Chapter 25

“Smile.” That one word breaks through my reverie, and I jerk back to reality to see him smiling back at me weakly. His lips and pale, and he just seems so… weak and fragile. Inside, I feel the same as him, but I am physically strong. He is the direct opposite of me. He is brimming with energy he can’t show.

“If I knew that my cancer is going to kill your smile, then I would never have it.” He states simply, his cold fingers creeping to cover over mine on the bed side.

“You make it sound like you can control yourself from what you suffer from.” I replied with a forced smile, but he knows it. Jeremy has seen me force my smile enough times to know that it is fake.

“I can’t control the cancer, but I can control how my body reacts to it. I don’t want to see you like this, Hayley. You were always a strong girl, even from young. I feel you’re breaking down to pieces, and it’s not because of Neal this time.”

“You can feel it?” I asked, a little surprised, a little resigned. I guess most people could. Hayden most probably feels it the most.

“You’re weak and vulnerable inside. Hayden was a first blow, then Neal. Now Dorian and me. All the men in your life right now have dealt you a blow, and you’re waiting for the last to hit you down.”

I looked away; at anywhere other than Jeremy’s frail body. It seemed as though after the failed surgery, Jeremy seemed to wane thinner and thinner by the day. I knew he hurt ever so often and saw flashes of pain in his eyes. I knew he hid his unbearable pain in pockets of pauses in our conversation, I knew he made himself smile cheerily when he had been so downcast and despondent initially at knowing that his life was coming to a close.

“Will I be the one?” His soft sentence draws my eyes reluctantly back to him.

“Will you be… the one?” I asked hesitantly, not sure if I wanted to know what he meant. Jeremy has been melancholic these few days, as if he knows his death day is coming. But I can’t let him go. Jeremy has been in my life for so long. Granted, we parted ways when Jeremy was finally an official con as declared by my father, but Jeremy had been there when I was young.

“Will I be the one who deals the final blow to you? If I die, will you crumble to pieces and fall apart?”

Despite myself, I gave a small smile.

“Don’t be so confident. If you die, I’ll be cheering and dancing on your grave.” I said seriously, but Jeremy’s eyes blinked slowly, a slow smile drawing across his tired face.

“You finally smiled. Do you like such a self-absorbed bastard like I was?”

“Don’t ask such stupid questions and focus on getting well. Afterwards, you can be as self-absorbed as you want to be. You’ll be so self-absorbed that you’ll be sucked in by your own vacuum of self-pride.” I scolded lightly, but he makes me smile even more.

“Well, at least I can say that I had the famous Hayley Seyfried spending most of her time on me when I get well. I can boast on how she lost her smile when I was down with the cancer. That’ll get me some reputation.” He gives a suggestive smirk, raising a brow slowly, and I smiled fondly at the conversation we had when Jeremy first met me in NYC again after all those years.

He’d picked the lock to my apartment, and said that he could boast to the con community that he had picked his way into my apartment and room, and use me as a reputation-boosting puppet.

“Just get better, and you can add cancer-survivor to your list of achievements.” I replied, and he nods.

“Don’t you worry; I’m going to add more than that. My list is not exhaustive, and I have no intention of stopping it right now.” Jeremy’s hand clutched mine gently, and I tried to remember the last time I saw him on a hospital bed. The last time was the one time he and my father conned me into believing that he was dying.

It had been a scare for a fourteen year old, and thirteen years later, we were still stuck in this chokehold; me waiting for some light to shine on Jeremy –Jeremy trying to reach out to me.

“Hays?” His suddenly questioning tone of voice brought me back to reality to see him giving me a politely curious look.

“Yes, Jeremy?”

“You should go visit Rainer and do something. Hayden told me about what happened with Dorian. Don’t be angry at him –Dorian just wanted to help you, and was misled by Tyler. That’s the danger of being a con, of being on The Circle. If a man is not used to Tyler’s reach, they can’t stay safe beside you. It hurts, but it’s true.”

