December 2013

Do you ever stop worrying about your kids?

This was the question Jo asked herself as she laid in bed waiting to hear a key in the door. She knew that Ethan had his own place. Lived on his own under his own power for a year and a half. Jo was also under no delusions that he stayed home all the time while he was there, far away from her. So far, he had shown enough responsibility. No calls from the university with issues, she sees the Uber charges when she puts in his monthly play money. Ethan is doing better than she could hope. Jo just didn't know any better when he was at school. He went out and she only knew about it after the fact.

But tonight she was painfully aware that the boys were off to some party at a school friend's house. Ethan had been excited about seeing Alissa again. He'd nudged Harry while he thought Jo was too busy with her hands in soapy water to see his eyebrow raise. Jo wondered who was most excited about Alissa, was she a 'friend' of Harry's or Ethan's? Jo didn't remember her name from their time at college at all. Harry had not looked all that enthused about Alissa, but that could just be boys ribbing each other about not getting past the sniffing butts stage. She didn't imagine eitherof the young men in her kitchen had too much trouble. As long as they were respectful, which Ethan had better be.

If she had ever gotten a call about unsolicited dick pics, she may have wrung his neck. As a single woman, who had tried not a few dating apps and was reasonably attractive, she'd had her own unfortunate incidents. 'Really hot for a mum.' Pfffft, she was lovely full stop thank you very much.  And starting a conversation with, 'how old are you?' Or 'do you trade pics for pics?' was annoyingly common. No, no, nope. Jo had started sending 'I don't send nudes' as her second message before she deleted the apps altogether. This was all before Colin, almost four years ago. She couldn't imagine it had gotten any better. It had caused her to go on some rants. She was fairly sure that Harry had been there when she'd lectured Ethan on consent and the reality that dicks out of context are not sexy and do not in fact cause panties to drop.

"You have to engage her mind before you can expect her to be interested in that part of your body, Ethan!" Her son had just rolled his eyes. His sexual education had been an ongoing talk that started with anatomy at about 7, then covered feelings when he hit puberty, and focused on pleasure and how it and emotion intersected when he was old enough to process all of that. Boundaries and consent and how to act after a hook-up (not nonchalantly but honestly) were also covered. She'd foregone the talk tonight. She just hoped she had done her job well enough by now.  But Jo was sure she had not covered every temptation ever. She tried to keep up, and keep current, but she really didn't know what it was like to be so young and have so much information at your fingertips. Maybe they needed to have another talk about how porn sex was not like real sex, mostly not even good sex.

She's been worrying about tonight since they showed up at the house . Her boy and his best friend. Best looking friend. Every time she saw Harry, he was getting more like a fever dream. Or maybe she was just aware of him in a new way. He'd been a sweet kid for so long, but that unbuttoned purple plaid he strolled in with showed way too much ink for her comfort. Maybe she should have a talk with herself about temptation.

Ethan and Harry had come in together around noon, two days before Christmas, and did that thing that teenagers and very new twenty somethings apparently still did:disappeared into a room and didn't surface until food was offered.

Zoe had asked for 'boys' multiple times before Jo gave in and sent her to the top of the stairs to knock.

There was a bang and shuffling and laughter before they opened the door and Jo wondered if they were smoking in there. She'd have to talk to Ethan about that too, more temptation. I mean, if they came down red eyed she'd let it pass, they weren't driving. If his pupils were blown out, that would be a different story. When he started going out, he'd gotten the standard safety discussion about drugs. Party drugs especially. But the lengthy pause before he answered the door for Zoe indicated there was clean up going on up there.

When her merry band made it to the kitchen finally, they looked fine, maybe a little disheveled but not high or coked out. Harry had a hold of Zoe, who was desperately trying to jump ship to her brothers arms. Ethan would be home longer than he usually was. He had taken several weeks off from his work study gig to spend the whole holiday at home. He was staying through New Years and Jo was floating. From the look of things, so was Zoe. 

"No loyalty at all, this one! I'm supposed to be your favorite Z! Remember, the snake!" And Harry put his first two fingers up like fangs and got her belly where she was cuddled up against Ethan's chest.

