"Anong feeling na mas makapal pa ang eyebags mo kesa sa papers na pipirmahan mo?"

Napaangat ang tingin ko kay Cybelle nang pumasok ito sa office ko. Kumunot ang noo ko pero hindi ko siya sinagot. I barely slept last night because of Dillion. I gestured her to put those what she's holding on my table.

"Girl, promise, ang kapal ng eyebags mo. Natulog ka ba?" I silently nod my head. 1 hour of sleep is still a sleep. "Okay, sabi mo, 'e. Gusto mo kape? Hoy, hindi ako sumisipsip, ha."

Mahina na lang akong tumawa saka umiling. Kaka-kape ko lang kanina. I just bought Kaya Toast so, I am not that hungry. My eyes hurts because I cried last night.

"If you need anything, my office is open." I smiled at her. Lumabas na rin siya pagkatapos no'n kaya napasandal ako sa upuan ko. I massaged my head, remembering what happened.

He didn't tell me what's his reason before. He just keeps saying sorry. Dahil do'n ay kailangan kong umalis. I cried in my unit. I was moving on already, so why do he have to make me think of those again?

Napabuntong hininga ako at inalis ang lahat ng iniisip sa utak ko. This is work time. I couldn't just let my personal problems affect my work. That's unprofessional.

I spent my whole morning with the papers, like my usual routine. Some employees would knock me to have their papers signed, or checked up. There was nothing unusual happened.

From: Kendric
lunch? it's been a while

I looked up, thinking of what to reply. I'm not in the mood to eat, but he's right. It's been a while. I still have works, though, but I can continue that later.

I just sent him the place. Since I already have car, it's not hassle for me to commute anymore. Hindi na ako maiinis kakaabang ng mga sasakyan.

"Hey!"

Nang pumasok ako sa loob, agad kong nakita si Kendric. He was sitting comfortably on the available chair. I hid the key on my pocket and walked towards him. He stand up and welcomed me with a hug. He even tapped my back. I just flashed a smile before sitting at his front.

"How are you? I heard you were promoted?" He raised a brow, he was sipping water on his glass.

"Ah, yeah," I answered him.

"Congrats. So, that means I'm going to have free lunch today." He smirked to tease me. I rolled my eyes but still let out a chuckle.

"Your mom."

"Kidding. It's my treat. You can order what you want." I silently obeyed him. I grabbed the menu and just picked what I think is delicious. Namili na din siya ng kaniya. I would often caught him glancing at me but I ignored him. "I can't choose. Choose for me."

"I'll pick something that has peanuts." I laughed when he glared at me. In the end, I still choose for him. Wala naman siyang sinabi nung tinanong ko siya so, I guess, he'll liked it. He should like it, as if he had a choice.

Tahimik naming hinintay ang in-order namin. He was observing the surroundings, while I was on my phone, playing Wordscape. Oh, crap, this is boring. Why the hell am I even playing this?

I put my phone on the table and heave a sigh. I looked at Kendric and see him narrowing his eyes on someone. I can't stop myself from glancing at whom he's eyeing.

My mouth parted in shock when I saw Dillion. Nakatingin din siya kay Kendric habang nakakunot ang noo, pero nang maramdamang nakatingin ako kay lumingon siya sa'kin. I pursed my lips when he looked away...again.

It still hurts me whenever he's looking away at me as if he didn't know me. He used to do that, so I don't know why I am still not used to it. Kapag iniiwas niya ang tingin niya, ang naaalala ko lang ay nung panahon na iniwasan niya ako nang hindi man lang sinasabi kung bakit.

It was tiring, especially when someone leaves you without explanation. I would always asked my self every night if I had done something. You would always blame yourself, that maybe, you are never enough for him.

It was painful, and traumatizing.

You can't even start new relationships because you're going to think that everything will not go well again. That the fault was in you.

I released a sigh as I feel a lump on my throat. My chest became heavy but I hold back my emotions. I looked down, I feel my hands trembled.

"Hey, are you alright?"

I looked up on Kendric. He was so worried about me, so I had to nod my head. He seems not convinced but still choose not to ask further.

