Konoha. Spring of 2018.

1.

The glimmer of dawn seeps through the window and lands on my partner’s pale face and muscular arms as they seek me out. I turn my back in a vain attempt to get back to sleep, but these tormenting thoughts don’t go away. Often, I wonder if our life wouldn’t have been better if we’ve never got married. Often, I wonder … then, I chase away these questions.

The morning approaches and I don’t know what to do today. Once I was a court prosecutor; now I’m nothing but a submissive wife to some people. It’s a prejudice that I won’t strive to change in their minds. Not because it’s the truth… Sasuke cherishes me, respects me, and his presence by my side—though he’s very quiet—makes me feel safe. Yet because, for some reason, I’m not content with our union.

I happen to think that I’d be happier if I had a child. We’ve been trying for almost a year now, but to no avail. The doctors haven’t pinpointed a cause for our infertility. Clearly, they don’t intend to bother themselves to, they prefer artificial methods. Sasuke doesn’t seem to mind and that annoys me, because I want this child! I need it to breathe.

I leave my bed for the balcony. A cold breeze ruffles my hair. I stay there, for who knows how long, on my rocking chair, contemplating the pearly sky where a multitude of shades of color blend together. A bit like my fluctuating feelings and moods. When my sun rises, will I find the harmony I’m hoping for? The warmth of a blanket resting on my bare shoulders cuts my train of thought. His lips brush my temple as his husky voice breaks the calm.

“Morning!”

That’s it! I know what to do: I’m going back to painting. It’s been weeks since I’ve last touched a brush, and the art gallery show I’ve been meaning to cancel is coming up.

“It’ll make a great painting, don’t you think?”

“Hum. I believe so.”

I stand up, rest my head on his chest and snuggle up to him, as if to make up for the unfaithful ideas I’ve been harboring all night long. If only we could stay like this forever, perhaps these naughty thoughts would no longer find a place in my mind. Alas, he withdraws as soon as the back of his hand caresses my cheek.

“I gotta get ready for work.”

Stay a little longer … stay today…

I grit my teeth as he slips from my grasp. His coldness irritates me. His calmness annoys me. His dedication to his job disgusts me. His meticulousness and punctuality make me feel so small. The paradise he wants to create for me is my hell. Why can’t I fall in love with him?

The trickle of water from the bathroom blazes my imagination, igniting a fire in my lower belly that reality is quick to extinguish. It’s a scenario that won’t happen, because Sasuke never crosses the boundaries of his comfort zone. Our sex life is so routine, so boring.

2.

“I think it’d do you good to get back to work,” Hanabi grumbles.

“I don’t feel like it,” I answer without looking up from my canvas. I’m tired of making the same arguments over and over again, nobody understands me anyway. I’m sick of meeting people and having to worry about their problems. My own are fair enough…

“I’m sure Sasuke feels the same way. You need to keep busy, staying at home all day ain’t good for your health, you…”

“Sasuke! Sasuke! Sasuke!” I yell, mixing red and yellow. “Stop treating me like a kid! I’m 31, mind you. Would you show me some respect, please?”

She throws a half-opened pack of cigarettes in my face. A pack I’ve refrained from smoking for weeks, taking care to hide it in a corner of my workshop. If I’d waited this long, it’s because the right moment hadn’t yet arrived. The moment of my worst anxiety attack.

“Are you going through my stuff now?”

“I ain’t… I’m just,” she stammers. “Why can’t you ever see the bright side? You’re not being honest with yourself. We’re worried about you because we love you, we don’t wanna lose you…”

“Because a cigarette is gonna kill me, right?”

“You know exactly what I mean.” She glares at me with crossed arms.

I drink my glass of wine in one gulp. Yeah, I do. My suicide attempt five years ago … back when my ex-boyfriend ditched me and my mother died in a car accident.

I’ve never seen Sasuke as depressed as the day I opened my eyes in the hospital. His handsome face looked like a vampire’s, pale skin, dark bloodshot eyes, livid lips, disheveled and sweaty ebony hair. Hanabi stood firm, “You selfish bitch!” she spat in my face. Holy little sister.

When I decided to kill myself that day, I believed there was nothing left to tie me to existence. And yet, I continued to survive. For them. When I was still working, it was for justice. When I agreed to marry Sasuke, it was for his happiness. When I dreamed of having a child, I desperately sought a reason that would keep me alive. Yet justice doesn’t need me to be established, and Sasuke would probably be better off without me. Life doesn’t want me; she doesn’t see me worthy of carrying a life. I died a long time ago.

Poor Hinata. Did you really believe their existence would end with your departure?

I think they’re selfish to wish for having me in their lives. A life in which I’m not much use, except as a heavy burden… They should’ve let me go in peace. They’d be sad for a day, a week, a month at most … and they’d end up forgetting me.

“When’s your art gallery show, by the way?” she asks. Getting no answer, she snatches the wine bottle from my hand.

I let out a desperate sigh. “In May…”

I glance at the clock, four thirty. Sasuke should be home soon. I leave my half-finished painting and head for the shower with lethargic steps. I brush my teeth three times, then let my peach-scented bath welcome me.

After yet another bout of alcohol poisoning, I promised Sasuke I’d quit smoking and drinking … and adopt a healthier lifestyle, where I’d no longer be that crazy girl who shames him in front of his parents. I shouldn’t have … withdrawal ain’t easy. It’s pointless to try to explain it to him, he’d never understand how I feel… So, I pretend to hold my promise. Not that I’m not keeping it at all, but there are times when I give in. Like when Hanabi stirs the pot, or when my pregnancy test comes back negative.