LIBBY

***

I liked marriage so far.

I loved the feel of the ring on my finger, I love the sound it makes when it hits against a mug or a glass. I love the feel of Jasper's when he holds my hand. I love the feeling of loving someone so much that you feel like you have to declare it to the world.

What I didn't love, though, was the crushing guilt of getting married here and not in front of my family. Yes, fine, we'd have a bigger party when we got home with all of our friends. But I knew my mum would be completely crushed when we got home.

But Jasper and I agreed we didn't want to hide it this time. He said he when he proposed in January, he didn't know why he did it, when he felt like he was doing it for the first time in front of the family back in April. So this time he wanted to come straight out and say it, and I had to say I agreed with him. Although it was nice to have a little secret to ourselves, I didn't see the benefit of keeping it for all that time.

It had been three days since we got married, and we were due to fly home in three weeks. So I was starting to wonder if I should call my parents and tell them now. If I told them now, it would give them three weeks to calm down before I got home. If I told them now I would find it easier to handle the shouting rather than if the shouting was happening live. I knew my parents would flip, but I was just hoping they would understand our side of the argument.

Today, though, was Jasper's last day of the Seattle book tour. And he was, in his words, fucking relieved. We were due to drive down to the airport at three today, then fly out to New York, which is officially where the tour was ending. He'd made sure it ended there because he wanted to stay with Jules and Paul, as all his stuff was there. But I wanted to see them too, as I hadn't seen them since Christmas. I loved going there because I loved hearing about their childhood stories. And as a bonus, because he'll be out all day, I can hear as many childhood stories as I want.

As I turn around in bed, turning to face my husband, the question of telling my parents comes over me again, and I find myself chewing my lip.

"Baby, don't worry about it," Jasper says, his voice husky with sleep. He hasn't even opened his eyes.

"I do worry about it though." I'd been lying awake practically all night worrying about it for the last three days. "I'm going to ring her."

I turn around and start to get out of bed, but I feel an arm go around my waist, keeping me back. I kiss his lips briefly before kissing his cheek, his shoulder and then his lips again, but then I pull away, pulling the sheet with me as I go to our balcony for some relative privacy.

It's about four in the afternoon now, but I seem to remember that Mum had today off.

I dial her number, putting my phone to my ear. It rings and rings and rings for ages, before I hang up and try again. Again it just rings out, so I'm thinking maybe I got my days wrong, and that she was working.

I hear the balcony door open and I look up to see Jasper, scratching his head as he wipes the sleep from his eyes. He sits in the chair next to me, in nothing but his boxers, and encourages me to put my feet in his lap. I do so as I continue to listen to Mum's phone ringing out.

"She not picking up?" He asks quietly, massaging my foot as he speaks.

I shake my head and turn my mouth into a line. I try one more time and finally after seven or eight rings, she picks up.

"Hello?" She sounds out of breath.

"Hey Mum, it's me." I chirp into the phone.

"Oh hi Libby! I was wondering how you were getting on," she laughs. "Was that you that just tried to ring?"

"Yeah, sorry. I haven't woken you up have I?" I ask, cupping my mouth. Maybe I had got the time wrong.

"No, no. I was just in the garden. Your dad's bought loads of new flowers for the border so I'm just planting them before they get scorched by the sun. It's due to hit forty this week."

"Forty? Christ... it's barely thirty here and even that feels unbearable."

Jasper looks at me confused. To him, thirty degrees is freezing. Americans and Fahrenheit. I roll my eyes.

"Is everything okay though Libby?"

I look at Jasper again and he takes my hand.

"Yeah, everything's fine. I just... I needed to tell you something."

"Oh! Okay... hang on I'll call for your dad." Before I can protest she calls out for him and I hear him calling faintly in the background.

"Shit," I say it under my breath but of course Jasper hears it. He drops my feet and then pulls my other hand, encouraging me to climb onto his lap.

I do so and get myself comfortable, chewing my thumbnail as I wait for Mum and Dad to get back on the phone. I wish I hadn't rung them now.