“I’ve given up on him for the moment. Your health is the most important at the moment.”

Jeremy shook his head insistently; both his hands clutching at mine now, as if trying his best to get through to me.

“Above my health, you are the most important thing at the moment. Dorian’s actions have put you, Hayley Seyfried, in a dangerous position. FBI is crawling all over looking for you, and Anna’s cover is going to blow any moment. You need to show your face –as Hayley –to distract attention from Annabel. Since Dorian has taken the leap for you, you need to stop. Stop whatever trick you’re doing on Rainer and just concentrate on getting Hayden out. Jerlyn and Mabel can take care of themselves.”

I took my hand from his, shaking my head.

“I can do as you say. I can cover a veil over FBI, but I’m not going to stop. I got close to Rainer to help you, Jeremy. I’m not going to stop, and Hayden agrees that I should let things go to take care of you.”

“I don’t need taking care of, Hayley.”

“You need someone to stay by you, and we promised when we were young.”

Jeremy looked away, his expression turning serious and stern. He crossed his arms across his chest, looking almost as if he were throwing a tantrum.

“You never remembered that promise, Hayley. Don’t use that bullshit on me. And I don’t need you. I don’t need you stay by me. I can survive alone; without you. So do what you wish. You don’t have to come back to see me. I won’t come back to haunt you when I’m dead.”

Even though I knew he was just angry and insistent, his words hurt. I never knew, but his words cut fresh slices in my heart. I didn’t know his opinion mattered so much, but I felt almost as if a brick wall had suddenly began charging towards me, and I’d been hit smack in the middle of it all.

I bit my bottom lip to stop words that I would regret from spilling out.

“I’m sorry, then. I’m sorry I thought I was important to you.” I said in a small voice, standing before I could take more. He refused to turn back, and I really wondered if he hated me. I really wondered if he regretted staying in NYC, and pretending to care for me.

“Go, Hayley. Don’t come back. I don’t want you back. I don’t need you to give up Hayden for me.” His pissed off voice followed me as I opened the door to his ward, and I tried my best to not show how much he had hurt me. If Jeremy wanted to do this…

I slammed the door close and refused to look back. Fine.

If Jeremy wanted me to do this, then I would show him that he’d made the biggest mistake of pushing me away.

******************************************************************

“You’ll find his room just there, two doors from this ward.” The nurse replied helpfully, and I nodded with a smile of thanks. I was quite surprised that Rainer had no security at the door or anywhere close. The man had woken up days ago, and it was obvious that he’d been hunted after –after what Dorian said –and yet he seemed to be inviting more assaults to his ward.

I had my hair, eye color and everything set back to natural, and I looked perfectly like Hayden’s sister. For the first time, I was going to Rainer as Hayley Seyfried. It would be a weird feeling, talking to him with hostility, viewing him as the enemy, but I guessed that would be fine if I wanted Annabel to survive.

I checked my appearance for one last time before I placed black visors sitting comfortably on my nose, brushing my hair hanging over one shoulder, leaving the other bare. The coat was tightly wrapped around me, obscuring my body figure to leave little chances of him seeing similarity between my shape and Annabel’s shape. I couldn’t conceal my voice, but I guessed that there were a million girls out there who had similar voice like mine, so I was willing to let it pass.

I gave a soft knock on the door, and waited for his reply.

His voice was clear and strong in reply, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to curse Dorian for not aiming right, or thank gods that Dorian had missed. Dorian must have been caught up in his emotions and missed his mark of Rainer’s heart. Instead, my student had shot above the heart into his shoulder and while Rainer was out of working commission for a few weeks, he was still very much alive and thinking.

I walked in, not entirely surprised to find files cluttered all over his bed, on his table. He was dressed in the standard hospital clothes, but he didn’t fail to pull off the FBI look no matter his clothes. He looked up, blue eyes narrowing at me, then diluting in confusion and curiosity at the stranger he could not recognize.

