My father started to abuse me once my mother died. It was like he broke. What he didn't know was that I did too. It didn't have to end up like this, we both knew that, but it never changed the fact that we couldn't do anything about it.

My mother was a beautiful woman. She literally glistened in the sun and left happiness with every step she took. She was the best mother a girl could have. She was my bestfriend, I could practically tell her everything. I did tell her everything. She never judged. She only listened, and that was the best part about it all. She acted like a mother, but she was more than that. I don't mean to gloritize her, but the woman practically walked on water.

She would probably still be here today if it wasn't for the robbery.

It was a gloomy October night and I was staying the night at a close friends house. My step-father Louie was staying late at work, like always my mother stayed home alone. She was pregnant at the time with what was going to be my little brother, but neither survived. Our house was being robbed and my courageous mother tried to stop it. When Louie got home, he was faced with seeing my mother cold. It was enough to drive anyone mad, and it did.

Forensic investigators said she had been thrown down a flight of stairs and then shot in the head not once but three times. They found fragments of three different bullets lodged into her cerebellum. She was rushed to the hospital to see if they could save the baby, but unfortunately he was lost before she died on the impact from plummeting down the stairs.

I always wished I would have stayed home that night to keep her company like she asked. Maybe if I was there I could have protected her and changed the outcome of the tragedy. But, I wasn't there and I cant turn back time to fix it now.

I think my step-father took it tremendously harder. He lost his wife and his unborn son just because he didn't come home on time.

So, here we are today. Everyday is filled with despair, it is like there is no light to cascade down on us. Louie has became a raging alcoholic. When he is drunk he becomes an angry man. He's abusive in the worst kind of ways. He yells and breaks things, but that's not the worst.

He brings home strange women late at night. He has been fired from his job at the law firm because he stopped showing up and when he did make an appearance he reaked of alcohol and walked around barefoot. I don't blame his employer for letting him go, it was unprofessional to say the least.

He beats me when I plead him to change his ways. He beats me when he doesn't get his way.

Sometimes, late at night he comes into my room. He whispers in my ear that he loves me and plays with my hair. The first time this happened I thought he was just showing compassion, sadly I was wrong. He began kissing me down my neck. I didn't know what to do so I did nothing.

When he got on top of me that's when the whole charade changed. He would pin me down, forcing himself on me in a way that I could never want. That night, he stole my virginity. My step-father was my first.

He raped me.

He still rapes me.

I have tried to shove him off me. That's how I ended up in the hospital with two broken ribs. He told me how sorry he was, but something in me felt as if it was a crock of shit.

I know what you are thinking, "why haven't you called the cops or told an authority figure?"

It is easier said than done.

Try accusing your step-father for being your rapist after all the things you have gone through. Especially when he was once a respectable man.

With rape charges they don't automatically believe you. They test you and stuff and it goes to trial it takes months to cocnvict. What if he didn't get convicted? He would probably kill me, literally.

Where's your biological father? He died before I was born. My mom always said he had a honorable death across seas in the military.

So, what is the best way to get out of this situation?

I have thought about suicide, but regardless of how terrible my life is and how close I get, I can never go through with it. I am scared of dying.

I could kill my him. Murder was a thought, but I'd rather kill myself.

I could run away, get the next ticket out of town so that he would never be able to find me. I could start anew, a blank page with a fresh name.

I have came to terms with the pros and cons of each one and I liked the idea of just disappearing. No harm, no foul. It is my best bet. The best option for me. I was tired of living like this. I didn't deserve this. Or maybe I did?

All I know is I can't handle another night him creeping into my room and plowing his problems into me.

I tried to justify his actions at first.

Maybe he just really misses mom so he looks for her in me? Maybe he just cares. I tried to blame myself for it. I must have did something to deserve this kind of torment and pain. If I would have been there that night, none of this would be happening.

Then after a long hard thought, I realized there was no excuse for rape especially from your father. I needed to get out and now. A seventeen year old should never have to deal with this.

The chains on my wrists were hypothetical but they clung to me. I wanted nothing other to not play the damsel in distress. I needed to become my own super hero, my own Prince Charming. It was time to break free from these invisible shackles containing me.

He was not going to be able to touch me ever again.