When they finally do get back on, they're arguing over why Dad put the purple crocuses next to the yellow ones and I have to roll my eyes. I don't think Jasper and I will ever argue about things like that. And it's a typical thing for my parents to argue about as well. It's not the first time Dad's got crocuses wrong.

"Sorry, love. What did you want to tell us?"

"Erm," I say, suddenly losing my nerve. I don't know how to tell them. "Erm..."

"Libby?" Dad asks. "Are you okay?" His voice sounds really concerned as I continue my silence. "Libby? Have we been disconnected?" He asks Mum and Jasper leans forward and takes the phone from me and puts it on speaker.

"We're here. Erm, we didn't really know how to tell you this... but erm." Even he's stammering now. "We erm... we got married."

He gets it out and the world goes into free fall as we wait for any kind of reaction from either of my parents. I know better than to rush them in answering, so I look at Jasper, who is chewing his lip. He's wondering whether to say anything but I shake my head.

"You got married?" Mum asks, her voice frighteningly level. It's the voice she gets when she's trying to be civil around people that aren't family. But I know better.

"Yes." I answer, knowing what mood she's in. "Three days ago." I wince as I hear her blow air quickly out of her nose.

"I'm so so-" I'm cut off when the line goes dead.

That had been so much worse than I was imagining.

***

I tried Mum again the next day, and the day after, until finally, about two weeks later, Dad finally picks up the phone. Jasper has been out all day, due back shortly, but I decided to ring now, instead of waiting for him. It's my mum, my parents...

"She's very disappointed Libby. She just doesn't understand why you guys decided to just up and get married when you'd been looking to get married here." He sighs. "She'd been making some of the plans while you were away, and she was disappointed you just didn't think to tell her."

"Even I didn't know, Dad." Before he can say anything else I get my piece over and done with. "But, Dad we're still going to have the ceremony at home. And no one else needs to know, if you don't want them to. We just... we just decided to do it. We just wanted to. We'd been apart for so long, it just... felt right?"

There's a long pause from the other end of the line and I'm starting to think they'd hung up on me again when I hear Mum's voice come through. The sound of it is sad, but I can tell she's trying her hardest to be happy, and that tips me over the edge.

"Did you... Did you wear a white dress?" She asks, and I cough out a sob as I laugh at the most ridiculous question she could ask.

"Of course I did, Mum." I put her on speaker for a moment and I send her a picture that Lori took. "I wore a white dress, I had flowers, and Jasper wore a bow tie."

"A bow tie?" She cries even more.

"But we're going to do it all again, Mum. Jasper's promised. I want to get up in front of all my friends and tell everyone how much he means to me. I just... I'm sorry I couldn't wait any longer to do it officially. It just felt..."

"Right."

I nod even though she can't see.

"He asked, and I just didn't want to wait anymore. I couldn't wait."

She sniffs.

"I'm so sorry Mum. And Jasper is too."

She sniffs again. "Well, I can't say I'm happy about it, Libby. But there isn't anything I can do about it now. But if you are still having a ceremony here, then we'll say no more about it okay."

I cup my mouth and try to stifle the sob that comes out of it. "We wanted to tell you. But Mum... if you want us to-"

"No, it's okay. I don't want you guys to hide who you are."

I found myself sinking in relief as she says so. I didn't really want to have to do that, but we would have done if she wanted us to. "Thank you, Mum. And I'm so sorry."

"Stop apologising, Lib. Now... when are you guys back?" She asks, changing the subject.

Just as she says that, I hear keys in the door and Jasper comes in. He looks exhausted but when he sees me sat near the window his eyes brighten and he comes over to kiss my head.

"One sec, Mum. Jasper's just home."

I cup my phone and tell him it's Mum and he smiles wider.

"Tell her I say hi," he says quietly. "I'm just going to get a shower." I nod and he kisses my head again.

"Sorry. What was the question?" I ask, uncupping my hand. "Oh when are we back? Erm, we flight out on Thursday next week."

"Okay great. Do you need someone to pick you up?"