"The food is here already. Let's just eat."

We went silent again. Hindi na ako nag-abalang tingnan ang paligid. I focused myself on eating for me to already leave the place. I am aware that he's still here, but I chose not to think of him, or even looked at him.

"I'll go first, Ken. Thanks for the treat."

We were heading to the parking lot. Nakalagay lang ang kamay niya sa bulsa habang deretso ang tingin. Nasa bandang likuran niya lang ako kaya hindi ko makita ang reaksyon niya.

"Callan..." I stopped when he mentioned my name. I was about to open the door of my car. Nakaupo siya sa uluhan ng sasakyan niya habang mataman na nakatingin sa'kin. "I can help you move on with him."

I raised a brow in confusion. "Huh?" What the hell is he talking about?

He slowly get down and walked towards me. When he reached me, he put his hand on my shoulder and I looked at it with my knotted forehead. "If you'll only give me a chance."

"Chance to what?" I saw him winced. Binaba niya ang kamay niya at pinasok ulit sa bulsa niya. He looked around for a moment before looking at me, straight in the eyes.

"I liked you, Callan, and I want you to know that I am willing to be here whenever you needed me."

I was left dumbfounded. I blinked many times, trying to digest his words on my mind. I stepped back, letting out a chuckle.

"No, you don't." Umiling pa ako at tinaas ang dalawang kamay. "You're just...bored."

"You think so?" He looked up, pretending to think. He then chuckled before looking at me again. "I wish I'm always bored."

Hanggang sa makarating ako pabalik sa building namin, hindi pa rin mawala sa isip ko ang mga sinasabi ni Kendric. Why would he say such things?

Is he fucking serious now?

Nonetheless, I don't know if I can give him a chance, if he was serious. We were friends for years, and I can't just waste that. And he's the least of my concern now.

I had to attend some meeting again. Nakakainis lang na parang araw-araw na lang kami may meeting. Yeah, and you had all the choices, Callan. Note the sarcasm, please. Ayoko namang mawalan ng trabaho kaya kahit na tinatamad, um-attend pa rin ako.

This work is tiring the hell out of me!

"We shouldn't lessen the materials we're going to use there. It will be destroyed before its one year." We were discussing about the current project. I, and the head engineer is talking. He wants to lessen the materials for us to reach the estimated budget.

Engineer na siya niyan?

I massaged the bridge of my nose as I stared back at him. He's raising a brow on me. "What are you suggesting then, Mr. Addison?"

"Maybe we can get money from other projects that is not urgent. Those postponed projects." I looked at them, and see them staring at me too, trying to get my point. I composed myself and continue. I even played with my pen. "I assume that there are some, at least?"

"I don't know. You worked on the Financial Department, so it should be you who knew it." Oh, right.

I cleared my throat. Nagpatuloy lang kami at mukha namang naintindihan nila ang gusto kong sabihin. Sandali lang naman 'yun at mayamaya rin ay lumabas na kami.

I had to go home early. Nang makarating ako, binuksan ko ang ilaw at pagod na umupo sa sofa. Binuksan ko ang cellphone ko, umaasang makakabasa ng kahit isang text man lang sa kaniya.

Napabuntong hininga na lang ako nang wala man lang akong nabasa. Nasanay na akong kapag umuuwi, lagi siyang message. O kapag umuuwi ako, tumatawag siya.

I smiled sadly.

He's...doing it again. He's starting to do those again. He's avoiding. I gave him space before. I leave even though I don't know his reasons, because I thought, that's for the better. Na he maybe just need time.

So, what is it now again?

I opened my instagram and saw that he posted on his story. I hesitated to open it first but I still do.

It was just a picture of the moon tonight, and the caption was,

'so, this is where broken heart goes?'

I don't get his caption. On the moon? Broken heart goes on the moon? I just shook my head. What am I thinking?

I don't know if I should reply. What will I send? Hello? What's up? Hey?

I deleted our convo years ago, but I didn't unfollow him so I was able to view his stories. Napabuntong hininga na lang ako saka tinago ang cellphone ko. I walked to my room and take a cold shower.

