It was a quiet, rainy day in the Wastes; the clouds were so thick, you couldn't even see the sky. Perfect weather for a lost spirit like me.

I scanned the horizon, looking for Howl's castle, but it was the sound that I noticed first. The castle must have been somewhere beyond a hill, but I could hear it coming towards me. All I needed to do now was wait.

And wait I did. There was nothing else for me to do, after all. Maybe if I found Howl and made him explain himself, I would finally be able to rest.

I wasn't sure how much time passed. All I knew was that eventually, the castle came into view, and I rose to meet it.

It was just as I remembered, almost eerily so. I lingered on the steps for a while, hanging onto the railing and taking everything in. Tears welled in my eyes and burned my cheeks. How long had it been since I'd seen this place...?

Eventually, I gathered myself and stepped inside. I nearly burst into tears again when I saw the interior. Everything was just as I remembered: messy and chaotic, but warm and cozy. It hurt.

Apparently it was the middle of the night, because Calcifer was asleep. I didn't bother to question how he kept the castle moving in his sleep. I just glided over to the fireplace and sat in front of it, warming my immaterial hands over the flames.

After a few minutes, Calcifer opened his eyes. He jumped away from me. "AAH- Who are you?! Why are you in here?"

I shifted my gaze down to my lap, trying not to look too disappointed. Howl had told me what would happen, and yet it still hurt. "...No one," I said after a moment. "Just a lost spirit."

He huffed, leaning towards me again. "Well, go be lost somewhere else."

I looked up at him again. I wondered if he could even see my face, or if the curse had taken that away, too. "I was hoping you would remember me."

Calcifer went still. "Wh... Why would I-"

"I'm cursed," I told him flatly. "Once, I lived here too. You and Howl were my best friends. But something..." My voice trailed off. "Howl cursed me. I don't know what he did to me, exactly, but that doesn't matter. I'm going to ask him why," I finished, determined.

"I have to wonder that as well," a voice said behind me as Howl descended the stairs. "That's quite the curse I put on you. Should I even let you stay here?"

I didn't move. I had been expecting him, and yet I still needed a moment to prepare myself.

"That's what I'm asking," Calcifer piped up. "I was just about to kick this lost spirit ou-"

"No, you weren't," Howl said crossly.

"It was a misunderstanding," I muttered. Instantly, I felt the weight of his gaze on my back, but I continued, "From a very long time ago. Or at least, that's what you told me." I could tell Howl was skeptical, but he didn't interrupt my story.

"I was a lost spirit back then, just as I am now. I had... already been cursed when I found this castle. For a while, I stayed in the shadows, too scared to come out. Eventually Calcifer pulled me into this room and struck a deal with me: If I could break his curse, he would break mine."

Calcifer made an indignant noise, probably offended that I would even suggest such a thing. I ignored him.

"I agreed. I had been a... powerful user of magic before my curse, so I was sure I could find a way. But I didn't really understand the nature of his curse or his relationship with you; I ended up hurting both him and you in the process."

"That was years before you cursed me, though. I had done my best to make things right, and I thought both of you had forgiven me." Now I turned around, looking him in the eyes. "One day, you brought me to a beautiful field full of flowers. You asked me if I thought murder was justifiable, and when I said no, you cursed me. I don't know what you did or how to fix it. I'm not even sure why," I finished, my voice wavering.

Howl's expression was unreadable, while Calcifer had shrunk down a bit, clearly uncomfortable. "Are you sure I was asking about that mistake?" Howl asked.

My shoulders slumped, and I sighed. "No, but it's the only thing I can think of," I admitted quietly. "I've been very careful not to hurt you or Calcifer since then. Or anyone else, for that matter."

Howl scanned me, probably taking in the intricate tapestry of curses that had been laid on me. "I'm sorry," he said after a moment.

I wondered if I had misheard him. "Come again?"

"I'm sorry," he repeated more firmly. "You didn't deserve what I did to you, but I can't fix it."

I dropped my head into my hands, letting myself cry once again. Howl stepped over to me, but I waved him off. Taking a moment to collect myself, I told him, "If you're truly apologizing, you're nothing like the man who did this to me."

For once, I truly believed what I said. I'd come to learn that Howl and Calcifer had that effect on me. I didn't want to lie to them, and so I didn't.

It was nice.

A/N: I'm not super happy with this, but eh. I got the idea out on paper. Also, Howl is probably OOC. If anyone asks, it's because it's an AU!