I shrug. "Not necessarily. We don't want to put you guys out." I chuckle, "I suppose I could finally get Jasper on the tube?"

He'd flat out refused to get on the tube when he came to see me at Christmas last year, so I was determined to get him on it sooner rather than later.

"Okay, yeah. That would be great. Your dad is away at golf and I think I'll be working. Rob and Dylan are in Monaco at the moment, at the Grand Prix. Does he know?"

"Yeah he sent me a picture. No not yet, but he's the next phone call I'm making." I was actually quite surprised she hadn't told him. "When's the race?"

"It's later today. Maybe wait till tomorrow. I don't think he'll even pick up his phone today." Dylan was racing today as well, so I bet he was nervous for both reasons.

"Okay. Hey Mum, do you mind if I call you back?"

Jasper didn't seem like himself when he came in the door and I feel like he wants to get something off his chest. "I'm just going to go check on Jasper." I smile as I hear her sigh. "He says hi by the way."

"Honestly, you two are no ordinary couple."

I giggle as I stand up, my back clicking from being sat in the same position for practically two hours. "I know," I roll my eyes. "I love you, Mum. And I'm so sorry."

"Darling, I forgive you." He sighs. "Just don't do it again," she says, joking.

"Definitely not. Bye Mum," I say, hanging up after she's said it back. I then put my phone in my pocket and go off in search of Jasper.

When I go up to the room, I find our door slightly open and when I open it wider, I smile. He's obviously exhausted. He's started to get ready for a shower and he's fallen asleep. His jeans are unbuttoned, one shoe is off and he's managed to get his shirt off at least. But the rest he'd abandoned.

I chuckle quietly to myself as I walk forward to remove his other shoe and cover him slightly with the blanket. As I do so, he smiles in his sleep and mumbles something. I'd never heard him talk in his sleep, so he must have been tired. But as I try to move him up the bed, his words become a bit more intelligible.

"Thank you..." he mumbles sleepily. I'm starting to think maybe he's awake, saying thank you to me, but then he says something else. "Thank you Benny..." he says with a deeper smile and he sighs.

I cup my mouth. He's talking to Benny in his dream, and I can't help the tears that come to my eyes as I lean down and kiss his head.

He moves slightly at my touch but doesn't wake, so I leave him for a little while before coming back up to join him. It's only about eight, and I haven't had dinner yet, so I'd grab something from downstairs with Jules and Paul.

"You okay, sweetie?" Jules asks as I come in the kitchen. I'm still wiping at my eyes as I pad over to her. She opens her arm, encouraging me to sit next to her.

"Yeah. Sorry. I just..." I look towards the door. "I just heard Jasper talking in his sleep. And he said 'thank you Benny'," I smile, dabbing at my eyes.

Jules looks at Paul and smiles. I could only imagine why she was smiling but when she stands and puts both her arms around me, hugging me, I have a feeling. Paul comes around the counter and hugs me too.

"Guys?" I ask, not moving.

"Sorry, darling." Jules pulls back slightly. "I just... seeing him so happy and so different. It makes us so happy," she says, dabbing at her own eyes. "You've made him and us so happy."

"But why is he thanking Benny?" I ask, smiling.

"Did he tell you that he dreams of him every night?"

I nod. He'd told me all about his dreams on the first night he'd told me he loved me. And I'd seen him have dreams before where he thrashes in the sheets so much that I have to wake him up. He'd said he dreams of what Benny will never experience. He dreams of weddings that Benny will never be able to attend, he dreams of the kids that Benny will never see. He dreams of a best man speech that Benny will never give. He'd told me that the dreams aren't exactly torturous, not nightmares, but that they torment him because he knows Benny will never see any of this. It makes him feel like he can't move on. But maybe today he's dreamed something else?

"He tells us about the dreams all the time." Paul comes and sits in the chair on my other side, placing a steaming hot cup of tea in front of me.

"He does?" He nods.

"Yeah, he always has. That boy, despite what people first think of him, is one of the strongest people I have ever met."