Earlier that morning, Kendric visited me. Alas sais pa lang ay tumawag na siya sa'kin na nasa labas na siya. Nakasimangot ko siyang hinarap dahil ginambala niya ang tulog ko pero tinawanan lang ako nito at dumeretso sa kusina.

"Oh, shoot, my groceries were out again. Oops." It's been a while since I grocery. Isang beses sa isang buwan lang ako pumupunta do'n dahil mag-isa lang naman akong nakatira dito.

"Okay! We're going to the grocery today. You don't have work, and I don't have work. It's fine!" I laughed because he's being extra-active today. Nagpaalam lang ako na magbi-bihis sandali. He was dressed well so it wasn't a problem anymore. "Grocery date wasn't corny, though..."

Hindi na din ako nagtagal. I was just wearing a pair of black shorts and white oversized shirt. It is the only clothes that is available in my closet. Nagsuot na lang ako ng itim na rubber shoes at itim na cap.

Kendric was leaning on the countertop when I approached him again. He surveyed my body and give me a thumbs up. He gestured me to wait for him when I started walking out of my unit. I reminded him to lock my door.

"What car are we going to use?" I asked him as we reached the parking lot.

"We can use mine. We'll get there faster." I silently nod and opened the door for shotgun seat. Siya naman ay mabilis na pumunta sa driver's seat.

It was an ordinary morning. The sun shines brightly so my mood was better, compared to my previous moods. Nilabas ko ang ulo ko sa bintana at dinama ang hangin na tumatama sa mukha ko. Kendric was just smiling the whole time. Those green trees everywhere is a whole mood.

"We're here." Agad akong bumaba ng sasakyan nang makarating kami. Agad namang sumunod si Kendric habang pinaglalaruan ang susi sa kamay niya. It should be awkward for the both of us to act normally after what he said yesterday, but I still act casually. He's still my friend. "I'll grab a cart, wait for me."

Tumango lang ulit ako ako nagsimulang maglibot. I don't have the list of what to buy, and I don't usually do those. Kung anong maisipan kong ilagay sa cart, 'yun ang kukunin ko. Mayamaya pa ay bumalik na si Kendric tulak-tulak ang red cart. He was also looking around.

Nilagay ko lang ang nakuha kong product sa cart at muling naghanap ng bago. He would often watch me scan the thing, and smile out of nowhere. He's a creep.

"Can I grab some ice cream?" I looked at him with brows furrowed.

"Sure." Tumango lang ako kaya umalis na din siya. He left the cart with me that's why I get it. Nagpatuloy pa ako sa paglilibot hanggang sa makarating ako sa aisle of chips. I am not that type of man who lives with chips but I still grabbed some.

"I'll wait here,"

Napatingin ako sa nagsasalita hindi malayo sa'kin. Tumango ito at nagsimula ding magtitingin ng mga crunch. I easily recognized who he was with his side features. Umiwas lang ako ng tingin at nagpanggap na walang pake sa paligid ko.

"Why are they putting those Tortillos on top?" I whispered annoyingly. Konti lang naman ang taas sa'kin ng estante pero hindi ko maabot kasi baka mahulog 'yung iba. "Bullshit."

"Here," Napatingin ako sa nag-abot nito. My heart started beating again when he catches my eyes. Inaabot niya ang chips sa'kin habang nakatingin sa mata ko. Those ash orbs really never failed to amaze me. "Nova is good too. You can try."

"Thanks." I put the Tortillos on my cart but I stayed still. I know I should leave now since I already get what I want, right? "You...uhmm..." I shut my eyes tightly, I can even feel my hold on the cart tightened. "Nevermind. Thanks again."

"Are you alone? I can---,"

"I grabbed chocolate and---what are you doing here?" Napalingon ako kay Kendric nang bigla na lang itong sumulpot. Dillion looked at him with confusion, and to me, then he looked away.

"It's grocery store, if you're not aware." His deep voice stuck on my mind. He glances at the aisle of junkfoods before putting his hand inside the pocket. "Everyone can be here, Kendric."

