Beth's POV

I'm not sure how long I've been sitting here for until I hear the bathroom door open and Nick comes in.

I quickly wipe at my cheeks but I can't hide the red rimmed and puffy eyes, blotchy cheeks and snuffly nose.

"Mum, what's wrong?" Nick immediately kneels down by my side.

"Nothing," I say, "I just hit my toe and it hurts."

"No you didn't," he replies, "come here," and he sits down next to me and puts his arm around my shoulders.

I rub my eyes with the palms of my hands and I feel like I've got a massive head cold.

"It's Harry isn't it?" Nick asks, "he left and you started crying."

"It's just a misunderstanding but..." I trail off.

"But it's Christmas Day," he says as he looks at me, his mouth drawn into a sad smile, "and you miss Dad."

He's very matter of fact about it really.

"Every day," I reply.

Wait.

There's been times I've thought about Heath when I've been with Harry, we've even talked about him briefly.

But there were also moments where I never gave him a thought.

It was all Harry.

There had never been a day in the past year I hadn't thought about him.

Until I met Harry.

"So do I," he says before he pauses, "what happened with Harry?"

I let out a sigh because it all happened so bloody quick I'm still not sure.

"I thought it might be best if we just had dinner together tonight, without Harry, and it upset him." I explain.

"Why was he upset?" Nick asks.

"He somehow thinks I didn't want him around...I don't quite know actually..." I reply as I'm still confused about it.

"Well why didn't you want him to stay?" he asks.

Nosy little bugger.

"Because I thought I was doing the right thing by you guys," I reply, "I didn't know how you would all be as it's been a year.  Maybe it's just me overthinking, I'm just trying to protect you all."

Am I wrong?

No.

Regardless if I'm right or wrong, Harry was still behaving like a irrationally.

I pat Nick on the knee.

"We should start getting the veggies ready to cook," I tell him as I stand up from the floor and he does the same.

"You okay mum?" he asks.

I nod my head and sniff.

"Give me a few minutes to clean up and I'll be down and we can start cooking okay?" I tell him.

"Come here and give me a hug," he says as he wraps his arms around my shoulders.

We stand there like that for a few moments as I rest my head on his shoulder as we hug.

"You're not getting snot on me are you mum?" he asks and I pull back to see him grinning at me.

I reach out to swat him on the arm but he ducks and runs out of the bathroom.

I sniff as I laugh so I'm kind of laughing and crying at the same time.

I turn around to the vanity and run some cold water into the basin and then splash the water onto my face.

I grab a towel and dry my face, looking into the mirror at my own reflection.

I study myself and wonder what Harry sees in me.

Nope.

I don't want to start analysing myself right now.

But maybe I am overthinking this and making it out to be bigger than it really is.

I certainly never set out to hurt Harry's feelings but he heard what he thought heard and wouldn't even listen to me try to explain.

Which is difficult in itself when I was already having trouble trying to put it into words in the first place.

Did he forget what today was?

What it means to us as a family?

I think of Harry and his gesture at the word 'family' and I cringe.

I shake my head to wake myself up and wipe my face down again.

Regardless, Harry cracked it with me and walked out like a child who wasn't allowed to get a lolly in a shop.

As much as it pains me to think it, I need to push him to the back of my mind and focus on my kids and not him at the moment.

I straighten myself up and take a deep breath in and let it out.

Focus Beth, focus.

I grab a hair tie off the counter and tie my hair up into a messy bun on the top of my head before pining up the loose ends.

Satisfied, I walk out the bathroom and down to the kitchen.

I walk in and I almost start to cry again.

Jamie is hard at work on the vegetables, peeling and chopping them up, Nick is whipping up something chocolatey in a bowl with the electric mixer and Chloe is concocting some sort of tropical fruit punch.

"Mummy!" Chloe yells out before hopping down off a stool, "we've got everything under control here," she puts her arm around my waist and guides me over to the other side of the kitchen bench and motions for me to sit on a bar stool.

"We might just need some help with the chicken though," Jamie says.

"Yeah, I'm not touching that," Chloe screws her nose up in disgust.

"Okay," I say as I sit and watch them, taking a piece of carrot and biting into it.

"Hey!" Jamie says, "leave some for dinner!"

