Jo was used to Harry giving her space for a couple days when she ran on him. It was a bit sad that they already had habits about it. She couldn't decide what was worse, that she was always running after they got close physically, or that she had gotten close enough to need to run again. Yesterday had been worse, because the closeness was physical to be sure, but it was more than sexual and crossed into affection and flirted with intimacy. Jo felt like this was the time that she needed space desperately.

Her feelings were gonna drown her, she could feel them welling up and painting had not helped. Because she wanted to see him, to talk to him, to stay by him. And her spaces, where Jo worked through her feelings, were haunted by him now. Her studio carried his essence and her memories and the things she wanted to paint were forms of mourning or longing for him.

All of her concerns, those most certainly still existed and were the undertow that made all that water dangerous.

Jo was still Harry's advisor, though she had checked her rosters and luckily when school started in 4 days time, he would not be in any of her classes to sit front and center and make her skin feel to tight on her bones and her heart a helium balloon trying to escape her rib cage. That would be some kind of relief.

She was still 20 years older than him. That was not a fact that was going to change, though in some ways she was sure that he was light years ahead of her, certainly in his talent, and his heart. That boy was the most considerate person ever, asking her is she needed to get Zoe before their last round yesterday, though it would have left him with balls so blue they were fauvist. His singularity had her on her back, metaphorically. Was he just born that way?

Born that way when she was already bearing a son, she reminded herself.

Bearing a son, who was her main reason to not do this, to keep in mind that the biggest complication was a relationship more important than any she could make with Harry. No matter how many threads she and Harry tied together, Ethan was the going on of her and their bonds were blood and DNA. Blood was thicker than water no matter how liquid Harry made her feel. They could not get into this. It was to complicated and, she could not shake the feeling it was wrong, or crossed too many lines or was just to selfish. She had other people who depended on her and no matter how much Jo wanted to run away to or run into that golden valley Harry opened up inside her, she was not allowed to.

That's why him showing up on her doorstep threw her immediately onto her back foot. Her resolve was not strong enough against him, and he'd bulldozed through every other wall she had built up against him so far. The 16 hours since she could actually feel him rather than his phantom touches was not enough to do much more that throw up some paper mache and scrawl Ethan and Zoe and teacher and job all over them.

He was here though, so she was going to have to fake it until she made it she guessed. Maybe if she pretended that her fortifications against him were made of stacked stones and she only cared to look at him from the highest turret, he would leave her along in her paper castle and she could build it better for next time.

"Harry you can't keep just showing up here." Jo crossed her arms and stared him down. Or drank him in, she hoped her posture and put upon stare were believable.

"And you can't keep running from me," He emphasized. "And I've been just showing up at your house for 10 years now." Harry threw his hand like he was knocking away her excuses like flies.

"yeah Harry, when Ethan's home. people will talk." People would talk and they would be right

"Jo it's not out of the ordinary for me to be here. You're overthinking it. I can show up if you need me to and I needed to see what was wrong. I could just feel something was off with you, like a pit in my stomach." He placed his hand over the center of his butterfly and her eyes stuck there, like a stone in her tummy too.

"Nothing's wrong with me Harry, I'm busy. I have to get everything ready for Monday, and I needed to get Z0--"

"Did I make you late to get Zoe? I asked you if you needed to go before that last time." He smirked at her and it totally undermined his sweetness, that he was happy she stayed that last time.

"What are you doing, Harry? What are we doing? This whole village knows everything everybody is doing. Can't you just hear it? It'll get round to your mother, your mum Harry, who is my age!" She sighed. "and then Ethan will hear when he's home, down at the pub, how his best mate is fucking his mum? That can't happen, and that is what will happen if you keep this up. That's what's wrong Harry, with this, but that's all fine, right?" She narrowed her eyes at him. "It's obvious why are you leaving my house at all hours of the morning or coming at all hours of the morning or sleeping ove--."

"Oh you inviting me to sleep over? I didn't know we were at that stage but I'm thankful to see that you recognize what's going on here." Harry huffed at her when his joke fell flat.

"I recognize that you think there is more going on than is." He threw his hands out and she noticed his eyes were an entirely new shade of green, they looked like a tropical frog's back, beautiful but dangerous.

"No, Jo!  stop! There is more going on than you're willing to look at and you kno--."

"Harry people are going to talk! And it's not worth anybody finding out. You can't just come over here whenever

"Not worth anybody finding out? Why the fuck do you care about anybody seeing us?"

"Because it's wrong!" She finally yelled in frustration and laced her arms together. But it felt nice to say the truth that had been festering in her mind for months, years at this point.

Harry's entire body shuddered for a moment. He looked at his feet for just a second, and then stared into the center of her. "This is not wrong Jo- we are not wrong, it's a couple years." He insisted.

