Apparently, the human brain can remember up to ten thousand faces over the course of a lifetime, and we excel at recognizing pictures of familiar people even when they are disguised by poor lighting or shot at odd angles.

It's not possible, obviously, to remember all of their names.

That's not enough of an excuse I can use to placate my nerves today, though, because no matter how much I deny it, my mind is already secure in its belief that the face I saw at the train station is the same one I saw for seventeen whole years of my life without pause.

And needless to say, when the face and the name in question are of your first and only love, you will remember.

For the first time in all of the years that I have taught at this University, my voice wavers mid-lecture.

I can pinpoint the exact moment when the expressions on the students' faces change; a collage of varied levels of surprise and concern as I pause, breathe in and internally tell myself to get it together before I breathe out an apology.

"Sorry." Clearing my throat to avoid the risk of my voice breaking, I turn to look at the screen and raise a hand in its direction. "Anyways, as I was saying, reconstructing the early history of the solar system just by looking at the planets is... kind of like trying to determine the circumstances of human birth by merely looking at an adult." I let my hand drop to my side when I feel the first tremble go through my skin and flip to the next slide with the images of a comet and an asteroid side by side. "So what we do, is turn to the surviving remnants of the creation process instead."

No light jokes, witty remarks, or following low chuckles today. Everyone listens attentively but in cutting silence, and I hate the very tiny hitch that I had in my breath barely a minute ago even more.

Desperate to not make it worse, I turn to the class and continue. "Just a quick rundown of the difference between asteroids and comets before we move on with the former subject — they not only look different but also have different compositions." Holding both my palms out at a distance from each other to denote separate objects, I raise one up slightly. "Asteroid? Metal and rocky material." The other hand does the same. "Comet? Rocky material as well, but also ice, dust, and hydrocarbons."

A student in the back — Aquila Merck, I mentally check off — raises her hand. I gesture to her to go ahead with whatever she wants to say, trying not to heave a sigh of pure relief.

"Is that why comets lose material with each orbit?"

"Yes, the closer they get to the Sun, the faster their ice melts and vaporizes," I explain, distantly reminding myself that my class for the year has some of the most active students in the University so far. Most of the other professors aren't exactly this fortunate. Which is precisely why I need to get back in my element. And quickly. "And asteroids are much, much bigger in size, by the way. I'm pretty sure everyone in this room knows that an asteroid impact is evidenced to be the main culprit behind why dinosaurs went extinct."

I wait for everyone's response before moving forward. They look like they get it, so I just set my palms on the desk and ask, "Any questions so far?"

Several shakes of head prompt me to continue.

"Alright, then. Asteroids," I start, glad that my mind has managed to rearrange its priorities before I could ruin the purpose of this entire lecture, and flip onto the slide with the Hubble image of the asteroid belt. I trace the circle between Mars and Jupiter with the pointer. "See that space right here? That's where most of them are found."

"The asteroid belt."

I nod at the words without looking back and repeat. "The asteroid belt. So the asteroids that stray far outside the main belt are of interest to us — people who, you know, study space." I look back at everyone and add, "But the ones that come inward, like close to the orbit of the Earth or cross it, are of interest to... well, everyone alive on Earth." I take a pause to let the information sink in. "A... fun way to put it, I suppose, would be to say that the former, we study. But the latter, we worry about."

The short outbreak of laughter that follows my words puts the last few traces of restlessness inside my chest to ease. For now.

"Although, I don't know how much 'fun' it would be to know that in 2013, a small asteroid did hit our planet and its impact was so big that it caused an explosion that went about eighteen miles high and with the energy of five hundred kilotons."

A few gasps and murmurs arise after that, but they're immediately drowned by the questions that start popping up.

"Uh, how small is a 'small' asteroid exactly, Ms. Ren?"

I tilt my head to one side and try to recall the tiny detail. "Right now we're talking about twenty meters."

"Where was this?"

"Chelyabinsk. In Russia."

"Did it not... hurt anyone?"

I walk around the desk and lean back against it with my legs crossed. "See, not the asteroid itself, but... when the blast wave from the explosion reached the town, it blew out the windows of the buildings nearby. And that injured people. About fifteen hundred of them had to seek medical attention because of the shattered glass."

"Oh, my God. Does that not, like, put us at risk from these things?"

"Well, yeah. Absolutely. I mean, we will probably need to defend ourselves against an asteroid impact someday and if we do find one on a collision course with us, we would definitely need to deflect it." I raise my eyebrows in question. "Any theories on how we'll manage that?"

Aaron, ever the master of getting everyone to laugh in class, replies, "Uh... I don't know. Throw something at it?"

The snickers that arise die less quickly this time.

"It really does get me into a tizzy how your answers are never completely wrong," I tell him after everyone's attention is back on me, and he ducks his head with a huff of laughter. "The most straightforward way we have here is to crash a spacecraft into it. Or exploding a nuclear bomb near the asteroid to nudge it off course."

A low whistle from the back echoes through the room.

"Before that though, we have another fundamental problem, which is the reason behind the increasing interest in the problem of asteroid impacts. Discovering Near-Earth Asteroids in time for defensive measures —"

"Gotta find the big, bad rock before it finds us."

"— yes, thank you, Mr. Coleman. Your ability to put everything I say in layman's terms always sprinkles my lectures with joy indeed."

