As much as I try to deny it, I am desperately longing to feel safe again. Ever since my father left this world, I haven't truly felt safe. It's difficult to express in words what's inside my heart because it's not just a thought—it's a feeling, and feelings are much harder to describe. I didn't plan on explaining this, but here we go.

Look, when my father was alive, his presence was a source of security and stability. His love and protection created a safe haven for me. Losing him shattered that sense of security, leaving me vulnerable and exposed.

Since he passed away, I've felt like I'm floating in a stormy sea, searching for something solid to hold onto. Every day, I feel like there's no safe haven for me anymore. No place on earth can bring a sense of security to my heart.

It's a deep, aching void that happiness alone can't fill.

I miss the feeling of being safe more than anything else. It's not just a physical safety, but an emotional one too. The comfort of knowing someone has your back, the assurance that you're not facing life's challenges alone—that's what I crave. Without it, happiness feels fleeting and superficial, like a temporary distraction from a deeper, unresolved longing.

It's hard to explain this to others but for me, safety is the foundation upon which happiness is built. Without that foundation, everything else feels unstable. It's like living in a house without walls, where every gust of wind and every drop of rain penetrates my very soul. In such a state, how can happiness possibly find a place?

I often wonder how I can ever feel happy when I don't feel safe where I can freely experience my emotions without fear. I don't feel safe to feel any feelings, let alone the most elusive and fragile of them all—happiness.

Happiness feels like a distant, abstract concept to me. I can't remember how it feels to be happy when I'm not feeling it. That's why I often think of happiness as a pseudo-feeling, an illusion that's difficult to grasp and impossible to hold onto. It's not that I don't want to be happy—I do, desperately—but it's as if my heart has forgotten the way to that emotion.

I've tried countless times to recreate the feeling of happiness, to summon it back from the depths of my memories. I think about moments that should have made me happy but no matter how hard I try to remember, the feeling itself remains elusive. It's like trying to hold water in my hands; it slips through my fingers every time.

This struggle makes happiness feel even more pseudo to me. It's something I know I've experienced, yet it's so intangible that I can't replicate it at will. Unlike sadness or fear, which have distinct sensations and triggers, happiness seems to fade into the background, becoming a distant echo that I can barely hear.

The irony is that the harder I try to chase happiness, the more it eludes me. It's as if the very act of seeking it out drives it further away. In my search for happiness, I find myself feeling more disconnected and disheartened, as if the pursuit itself is a reminder of what I lack.

I've come to realize that happiness can't be forced or fabricated. It's not something that can be summoned on command. Instead, it comes in fleeting moments, often when we least expect it. It's found in the quiet, unplanned instances—a genuine smile, a kind word, a moment of peace. These are the glimpses of happiness that I hold onto, however brief they may be.

But to truly embrace those moments, I need to feel safe. I need to rebuild that sense of security that allows me to let my guard down, to be vulnerable to the full spectrum of my emotions. Until then, happiness remains a fragile, fleeting thing, slipping through my grasp every time I reach for it.

I know life isn't always about being happy, and I'm okay with that. I understand that happiness is an emotion that comes and goes. But safety—that's something more enduring, something that grounds you and gives you the strength to face whatever comes your way.

In my search for safety, I'm still trying to piece together the fragments of security that were shattered when my father died. I hope I find a glimpse of the peace and stability that my heart so desperately yearns for. And maybe, just maybe, that's enough to keep me going.