"Pasa!"

I watched how he smoothly received the ball that his mate passed. We're here at the gymnasium, consuming the free time we have. Inaya lang ako ng dalawa dito at kahit ayokong sumama, hindi ko alam kung paano nila ako napilit. Iniwan din naman nila ako dahil bibili raw sila ng pagkain. Baka isang kilometro ang layo ng canteen sa gym kaya hindi na sila nakabalik.

Muli kong tinuon ang paningin sa mga naglalaro habang hinihintay silang dumating; kung darating man. Accidentally, our eyes met. Siya ang unang nag-iwas ng tingin nang tawagin siya ng mga kakampi niya. Napahinga ako nang maluwag para ikalma ang sarili. That short eye contact instantly shook my entirety.

"Break muna. Tatanga-tanga naman, Hanz, talo na tayo, oh." Narinig kong sabi ni Dillion sa isa nilang kasamahan. Hanz just laughed at him. Kalaban nila ang mga nasa Archi-Dept na malamang ay nagpapalipas lang din ng oras.

Nakita kong lumapit ito sa pwesto ko kaya iniwasan kong magpakita ng kahit ano, kahit na ramdam ko ang pagkataranta. Magkasalubong na ang kilay nito nang tingnan ko siya kaya hindi ko maiwasang gayahin ang ekpresyon niya.

"Anong ginagawa mo rito?" tanong niya saka sinandal ang siko sa railings. Gamit ang isa pang kamay ay pinunasan nito ang pawis na tumutulo sa noo at leeg niya.

"Nanonood?" Tinuro ko pa ang mga naglalaro saka binalik ang tingin sa kanya. He looked back before sighing, bowing his head and glancing back at me. "I'm just waiting for my friend to come back," I reasoned out.

"Your friends? I saw them ride a car." My brows furrowed with what he said.

"Really?" He nodded. I sighed. Wow, what kind of friends do I have? "Well, if that's the case, I'll go home now." I stood up.

"Hindi ka na manonood?" He raised a brow.

"Nah. Hindi naman ako mahilig manood ng laro. Sumama lang naman ak---,"

"Okay."

I stopped talking when he turned his back on me. With fist-clenched and gritted teeth, I cursed him inside my head countless times. Hindi niya ba alam ang manners? Umalis ako ng gymnasium habang may inis kay Dillion.

Dahil half-day lang naman ang klase, maaga rin akong umuwi. Mabuti na lang at wala ang mga kapatid ko nang umuwi ako. Parang hindi ko kayang humawak ng kabuwisetan nang sabay. Dumiretso agad ako sa kwarto ko para maligo. Baka makatulong mag-alis ng inis sa katawan.

While in the shower, I can't stop myself from thinking of the things that happened when he entered my life. From annoying me every day, to being friends. Him, showing his weakest side with his family, and all became like this when I started ignoring him hoping that this petty feeling would fade. Para kaming bumalik sa simula dahil sa pinaggagawa ko.

Make you fall in three months, shit.

Then that girl suddenly entered my mind. Nand'on din siya kanina, nanonood sa game ni Dillion. I don't know what's with them but I am sure that they are not blood-related. Girlfriend? Best friend? MU? I would lie if I told you that I'm not bothered.

Bakit kasi ang complicated ng first love ko?

Hindi ko nga ma-recall kung kailan nagsimula. Noong naging magkaibigan ba kami? Or when I saw his soft side? Or that thing called love at first sight? I don't know. I just realized it. Baka masyado lang akong mabilis ma-attach. Or baka masyado ko siyang hinangaan nang malamang pareho kaming may problema sa pamilya.

Nang matapos sa pagligo, lumabas ako ng bathroom tapis-tapis ang tuwalya sa bewang. Nilibot ko muna ang kwarto ko habang nagpapatuyo ng buhok. Nang may madaanang salamin, tinitigan ko pa ang sarili ko. Malayong-malayo na ako sa batang sunod-sunuran sa magulang. I abandoned that kid long time ago.

While staring at my reflection, I can't help but recall my childhood. 

"Saan ka pupunta?"

"Sa labas lang po, maglalaro."

"No. Stay in your room and read books." I looked at my mother with what she said.

