The sound of her shuffling feet while she paced a trench into her living room was the only one Jo had heard for an hour. She had called Audrey to babysit because she was not sure how this was going to go.

If, while she was breaking up with Harry, he got emotional, there may be yelling. She didn't want Zoe near that at all. Jo expected that would be the end of it. A little voice in the back of her head said you never knew though.

Ethan's dad had hit her, once, the day she ended things for good. It was a good smack. It had shocked her and in some ways put such a bookend on the relationship she sometimes felt like it hurt less than Colin's indifference.

Harry, well, she wasn't sure about him. He was the tenderest of the lovers she had had. She could admit that that's what this was. To herself at least. To tell him that she had come to this place, that they were a whole lot more than she expected, maybe love, seemed like an unkindness now. Now that it was over. Had to be over, right?

But you never knew, rejected men were tricky. and this was the most passionate affair she'd ever had. The way they were pulled to each other. The way he knew her and tried to know her better and felt her made her think that it could be explosive. She was hoping they only had that energy on canvas, and the mattress. That the TNT they brought out in each other was limited to those spaces and that she had no reason to fear him. That he respected her enough to follow her wishes. No, wish was the wrong word. She did not want this, to do this. If the weekend and the way she missed him, an ache even in the arches of her feet, had taught her anything, it was that she wanted him.

Jo wanted him more than anything in her life already.

But she did not love him more than anything else. And those first in her heart were in the blast zone right now. Their inability to keep away from each other could not steal the food from her children's mouths.

They had to be over.

She would ask him to transfer out of her class. Jo would have to. She could not see his face everyday, not if she couldn't touch it.  He still had a few weeks to work it out and his adviser ship.

God, she didn't know.

She felt greedy of his progress. Jo did not want to share him or his work, the beauty and growth, with anybody else. Not so intimately, where he would feverishly text her pictures late at night. She had got one just a bit ago, she expected why he was not with her already, it was of her, well Bathsheba, with her face. It wasn't so obvious his advanced technique teacher would notice. But she could see her the upturn of her nose and the apple of her cheek. It was excellent, not as good as the pieces he had total dominion over, but still good.

It made her cry, because it was shocking, and it stung like that time that she has stepped on an urchin in the sea. The pain was long lingering and persistent. It ached after too, like this did. What a pity she had just recognized the depth of her feelings only to know she had to sacrifice them. Sacrifice them, her version of first fruits, to her own creations.

She did not want to.

God, he made her so selfish. Jo didn't deserve to watch him grow anyway. She'd crossed so many lines. It would be best for both of them if she released him. His art was worth more than her covetness and her job was worth her self control.

Her son was worth even more. And truth will out. Ethan would know if they continued. She could see that now, or was in fear of it.

Harry might make her feel like she was made of solid gold, but if she lost her job she might have to sell herself to feed her kids and that was unacceptable. The carpet under her feet was not getting worn, but she imagined it could be. What was she doing? They hadn't made a commitment, not explicitly. Jo could just ghost him.

Her laugh was tinny in the cold room. Yeah, Harry would never let her get away with that. He would be at her doorstep waiting to hash it out, and she had to be a big girl and tell him it was over and ask him to respect her wishes and transfer out of her class. She'd have to do it when he came to confront her anyway, if she left him on read. Jo might as well do it tonight.

That brought a fresh wave of tears.

If he had the feelings for her that he claimed he did, he'd listen. He said he loved Ethan a few days ago, they had to stop before they went too far. Right now they could just call it an eye opener. They had both found something through each other. It reflected in their work and Jo knew what she was capable of emotionally and physically in a new way and whereas it may have been frightening before, it was now amazing. Maybe it was still early enough days to get out without deep pain, and take some beautiful things with them.

Her phone went and said, "sorry babe, got caught up painting, and then had a bad stomach. Almost there, xoxo." And she held the phone to her heart. He was unwell? And still coming to her?

