Chapter 32

Knocking on the door, I waited a moment for the customary ‘come in’ before I twisted the knob. Such was a mundane thing that I was still tied to, despite the fact that I was now losing on sleep and am sleep-deprived for two straight days.

Rainer Clarke’s face is one of surprise and shock when he raises it to take a look at me, but I’m too tired to care.

“Before you say anything about how horrible I look, save it. I’m here to give you a letter, then I’m going to continue searching for Jeremy.” I cut off his imminent words, and by pure concern at the lethargy in my voice, he force his needless comment down his throat.

“He is a con, Francis. It is in him to run.” He tried to reason, but he shouldn’t do it when he isn’t the one who knows Jeremy. I know Jeremy inside out. From young, Jeremy had never done something so suicidal. Yes, Jeremy liked to test boundaries, but he always knew the difference between right and wrong. He always knew when it was wrong to gamble with his life.

Until now.

“I know. And it is in me to chase him. Jeremy means the world to me, Clarke. I would do anything to have him back.” I replied, and there was more truth in those words than he would ever understand. What Clarke thought he knew was that I loved Hayden. But in truth, it was Jeremy.

Jeremy had taken his place in my heart, by endlessly giving. He hadn’t expected anything back from me. And his first demand… was for me to forget he ever existed. How could I ever forgive a man like that? Never. I needed to search him out, and tell him that the most important thing at the moment... was him. Nothing else mattered; just finding him.

“Give him time. Perhaps he is just coming to terms with the facts.” Clarke offered the seat across him at the desk, but I stood stubbornly where I was.

“I know Jeremy, Clarke. He’s not like that. He doesn’t run away like that. Something is going on, and with his condition… I must find him and make him come back.”

Clarke seemed to give up on concentrating on his files while I was standing here, so he closed it and gave me his intense gaze.

“Word on the street, Annabel, is that he’s running to help Hayley Seyfried.” He said evenly, as if afraid that I would burst. It was the first time he’d used my ‘first name’ in the office, and while it should be of some significance, it doesn’t matter to me.

“I don’t care who he’s helping. If I see him alive and well again, then I’ll breathe well again. We can kill him later, but I want to see Jeremy alive again, and hear his voice again.” I declared, stepping forwards and extending the letter over to him.

“What’s this?” He accepted it without opening.

“My letter of resignation. I’m backing out.”

Rainer Clarke stared at me for a long moment, as if trying to wonder if I was joking with him or not. The seriousness of the mood between us gave him the answer, but he stared as if he couldn’t understand the reality.

“This is for Jeremy?” He asked after a long moment, resting the letter calmly on top of his file and crossing his arms carefully, leaning against the back of his seat.

“This is more than Jeremy. This is me, and Hayden, and Jeremy. This is everyone around me. I know I told you I would fight against her, that I would help you make Hayden stay. But… I can’t.” Pretending to be distressed wasn’t a hard job to do this time, considering the fact that I was extremely strung-up thanks to Jeremy’s disappearance. Never once had I hated the Seyfried’s way of disappearing; until now. Now; I finally understood the pain of looking for someone who had disappeared in the Seyfried fashion –fast, swift and cruel.

“Did Hayley approach you again?” Rainer asked worriedly, obviously affected by the level of unhingement I was displaying. But no longer am I capable of putting up a true act. While I talk to Rainer as if I were Annabel Francis, I am no longer that FBI agent in heart. In heart, I am solely a heartbroken and desperate Hayley Seyfried.

“No, but she doesn’t have to. You don’t understand. Jeremy is my childhood, someone who is precious to me. Hayley knew my weakness. She got to Dorian first. She got to Jeremy. She’s destroying me by making the people important to me leave. Soon, it’s going to be you. And then, finally she’ll take Hayden away from me. Then I’ll have nothing left.” I shivered at the thought of myself being left alone. Despite everyone around me, I was alone without Jeremy.

“If you’re so afraid of losing Hayden, then why are you resigning? Why not go after her?”

“I just want to spend the time I have left with him. I just want to scrape back whatever I can and try to survive out in this place. I thought being an ex-con could benefit me here, Clarke. But I can’t. I’ve waded in too deep, and I’m going to keep losing. If I draw out now, I’ll limit the losses I make. I’ll make the best of what I have left.”