"But mom---,"

"Stay in your room, Callan." As a kid, I never fought back because my grandmother told me that I should be good always. I smiled at her before dropping the ball I was holding, and running to my room. From there, I watched how happy our neighbors were, playing freely outside while I was here with my books.

"Mom, can I take ABM in senior high?" I asked her one time. She raised a brow, putting her spoon on her plate.

"Why? STEM suits you more. ABM is a waste of time." I really don't like Science. But like what I always did, I smiled before nodding. Alam ko namang hindi nila ako papayagan. I still tried, though.

I did all my best with my studies for them to be proud of me. I always strive for a higher grade even though it's exhausting and draining. I sleep late because I have to finish my school works. Kahit nagkakasakit, hindi ako nagsabi kasi alam kong mahihirapan sila. At kahit sobrang nakakapagod, sinunod ko lang ang gusto nila.

Kasi no'ng bata pa ako, gustong-gusto ko ang atensiyon at validation.

"M-Mom..."

After our graduation, I got the courage to talk to my mom. She was busy with her blueprints when I approached her. She looked at me with a questioning face. I gulped before clearing my throat.

"I don't want to take Engineering in college." I sighed when I finally said it. Nakita kong dahan-dahan niyang binitawan ang lapis na hawak saka ako tuluyang hinarap. Pinaningkitan niya ako ng mata at kahit itanggi ko, medyo pinanghinaan ako ng loob.

But that time, I told myself that it was now or never. Kahit alam kong pagkatapos ng desisyon kong 'to, magbabago ang lahat sa 'min. I choose to be brave regardless of the consequences I will face in the future. At least, I will never regret that I didn't pursue what I wanted.

I snapped back when I heard a knock. Agad akong nagbihis para tingnan kung sino 'yon. I frowned when one of my brothers welcomed me when I opened the door. Nakasandal ito sa pader pero umayos ng tayo nang makita ako. I raised a brow, urging him to talk.

"U-uh...can w-we talk?" He cleared his throat.

"About what?" I leave the door open so he knows that he can come in.

I motioned him to sit on the couch so he did. Ako naman ay sinarado ang pinto dahil mukhang seryoso ang pag-uusapan namin. In this family, we're not close with each other, honestly speaking, so it's a bit awkward to talk to him now. Mas matanda naman ako sa kaniya kaya kailangan ko pa rin siyang pakitunguhan bilang kuya niya.

"Promise me first that no one will know about this." I frowned.

"What did you do?" I narrowed my eyes on him before sitting in my bed. He gulped before looking away. "Promise, I won't tell it to anyone."

He went silent afterward. Nakailang buntong-hininga rin siya. His body movement screams awkwardness and agitation. I can't help but be more curious. I tapped my feet on the ground, getting impatient.

"I think I'm in love,"

"So...?" I don't get him. There's nothing wrong with falling in love. Malaki na siya, he can handle relationships.

"B-But..." He played with his fingers. "But unluckily, we have the same gender..."

Silence invaded us after what he said. I don't know what to say. Or if I should say anything. I was just there, waiting for more words from him. Ayoko namang pangunanahan ang mga salita niya.

"What should I do? We're friends and I don't want us to be awkward." He looked at me with his sad eyes. I sighed.

"Hmm..." I tried to think of an answer. I really don't know what to answer. "Ask him if he agrees with same-sex relationships." That's the first thing that came to my mind. "Kapag oo, confess. If not, sorry." I smiled to tease him.

"But I don't have the courage to confess. What if he rejected me?"

"Being in love follows the need for courage. If you're not brave enough to face rejection and criticism, you don't deserve to love. Now if he rejected you, then okay. At least, you know what each other feels."

"But I don't want to lose what we have." Maliit ang boses niya nang sabihin 'yon.

"Balance the situation, Cleo. What is more important for you? What will you save? Your friendship or your feelings? How deep is your feelings? Is your friendship really worth risking?"

I looked at him as I digested my own words. There is a lump in my throat, knowing that I am not speaking on behalf of him; rather, I am talking to myself.  

"Kasi minsan, mas pinagsisisihan natin ang mga bagay na ginawa natin kaysa sa mga bagay na hindi natin nagawa."