"You need to eat everything I put on that plate for you!" Chloe says looking at me.

My god.

They're turning into me.

I smirk at her as she keeps adding lemonade to her fruity mix.

The electric mixer finally stops and the room becomes instantly quieter.

I watch as Nick actually takes control and puts the chicken into the roasting pan and into the oven.

"I wonder how our chicken is going?" Chloe says.

"Probably still going into the neighbour's place and eating their chickens' food," I say.

"And peeking into the windows," Chloe says.

Yes, we have a spy chicken.

"And the sheep," Jamie pipes up.

"Especially Floofy," Chloe says.

Floofy is our ram and the whitest, fluffiest sheep out of the bunch, you can spot him a mile away.

"Remember when we first got the sheep and some of them escaped and Dad, Nick and Jamie were trying to round them up on their motor bikes?" Chloe says.

"Yes," I reply, "and you ran out of fuel so he tried to chase them on the ride-on mower," I point to Nick laughing, "like you were gonna catch a sheep riding that!"

"And when we tried to catch yabbies in our dam and the dog ran past Dad and jumped on him and he fell in?" Jamie laughs.

"He was pissed at her!" Nick says.

I give him a pointed look.

"Uh...angry?  He was angry with her?" he clarifies himself.

"Oh!" Chloe says, "what about that time we had a bonfire in the backyard and some of the embers burnt a hole in the trampoline?"

"He could kick a footy though," Jamie says, "I miss that, there's no one to kick with me anymore," he sighs.

"Nick can kick with you," Chloe suggests.

"He's hopeless!" Jamie says before his eyes suddenly light up, "what about Harry?  He said he could!"

Oh.

I'm not sure now.

"Um...maybe," I shrug my shoulders.

"Hey Chloe," Nick says, "remember when Dad took all your One Direction posters down and told you he threw them into the bin?"

"Oh I was so angry!" Chloe says, "thank god he was lying!"

Yes.

That was how World War 3 almost started.

And that was how the afternoon went.

We reminisced about Heath as a dad and the memories the kids have of him.

Sometimes they were sad but most of the time we were in stitches with laughter.

Maybe I had worried for nothing.

Maybe they didn't need protecting.

But I'm not going to excuse myself or apologise for wanting that for them.

They're my babies and they're all I have.

And I'm all they have.

With everything now cooking we start the job of washing up.

Half an hour later the kitchen was tidy and the room was smelling amazing.

"I've an idea," I say, "why don't we go for another walk around outside?"

The kids agree and we grab our coats and put them on and walk outside.

We decide to explore the other side of the farm and there are lush, green pastures as far as the eye can see.  They're dotted with cows throughout as they casually graze.

Walking further down we see a set of stables and near them are a small group of horses.

"Ponies!" Chloe squeals with excitement.

Every year Chloe has asked Santa for a pony.

And every year Santa has disappointed her.

I am not looking after a goddamn horse.

I find the larger one's quite scary and dangerous myself.

Chloe bounds on over to them and one comes over to the fence and greets her.

"Oh he's beautiful mum!" she gushes as she pats him, "I want to ride him!"

"Like hell," I say, 'you've only ever ridden ponies or smaller horses, none this big."

Nope.

Not happening.

"But mum!" she starts to plead, her mouth shuddering, "please mummy!  I'll just die if I don't."

"You'll probably die if you do," I say, "what if it throws you off?  I ain't got time for that!"

She glares at me.

"You can admire it from afar thanks," I tell her.

I drag her away as we continue walking, finding various fruit trees, a small group of goats and a nearby pond that's home to a few ducks.

"We should probably head back now," I suggest and we turn around and walk back the way we came.

When we open the door, the room is toasty and warm and smells lovely.

Our mouths are simply watering.

After washing our hands, we begin to start getting pans out of the oven as I set Nick up to make the gravy.

Everything is put into serving dishes and taken to the table.

Chloe gets her fruit punch out and also puts it on the table.

"Looks good," I tell her, "can you set the table?"

We're just about finished getting everything ready.

Nick brings the gravy over in a jug and I place the chicken in the middle.

There's plates and glasses set up and we all take a seat.

I notice that Chloe has set another place at the head of the table and I look at her.

"It's for Daddy," she says, "if he was here...you know?" she looks down at her lap.