“Agent Rainer Clarke?” I asked, though there was no actual need. I’d gotten his ward number from Hayden and double-checked it with the nurses at the main counter, so there was no way I would get the wrong ward.

“Yes, and you are?”

“Dorian’s master. I heard he did something stupid, and I’m here to apologize, as well as to formally introduce myself.” I replied, standing at the foot of his bed, keeping away from his range. I knew Rainer enough that he wouldn’t whip out his guns to point at me. Besides, I was just another citizen of NYC. There was no offense he could officially slap on me at the moment.

Rainer’s eyes widened in realization, and he visibly tensed up. He didn’t act the usual way he did in dealing with shocks, but I forgave it as recently sharpened instincts, after being shot and all.

“What do you want?”

“Like I said; apologize. Do not be afraid, I am not here to kill. Why kill you, when my brother will cry tears for you?”

“I was shot by Dorian only days ago, forgive me if I don’t believe that you’re not here with intents of finishing the job your student failed at doing.”

I removed the visors, letting him know that I was staring only at him, and that I wasn’t afraid. I am Hayley Seyfried. Why would I fear him? I knew him inside out, upside down.

“Like I said; his actions were a mistake. Don’t bother looking for him, though. I’ve booked him off New York until he realizes the stupidity of his actions. From now on, you’re not going to be dealing with my student, but me. You were shot playing cards with Dorian. Are you sure you can handle me?”

Rainer’s hands balled in fists.

“What is your objective for coming here?”

“To save Hayden from the life our parents would never let him walk.”

“Hayden has a life here, with me, with the FBI. He’s happy here; he’s happy with his girlfriend.”

“I know. Con-turned-CI-turned-FBI Annabel Francis. She has guts; trying to go against me and keeping Hayden with FBI even after knowing my power. But she is foolish, and so are you.”

“We’re not afraid of you.” Rainer declared fiercely, and I raised a brow. I never spared a second’s worth of thought thinking that any FBI agent would ever be scared of me, but most of them would be clever enough to be wary of me.

“I don’t expect you to be. If you dared to go after Hayden, then you should have known that one day, I would be standing here, talking to you. You walked into the cave when you decided to study my family; you should have expected to find me waiting for you at the end.”

Rainer’s cautious expression suddenly falls away, and the man smirks, as if suddenly finding a joke.

“You’re seven years late. Hayden’s not your little boy anymore, Hayley.”

It was a low blow, and it was meant to hurt; except for the fact that Hayden had long forgiven me and we were past the initial fight of me leaving Hayden alone.

“Regardless. I am his sister, and I was the one who took care of him eleven years before I left him. No matter what hatred Hayden feels, there is love for a sister who cared more for him than her life.”

“Then if you love him, you will leave him alone. He is happy, Hayley. Don’t ruin your brother’s life more than you’ve already done when you left him.”

“I’m not ruining him. I’m showing him the road back to where he belongs. He belongs with the cons, Agent Clarke. Once a con, always a con. No one can change that. You of all people should know it, having been by my brother for the past few years.”

He flinched a little, and then looked defeated. I wasn’t sure what it was that I said that made him suddenly so beat up, but I stood my ground and showed the self-confident Hayley Seyfried I was supposed to be.

“Once a con, always a con, huh?” I heard him repeat quietly beneath his breath, and waited for his eyes to come back from his hands; his gaze withdrawn.

“Is it really like this? Is there really no way to change a con? Not even Hayden?” He asked in a small voice, which would be a grave mistake if he was talking to any other con –especially Tyler Yule –but Rainer Clarke was talking to me, and I knew this guy. Rainer had always been an independent, self-confident man. He had never really been defeated, and this was actually the first time he appeared so weak and vulnerable.

It wasn’t about being shot. It was about how he seemed to beat up over one phrase.