Who was she kidding, the best she could hope was that she was able to spare him. That his feelings were not as deep as hers. He was young, he had lots of loves to have. She swallowed down that jagged edge. It was completely unrealistic to be jealous of the others that would come behind her. Stupid even. There would be others, as she had forerunners too. That was what she wanted for him-a lifetime of love. She admitted to herself she wanted it to be hers, in her dreams. Her chest ached and she tried to shake it off. It wouldn't be her first heartache. Jo had healed before, she figured she would again.

Jo needed to spare him, now, get out, even if it had to be painful for the short time. They were gonna lose. Better to lose before they went all in.

She was wiping her tears as hard as she could before he got there. If he walked into her crying he'd go soft on her. Then she'd go like the ice cream Zoe always tried to save for later. What a metaphor that was. That was what they were, a frozen treat, a sweet creamy confection not meant for much time in the open air, but delicious to consume.

Jo heard the sound of Harry's quick rap at the door and heard the latch and the hinge squeak. She focused on her hands, she wasn't ready to see him yet. How red were her eyes? She had no way of knowing, and there was still pressure behind them, so she'd face away while she could.

Since she was relying on sound for info, she was surprised he didn't call out, her name or one of the pet ones he'd fallen into with ease, the way a skateboarder learns to go down soft, his steps were even light, and when his arms circled her she might have been wholly unprepared except the rustle of his cotton the shirt and rub of his jeans. He made an x across her body and she leaned into him, notching into the place she had found that fit her like the pair of jeans you buy multiples of. His hand reached up to her ear and he attempted to pluck something out.

"Oh, I figured you were listening to your next lecture or something, you were so still." He brought his open hand around her shoulder and it covered a large portion of her deltoid, the other hand gripped her ribs and she released the breath she had been struggling to hold. It felt so good when he surrounded her. "What're you doing, lover?" He said in her ear.

Lover.

She sucked in a breath and pushed the sob rising like a bubble from a scuba divers tank down hard. Jo had lived through way more painful things than a pseudo break up of a three week old "relationship".

"Nothing, waiting for you. We need to talk." She turned and didn't sit, she didn't want anybody to get comfortable.

Harry narrowed his eyes with a quick shake and brought his hand up to the butterfly covered by his Tori Amos T-shirt. "About what?"

Jo had expected him to be cheeky or flippant, that would make it easier. He was instead a sailboat waiting for a fair wind, or a storm. His face said storm.

"I can't do this anymore," she sucked in a big breath and did this like you ripped off a wax strip. "It's unethical, and immoral, you're too young for me, and too immature, and as lovely as you are and as much as I enjoy sleeping with you I can't put my kids and my job at risk for you—"

"What are you talking about? We just dealt with all this," he looked bewildered, his eyes narrowed over incomplete clues. "and the weekend Jo, if you felt like this, why did, why did," He breathed very loud. "you let me stay with you? You just enjoy showing me what I can't have?" He was getting a bit of wind in his sails by the last sentence, but his eyes weren't glowing. Jo needed to be meaner.

"You just wouldn't leave and I was supposed to turn down all the pussyeating you beg to do like a thirsty dog?"

"What?" He hunched his shoulders in on himself like a chastised child.

"Listen, it was easier to take what you were giving, we have established I like your dick, than it was to have this conversation, but after you were so irresponsible today and showed up in my class and invaded my offic—"

"I didn't invade your office, I told you I was coming." He pleaded. "And you looked like you were excited to see me in class. I could see it all over you, how much you wanted to see me."

"I'm always excited about the first day of classes, had nothing to do with you." She shrugged her shoulder. And she wasn't entirely lying, she did like the first day of school, had all of her life. But.

"What happened?" He stared at her with intense interest, she was a face Sherlock Holmes needed to decipher.

"I just realized how stupid I was to do this for sex, it's beneath me-" She saw him wince, but he still interrupted her.

"Stop it, stop right now. Stop belittling me, and us, you're lying and being mean. I know what it means when we make love with one another. So do you!" His shoulders had straightened by the end of it, and he was pointing.

"Make love? You delusional Harry? We fuck." God that even hurt her. That lie went down her gullet like broken glass.

Harry sat on her couch then with a whoosh of the air he let go, like when a balloon slips from your fingers and gets pushed away by the air it releases. And he still wasn't mad. He looked bereft.