"Whatever. Step aside, we're going to buy some groceries, if you're not aware." He even smirked after mocking Dillion. I saw Dillion rolled his eyes before giving us way. Kinuha ni Kendric ang cart at nagsimula nang maglakad. "We should go buy some noodles."

Tinanguan ko lang si Dillion at sumunod kay Kendric. I scolded him after we turned our back on Dillion. He could be nicer to him. I just shook my head when he laughed at me.

Bumalik ang tingin ko sa kaniya. A familiar view welcomed me. He was with Shane while I was eyeing them from afar. Shane was laughing at him while he was just shaking his head. Before I could even avoid my gaze, she saw me staring.

"Let's go. I'll pay for these."

"I have my budget for these. You pay for your stuffs." I told him when I get back with my senses. Nakita ko pang tumingin siya sa tinitingnan ko kanina, at bumuntong hininga bago tumango. Umuna na siyang maglakad kaya sumunod naman ako.

Pagkabalik namin sa unit ko, nagpaalam na siyang mauuna na. Hindi na rin ako umangal dahil mukhang kailangan niya na talagang umalis. Naisipan ko na lang na maglinis ng tinitirhan ko para kahit papaano naman ay may mapaglipasan ako ng oras. I also cooked my own food. I tried to search for some Singaporean dish's recipes.

"This is hard..."

Napatigil ako sa paghalo nang tumunog ang cellphone ko. Pinahinaan ko muna ang kalan bago ko ito kinuha. I licked my lower lip before answering.

"Why did you call?"

"Wala man lang bagong sagot kapag tumatawag ako, Callan?" Mahina lang akong natawa sa sinabi ni Ate. It's been weeks since the last time she called, and I somehow missed her. "Okay ka lang ba d'yan? Miss na kita, hoy! Uwi ka na kasi."

"I told you---,"

"Okay, fine. I just tried, anyways." Bumuntong-hininga ako at pinatay muna ang kalan. Umupo ako sa may upuan para makausap siya ng maayos. "I just missed you, you know. Is this because of what Papa did years ago?"

Napatigil naman ako nang maalala na naman ang mga 'yun. I can see his angry eyes while pushing me to broke up with Dillion. His threats about ruining Dillion played like a broken melody inside my head. He was one of those reasons why we had to part our ways and leave each other with nothing but pain.

I gritted my teeth but refused to talk. After all those years, I tried to forget those and let go the grudges I have. I somehow forget, but whenever someone mentioned him, the rage started to grow again.

"I understand that you're still mad at him but I just want to inform you that..." She stopped and released a heavy breath. "He's on the hospital, Callan. He's still your father so, I just want to, you know, let you know."

I stopped with what she said. Ilang beses ko pang prinoseso sa utak ko ang sinabi niya bago ko ito tuluyang makuha. My brows raised but refuse to talk.

"That's why I want you to go to Philippines. But it's okay if you can't. I understand. Babalitaan na lang kita sa mga mangyayari. Bye!"

Hindi niya na ako hinintay na magsalita ako at basta na lang ibinaba ang tawag. Napamasahe na lang ako sa noo ko bago tumayo at pinagpatuloy ang pagluluto.

The whole day, I was just thinking of my sister's word. I never really considered my father as my family after what happened, but I must admit that somehow, it still pained me whenever I imagined his state.

"They are still your family...whatever happens."

And out of nowhere, I heard Dillion's voice. Iniling ko ang ulo ko at napagpasyahang 'wag na lang pansinin ang bumabagabag sa'kin. Pumasok ako sa kuwarto ko at sinubukang itulog ang lahat.

I can't sleep. Even though I tried my best to dozed off, it just won't work. I tried the breathing exercise but still, nothing happened. Bumangon ako at tiningnan kung anong oras na. It was already 2 in the evening. Kaninang 7 pa ako nandito.

"Fuck, what's this?" Kinapa ko ang mata ko nang maramdaman na lumuluha 'yun. I tried to wipe them but they won't just stop falling. I don't know what happened why I cried.

The last time this happened to me was when I lost him, and I left my family. Every single night, I can't sleep and just shed tears. Why is everything coming back again?

"Why do you have to leave me again..."