“You can chop our hands. You can cuff our hands. You can lock us up. But we don’t stop thinking con. We don’t stop doing cons, until our last breaths. We can push it down with force until it is dormant, but once someone comes along with an offer, we’re pick-pocketing before we know it. We’re hiding under a well-crafted cover, and we’re using fake identities before we can even react.”

Rainer looked at the files spread on his bed, a sudden helpless expression on his face. Though he was still technically the enemy, some part of me –the part of me that had been Annabel Francis helping Rainer develop a social life –was alarmed at this weak Rainer that I saw before me. The Lead Investigator of the New York White Collar Division had never seemed so weak before, and I suddenly regretted my decision of coming. Maybe it was too early. Maybe Rainer was still reeling from being shot. No one loves being shot. I know how it feels –compliments to Sophia and her trigger-happy finger.

“What will you do to Hayden… and Annabel Francis?” He asked quietly, and I struggled not to yell in surprise and victory. When my fake name escaped his lips, there was a softening in his voice that I knew was unintentional. But I’d caught it, and I knew it.

I’d succeeded. My efforts had paid off.

“Hayden will be my partner, and I will try to put him on The Circle. As for Annabel… if she’s still going to stand in my way and stay adamant to her lousy proclamation that she’s off cons, then I’ll get rid of her. Hayden will hate me, but he will hate a girlfriend who doesn’t love cons like he does.”

Rainer closes his eyes and breathes in deep.

“If I let Hayden go, will you let Annabel go?”

I would say yes a thousand times over instantly, but that would raise alarms to Rainer’s suspicious nature. Instead, I pretended to consider over it shortly.

“Only if that nosy bitch sticks her nose in some other people’s business. I only want my brother, Rainer Clarke. I will be honest; I respect a man who can tame my brother to be a CI for the FBI. But the years have passed, and happy memories are forged. It’s time for Hayden to return to where he belongs, and I will not accept anyone who stands in my way.”

“So somehow, if I let Hayden go… chaos will stop?”

“As an incentive, you can have evidence and find where all missing pieces of artwork from Dorian’s cons are. I’ll take Hayden far away from NYC, and you will not hear of us Seyfrieds until we make our next big heist. As for Annabel Francis, if she loves Hayden enough to come back to the con world, then I will take her in. If she loves her life more than Hayden, then… well, she can stay here.”

There was a long moment of silence that Rainer took to consider. He winced a little at the pain his wounded shoulder caused him, but still hunched over his knees, refusing to look at me, at anything other than the files opened on his bed. It was the hundred files that I’d seen often while working on Dorian’s cases, and we’d been drawing up blanks. Well, the rest of the team had been drawing up blanks while I wrecked my head to think of how to twist FBI rules to make my ‘discoveries’ not suspicious.

I guess the guy needed some time to think about things, considering my sudden appearance. Silently, I withdrew a card from my little bag and scribbled something on its surface before I left it on his table.

“I’ll leave you to think about things, Agent Clarke. We Seyfrieds may have been taught to hate FBI, but I know enough better than to play my hands with you guys unless I have to. I don’t want to bring more trouble; I just want Hayden. So before I decide to truly go on the offensive with your team of FBI agents, Agent Rainer Clarke, it is only fair that I give you a forewarning first.”

I picked up the visors again and replaced them on their usual spot, turning to walk away.

Of course, I couldn’t resist the dramatic effect of stopping at the door to say some last words.

“Take it from me, Rainer Clarke. You don’t want to mess with a Seyfried. I can do more than run, and I hope you keep that in mind.”

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I kept my eyes down low and refused to meet any gazes as I walked down the corridor. There could be any FBI agent lurking around in these corridors that I don’t recognize from days of being Annabel Francis. I knew better than to let my guard down.

Walking down different corridors to make sure that I wasn’t tailed, I took more unnecessary turns just to make sure that no one saw me suspicious at all, before I finally made for the lift lobby, regaining my self-confident posture. This way, no one would give the self-confident, no-nonsense woman at the lift lobby a second look.

