Cold. It feels so cold. I can't help but stand in front of one of my mirrors again. It doesn't feel right. Nothing about me feels right. I transform into Mirabel. It still doesn't feel like I'm in the right body. Transforming into Tiò Bruno. Still not the right feeling. Transforming into each of my family members but nothing felt good. Even after I transform Back into my original body, there is still that cold, uneasy feeling. I went back to my bed and just let myself fall on it. 

Why am I not feeling comfortable in my own body? In no one's body? 

Without noticing my eyes started to tear up. Who even am I? The whole day I am always making fun with others, giving everyone a smile, while transforming into who I want. Without noticing, I started to lose myself in this process. It felt like I am not "Camilo" anymore, just the person trying to be someone else to help others, a typical "people-pleaser". Shouldn’t I be happy to make others happy? Others being happy and smiling because of me should be so nice. But there’s nothing. The smile I wear comes because I managed to make others happy, but am I happy too?

The thoughts are growing and growing, without an ending in sight. The black hole won’t get smaller and it doesn’t seem like I can get out any time soon. A look at my clock on the wall. Already 3am. 

Again.

Taking the blanket on my bed, I lay down and close my eyes. Getting less sleep every night can’t be good in the long-term. But sleeping just doesn’t seem like an option. Instead I just open my eyes again and look at the ceiling.

“Will anyone ever tell me who I actually am?”

A very quiet whisper. Nothing more. 

Everything’s going so well. Casita is back, Tiò Bruno is back and our family finally gets along as a family again. The perfect life, shouldn’t it? But it just isn’t for me. I’m struggling, so much. This “gift” as everyone calls it is the biggest curse. It makes me feel anxious about myself, about my looks, about who I am. I was born a boy. Everyone calls me that, even looking like one. But it just makes me so upset everytime someone calls me or everytime I see myself in a mirror. The magic gave me a room full of mirrors because of my gift. Not the best environment for me. "Casita, why…" I mumbled, silently.

Why can’t I just live a normal life like everyone else? Seems like I was not gifted with this. Just loving yourself, I can't. Not like Isabela did. Not like Mirabel did. Not like anyone else did. I need help. But I can't ask anyone for help. Trying my best not to be a burden for anyone. Will there ever be a light again? Who knows. Maybe I will figure out, one day, who exactly I am. A special day will come, hopefully.

Another look at the clock. 4am. I need to sleep, have to stand up in a few hours. Everyone seems to sleep silently, not hearing any sounds. A little sigh finds his way out. Kicking my blanket out of my bed and sitting on the edge again. I need water, maybe even something like a snack. Silently I went out of my room. "Please Casita, don't make any sound, alright?" I asked the house, whispering. Casita nodded with the stones on the floor and I went my way down to the kitchen. Looking around, I found some bread left. Taking a bite and also drinking some water from the sink made my stomach feel a bit better. I looked out of the window. The moon shone brighter than all the other times tonight. It was fascinating. 

"Will you tell me who I am?" 

No answer.

What did I even expect, it's just the moon. I continued watching it while eating a bit, when I saw a butterfly, shining bright in golden colors flying in front of me. It landed right on my hand. My feeling told me it was watching me. "What are you doing here little friend?" Again, no answer. "What would I do to have Antonio's gift right now…" No sounds, again. My head seemed empty for the first time since years while staring at the butterfly. It seemed so magical, just like my family. "You would fit perfectly here." Sighing, again. Even a butterfly fits better than me. Silently continuing watching the butterfly. It seemed so calm, so full of hope. A little smile appeared on my face. A real smile, no fake, just a smile on a young boy who started to hope again. "Just what are you doing little butterfly, hm?"

It will be better, one day for sure.

It seemed unreal, but I finally had hope after a very long time living in the dark. My black vision became brighter. My dark soul became a tad whiter. So many years to figure everything out, about me and who I am. Nothing has to rush. Maybe, just maybe, life will grant me living without worries in the future. 

Having hope is the biggest magic in the world, so never lose your hope, everything will work out one day for sure.

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My headcanon for him, he's definitely having the biggest identity crisis, so I tried to convey that in this one shot
(and maybe I tried to use him to convey my own feelings-)

I hope you liked it :>