Somehow in my mind, there used to be a thing called jealous. I am green with envy seeing you grasping and holding his hand tightly, in your wedding gown. 

Luxurious.

Gorgeous.

With the one I used to love with all my heart.

Like the sunless sky being fraught with gray clouds and vague lightbeam, a part of me has just died receiving your invitation card. The unexpected gift torn my heart into tiny pieces, hurtful and misty. 

I knew the days rolling in the aisle of parties and wine and young lads out there just merely triggered the old wound, nothing came for me at least once, every places embodied your love cuddling me, dandling me in vain. I know 3 years passing could never fade the old memories away, could never bury the long love story you and I have been jotting down together, and you let go of it just enough for me to stand there, speechless and dead. 

years ago,

I remembered the first time we met was a cloudy day, in the classroom helping me out with burdens of Physics homework. My brain could not load even a simple formula let alone figure out hundreds of calculations and numbers and metaphysical symbols, never could I digest them all. During the test, thanks to my inborn smartness, I flew through it quiet easy except the last question I got no I idea what it was. 

I knocked your ankle elbow begging for a hint. You dropped that note to me at once, thus leaving me the unforgettable impression, and intolerable cut deep into my soul.

Not long after that our childhood love emerged and thrived with excruciating affection, in a natural and lovable way, we seemed to be born for each other, harmoniously and compatibly. You waited with me till the cows came home when my parents picked me so so late. You sang a few trendy melodies that I had to stop you until my ears got exploded. You hissed along a catchy tune in some crazy childish cartoons. At that age, you are a boy running along the corridor catching invisible and imaginary souls in movies. But me, different, wishing about a prince dropping in galloping towards the towering castle, where life is pink and sweet. 

Reality clobbered me in the face, woke me up from the land of Nod, gave me a mirthless smile "Little girl it was just a dream, back to real life and see how cruel it is". 

And here I am, in the middle of chaos and mingled-up stuff, I got no way out but trembling in tears and being alone standing up against your nonchalance. 

Days of being wild

I threw myself at parties at seemingly cood places to find out the good old days. Tears streaming down my face did bother me a lot. My mind was about to escape from the plain truth that we had no chance to go along the same path, but my heart denied that and all was just a messy whirpool. I was stubborn, I was gloomy about the past and I clung to my dead conviction about unconditional love and sacrifice, to the tailor-made gown for a princess, that was just vague.

People started to lampoon me over the matter which I got no choice rather than keep my mouth shut since then. The more  silent I became, the more they rumored. The more they did so, the more I hurt.

It was kinda stupid and melodramatic I knew them all but things fell out of my control hastily. There was no way to cap them all inside to let myself just dead. 

Today is another day I hinder all my possibilities going back to the drawing board and see the pure me as I got caught in the past, somehow. The ingrained conviction clashing with the donnybrook rose from the graveyard of deep love and sacrifice, how come our love ended that way. Sometimes human beings' discords drown me to the nadir of life then unplummed abysses trottle me, I gotta find a way out though it's tough surely. 

Hey buddy,

Could you see the impeccable performance being scintillated with wit and generosity? It was her deportment that drove me to the zenith of hopelessness, it was your nonchanlance that pushed me to the edge of speechlessness. I am still fine now I hope. 

Long time no write

Actually this is not the first time I have throttled myself with the loop of the romance whirpool. Everytime I groan about the nascent relationship with a man, I keep part of myself awake, the rest stays adrift. 

Viewing on the binary scenarios, this monstrosity in me would not last long eventually, but the despair was unparalleled. The lachrymose classical symphony danced around the panic-stricken heart. 

The bleak morning with empty streets, howling wind and a fragile soul. Could you please pass me another brush to delineate such agony? Mine has been bended and broken.