Rainer began to frown a slight bit, as if he hadn’t anticipated this weakness within me.

“Why do you believe that you will lose to Hayley Seyfried? I’ve been looking into her and Hayden in the time I was made to stay, and you and Hayley are not so different, Annabel. You can win her. It is the way of the Seyfrieds to play mind games with their targets and make them back down. You cannot let this get the best of you, Annabel.”

I sat down at the seat across his desk, the pressure cracking down on me. The lack of sleep was rubbing me down, and the constant worry for Jeremy was making things worse. If I used to think that training with my father was torturous, then he must not have anticipated this moment in my life.

It was funny; how I was the only woman on The Circle, how I was the Hayley Seyfried in a haven for con artist… and how I was suffering and going through my worst point of my life right here in the heart of NYC.

“I really can’t.” I said, feeling the stinging in my eyes. I usually wasn’t such a crybaby, but I was emotionally and physically exhausted and truthfully it felt like anything hard could make me break down now. “She knew who to hit to break me, and everything has been hitting me hard. I can’t. All I want now is someone I can trust to stay beside me through thick and thin, Rainer. I can’t find that in anyone else except for Hayden. Even if he’s going back to Hayley, I just want to take the most of what I can take now.”

My lethargy and desolation must have gotten through to him somehow, as the moment of silence dragged longer and longer. I wasn’t sure if I had fallen asleep in the seat, but I blinked and found myself still in reality.

“You still have me.” I heard Rainer say softly. I should feel happy knowing that I’ve gotten straight through in his heart without a problem, but I don’t feel any accomplishment. To hook Rainer in, I gave up my time I could have spent with Jeremy, to keep him happy. If I’d spent more time with him, he wouldn’t have run away, thinking to help me somehow with his childish thinking. I didn’t know whether to cry or laugh or be angry at Jeremy for wanting to help me to get Hayden out of the FBI.

“When I was young, my father taught me to never trust anyone with my heart. I thought I was learning the right things from him, and when I became con, I understood what he meant. But when I stopped, I became someone else. I loved with my heart. But why do they have to break it over and over again?” I blinked, surprised to find a tear dripping to my hand. I wasn’t even aware that I had any tears more to cry.

The sound of mechanical whirring had me looking up in shock, and I watched as my resignation letter slid smoothly down the shredder at the side of Rainer’s table.

“I won’t accept your resignation, Annabel. If you want to take a long leave to look for Jeremy, I cannot stop you. But I can’t let you resign. Besides your relationship with Hayden, you have closed cases faster than anyone I’ve seen. You are an asset to the Bureau. No matter how alone you are in the world, how you feel like there’s never anyone beside you, there will always be someone watching over you silently.” Rainer didn’t look at me, but kept his eyes on the papers in front of him as he scribbled something.

“You…”

At my hesitation, he looked up, and strict hard eyes glared at me.

“Until seven years ago, I was alone in the world. I had to deal with school alone, and I understood that no one will truly care for me even if something dire happened. This is New York City. I didn’t believe nor trust anyone, and it made me hard and anti-social. You taught me how to trust, Annabel. Don’t tell me that trust doesn’t exist, because I see trust in you. I trust you and Hayden. Even Hayden knows trust. If you have to find Jeremy to find that trust back, then go.” Rainer extended the paper that he’d been filling up towards me, and looked back down, opening his file.

“I…”

“Jeremy wouldn’t want to see you like this. Even if he is a con, from how little I knew from him, I know he cares enough to want you to move on. But if you can’t, then go find him. After you’ve done that, come back to me. When you come back, I will make sure that you will have Hayden firmly in your grasp. I will apply for you to have hold over Hayden and hopefully that will make the man see that you’re more important to him than his sister.” Rainer spoke without looking up.

Long silence spread between us as I stared at the top of his bowed him in shock and surprise, while he purposefully ignored me, adamantly focusing on the file. I took a look at the paper he’d passed to me, and found it his confirmation of giving me mandatory leave of absence until I was deemed suitable for work.