He looked like she'd kicked him in the stomach, that's why this hurt to see she decided. He looked like he'd taken a blow. He approached her slowly, like a spooked horse, until she was inside her kitchen and he was too.

"20! It's 20 years!! I could be your mother!" That itched at her, saying it was a relief, like when you find that spot that keeps moving. It needed to be said out loud, so they couldn't ignore it anymore.

"You are very much not my mother!" He took her hands and even though she didn't want it to, Jo's body relaxed enough that she could feel it and she let him hold part of her. "Jo, does this feel wrong to you? Do we feel wrong, baby?" He said the word like it was made of glass and approached her like she was too.

"But I am your professor, your teacher!" She threw up another layer of paper on her walls.

"Come off it Jo! I'm teaching you Just as much- which is the way a relationship is supposed to be." He went for her waist then while he peeled her layers. So she threw up another.

She had to put up more defenses. "What relationship- we've fucked a few times!"

"Yeah Jo! you'd risk everything for a fuck- I must be damn good" he looked pissed again, furrowed brow and ran his hand through his hair before he assumed a haughty posture on the last word.

"Don't be smug , you little ass!" Her posture swelled on that wave of anger and she pointed her finger at him.

He rushed into her space,  "I'm not little, I'm a man, and I'm yours- you know that right?" He took her finger then and ran a hand up to her elbow. The wave crested inside her and crashed down.

Jo goes silent, can feel her anger uselessly lapping at the shores of her heart. She had to duck dive under that wave and couldn't find the energy. So she lets it wash over her.

Jo knows she should refute his assertion strongly, but, her whole body warmed and her heart beat faster, when he said it.

Hers.

She belonged to a lot of people, she was Ethan's mum, and Zoe's too, she was a teacher, and then a mentor, and now a professor. She belonged to people, especially her kids, and she was raising them to release them to someone else. But Harry wanted to be hers, was offering himself, and it would be just for her. She wanted him to be hers. Which she knew, but was sure she should not have him. How selfish was it to take this, wholly for herself, despite the risks.

"Jo, C' mom," he gripped both elbows and pulled her a little closer, like half a hug, "I feel your moods and know your needs and we, we just work. I can feel that you want to touch me back right now, think you shouldn't. - you're in my mind all the time, and I know I'm on yours can't help but look at me every time I'm anywhere need you."

"That's just lust," she threw some modge podge on their sticky situation.

"Yeah Joe, the full hearts in your eyes, just sexual. Oh, and the risk, sounds like you. To risk the respect you've had to earn for an orgasm. And the job you love that gives you the chance to create and mold minds! And that you'd," he choked a little, "that you'd hurt your son, who we both love, just for a fuck! Sounds exactly like something you'd do! Totally a part of your character! Christ Jo, you forget I've watched you for years! Known you half my life."

That smarted. But she knew she was risking all of these things, and that she tortured herself over them, but she still didn't want to stay away from him. Didn't seem to be able to. Even though she'd known him since he was a boy. That always cropped up in her mind, like the weeds in a otherwise pleasant garden. It was unfair that they were so mismatched in age but well suited otherwise. How did she get out of this, show them both it couldn't work, but give them a chance to experience it so the need would go away. She let him hold her a bit closer while he continued talking.

"Watched you bite your lip and worry and give advice, and stop yourself from giving advice. Watched you forgo sleep and stay up late doing school projects, cleaning clothes, cleaning floors, watched you take food off your plate and put it on his." His eyes bore down on her, and she remembered all those things mothers do, everyday, that nobody sees. But Harry did. "If I'm nothing but a way to get off, and you'd put Ethan at risk for that, I don't know you at all!" At that he wrapped her up in him, and put his nose to hers, "But I do, I know you!"

She was dumbfounded. Felt like she needed to say 'You're right, it's not worth it because the risks remain. And I can't risk Ethan" But it mattered so much that he knew her, saw her, chose her. Even if she should ask him to leave, maybe even transfer his advisorship, ask him not to come over to see Ethan, Jo couldn't and she could only get out his name.

"Harry..."

She swore Harry lit up like a Christmas tree, like the one she let Ethan put the tinsel all over when he was wee even though she thought it was ugly because of his glee. So she buried his face in her neck, and he kept talking.

"Jo give it an actual shot if only for a minute just to try. Let yourself feel it, feel me, something for me." His voice opened like the dawn, "Let's go somewhere, like a real date. Give me a chance, give us a real one, without fetters, where we can feel what it is like to be a real couple and you can see it's not wrong or even weird! That it feels right! It feels so right to me."\

"People are gonna think I'm your mom!" There was that to, the vanity.

"No, they are gonna think I'm punching way above my weight." And he knew she was soft, could feel that her shoulders had come down, and he moved to press his lips to hers and held her close, "because I am. Know it."