"What happened? You were so happy when I came to see you, you didn't even sigh like you do when you are dissatisfied, but want somebody to notice without you telling them." He rubbed a hand over his weary face.

What was that, how the hell did he know about that? Her mother did that. Did she?

"Nothing, I just had time away to think far enough from the cloud of orgasmic haze to examine what I'm doing. I'm sorry I let it go on so long. The weekend did the trick, got it out of my system. But if you respect me I'm gonna need you to do a few things for me. First, I need you to transfer out of my class."

"Jo, stop."

"Second, you need to give me what professor you want to replace me as your advisor and we should decide—"

"No, Jo, listen to me." He stood up and started toward her.

Jo backed up and kept talking. "Finally, you need to stay away from me, and my family, you'll have to meet up with Ethan at yours or the pub."

"Jo, I'm not going away, can you let me speak?" He reached out for her and she braced her palms in the air to keep him at literal arms length.

"You don't need to speak, I'm telling you what I need from you to make this a clean break—"

"A clean break, Jo!? There is nothing clean about this break," and then Jo noticed he had tears in his eyes. It made her own resurface. She needed to be brutal to push them down.

"I'm sorry if I've hurt your feelin—"

"My feelings! Jo!" His eyes were bright red and his irises were the color of glow sticks in Ibiza, but he still wasn't mad, the color was enhanced by the contrast and the wetness coating them. A tear spilled over one waterline, and then the next. "I'm in love with you! My feelings! Those are my fucking feelings!"

"Harry," her voice caught then, fuck, him too, no, this was a messy, shitty break. Jo knew she had to power through this, but, but, "Harry, you don't love me!"

"What? How would you know? I've loved you for years, because of what you gave me, a life passion." His voice as croaky, "but it's different now, like you said. I said I'm in love with you! And you are with me, I can feel it every time you look at me." Jo looked at his heaving chest. "Every time you touch me." At that he caught both of her hands and pulled her to him.

Her palms hit his chest and it was what it always was, not a lightening bolt, but the closing of a circuit, a feeling of completion she'd never conceived. Her elbows bent and her nails dug in. Jo shook her head though, she was not ready to fold, though her resolve resembled the fitted sheet she watched that tutorial on. "Harry, I don't, I shouldn't " she couldn't even say she didn't love him out loud. So she switched to him. "you don't—" But that lie wouldn't come out either so she tried to push him away from her. Maybe if he wasn't touching her. "This is too much, it's too complicated. I don't, I don't..."

He pulled her in to him again. Her resolve melted. "Jo stop denying this," He held her while she let out a sob. "I can see you've been crying. I could feel you were upset." She felt him shake his head against hers. "Why are you so damn stubborn, you know I see through all your shit." He pulled her back to force eye contact. "And I'm still here...let me be fucking here".

"You can't, you don't love me?" She begged. Goddamnit what had they gotten themselves into.

"I do, and you don't have to admit it yet." He placed his hands over hers and held tight. "But, Jo" he choked and she just couldn't keep this up if he sounded like that. "Can I hold you." He swallowed. "I'm not, I can't. I can't even speak."

And Jo felt herself nod rather than consciously deciding to do it.

Harry smoothed her hands up over his shoulders and then he banded his arms around her and squished his face into her neck. She felt him exhale hard, through his nose, and it might have helped him control his emotion, but it released hers.

"I'm scared I'm going to lose my job because I can't stop myself from wanting you. Can't control myself." She sobbed. "How do I explain our financial ruin to my kids based on that?"

"Jo, can you please tell me what happened between when I left you and you trying to rip out my heart and stomp it into your living area rug? Why are you so terrified right now?" He smoothed a hand over her hair. Jo pulled back to look at him and had to just shake her head.

And to kiss him, she needed to light up the board by plugging into him. She pressed her mouth to his desperately. Her teeth cracked into his with all the finesse she was exhibiting. And her mouth slanted and her took her all in and gave her dominion. Jo ran the kiss, and it was the first move she had tried to make since he arrived that he did not resist.