It was obvious that he didn’t have more to say. Rather, even if he had more to say, he wasn’t about to say anything to me while he deemed me being lost.

Maybe I really was.

When I touched down, I wanted only to talk to Hayden and seek his forgiveness. I wanted to maybe play with the FBI and teach Dorian how to deal with FBI in White Collar Paradise.

Now. All I want is Jeremy back. All I want is Jeremy safe and sound. Nothing else matters more.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

Walking back to a home would feel so much better if we weren’t so publicized.

After the death of our parents and our subsequent rise to success, Hayden and I had never had found the time to come back to where it all started. The officials, press, police and Bureau eventually found out our past address, and since media was involved in the search for the past of the Seyfrieds, our home became widely publicized.

I don’t understand what is so attractive of a normal home in the middle of a quiet suburban area. Yet, upon alighting the cab right outside the front garden of my home, I see endless monuments and evidences that people have been visiting this home. I understood that the Seyfried family had been under the glare of spotlight when Hayden and I exploded into fame, but I had never expected us to amass fans all over.

Ignoring the added decorations in the attempts to publicize the old apartment of the Seyfrieds, I walked up the familiar steps to the porch. There used to be a swing where young Hayden would spend just hours swinging by himself here.

The inside of the house hadn’t changed a single bit. White sheets still covered the furniture, and though there were markings made by the general public, it was still my home. Each corner was every corner I remembered sulking in. Each inch of the floor was every tile I remembered walking across. It was not hard to remember a time in the past where Dad would walk down those stairs and ask me if I was done planning with my next con. It wasn’t hard to remember the smell of chocolate chip cookies, and how Hayden would jump up with his stack of cards and run to the kitchen to bribe Mum with his card tricks in exchange for a fresh cookie.

It wasn’t hard to remember how Jeremy and I shared our first kiss here.

The thought of Jeremy made me stop in my footsteps, and I looked forlornly over to the white sheet covering the couch. I could still recall the young me and young Jeremy sitting side by side here, exchanging tips and sometimes arguing on the couch.

“Jeremy…” I wasn’t aware that I’d spoken until I heard the echo of my own voice coming back to me. “If you were here…”

There was no one who could reply me in this empty, dust-covered house. It struck me painfully suddenly. Years ago, I grew up here, believing that I would be a successful con woman. I grew up, thinking that I would be indestructible.

Years later, I am back again. I am almost at the top of the conning industry. I am powerful; successful.

But I am not indestructible. Instead, I am broken. I am a lot less than the child I used to be. I am a broken doll, who cannot even hold anyone she loved dear close to her.

I traced my steps to the individual rooms, remembering each and every cranny of it. When Hayden and I left, I’d made sure that all con secrets were gone from this apartment, and all that was left was the mundane furniture displayed for all to see. The life behind these furniture were gone. The life had been contained within these walls hadall drifted away.

I skipped my room, for there was too many memories for me there. Instead, I continued upstairs until I found the attic and the tiny room that had once served as poor Young Jeremy’s sleeping quarters.

When Dad first offered Jeremy to stay with the Seyfried family, the young boy had never been any happier. For a boy from a broken family, all Jeremy had wanted was some familial love. We had tried to give it to him as much as possible, but we weren’t his flesh and blood family.

With a sigh, I sat down on the small bed that used to serve Young Jeremy well. Our lives had all evolved from these walls, but I was the only one back here, willing and wishing the past back. It was useless, and I, as a top-notched con artist, should know better. To be right the top, the best con artist, one could never afford to have feelings. The trade-off between emotions and ability to con was the biggest rule in to do well in the con industry.

I had managed to climb to where I was now thanks to skills and a hardened heart and conscience. I was on The Circle, but I wasn’t the top. There was a reason why Seyfrieds, despite how famous we all were, were never the top.

We have emotions.

I have emotions. I hurt, and I bleed. I cry and I feel pain.

But maybe it is time for me to let go some of those emotions. They are pulling me down, weighing me like a heavy rock on my back, stopping me from taking my next step up the ladder. I need to let down the weight before I can climb up again.