So, she found herself in his car mid Saturday morning, after having rationalized herself to death that this was to appease the what ifs in both their heads. To prove all her fears right and then be able to move past the want. So she had agreed to the date that Harry planned and made arrangements.

Audrey had been happy to come sit with Zoe, overnight she winked when Jo told her she had a date. Jo did not tell her it was with the hot swim instructor who's two years seniority Audrey had declared a big gap. And she was ignoring that gap and it's weighty implications today. She was going to give Harry what he asked for and go on the date with an open mind and heart and just be with him. Just for a minute, an hour, a day, until somebody stared or she couldn't ignore his immaturity or they had radically different taste in music, and art, and well, she imagined everything with their generational gap. But she could just give him the day, she wanted to.

She drove to his apartment, and was charmed by his car immediately. It was an early 90's Volkswagen Eurovan. When he walked her to it she quipped, "I thought you couldn't get your amber waves lady to me? You absolute liar!" She hopped just a little bit up to get in the car.

Harry looked sheepish for just a moment until he caught her smile and a cheeky grin took over his face. "Well, she's big and heavy, and taking her back and forth would be a pain. The first time was legitimate, and she was just coming out. After that...." he smirked at her.

"After that what?" she slapped his hand as he set his phone into some cup he had in between the two seats.

"I might have noticed that you seemed to," he started the engine and side eyed her with an eyelash flutter, "really like my studio."

"God, am I that obvious?" She pulled her hand back and he caught it and held it, brought it to his lips.

"Not so much, and I didn't pick it up right away, but when you said my name, in that way only you ever have," he groaned, "and well, I could feel it after that, the way your eyes touched me, and I could see you shifting around on your stool, and I could just, the mood in there.... course I wanted to get you back there whenever possible."

Jo blushed and looked away, put her hands in her lap, then realized she didn't have a seat belt on. Before she could reach across herself, Harry caught her hands and reached across the console to get her attention. When she looked at him he was biting his lip and looked hesitant, but she could tell he wanted her attention, so she turned into him and gave him it and her eyes. She only had them for him it seemed. "H?"

"I don't think I need to say this, like, you seem to already be trying, but I just," And he leaned in and kissed her, and she pulled away to look around to make sure no students might be in their vicinity, though she wasn't even sure that many students lived in his complex.

Harry sighed, "Sorry, thought it'd make me braver. Forgot where we are. But there's not many students here, and well, I just want to be together, today, um, and not worry about it, see how it feels." He put his hands in his lap then, "and I wanted to ask you to be there with me, I know it's a bubble, but can we just live in it for a while?" His brow rose and his eyes were big and round and jade today.

"Yes, I can, I'm trying, but we need to get away to do that. You said you had a plan? Where are we going?" She leaned over and touched his chin, then spun a curl around her finger. She loved his look today, his hair down and curly and covered by a hat, and a see through velour shirt over his broad shoulders, and tight jeans, the ones with the ripped pocket and brown boots. He looked like such a bohemian art student and she was ineffably charmed. Jo was going to take this opportunity to be affectionate and touch him as much as she could.

"Nope, not telling," he made a lock and key sign at his fleshy pout and pretended to throw it away, but she wanted to open his mouth right then. He was so cute.

It only got worse while he drove them onto the motorway and she watched him shift the car and felt it in her stomach, deep. He handled the car like it was an extension of himself. His shifts were smooth and well timed. He didn't force it into gear, he guided it, but he was in control. There was some metaphor there she was trying to work out, but watching the flex of his forearm and dance of his mermaid and beat of his heart was making hers pound. She shifted in her seat and watched the road.

"Are we going to Liverpool?" She asked when she noticed the turns he was making and wondered if Harry knew she grew up nearby.

"Like I said, I'm not telling. Will you put on some music, there is this band I want you to hear, think you will like them. Called The Aces, downloaded them the other day." He handed her the phone and smirked when she took it carefully so as not to touch him.

Three songs in and she was wiggling a little in her chair to the beat and giggled when Harry shimmied his shoulders at her, and sang a little bit to her. "Making me feel like I could go crazy!"

And he reached across and took her hand and held it like he had in his studio. She figured this would be a chatty drive, but right now it was so nice to just hold his hand.

They started talking when he said, "Hey, baby, can you put on the playlist called colours?"

Jo nodded and thrilled at the baby, like every other time, but didn't admonish herself like usual. Her song, the one he had sang to her came on and they shared the lyrics together like a creed. Like today they would do the work and live the song. He smiled at her and said, "there's another song on there you need to hear."

"Oh yeah?" she flirted with him, like she was a much younger lady.

"Yeah, it's definitely one of ours, It's called 'Jenny Don't Be Hasty.'"

"Weird title!" Jo scanned for it.

"Spot on lyrics, though."