"Face it man, I'm more handsome and babies like pretty people." Ethan smacked his lips at Harry and Jo nearly stood up for him, which was a strange reaction, because of course Ethan was the most handsome lad ever, if she did say so herself.

But Harry was pretty, too.

"Nah, it's nowt to do with that. It's because she knows you have those candies in your pockets, E!" Harry complained- striking Ethan's shoulder with his finger fangs. "Which you stole, might I add."

"Ow! Jeezus!"

"Language!" Jo sounded-semi playfully, she knew they were watching the f-bombs for her sake.

"Sorry mum!" He looked at her still rubbing his shoulder and pouting. "Are you poking Zoe that hard?" He flicked Harry's shoulder. "Cuz, I'll tell you right now, if you are, that's why she wants me. Or, maybe cuz I'm her brother. Right bub!" He redirected to his sister, making faces while she laughed. "And it's not stealing when it falls out of the pocket of one of the two bloody plaid shirts you are wearing."

Jo looked at Harry then and realized he was indeed wearing a purple plaid over a red and black print. "Why are you wearing two button ups?"

Harry rolled his eyes and Ethan burst out laughing. "You'll love this infallible reasoning mum!"

Harry huffed in annoyance. "Listen! I need to do laundry and I left my good coat at the dorms. It's chilly, I needed warm layers, and I wasn't sure which one to wear. Wore em both, didn't I, to ask this dipshit," he pointed at Ethan and then caught Zoe snuggled up and said, "sorry," in Zoe's direction until she grabbed his finger. "Which would be better for the party."

"I tried to tell him that no one cares, especially not Lucy, who he's been trying it on with since college." Ethan looked at Jo for her to co-sign, but instead she was just confused. Why wouldn't Lucy like Harry. Also, now she was worrying about the party. She'd gone to the pub for his 18th, why was this so worrisome? At least he'd be coming home to her. Unlike however he stumbled home when he was away. She could supervise him post consumption and see if he was still in the get as drunk as possible phase, or if he had moved on to a more moderate pattern.

Jo decided to fish a little while the boys were bantering,  Harry insisting he wasn't trying to look any way for Lucy and Ethan telling him he was gonna seal the deal.

"Where is the party?" She started, then backtracked. "Seal the deal? She's a woman not a contract, so help me Ethan, this isn't a contest!" Jo was more upsetthan she expected about this.

"Sorry, mum! It's just how guys talk!" Ethan gave her a patented forgive me/I'm cute grin.

Jo stopped herself from mentioning that Harry wasn't objectifying the girl at all. "Listen, talk to the lady if you like her, even just the look, but don't do it to best your friend. It's cruel." She looked at both boys, though she was admonitioning her own. "Now, where's the party and are you coming back here after? Do you have your keys?" He'd had to fish out her back up set, had woke her up when he arrived late after a shift first night. But, it had been lovely. She'd made him a plate and tea and he'd told her about his shift before they had turned in.

"Party is at Alissa's!" At this Harry raised his eyebrows at Ethan quickly. "And I think the plan is to come back here. My sister is in too, so my house is a little crowded."

"Sure your mum is loving it!" Jo said wistfully. An empty nest sounded like a dream and a tomb. When she wasn't sleeping she wished for Zoe to grow up, but then she thought of Ethan and held her tighter, even at 3 am.

Harry smiled at Jo and she couldn't fathom Lucy's indifference. "What's your food situation?" She got up to the fridge. "I can put something quick on. Tacos?" She had the things for that. Ethan had been raving about some Mexican one day and she had been amazed by the simplicity. It was an easy go to when he was home.

Ethan's tummy growled and she did an internal cheer.

The boys were digging in 20 minutes later when Jo took Zoe upstairs to bathe and nurse her to sleep. She had dropped down to nursing only the once a day and had decided to relish it. She had only eked out six months of breastfeeding with Ethan, and had been thankful for every minute of it, but she was going to do her best to hold on to this precious time with Zoe. It was one of the few times that her little girl was still and Jo was just able to stare at her. Her little blue eyes were blinking more frequently and there were long pauses between dreamland and eye contact with her mom. Jo found herself singing 'I want to hold your hand' softly and looking at the tiny fingernails. Miracles abounded.