A knock on the door makes me look up, and a young boy stands in the doorway with wide eyes. The sight of him immediately reminds me of Jeremy. He was wearing Young Jeremy’s favorite outfit –skinny jeans and comfortable V-neck shirt. He is even wearing Jeremy’s favorite wristband…

I stood up at the realization. This boy was wearing Jeremy’s wristband.

“Where did you get that?” I asked quickly, but he tilts his head curiously.

“Are you Miss Francis?” He doesn’t answer my question, but it is obvious somebody told him about me. Somebody who had Jeremy’s favorite wristband –who has never given it to anyone, nor allowed anyone to help themselves to it.

“Yes, who told you that?” I stepped closer to the boy, and he bravely stood where he was, unfazed at my demand.

“The man who gave me this.” He said, removing the wristband. “He paid me a hundred dollars to pass you this letter and wristband.”

I stared at the piece of paper offered to me. Did I dare to believe that this was from Jeremy?

“Did he tell you his name?”

The boy shrugged. “I was just walking down the road, but he came right up to me, saying I had the perfect clothes. He said I reminded him of his young self, and gave me the wristband to complete the look. He asked me if I wanted to make some money, and of course I said yes. He just gave me the letter and told me to give it to a ‘Miss Francis’ who would be coming here sometime today before he walked away.”

He insisted the letter upon me, and it was by pure instincts that I accepted the items. With that, the boy nodded politely and backed away from the doorway, presumably a hundred dollar richer.

There was no point in trying to chase the boy trying to find Jeremy. It was obvious that Jeremy didn’t want to be found, but it still warmed my heart to know that he still cared enough to find out that I had temporarily escaped New York. It still gave me immense relief to know that he was still alive, somewhere out there, still well enough to be bribing boys of approximately 12 years old with money to do tasks for him.

Without missing a heartbeat, I tore the envelope open and feasted my eyes on familiar handwriting.

Hays,

I really am sorry. This might be the last time you hear from me. I am really happy that you promised to forget me and move on. At least now, if I die, I die knowing that I will never be the heartbreak you experienced with Neal for the past seven years.

Thank you for all that you’ve done for me. Thank you and your family. I can never repay you enough for all that you’ve given me. Your parents changed the future of a poor boy from a broken family. Your brother changed the loneliness of a boy thrown on the streets. You changed me with your love and care.

I am where I am because of you, and I am utterly grateful. In this, I am utterly ashamed –ashamed that you might see me dead before I can properly repay you.

I can only do what I can with what little I am left with. Don’t worry too much about me. I will make sure the name Jeremy Stiles dies with honor.

Don’t worry so much anymore, Hays. If you still feel for Neal, don’t be afraid. He is true. I know now. He is true in his heart, and you don’t have to be afraid of him anymore. I know that he will never dare to betray you, for in the deepest part of his heart, he still believes in protecting you.

If it is about Dorian, don’t worry. I will sort out his mess. Despite our differences, Dory was still my friend at one point of time in my life. He visited me in the hospital, and I understand him. I will make him see sense. If he chooses to go back to you, Hays, give him a chance. I was given a second chance by your parents.

You are doing well with Rainer and Hayden. Get Hayden out of the Bureau when you can, and leave quickly. Rainer Clarke is a man with unpredictability. We don’t know what might happen.

Don’t bother looking for me. All I request is that you distantly remember a foolish young boy who shared your childhood in the future. I don’t want you to remember me in every fine detail. Just a sketchy image, just the name Jeremy.

I will be happy when you are safe. Make me happy and be safe.

This is goodbye.

Jeremy

I bit my bottom lip and wiped away the tears from the corner of my eyes. Digging my pockets for the lighter, I set the paper alight, burning the words in my mind as it burnt between my fingers. The blackened piece of paper fell to the floor as I watched it shrivel up.

There was nothing I could do anymore.

This time, I needed to trade it all off. I needed to give up my emotions to be the top con. At least until I have Hayden completely back in my hands. That was what Jeremy wanted.

I walked in my old house as a broken Hayley Seyfried, trying to seek refuge in the past.

I walked out my old house as a new Hayley Seyfried, who was out to regain her former dream –to be the best and to be indestructible.

To make Jeremy happy.