And once they started to play, she caught his cheeky joke. "You are not 18! Nearly 23!" she pushed his shoulder.

"See, you can even marry me!"

"Think we should finish our first date before we go there, idiot. Maybe get to know each other a bit better. Know a bit about marrying fast, not doing it again." She shrugged off the shame.

"So, let's do it." Harry took her hand where she had put it on her thigh.

"What?' She looked up from his phone.

"Get to know each other, like this." He looked so excited.

"Ok, shoot, I guess." She tried to look away, what would he ask? About her marriage? Her divorce? Her unfortunate single motherdom?

None of those, better, "When did you know you wanted to paint?"

"Um.....I don't think I ever really thought about it, I just was a painter, I guess." She sat back in her chair. "My mum had the nanny take me to all sorts of enrichment opportunities."

"That sounds nice." He smiled at her but he must have seen it wasn't. "I actually don't know much about your parents. Like, I don't think I've ever even heard much about them." He left that there and when she didn't respond he kept talking, "Unless you don't want to talk about it. We don't have to."

"Um, no, I guess, I liked classes and sport, well some of them, I was pretty good at tennis. And it's where I found art. Those were always my favorite. My mum insisted I learn piano. I like violin, but she wasn't really interested in my interests, ya know." He squeezed her hand. "Have you ever read 'Pride and prejudice?'"

He glanced at her quickly before putting his eyes back on the road. "Yeah, um when I was in year 8 maybe?" He furrowed his brow. "Why?"

"Do you remember that part where Darcy talks about what it takes to be considered an accomplished young lady to him, and it's like a very long list?" Harry nodded so she continued and tried to get to the point. "I think my mother was trying to give me a regency era pedigree or something, and it meant she didn't have to deal with me. She largely ignored me unless I was window dressing. I was, well, am, a huge disappointment. It looked very bad when I got pregnant young and out of wedlock. You'd have thought I was Lydia Bennett." She tried to joke, but her parents tolerance of her rather than love smarted no matter how old she got.

Harry didn't comment, or try to fix it, her. He just raised her hand to his lips and kissed it. And waited.

"But, art was on her list of things I should know, though she was not happy when I decided it was what I was gonna do. I was supposed to marry well, and a degree would help that. An art degree even, and she could explain my eccentricities away with it. But, it's all I ever wanted to do." She squeezed his hand back. "While I'm painting not much else matters, I'm the most me then, maybe?" She looked at him and he nodded while making a lane change.

"Yeah, think that's true, you look most comfortable with a brush in your hand." He was quiet a minute, the air stilled in the car though the blowers were still on. "You know it was you, right?"

He looked at her scrunched brow as long as he could while driving. "What was me?" She finally asked.

"That made me learn that about myself, that I was an artist." He didn't glance at her, but kept his eyes carefully on the road. Was he embarrassed? He had no need to be.

"I think you had it in you and would have found it." She leaned over the console and kissed his dimple, just like she had always wanted to, "but I'm really proud if I was some small part of that process for you!"

He looked at where she had just cleared the space between them a little, and glanced hastily back to the road, and kissed her quickly on the mouth. "When I first watched you, which I did for a long time before I got the courage to ask for my own brush, I was so amazed that you got to be in charge of all of it. Like, it's entirely yours, the things you draw, and what you don't define too, and the names of the colors. It opened up this yearning inside me." Jo stayed close to him while he talked, the console digging into her ribs, she felt like one of her beat ladies,trying to get somewhere undefined. Maybe the one whose foot steps turned back to gold after Harry left yesterday. "I would come home from Thursdays so excited I couldn't sleep, which is how I feel when I leave you now, not sure if it was about you or the art now." He pinched his lip and caught his eyes when they tried to see her, averted them to the road.

"It was the art then. Something changed with us a couple years ago." Jo leaned back in her chair and thought about that green t shirt. It wouldn't fit him now, it was really tight then, and he'd broadened further. Maybe it would fit her. "Don't you think?"

"Something changed with us, definitely, it changed my whole world." And he looked at her and she wanted him to keep looking at her like she was the missing piece in his big puzzle forever. He needed to drive and when he looked up he muttered "shit" and looked over his shoulder to begin lane changes.

Jo realized they were in Liverpool, by the waterfront and she hoped and also just knew that he had chosen to bring her to her favorites place in the world, without knowing it. "Are we going to the Tate Modern?" She could hear the hummingbirds in her voice.

"Yeah, they have an exhibit on Roy Lichtenstein I wanted to see and it felt, well, I'm not sure...." he parked the car and looked at her, "it felt very us. you maybe?"

Jo didn't even look around. There was nobody here that knew them, she leaned over the console and caught his jaw with her hand and turned him to her and kissed him like she was allowed to. Once she drank from his lips all his wonders, she confessed, "This is my favorite place in the world, maybe." and Harry had gotten it in one.