I did know that. Since day one I've known that. He's so caring and passionate as well, and he certainly felt and experienced every emotion, that's for sure. But his strength is what drew me to him. I didn't realise what it was to start with, not until he told me about Benny, but now I see how he uses that strength to be the person he is today. For someone to lose that much, to lose a friend as close Benny was, it's a lot. And although Jasper handled it badly to start with, he's turned it around. And he's most definitely a man that Benny would be proud of.

"I'm happy he found you."

I smile and wipe my eyes again as the thoughts of Benny and Jasper all cloud my mind.

"I don't even know how it all happened."

"I do. He rang me after he met you."

"He what?"

She nods. "I think it was during the first or second week back? But he rang me in a panic, asking what he should do."

"What did he say?"

"He said he'd met an angel." My eyes widen at his words, as I'd heard him call me that before. "I thought he'd gone mad, that you weren't real."

I laugh. I kept thinking that to myself at the start of our relationship. It was all moving so fast that I didn't think how I was feeling could be real. I'd known him a couple of days and I already felt like I'd known him my whole life somehow, and that he knew me. That one look at the airport, that one kiss in my flat and we were each other's everything.

"But then when I saw him that weekend in Charlotte, just before we moved here, I could see how much of a difference you'd made. He was smiling, he was talking, he was... he was so happy. He showed us pictures of you guys, told us all about you, and we knew then that he was finally starting to live. He'd been holding himself back forever because he'd blamed himself for not being there for Benny. Even though I know Benny didn't think that, he believed it anyway and he turned himself against all the people that were trying to help him."

I knew that too. He reacted to his parents, to me, to his friends... everyone. He didn't want to believe that he could be better.

"But then with you... I don't know, he just stopped beating himself up. And we were so happy. And then when he told us he'd proposed." Paul smiles at Jules and I can see how proud they are of him. "Jasper's basically a son to us, as he's been around us since he was four months old. And it is a joy to see him living and experiencing life as he should have done... and we just wanted to say thank you as well."

So many people in Jasper's life had been thanking me but I genuinely don't think it's me that's done anything. All I'd done was love him for who he is; he'd changed all by himself. I just happened to be there.

"I never knew him when he was like that though. I mean, I saw him snap a few times, but he's always been this person for me. I love him because his heart is huge. It's so big and full of so many things I love about him. He's funny, he's protective, he's passionate, he's thoughtful..." I trail off because there are too so many to list. "It's so big and full of love, and I just want to be there to watch him become the man I know he can be. He deserves so much from the world, after the world has taken so much from him... and I just want to make him happy. That's all I've ever wanted."

Paul and Jules look behind me and I hear a floorboard creak. I turn around and Jasper is standing in the doorway. He's wrapped in the blanket I'd put over him. He has tears in his eyes as he walks over to me and kisses the side of my head.

"How long have you been standing there?" I ask, my cheeks heating from him potentially hearing our entire conversation.

"Long enough," he mumbles into my cheek, kissing me again. "Long enough to realise just how lucky I am that I found you."

Paul smiles as he stands. Jasper takes his seat and pulls one of my hands into his lap.

"You guys hungry?" Paul asks, getting the takeaway menus out of the drawer.

Jasper eyes light up. "Starving."

***

After Mum forgave me, I finally felt relaxed. I could finally sit and enjoy being married at twenty-two, knowing our whole lives were ahead of us.

Jasper has one more day left of his tour, so I decided surprise him on his last day. He didn't know I was coming to see him, and I was hoping it would be a good surprise.

I'd seen the exhibitions where he'd been book signing in Seattle, but here in New York was something else. This was nearly four times the size, and as I entered the hall in which Jasper was signing, I could already see his line was extremely long. I knew his readership was okay, as he'd told me every day there were always 'a few' people there. But this was loads. The line was snaking around, so I grabbed a book and joined the back of the queue and waited.

I watched him smile at all the people he spoke to, I watched him accept the congratulations when people notice his ring, I watched him smile wider and wider, my heart swelling, watching him in his element. And as the line got shorter and shorter, I realised he was taking pictures with people. He begrudgingly did it when I surprised him in Seattle, but I think that was only because I was the one taking the picture. He hates having his photo taken, and from the photo album I have as evidence of that, he preferred to take pictures than be in them.