Oh my heart.

"I know darling," I say as I kiss her on the top of her head.

We start to dish up the food onto our plates and after an argument over who is having the drumsticks and wings, we're all happy.

More memories are shared and silly stories until we finish the main and tuck into dessert.

Soon I put my spoon in my empty bowl and sit back on my chair.

"I need elastic pants," I moan before we all laugh.

"I'm tired mum," Chloe yawns.

"I'll have to roll you into bed then," I say.

"Well, let's get this cleaned up then we can have an early night eh?" I say amid the groans of protest.

As we get up to clear the table away, I pull out my phone from my back pocket.

Nothing.

I bite my lip and sigh.

I don't know what to think now.

Nick walks past me and nudges me.

"He'll call," he whispers.

I shrug my shoulders.

"Maybe I made him really angry?" I say.

"Nah," Nick shakes his head.

We start washing up the dishes, which wasn't as much as the kids thought since we did some earlier.

Chloe is yawning her head off so I suggest her and Jamie go to bed as we've nearly finished.

I leave Nick to finish drying the few dishes as I go up and tuck the other two in.

Nick's POV

I dry the last pot and put it away and I can hear Chloe laughing about something upstairs. 

It's really quiet downstairs and out the corner of my eye I can see some lights shine through the window.   A car door slams and I can hear someone running over the gravel before they quickly knock on the front door.

I bet it's Harry.

I hope it's Harry.

I look out the window to check and I can see it is him.

I open the front door and he stands there, looking really worried.

"Hey Nick," he says, a small smile on his face, "I need to..."

But I cut him off.

"You made my mum cry," I tell him.

Harry goes to say something but stops himself.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to," he says.

"You know," I say and I stand in the doorway, not letting him in, "there are two things I can say about mum."

He doesn't say anything, he just nods his head to continue.

"One, she's the best mum in the whole world," I begin, "she always says being a parent is the hardest thing in the world and that she always tries her best but she knows she makes mistakes.  She says it's important to say you make mistakes and learn from them."

"She's right," Harry agrees.

"Two," I keep going, "my mum doesn't usually cry.  Well, she really only cries when she's angry, she never really cries when she's sad.  I mean, she cried a lot at night after Dad died and she thought we didn't know.  But she cried a lot today after you left."

Harry looks really guilty and almost like he's about to cry.

Good.

"Why did you make her cry Harry?" I ask.

Harry shakes his head.

"I didn't mean to, you have to believe me," he says, "that wasn't my intention at all.  I care about your mum a lot."

"Why didn't you call her today?" I ask.

"I don't know," he runs his hand through his hair, "I was being stupid..."

"Yep," I agree.

No argument here.

I do stupid a lot so I know what it looks like.

"I was wrong Nick, so very wrong," he says, "and I need to make it right."

"Today was really hard Harry but you made it harder," I say.

"I'm so, so sorry, you have no idea," he says.

Beth's POV

"Nick!  What are you doing?  It's freezing out there and you've got the door wide open!" I say as I walk down the stairs, wiping my eyes again after Chloe and Jamie got a little teary again.

But they're okay now after a few more hugs.

Nick pushes the door open wider and Harry is standing there.

I'm frozen to the spot as another tear falls down my cheek.

"Nick," my voice is croaky from crying, "why don't you go upstairs, you've done enough sweetheart."

He hugs me tightly before pulling away.

"You sure?" he asks and I nod that I am.

He gives Harry a rather pointed look before he goes upstairs.

"Beth," Harry starts and I just stand there and look at him as I wipe away another tear.

Fucking stop already!

"Can we put aside the fact that I'm the biggest dick around and deal with that later?" he asks, "can you just let me be here for you?  I know I wasn't and I have been a complete idiot, but I'm here now."

I don't know anymore.

I'm so overwhelmed and tired.

I wipe at my eyes and before I can try and put my thoughts into words, Harry walks through the door and pulls me to him and he hugs me tightly.

"I am so sorry baby," he whispers, "so, so sorry.  I can't begin to tell you how much..."

Normally I would push someone away, I don't often like being held when I'm upset.

But instead I return his hug and wrap my arms around him, clinging to him as I nestle closer into him.

Conversation can wait.

I need his comfort more than anything.

I need him.