There was no one at the lift lobby waiting for the lift with me, but there was no point in acting all flustered about it. I mean; taking lifts alone were nothing to be suspicious about. Contrary to popular beliefs, police officers and FBI agents do not get suspicious when they see a man or woman getting on a lift alone.

My newest ringtone –a jazzy tune that I’d caught on from Hayden’s wide collection of jazz –sounded as the lift bell chimed and I rummaged through my tiny bag searching for it. I cursed myself quietly at the mess I’d left there since the last time I used this bag. I was surprised to even find a receipt from my San Rodriguez days two years ago. I found a ticket stub from the London subway too; when I was pretty sure my last time in London was at least three years ago.

Still, I managed to fish my phone out just before the caller hung up.

“Yes?” I asked as I held the door open for the only passenger, a wheelchair-bound man to wheel himself out.

“Hays? Are you really sure you want to send Dorian away? He’s really sorry, and…” Jerlyn sounded really upset, but I knew my girlfriend tended to overreact on many things –on top of the fact that Jerlyn and Mabel were getting really familiar and smitten with my handsome, striking-faced and charismatic student.

Sometimes, I would never understand why Dorian hankered after me. Mabel could beat my charms, and Jerlyn was definitely ten times better in the ‘cute girl’ section. Dorian had the looks and character to get him a million girls if he put his mind to it. Dorian, when interested and aroused, could speak velvet words of honey to make women swoon. Dorian, with a physique that was trained in the aim to impress me, could change a million women’s mind about loyalty to their spouses at the thought of him naked.

And yet, he wanted the one woman who didn’t want him.

“He screwed up big time, okay? I don’t want to forgive him just yet. He refuses to see stupidity in his actions, and I can’t have him embarrassing me by having him still in NYC.” I replied as I got on the lift myself, tapping the button for the ground floor.

“But it’s not his fault, its Tyler’s persuading. You know Tyler’s really good at that…” I could place the exact face that Jerlyn was making towards the phone at the moment, but I wasn’t bothered at all at that thought.

“Well, I once had a man who could stand by me and reply Tyler’s persuading with nothing but more acidic responses. He could take on Tyler on his own even without my help. If there’s one who can do it, then Dorian should be able to.” I spoke sternly back in reply, studying my reflection on the metal doors of the lift. I was frowning hard, and while my eyes were hidden behind dark visors, I could see some frown lines coming up. God, I hated that.

“Darling, Dorian’s new and not Neal.” Mabel’s voice came from a distance, and it didn’t take a genius to figure that Jerlyn had the call on speaker.

“Well, he’d better start learning. I should never have allowed him here in NYC. I thought it would be good exposure for him to start picking up the real skills. Maybe he’s not ready for the real con world yet.” I replied as I tried my best to stop frowning, trying to rub out the frown lines on my face.

“Maybe you’re not ready to let him go just yet? We’ve been working with him these past weeks, and we see that he really, really just wants to help you. Yes, so what if he made a mistake? You should make him stay and clean up his own mess!” Jerlyn seemed desperate, and it was easy to guess that she just wanted him. Why was I even listening to this?

“The problem is, Jerlyn, that the mess he made concerns me and Hayden. He knew that I won’t ever screw up with this, and he had to do it for me. He directly disobeyed me, and he will stay away until my anger is simmered.” I replied with finality in my tone, just as the lift reached ground floor.

I do my best to betray no emotions as the door opened to reveal Agent Ryan and Yuri waiting for the lift. Sending them a polite smile, I brushed by them as I walked out the lift, pretending to be busy on my phone call. Of course, I couldn’t resist sliding my famous cards down their coat pockets.

“Well, you didn’t exactly tell him that he couldn’t shoot Rainer.” Jerlyn dawdled, and I rolled my eyes before I realized she couldn’t even see.