I cried and tired myself until my body gave up and finally slept. I don't have the energy to even get up and prepare my food. I just don't feel like doing anything today. I just want to lay in my bed, and stare at the ceiling.

Hindi ko na din pinansin ang mga texts na sinesend sa'kin. Sa mga kaibigan ko lang naman 'yun pero tinatamad talaga ako makipag-usap kaya hindi ko na rin pinansin. Ayokong makipag-usap ngayong araw.

Mas lalo lang ata akong nalugmok nang tumawag si Ate at sabihin na sinugod nila sa ICU si Papa. I feel guilty that I can't even pay a visit to him. Ayoko siyang makita, pero ayoko din naman siyang mawala nang hindi ko man lang nakakausap.

I don't know what to do anymore.

"What are you doing here?"

I was on the middle of tearing up when I heard a knock. Agad kong pinunasan ang mata ko at binuksan ang pinto para tingnan kung sino 'yun. But all the emotions on my face vanished when I saw Dillion standing in front of my door.

"May nakalimutan lang ako dito. I...I was just about to get it." He was staring at my face, making me look away. Iniwan kong bukas ang pinto para makapasok siya. "Are you crying?"

"Kunin mo na 'yung kailangan mo at umalis ka na." I told him and attempt to leave him alone but he grab my arms. "What? Gusto mo pang ako ang kumuha?"

"Why are you crying?" He wants me to face him.

"Why don't you just leave again like what you used to do?" He stepped back when I lashed out. Nasugatan pa 'yung braso ko nang makalmot niya dahil sa bigla kong pagbawi ng braso. He looked at it and was about to walk towards me when I stepped back.

"Y-You're bleeding," I laughed and harshly wiped the tears on my eyes. He seems so worried and that annoys me more. "Please, let me treat that..."

"Ang daya-daya mo, Dillion..." His mouth went agape when he saw me slowly fall off the ground. "You told me you're not going to leave me before. I believed you, but you still...leave."

He went silent. All I can hear was my sobs. I just wanted him to hear me too. I was tired keeping these hard feelings. I was so sick for keeping it all to me.

"I even leave the house for you. I turned my back on my family for you, but you still leave." I covered my face with my two hands and cried harder. "I begged you that day not to leave me, right? I just wanted to know why. I just wanted to know why was it so easy for you to let go..."

"It was never easy for me too, Callan..." His voice broke but I know that he's still trying his best not to level my emotion. "I had to let you go because it's not good for you to stay with me."

"I tried to understand everything, Dillion. I accepted it even without your explanations. Hinayaan kita kasi baka ako ang may mali. Binigyan kita ng space," I sobbed. "Pero bakit kailangan mo ulit akong iwan?"

That's the thing I will never understand. Bakit kailangan niya pang magpakita ulit kung iiwan niya na naman ako? Sinanay niya ako nandiyan siya. Sana hindi na lang siya nagpakita.

"I'm sorry. I just realized how selfish I am for bothering you again after hurting you before." He kneeled in front of me to level our heights.

"I tried to be good enough again, that maybe this time, you can see me. I tried my best to be better for you not to leave me again but...you still did." That's almost a whisper. Pain was so evident with my voice.

"I'm really sorry for causing too much, baby..." He hugged me but I don't have the strength to push him so I just let it. "I was afraid that I might hurt you again."

Silence invaded us after that. I can feel his tears on my shoulder while he was hugging me tight. I calmed down a little bit but the tears are still visible on my cheeks.

I know that he's hurt too, of where we ended up, but what hurts me the most is when realization hit me. I was with my friend when I was hurting, and he's probably alone every night.

"I'm...I'm going back to Philippines." I talked after a series of silence. Hindi siya nagreact pero naramdaman kong humigpit ang yakap niya sa'kin. "I had to stay away here for the meantime. I'll fix myself first."

"Okay, I understand." I can feel his warm breathe when whispered that. Humiwalay siya ng yakap sa'kin at tiningnan lang ako.

"I just want to fix everything."

"Whatever your decision is, I will support you." He smiled. "I will still wait for you to come back home. To comeback to me."