But when I get to the front, he looks up and his eyes light up when he sees me. He finishes signing and taking a picture with the person in front but as soon as it's my turn, he gets up. He jumps over his table, and laughs loudly as he picks me up, spins me, kissing my neck. And as he places me gently back down on the floor, he kisses me, much to the delight of everyone around us.

"Sorry," he says, his cheeks looking a little red as he pulls away and waves sheepishly. "This fan is actually my wife," he chuckles and I give a wave too as he pulls me behind the table next to him. Everyone laughs and asks me questions as well as him when the line restarts.

"What made you decide to come today?" He asks, putting his hand over mine briefly before the next person comes up.

"It's your last day. So I wanted to surprise you," I shrug. It wasn't much of one, but I know these days are always long for him, so I figured I'd try to help pass an afternoon for him. "Plus I wanted to see what all the fuss was about at these New York press halls."

"Well, consider me surprised." He leans over and kisses my nose.

"You're very cute," we hear a small, childlike voice from behind the table. He belongs to the woman standing in front of Jasper, who is smiling excitedly.

"I'm sorry," she apologises and grabs the boy up to sit on her hip.

"That's okay. What's your name bud?" Jasper asks, looking up at him.

"Benny," he answers, and my heart stops.

Jasper looks up at him properly, and he looks utterly shocked. But then a few seconds later he recovers and clears his throat. "I think that's a great name, bud. You know... Benny is the name of my best friend."

The boy shyly puts his head on his mum's shoulder and puts his thumb in his mouth.

"Can... can I be your best friend?" He asks, smiling from his mum to us and then back at his mum.

"Benny, no, I don't think..." she trails off when she sees the size of Jasper's smile.

"Of course you can," Jasper stands and goes round the table to offer Benny his fist to bump. He is being unbelievably sweet with this little kid, and I find myself wondering suddenly what he'd be like with our kids, whenever they come along. "Shall we get a picture?" Jasper asks and Benny's head nods fast as he extends his arms to put around Jasper's neck.

Jasper doesn't even flinch when the boy does it, he just graciously accepts Benny into his arms and smiles, bouncing him up and down as we wait for his mum to take the picture.

"So what we saying on the camera flash? Do we say cheese? Or bananas? Or what?" Jasper asks, looking at Benny to say something.

"We say banana balloons!" He squeals, pointing upwards.

Jasper chuckles. "Banana balloons it is! Lib, you coming?"

I shake my head but then he walks round and gets me. It's a bit strange but his mum doesn't seem to mind, and neither do all the people still waiting in line. We stand and the lady takes the picture. I then ask if she wants one, so she smiles and takes my place. Jasper keeps smiling, and I really do notice a difference, even from two days ago.

He's lighter. He sleeps better, he doesn't swear as much, he's happier and he's brighter. Everything about him is just lighter and I love that he's finally beaten his demons. Although I love the bad boy in him that drives me crazy every night in bed, I love this man more than I'd ever thought possible. I love his strength, his emotions, his passion... everything. He's my everything, my partner, my rock. And if I'm as happy as I am in fifty years, let alone, five... I'll be the happiest girl alive.

When Benny and his mum leave the line, Jasper keeps smiling. In fact he's smiling so much by the end of the day that I'm surprised his cheeks don't hurt. He stays an hour later than he's supposed to, not wanting to let anyone down, so by the time we get to dinner it's about eight. We'd missed my planned reservation, but I didn't tell him. I didn't want to stop watching him smile the way he was smiling today.

Instead of dinner out, we grabbed some takeout and went back to Benny's parents, snuggling on the subway all the way back, his arm around me with my head on his shoulder. By the time we got back, we could barely keep our hands off each other, so we parked our dinner in favour of the bedroom.

The door's not even closed before he's pulling at my clothes and he's driving me wild, pushing me to newer heights as he drove me crazy.