I kept my tone purposely vacant so it wouldn't give away how I seem to have a soft spot for this kid in particular, but his answering grin tells me I haven't done a very good job at hiding it.

Fighting the urge to fondly roll my eyes, I go on. "Moving on, the first step in protecting Earth from future impacts by objects like this, of course, is to learn what potential impactors are out there, so in 1988, NASA began the Spaceguard Survey, with the goal to discover and track..."

It's a blur from there.

Although not with good grace, I still manage to conclude the lecture and put an end to the topic for the day somehow, hollowly asking everyone to read up on NEOs for our next class before they start leaving.

Only when the room has completely emptied do I find myself sitting behind my desk with my head in my hands, every single thought about the train ride this morning that I pushed away returning like a rubber band snapping back to its original size.

It feels as if a part of my brain that had switched itself off over time after being left disregarded too long is turning itself back on in full force and it aches, aches, aches like I'm a dead flower being pried open in empty hopes of rebloom.

Somewhere inside the back of my head a box that was locked, chained and thrown into the deep sea resurfaces and flies open, and hordes of comatose memories come alive and swimming at me from all directions.

"How could you not know that I feel the same?" The words are a faint whisper against my temple, the phantom touch of the smile pressed to my skin searing me from the inside. "I have loved you my entire life."

I'm pulled into a bottomless ocean of images from there — the muffled sound of two boys laughing and shouting wishes at the sky echoing in the dense space around me. The warmth between their interlaced fingers caresses me like the gentlest of burns, and the flash from the spark in their eyes that shine brighter than all the stars in the universe combined leaves me blind to the fact that it's all gone.

Except I didn't have to see them to know that they're beautiful; so, so devastatingly breathtaking together against the backdrop of the cold, cruel world that would soon rip them apart for no other reason than its own spite.

"Professor Ren?"

The screen is shattered.

When just raising my head doesn't bring my eyes back into focus, I blink several times and find the empty desks in front of me mocking the noise inside my head. My hands fall away from my face when I look at the door.

I don't know what kind of expression I'm wearing on my face, but it can't be good from the way the usually alight eyes of the student in front of me regard me with distress.

Aaron clutches the papers in his hands closer to his chest and takes a single, hesitant step inside, and barely manages to get the question out. "I — Is... a-are you feeling okay?"

I nod even though this is the most not okay I have been in a long, long while, and point at the pile of papers he's holding. "Your assignment?"

That seems to remind him what he's here for, and he takes another step forward, still hesitant, and then another until the papers in his hands are within reach to me when he meekly holds them out. "Yes, I... Yeah. Um. Thank you for giving me an extension."

With another faraway nod, I take the stapled documents from him and skim through the first two pages. "Okay." I look up and try to muster up a smile. "You're welcome."

He fiddles with a loose thread in the sleeve of his jacket, looking like there's more that he wants to say but can't quite find the words. It's a few more seconds of patience on my side before his uncharacteristically wavering gaze meets mine.

"Sorry," he mumbles, eyes falling to the floor again. "I'm really sorry if I've been giving you a hard time during lectures and stuff. I — I'll stop."

Tilting my head to one side, I feel that very specific, warm emotion that's behind why I decided to become a teacher in the first place rise back to the surface. "Are you apologizing for... staying engaged in class?"

A smile, small and tentative, makes its way to the corner of his lips.

Seeing as he's already going back to his usual self, I playfully roll my eyes and keep his assignment nearly on top of my journal. "It doesn't bother me. As long as you're paying attention, it's fine." He still isn't looking at me, but he doesn't look like he's woven himself tight from the inside anymore. So I point at the door. "Next class. Out. I'm not taking responsibility if you're late."

He takes a step back, breathing out a barely-there laugh through his nose, and throws me a two-fingered salute. "Yes, ma'am."

It's only when he has turned around that I find myself calling him back.

"Hey, kid?"

He turns to me with a question in his eyes, fingers clutching the strap of his bag.

"Don't... lie next time, okay?" His expression sobers up at the words, and he opens his mouth, probably to give me another apology, but I shake my head and hold a hand up to stop him before he can. "Listen. Being too anxious to function is a perfectly valid reason to miss a few college deadlines."

It takes a few ticking moments for him to take in the words, but he nods. Eventually.

"So just say that next time. Okay?"

"Okay."

"Good. You can go now."

It's a gentle dismissal, one that he takes with a genuine smile and a parting nod.

A text from Meera keeps me from going back to mourning the loss of something that was always out of my hands, and I unlock my phone and hold it between my lightly trembling hands like it's my lifeline.

Did you not come in today ☹️

The lie always comes easier than the truth, so I just settle with a, Came in late. I switch my tab off and pile it above my journal and Aaron's assignment. She doesn't have to know that I was too shaken up to have a normal conversation with anyone this morning. I'll be down in five min tops. Have you eaten?

Not without you, comes the immediate response, followed by the eye roll emoji like it should have been an obvious fact. Maybe it is. I've always been a bit slow at recognizing how other people feel about me, though.

Which is probably why I have no idea what to say to that. So I double-check the desk to make sure I have everything that I brought with me before walking out of the class, and quietly make my way to her instead, ignoring the mess of dust and rubble that my head has turned into.

a/n

i completely lost track of this week but what else is new honestly

anyways, i've made slight changes in this chapter because the next chapter is going to be new. i already talked about how i had a Lot of new content to add to this book, and the chapter after this is where it's going to begin!

thank you so much for reading <3