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"where did you leave your love?"
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DIARY ENTRY THIRTY-FIVE:
IT GOT WORSE.

This entry will kind of be me, venting out my feelings about something because I need too.

A realization came to me today, and it made me want to cry, why? Because I realized that I'm in love with someone I shouldn't even be in love with.

I know, I should just write a cliche fanfic at this point since it sounds like it right? Haha I'm so funny to myself, yet at this moment I can't help but feel like I'm a fool.

As much as I am happy at this point in my life, as you could see during my last diary entries, I'm at that point in my life where, I feel like I'm a young girl in love with her first crush or something.

I haven't had a crush in a long while, the last time that happened, was in junior high, and it was serious. I've had boyfriends before, surprising I know, the introverted girl had a love life?

I dated him in Junior year. Worst decision of my life. But, we lost contact with each other after high school. He was also the first person I had sex with, I KNOW IM SHOCKED TOO, ITS BEEN 4 YEARS SINCE THAT HAPPENED. And I know what your also thinking, you? sex? love? life in general? Your sound so out of character (literally).

I wasn't always this depressed, Tara knows and she remembers when I was not so quiet but a nice shy girl who had a voice, I just never really had to use it, though I am a loud mouth to the people I know, I'm an introverted mess.

But him, my junior year boyfriend was the reason this depression and pain came back to me. Little did I know, that honeymoon stage in your relationship wasn't going to last a whole while. I didn't really tell you why we lost contact with each other, here's why.

He abused me. I thought he was as perfect as a Prince Charming could get. Oh boy was I in for the time of my life.

Behind closed doors, he would yell at me, scream into my ears, slap my thighs, creating bruises, it was one of the reason I tended to wear jeans over shorts. He made me feel like I was the problem, like everything that went wrong in our time together was because I couldn't give him what he wanted, and because I didn't want to fuck him as much as he wanted too.

It reminded me of my parents.

And it killed me, inside.

I'm still recovering everyday from that relationship. Which is why I tend to be antisocial and not let anyone get near close to me except for Some people who I knew would never betray me, at the time.

When I first met Colby and them, my walls came crashing down almost immediately, I didn't know why I let him be apart of my life, but I'm always glad I did. I really don't know what I'd do without them, including Colby, like they are my life and death at this point.

Colby Brock.

That's the person that I love the most.

And, that's also the person I'm in love with.

Yes my dearest diary, I've fallen in love with Colby Brock, yell at me, scream at me, because I deserve it. How the hell could I have fallen for my bestfriend? I ask that myself everyday, but everyday I feel like I'm falling more and more in love with this creature, it make me feel so scared.

He makes me feel safe, like I'm loved. He makes my days brighter, and I feel so much more alive now that I've met him. I've always known that but I didn't think it was love at all, I mean, all of this could just be infatuation, right? Maybe I'm just finding a reason to not love him the way I selfishly do.

I love him, I love him so much, and I can't imagine what I would do if I didn't met him that day. I honestly can't think of a life without him in it.

That's one of the main reasons why I shouldn't and I REALLY shouldn't like him, because what if this ruins us? I don't want to lose him, he means to much to me that I will just go back down the spiral that is depression and become sad again, because I couldn't let one person that I love stay again.

He's always there, always. Even if I don't answer him for a whole ass day, he'll get worried, I don't even know why, like what?

I've always wanted a boy bestfriend, excluding Brennen lol, ily bro. I trust him, I do of course, but Colby is like, like my soulmate or something.

I've never really believed in love after that, sure I would read love stories but I never thought my life could possibly be one, it isn't, why the fuck would it, it's too complicated to be one.

When I used to lay in my old abusive parents backyard, I would always dream about the perfect guy, who would swept me off my own two feet and take me Neverland or something, I thought love was magical and amazing, then I realized it was a pain in the ass, legit.

But when I met Colby, it was so unexpected and it swept me off my feet in a way I never realized it before, me and him became friends so easily and we got along so well together that it was like it was meant to be or something, and I'm scared.

Why the hell should I be scared? It's a fairytale come true?

You could say that again.

But I have worries for myself. What if Colby left me for someone else? What if he goes back to Adelaide somehow even though she broke his heart into a million fucking pieces? What if he goes to another girl and never realizes that I'm right here, in love with him? What if he actually doesn't love or care about me at all and people are paying him a lot of money to ruin my life and make him break my heart?

What if this is all a dream? And I'm dead?

ROSALYN STOP.

Sorry I had to do that, having a little existential crisis here and there, thanks Daniel.

I don't really have the words to describe it at this moment in my time. I wish I had, so I could vividly explain what I see through my eyes but yo girl don't really know words lol.

I wish I could tell him, someday maybe. He probably doesn't love me back, why would he?

Probably thinks of me as a sister.

Maybe after awhile I'll get over him, I hope I do.

I think I've wrote enough for the day.

Goodnight to my diary, goodnight to everyone.

— xoxo Rosalyn Fray.

—𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙙𝙞𝙙 𝙮𝙤𝙪 𝙡𝙚𝙖𝙫𝙚 𝙮𝙤𝙪𝙧 𝙡𝙤𝙫𝙚? | 𝐜𝐨𝐥𝐛𝐲 𝐛𝐫𝐨𝐜𝐤
@DEVLISHION| KEILANI