Jo found herself pushing him towards her bed room without thinking about it. But Harry began resisting again."No, please, I want you." She had no trouble communicating with him when they were joined, it was more like communion, and they became bigger than either of them when they were one. Jo needed to feel that.

"I know, and I want you, always. But, I need to know what happened." Harry held her and locked eyes with her and her hazel eyes, more brown than anything, shown amber through her tears.

"I, Harry, we weren't careful." She hiccuped. "I think Professor McStruppins suspects us."

"Why?" He cast his eyes around trying to remember.

"When you left my office, she saw me, watching you, and gave me this look. I think she heard the tussle against the door. Maybe us laughing, giggling, like idiots, children." Jo could feel her ire, at herself, coming up. He was gonna leave, without a kiss, and she chased him down. What was wrong with her?

"Did she ask you, flat out?"

"No, but, she knew!" Jo's voice went high and quiet there.

"No, she knows nothing, can prove nothing, I fell into the door, and you laughed because I'm so clumsy. Which she knows, I spilled her coffee two times—"

"But the hallway—"

"What of it? So you watched me? Maybe you were thinking about my latest painting, or even my ass, it proves no impropriety." He put the blade of his hand into his other palm.

"But we were being improper!" She reminded.

"I know, you know, she doesn't. Jo—"

"We can't do this Harry." She lay her head down in defeat.

"Jo, we just need some boundaries, like no kissing in your office. And maybe I should transfer out of your class. It might be easier." He sighed.

Jo looked at him then, "It will be easier, but I'll miss you. You're right, I like seeing you." She confessed

He touched the end of her nose, "That I know!" He bopped her and then kissed it.

"We need a plan."

"You need a different class, first." She said.

"And second, no fooling around in your office, or anywhere on campus." Harry nodded. "Can we lay down, proposed heartbreaks are exhausting!" He said while laying a hand across his forehead.

Jo giggled, even though she was doing the proposing and was still sniffling. But she led them to her bedroom and arranged them.

Jo was sitting against the headboard and Harry had his head in her lap. Jo found herself taking her hands through his hairs. He curled like a satisfied kitten and she smiled at him there. Even with his reddened eyes."What else, H? What other boundaries should we set out?"

"Well, I'm gonna need you to stop this." He gave her a weary look.

"Stop what?" She stilled her hand in his hair.

"Not that," he put his hand over hers and forced a stroke. "You can't keep running Jo. Every time things get tense, you try to bolt. If you really don't," he bit his lip, "if you really don't want me, I'll go—"

"I want you." She voiced into the air of her bedroom again, but this time, he could hear it. Harry smiled over all his emotion and she felt his shoulders move down into her thighs.

"Ok, then I'm yours, but that means you're mine." The eye contact was tractor beam strong.

"Only not at school." She cautioned.

"Yeah, we need to be mindful at school." Harry nodded. "I think," Jo looked up, she hated this, but needed to say it. "I think we need to only belong to each other in private for a while."

"How long is a while?" He sounded cagey and it was the first time she heard a tinge of anger-red and bright on her voice.

"At least until you're not my student, or advisee. Not at the university." She tilted her head toward the shoulder she was shrugging.

"And after, will we stay a secret?" That question was leaden.

"I dunno? I think we should." She tried to lighten everything with a winged tone.

"For how long Jo?" He sat up.

"Until," she had no answer here, "until the time is right."

"Do you?" Harry held a breath. "Do you want me to talk to Ethan, friend to friend?"

Jo quirked half her face, "Why would you tell my son? Why are we telling him at all?"

Harry was silent for a long time and Jo could feel thick tension in the air, like the humidity last July. It was heavy and wet. "We have to tell him, we should, he deserves to know, we deserve being honest."

"The timings not right." Jo said and Harry nodded , thankfully, and lay back down in her lap.

"In the summer, can we tell my Mum? She asked why I can't stop smiling last night, I stopped there before my place. The only true answer was you." His eyes were less tight when he asked this than about Ethan, but Jo's chest snared like a drum.

"Um....let's wait, see where we are at." she dodged.

"Jo?" He compelled her to make eye contact with him.

"Yes, baby," she conceded just to see his smile.

"I'm going to be right here."