A soft knock at the door caused Jo to look up and Ethan padded in on his tippy toes. "Hey mum," he smiled down at Zoe, whose eyes seemed to have closed for good and caressed her cheek. "I missed a lot."

"You're supposed to. You are away." Jo nodded. She doubted he'd come up to watch his sister sleep or because he was feeling guilty.

"Harry and I are gonna go get a few pre drinks at the pub. Not sure when we will be back." He gave her a significant look. "Don't wait up."

Jo bit her lip and nodded.

"Mum," he whined just a little and it went against his next line. "I'm a grown man. I promise I can take care of myself."

Jo slipped to the edge of her chair and planted her feet softly on the carpet before shifting around Ethan and laying Zoe down softly in her bed. She knew that, but bigger babies, bigger worries. Jo turned around and led him out the nursery and down to the foot of the stairs where she hugged him. When she pulled back, she decided not to lecture him, though she wanted to mention more about women, or drugs, or not getting in cars. Instead, she said, "Have fun. See you in the morning." Harry was over Ethan's shoulder watching them with a gleam in his eyes. She hoped she hadn't given him too much reason to tease Ethan, but she couldn't imagine there was much fodder in her single sentence.

Jo walked to Harry and tipped up to him and hugged him too. "Take care of my boy," she said by his ear and felt rather than saw him nod. Harry held her fast and she had to pull away first.

"I'm gonna-" and she pointed to her studio. Ethan nodded and Harry's chin came up and his eyes gleamed. He looked ready to follow her in there rather than go with Ethan to a party. She smiled to herself. He must still be painting, Jo was curious to see how he'd improved. It had been amazing once he put brush to canvas.

She'd missed Thursdays a lot when she started at the university. Until she fell for Colin, then she just focused on him, and then the wedding and pregnancy. She wondered how her protege was progressing.

Jo smiled at him and shook her head. "Another time, we can paint?" She suggested and he nodded before grabbing Ethan about the shoulders.

Jo was thinking about sunlight and how much white it requires to get the rays just right. If the white was milky, had a translucence, it was more useful, but a thin milky white, hard to get. She found herself painting a shape that suggested a box. Within it a yellow resembling, nearing her idea of morning light. The opening of the day, the opening of the world. 

Jo was in her studio, with the door closed, a bottle of wine, the baby monitor, and her current painting playlist. She was wondering if there would be a revealer, her very own Pandora, introducing day to the world, or if the escape of the light was inevitable and didn't need a catalyst, when she picked up her bottle and brought it to her mouth and realized it was empty. Jo checked the clock then and looked at the monitor. Zoe didn't nurse at night anymore, but Jo was thinking she needed to google how long her milk would be alcoholic before tomorrow evening. She was surprised she had emptied the bottle herself. She must have been engrossed. It had been a while since she'd gotten carried away in her studio. Over a year, oh god, she realized it had been nearly 18 months. Sorry excuse for a painter she was.

She still wasn't happy with that sunrise.

It would have to keep for tonight. Jo needed to sleep. It seemed, as it approached 3 AM, she had waited up for the boys by accident. She was making deals with herself about how if she was ready for bed, had combed her hair out of the bun, was in her sleeping clothes, had washed up and done skin care, and brushed her teeth, she would get in bed. Jo scoffed at herself over her extra long routine. She rarely did more than strip down and pull her hair out. Though, as she approached her 40s and careened into the wall of that decade, she was better abouther skin care and brushing her teeth. Flossing, which she was doing now, was honestly usually only done in the mornings or when a dentist appointment was looming.

She was done, there was nothing else to do. Jo had a moment where she considered making tea, again, but forced herself to pull down the bedding and fold herself in like cream into a mousse. She was warm and safe. Unlike her son, who wasn't in either of his beds. Jo liked it better when he was at school.

She was going to convince him to go to the new year's party that the whole family were invited to. Jo felt like a ninny, but really, her worry was heavy, an armoire pressed up against the door of her mind where sleep was trying to enter.