“He knows that Seyfrieds hate guns and shooting –much less at FBI. I told him to stay off Rainer –Rainer was my target.”

“He’s not dead, so he still is your target, right?”

“Not exactly. I’ve got fresh news. I’ll tell you when I get back. Are you camping out at my house?”

“Yup! Jeremy told us where he hid the copies to your keys. He’s really cool, by the way. Is it true he pick locked his way into your room?”

I couldn’t help my distant smile. Trust Jeremy to still be boasting about it, even while on the hospital bed. The smile faded away quickly, though, at the remembrance of his words to me. I knew Jeremy was just trying to get me to give up take care of him, but his words hurt. I knew he was just trying to help me help Hayden –to help me get back on track –but his words got deeper into me than I imagined

“Yeah, that’s true. Stay there, I’m coming home.”

“Alright! Do I have to call Hayden over? I can see him from the balcony here!” Jerlyn must have brought the phone out to the balcony with her, for I heard the distant sound of cars roaring past.

“There’s no need. It’ll just be us girls.”

Silence, except for the sound of cars passing answered me.

“Hello? Jerlyn?”

“Huh? Oh, you’re still on the line? I’m sorry… I… uh…” Jerlyn hesitated, sounding put out and shy –which was something that didn’t happen often.

“What’s happening?” I asked as I walked out of the building, breathing in a breath of fresh air –a clean change from the smell of antiseptic in the hospital itself.

“Hayden’s getting pretty comfy with a girl on his bed, and he doesn’t seem interested in drawing the curtains just yet. Get in here, Jerlyn, and draw the curtains.” Mabel’s voice replied, and I heard shuffling as I could only assume Jerlyn being dragged into the house, then the sounds of the curtains being pulled close.

“Well, we’ll be waiting for you.” Mabel’s no-nonsense voice came as the final conversation ender, and we hung up just as I decided that grabbing a quick bite would be a good choice, considering I had skipped lunch.

I was close to the end of the street, my coat pushing away the cold, my bag slung happily beside me, before I was stopped by a calling of my name.

I stopped, but didn’t turn around until I heard my name again.

It was that voice.

That voice, calling my name. My true name. My nickname.

“Hays, please, stop! Hays!” He called, and I obeyed. I waited till his voice was closer, until I was sure he was there, right behind me. I refused to turn around. I just… didn’t want to face him. I knew his voice –I would recognize it anywhere. But…

“Turn around, Hayley. Face me. We need to talk.” He said, but I refused. The emotions were threatening to rise up above me, but I pushed them down with much force and effort. I had let him go… I knew how to deal with this.

“Seven years due.” I vocalized clearly, glad that I still sounded firm and confident of myself. I sounded like the con Hayley Seyfried. I sounded like the Hayley Seyfried that was on The Circle. I wasn’t the weak, vulnerable and emotional Hayley.

“I know… it’s my fault for leaving. But we really need to talk. You’re in trouble.”

“A con is always in trouble.” I still refused to turn around.

If I turned around, who would I see? What would I see? Would he be standing there, perfectly smiling at me with his perfect face? Would his eyes shoot through me and make me lose my heart again? I had more to lose this time; not only Hayden. I had Jeremy to lose –Jeremy, whom I’d promised to take care. I had Dorian to lose –much as I’d pretended to give up on him.

“Big trouble.” He corrected. “Please, turn around.”

I shook my head obviously enough so he could see from behind.

“You left me seven years without contact. I’ve finally only just gotten over you. You shouldn’t be back, begging to talk.”

“I know I’m in no position to ask anything from you, but please. Just please look at me.” He begged, and I just couldn’t keep my resistance against him.

I force the tears back in my eyes, took of my visors, and turned around.

He sat there, more broken than I would ever think.

He sat there, no use of his legs.

He sat there, one arm gone.

He sat there, the Neal Kris I once loved.