures of i assume her family. She has a big brown leather chair that she always wheels around so she can face me on the couch. Yeah she actually has a couch in here i don't make this stuff up. Its a brown couch and its soft enough. I don't actually lay on it. I find people who do that strange you're not here to nap.

                             I uncrossed my arms and put them by my sides. The clock on the desk went off signaling time was up. "Well we'll pick up where we left off next week, we made great progress today i'm so proud of you." "Oh yeah i would be to i mean all i did was kill a person." "Right, well i'll see you next week." "See ya." I grumbled. I grabbed my crutches next to me and stood up. She ran over to get the door to her office. Then she followed me out to the front door.

                            There was a man yelling at somebody on the phone when i got outside. "Herald, i'll be in there in five." "Oh oh right i'm sorry, i will explain what my mother did now!" He turned to me. "Hey YOU still live at home, don't judge me." "Yeah i'm seventeen dude, your like what forty?" "37." he huffed and opened the door to the building. It slammed shut just as my mom pulled up to the curb.

                           She got out and ran over to me. "Chase are you OK sweetie?" "Mom i'm fine." "How's your leg is it OK?" "Yes it was only a thirty second walk." I huffed. She opened the door to the explorer and i climbed in. She drove home. "So what did ya'll talk about?" "Mom that's kind of personal." I told her getting annoyed. why is everybody so dang nosy all the stinken time? "OK well if you want to talk i'd be more then happy to listen. Oh Shelby called i told her you would call her back." "You shouldn't have." "Chase its been two months..." "Don't tell me that i know how long its been do you and dad, i'm not a little kid!" She turned into our drive way.

                          My mom didn't say anything but i could tell by the look on her face my words hurt. I opened the door and hobbled up the walk. She opened the door to the house and held it open for me. "Thank you." I said. I went to my room and pulled out my home work. My mom knocked on my door. She came in with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk. She sat them on my night stand and sat down next to me. She pushed her sandy brown curly hair over her shoulder.

                          I got my moms hair color but the straightness from dad. Both my parents have blue eyes as do i. My mom was still in her scrubs. She is a nurse, so she got to look in on me while i was at the hospital. "Your dad's working late figured you might like a snack." "Thanks i said taking a cookie." "Look your dad and i do trust you, but after everything that's happened it's hard. And it shouldn't be your a good kid, and you've adjusted well." "I've been trying." She held a finger up. "But if you do anything to make me lose my trust in you, your gonna get it." She said. She smiled but i knew she meant it.

                        "Thanks mom." I leaned over and hugged her. "I'll come get you when dinner's ready." She said. "Thanks mom." I took a sip of milk then finished up my homework. I was about to turn my play station on when my dad stuck his head in. "Hey son, dinners ready."He said nodding his head towards the kitchen. I sat the controller down. My dad helped me up. I nodded thanks. We went to the kitchen and sat down.

                       My dad prayed. "So how was school today?" My dad asked me. "Fine." I said taking a bite of my green beans. He turned to my mom. "How was work?" "Busy, i'm surprised i haven't gotten sick yet." "I'm sure you will just give it time." He said patting her hand. "Funny, how was work for you?" "Good i have three deals in the works." My dad was a car sales man. I scooped another spoon full of mash potatoes on my plate. When i was finished with my dinner, i got up and rinsed my plate and put it in the sink.

                  "Dish washer." My mom said coming up behind me. After the accident i was grounded for a whole entire month! I drove drunk, wrecked my car and killed a person. My mom kept saying that i was lucky they didn't put me into jail. Although i'm sure if Alyssa's mom wanted to press charges they would do a whole investigation and try to get me for manslaughter. I stuck my dish in the dishwasher and went to my room. I cut my game on and played for about thirty minutes.

                   My mom came in. "Phone." "Who is it?" I asked briefly looking up from my game. "Shelby." She said holding her hand over the mouth piece. "Tell her i'm in the shower." I said. "Shelby, i'm sorry sweetie he is in the shower, i didn't know. Sure thing, OK, i will." She clicked the phone off. "If your not going to talk to her maybe you should break up with her." I glared at my mom. She put her hands up and backed away. She shut the door.

                    I put the controller down and stared at the red walls of my room. I know what your thinking: I'm a jerk. Well maybe i am, i don't know. I mean i like Shelby and all, shes pretty, nice and sweet. But she keeps asking me to tell her things that i just can't. Because A. If she found out what a bad person i was maybe she'd dump me. And who knows maybe she should she's to good for me anyways. And B. I don't remember everything. And C. It hurts to talk about it. I miss Alyssa so much, and talking in therapy is about all i can take. I don't feel like talking to anybody, so she really shouldn't be offended. I picked the remote back and tried to play another level of my game but my eye lids started to droop. So i cut the game off and went to sleep.