Jo picked up the book she'd been trying to read for ages. Two chapters later, she was starting to nod off when she heard their loud voices. Ethan fell through the door. Jo could tell from four things: the slip of the door on its hinges, the squishy thud of a body, Harry's explosive laugh-quickly covered, and Ethan's groan.

She was up and out of bed before she could slow herself down. Didn't even pull on her robe. Jo was sure he was ok.  Course he was, he was just drunk.

When she came into the kitchen, to where they were coming in the back door, Harry was extending an arm to help Ethan up, though his other hand was still alternating between his mouth to stifle laughter and his stomach to hold it in. Ethan grabbed his other hand and pulled Harry down to the floor, half way on top of him.

They both raised startled faces when she said, "idiots!" Then they were both giggling and she was too. Jo walked into the kitchen and pulled her son up. Then she stepped up to Harry. She extended her hand and her laughter caught in her throat like a piece of jagged chip when he didn't grab for it at first and she realized his eyes were crawling up her exposed thigh to her high cut cotton shorts. Jo could feel her nipples pebbling and though her mind told her to hunch and cover herself, her shoulders squared as his gaze skidded up and stopped at the midline of her chest. Jo's hand hung out between them. Harry sucked oxygen out of the air and her lungs and his stare dangled between them on her braless breasts.

Jo's chest was heaving and she had just realized that it was in rhythm with Harry's when the fridge slammed.

"Mum!" She shushed him reflexively.

"Zoe's asleep."

"Sorry," now he was stage whispering and Jo pulled her feet from the cement they were in and left Harry to sort himself out. "Will you make me cheese toasties and tea, please?"

Ohhh the lip was out. She was going to say yes before he pulled out the big guns, but that sorted it.

Jo made her way to the box and fridge and grabbed the necessary articles, and got the kettle on. She was just about to tell Ethan to ask Harry if he was hungry when she noticed his head down and his eyes closed. She'd wake him when the tea was done, and go ask Harry herself. 

The bathroom door was closed and she raised her hand to knock. It wasn't latched and the force of her knock pushed it open.

There was Harry. He'd shed one plaid and the other was unbuttoned all the way down. His eyes were closed and his lip was tucked into the white rows of his teeth. Her eyes plummeted down like scales with the weight of her curiosity. There was the large hand she had once shaped around a paint brush gripping a sizable cock head. His pants gaped around the split of his zipper and he extended away from the wiry hair there. His thumb skidded over the tip at the end of each stroke and and they moaned together at the end of the fourth cascade of his foreskin up
Over his glans to meet his caressing thumb. His eyes popped open then. Instead of stopping, covering himself or apologizing, Harry preened under her observation, expanded even. His dick hardened, filling further in his hand, Jo saw it and gasped. She didn't hurry to excuse herself either but stayed to watch him stroke himself.

Harry was emboldened by her gaze. He'd been thinking about her anyways. The way her legs looked, lightly muscled and bare. Her calf was shaped like the sculpture they'd dissected last week in art history and her thigh, god he'd never seen a prettier thigh that close. Her hard nipples did him in. While she was tending to Ethan he pulled himself off the floor and basically ran to the bathroom to get his hand around himself. He hadn't expected an audience, but lord did he love it. Jo was staring down at him and he grunted when he glanced his slit on that stroke.

Jo's eyes jerked up to his and it's then that he came. The feel of her eyes on his was the last bit of sensation he needed.

It felt like when they were in the studio together and she helped him figure out what color to mix.

Jo stumbled away then. But not before she watched him paint his chest and firm belly with milky cream stripes. It's more than she had seen come out before, and some part of her wants to patterns her into it, play there on his chest and make shapes of it. Or better yet, mix it into the yellow from earlier. It would make the exact right color for sunlight.

When she got to her bedroom and closed the door, she slipped her hand past the elastic waistband of her shorts and got herself off to the image burned onto the backs of her eyelids. Then she brought her own taste to her mouth. She imagined their mingled flavor would taste of the dawn. If she lived on the sun.